Im so bloody ugly. lonely and despondent.

[marjproops]

Not looking for sympathy believe it or not, just need to unburden. but im so ugly. born ugly. and worthless.

watching TOTP on bbc4 and Blondie were on.
i was teenager then and wanted to look like Debbie Harry when i was older. who didnt? shes stunning. one of those faces you cant take your eyes off (and Im not gay!). men were panting for her and girls wanted to BE her. this ugly duckiling has never turned into a swan.

already with deep depression and seeing that has bought me down even more, even though i cant get any deeper.

i never attract anyone (i dont haver the best personailty either, i try though, im unsociable but friendly). ANYONE.

get called ugly troll in the street. only DC loves me. that should be enough but i feel such a gaping hole in my life. im not alone but feel so lonely.

just want to be properly loved by a decent man (after years of abuse). there must be SOMEONE, just ONE man on this planet of trillions of people.

im a lone parent for a good reason.

no matter how i do make up/style hair etc i still literally look like jabba the hut, with a figure to match, no diet or excercise works for me, and im physically disabled too.

sorry. anyone else feel this way? how do you cope? I am having counselling atm but it doesnt take away the feelings.

[CorrieDale]

I sympathise. I too am ugly and sometimes I cannot believe that I am going to have lived my whole life long without ever being pretty. Seems so bloody unfair.

I think making the best of yourself is a must. I've tried the whole bizarre goth weird thing. That was not helpful. It made me feel even more if a joke than I already did. I now make sure I dress nicely. Even if I'm the plainest of janes, I'm in good clothes and they make me feel better. I have recently had my hair cut into an actual style and that's also given me a lift. I think it's so easy to give up on oneself but it doesn't help. While self esteem comes from the inside it helps enormously if you act like you have it in spades and then a bit actually seeps in. One consolation is that beauty does fade. As does ugliness. I am not exactly improving but I'm not getting any worse and it's starting to matter less. I also remind myself that it's my most beautiful friends who are the most screwed up. I find it hard to understand, being convinced that being beautiful would make me so happy nothing would daunt me. But I am clearly massively wrong. Being beautiful, it turns out, is not a passport to happiness. Go figure!

[marjproops]

Hi again. Corrie I agree with you. glad you make the best of what you have, i get my hair done by a hairdresser friend and shes coloured and highlighted it so my hair is nice at least.
i try different tricks with make up, nothing works though! and i dress smart/casual, dont want to be a frump, try and be 'cool' mum for DC.

Stuffez thanx for asking. xxx

Had bad dreams last night again. often do.

I know I dont help myself, always wake up with a sense of forboding..''what bad thing can happen today''? Ive learnt to live, not for the day, but making goals of every 20 mins or so ands see if i can get through each time. hard work but only thing i can do at the mo.

I had another meltdown this afternoon and poor DC was upset, its horrible to be like this, i try to hide it from her, but i had to say ''mummy doesnt feel well'', and she seems to accept that. but i feel im 'abusing' her by not pulling myself together more.

i dont wnat her telling people ''my mum cries all the time'' or somthing like that. ive told her its not her fault, she makes me happy.

Im so sorry, I sound so pathetic and 'me me me'.

ill flit about the other forums maybe geyt a bit of a laugh on 'chat' or something. try and distract myself a bit.

DCs watching 'summer holiday' the film she loved it so shes ok at the mo.
hope you are all ok.

[TheSilveryPussycat]

Love that film - was 11 when it first came out, and used to watch it annually on the telly

You've been honest with DC, and you aren't crying all the time. I was v depressed much of the time when mine were LO, but at the same time they made me very happy - and that's what they really picked up on, I think...

[marjproops]

Evan that film gets me, all sunny and young and free and pretty! I cried when that song 'the next time' came on as I love it and it moves me but DC knows I always cry on that bit so she came and gave me a hug!

not helping that the old dear next door died a few days ago and his kids have already put his house for sale and thereve been comings and goings and noise and were both panicking to whos going to move in, old man was so quiet, weve had to move so many times cos of anti-social behaviour towards both of us, and disability discrimination and just us being vulnerable, me and DC only, and this is the quietest place weve ever had and now anyone moving in will obv be decorating an old fashioned place and diy noise etc etc, and prob wont stick to the law regarding hours as NO ONE does, and maybe loud music/parties etc, weve had this in the past.

thats getting us both more than anything atm.

even so, were having to downsize too as were underoccupying and no one wants our house as its not exactly Devon were in. we are on the council exchange thing. so this is taking forever and we can never ever settle anywhere.

[TheSilveryPussycat]

Me too! It made me want to go abroad! (Some hopes with frugal DF in charge) It made me want to live in a bus! And at the time I knew that with my weirdness and glasses I would find it hard to get a bloke. (This eventually turned out to be complete baloney :) ) Luckily none of the blokes in Summer Holiday was all that fanciable, and I knew that my True Love would see my intellect and not my looks if we ever met - by 1965 I knew who my TL was but sadly my path never properly crossed with John Lennon's (though I did see the Beatles).

I'm in the North East btw. Haven't they revised that rule if a household member has a disability (not sure, they've deffo done something). Does DC get DLA?

[Badvoc]

You sound lovely.
Just a lovely person.
And I am sure you are not ugly (whatever the hell being ugly means this week in the glamour mags!)
I hope you feel more positive tomorrow x

[MorphsMum]

If your DC was "ugly" you would love her anyway, wouldn't you? You would never say "You are ugly".

That's what you need to do for yourself.

[Teahouse]

I think trying to be beautiful is unrealistic for most of us; apart from the lucky few, we all just try to make the best of what we have. Ugly is such a loaded term.

I used hypnotherapy to help me emotionally deal with my not being good enough for anyone, and anything. I can really recommend it. It has helped me think about my language and start changing my thought patterns.

I almost had a breakdown when my DCs were younger...not too long after my divorce and after my last relationship ended around 7 years ago. I used the dementor from Harry Potter to explain how I felt...and then we all had chocolate to help me.

I know it is really hard, but if you can try to make a list of all the positives and then focus on these, that may help you to start making some changes.

Good luck

[marjproops]

You are all so sweet!

Its not just about the looks though. the looks are just the tip of the iceberg.

I think 'ugly' dogs like pit bulls or bulldogs are lovely! I KNOW beauty is in the eye of the beholder, i just think if i ever attracted someone theyd be a blind man!

Ive NEVER attracted anyone decent, I myself dont neccessarily go for looks in a guy,( dont see the appeal at all in becks, clooney, pitt etc etc) i love a nice character on a guy, thing is guys dont tend to think the same of women most of the time!

(silver melvyn Hayes was cute in that film, as were Bruce and Brian in the Shadows! and i bet you are more attractive than Yoko!!)

, no, its being treated like sh and never good enough.

To some people (ie-paerents) i could have a halo round my head, angel wings out my back, the pope on my right, mother teresa on my left, and still not enough.

I know because of my upbringing and subsequent abuse, im determined to be the best i can be for my child, her love for me knows no boundaries.

but i do feel like (even though Im not a virgin, i was married but apart from the abuse id 'saved' myself for my husband-forced marriage in the end) and have never known proper physical love.

aprt from the fact i never attract anyone im a (hard to believe) Christian and would like to be married properly for sex and proper love. im celibate anyway,and the thought of going the rest of my life without experiencing 'that' really saddens me.

[marjproops]

Wow, TMI there, hope I'm not outing myself! excuse my typos, Im a good speller, its just ive got arthritic fingers and i type faster than my brain works so end up pressing wrong letters and not proofreading before sending.

I pray all the time for a soul mate, and I think DC would love a father, were ok as we are, but times like Christmas, birthdays, days out, when i see families together. im old fashioned, i wanted the proper family thing, never thought life would turn out like this. i know life is not The Waltons or the Brady Bunch but some families are happy, no?

and I know that its better just me and DC than others that were in our lives, THAT part of the abuse has gone and disappeared, its the mental issues, I know.

but ive never even had a boyfriend or a male friend to hang out with (any male friends are female friends husbands) so DCs never seen me with anyone.

[TheSilveryPussycat]

I thought Hank Marvin was the best of the Shadows :)

[Teahouse]

Marj, I have not had a proper relationship for 7 years; ex-husband had a very long term affair, 2 relationships since; one cancelled our wedding and the other took back his ex-wife.

You are not the only woman who feels men are not attracted to her. I would love a relationship but only if it is one I feel comfortable in. I would rather be alone than unhappy with just anyone. The best thing to do is make a proper life for oneself. I have learnt to go on holiday alone, go to the cinema alone, eat in restaurants alone...I rarely have adult company outside work. You do not need a man to make you happy or feel worthwhile. There is plenty to do as a single woman.

But if you are a committed Christina then try a Christian dating site. They might suit your needs better than a non-religious one.

[marjproops]

OOh no, I know people who have met through dating sites but its just not for me, too many horror stories too there.

i agree id rather be on my own than with a horrible person (was in a terrible marriage for 2 years).

we (dC and I) do have a life, we do lots of things, go to places and stuff, and i have my hobbies too...mn being one of them!-I just always feel something-someones missing.

I considered fostering but DCs too much to deal with as it is, theres a void always i feel. always. dont know why.

Ive had well-meaning Christian friends saying 'you have God, you dont need anything else' but it doesnt work that way.
im not a very good 'witness' for christianity atm and that saddens me too. but at least im 'real', not going to be happy clappy if i dont feel it, i wont be a hipocrite.

[StuffezLaBouche]

If there is a benevolent God up the Marj, he will be more concerned about seeing one of is children so desperately unhappy, rather than being angry you're not being a good witness.

Totally understand your aversion to dating sites, I'm going through that pile of crap right now and is awful. Feel like I need to pre-warn anyone who emails me that I'm 20 stone and huge, so they can gracefully withdraw their interest. :-(

Not going to go into all the details here (but feel free to pm) but I want to say tat trying to live a normal life and have a normal sense of self worth after abuse is the hardest thing in the world. Xx

[holstenlips]

Hi Marj i hope you dont mind i just wanted to say that i know (i empathise) with how you feel. Your words have actually given me some comfort so thank you
you sound like a great mum too. Im a lone parent and it is mega lonely and hard work.
I really dont like the idea of you and dc being subjected to anti social behaviour im sorry that some people have no idea how to be a decent human being :-(
Anyway i hope you are ok x

[Badvoc]

I've seen you drooling over Bradley James on the other thread op :) you saucebox!
Well, sorry, but he's mine :)
You see?
You are lovely and have excellent taste!
But seriously, he's mine :)
Wrt the "it's all part of gods plan" thing...hmmm..I am a Christian too, and get this sometimes from people. It is really not helpful! (Even if its true) it can be downright hurtful to bare your soul to someone (as I did as an unhappy, unloved teenager) and be told "it's ok, god loves you"
Well. Yes. But god can't snog me at the pictures on a saturday night, can he?
Which is what I wanted more than anything at 15 :(
Anyway.
Hope you are feeling more positive x

[marjproops]

Badvoc Thats why i drool over the Bradleys et al ! they cant harm me and I can dream to my hearts content!

in my dreams Im slim, young and beautiful and all these guys are falling over themselves to want to date me! a guy like BJ or anyone else I said on that topic would never even look at me ONCE, never mind twice in RL.

and yy to Gods plan thing. we may get spiritual love and stuff but yes, Id like physical love, hugs and kisses and stuff. (maybe we should go to the religion topic on mn for discussing that one. in fact i may pm you on this one)

if I dont wander over to other topics id just end up topping myself so i try and lighten up on other threads just for a bit.

Ive got a good sense of humour, its just very rare it emerges.

[marjproops]

just looked at my emails and in the junk folder theres a dating site on offer! just sent to delete!

Thanx for the pms too, btw.

[marjproops]

holstenlips dont know what Ive said thats helped you but glad something has

[wasteofspace123]

I know how you feel marj, I've been feeling much the same way recently. I have a lovely 2 year old DD and a DH who says he loves me but I feel like a fat, worthless waste of space. I'm convinced that DH will eventually leave me for someone else. What you said about being dead already if not for DC resonated with me, I have contemplated suicide and told DH but he begged me not to as it would give DD issues for the rest of her life. I actually feel envious of a friend's DH who died a few months ago from an undiagnosed heart condition, he went to bed one night and didn't wake again. I wish that could be me. I am a shit wife and mother and everyone would be better off without me around, DD would get looked after better at a nursery/childminder while DH works.

[marjproops]

waste please change your mn name, its made me very sad.

Id feel the same if I DID get a guy fool enough to love me. Id always be thinking hed leave me after not too long.

I also knew someone who died a while back and thought how lucky they were.
its horrible to say, for those who they left behind, but just being honest, as are you.

I often think DC would be better off somewhere else but I stay around BECAUSE she cant go with someone else or elsewhere. I want to be around because I love her and WANT to be around for her,and want her to be happy and Id like Grandchildren one day, not thinking I HAVE to be around for her.

Im not bitter that she has disabilities, (cant be helped)and that if she didnt she wouldnt need me later on in lfe, I really do adore her, shes my world.

I spoke to a friend once who felt the same as you and I said what your DH said that the child would blame themselves and think they must have been bad for mummy to do that and didnt mummy love them.

Im calling the kettle black here myself as I feel like killing myself often, and Id be pushing the same thoughts on to DC.

PLEASE thank God that you have a DH with you who obviously loves you to bits.

Im the same too as i feel like a piece of not even good enough to be shit, and get treated the same too.

[wasteofspace123]

I've namechanged to post in this section, I usually post under another name but I might be identifiable under that name if someone was to search all my posts and join the dots. I was going to start my own thread here but then I read yours and it sounded very similar to mine, sorry to hijack.

[marjproops]

Youre not hijacking at all, waste glad youre not usually under that name.

This threads obv hit a nerve as others do ith me, thats why we are all sharing and chatting about it.

[Branleuse]

big hugs.
looks fade . they're not important. you sound intelligent, self aware, caring, responsible, cool.
you also sound very very depressed. Im really sorry you're not happy. depression sucks. what meds have you tried?

[marjproops]

bran I cant ever have ANY meds for ANYTHING, I have a weird immune system. If I get a migraine (frequent) I just have to lie down with a cold flannel on my forehead till it goes.

Colds and flu. nothing.

was in hospital for a knee op 0nce and they gave me morphine as a lat resort to take away the pain. nothing (got a bit high but thats all!). i screamed the place down with pain and they had to give me a private room as i was disturbing the other patients in the ward.

the only SLIGHT thing an anti dep did was make me worse! i treid to jump from an upstairs window and the gp took me off them. its like things, if they work work the opposite.


so...not only ugly, fat, uselsess, but weird insides too!