Im so bloody ugly. lonely and despondent.

[marjproops]

Not looking for sympathy believe it or not, just need to unburden. but im so ugly. born ugly. and worthless.

watching TOTP on bbc4 and Blondie were on.
i was teenager then and wanted to look like Debbie Harry when i was older. who didnt? shes stunning. one of those faces you cant take your eyes off (and Im not gay!). men were panting for her and girls wanted to BE her. this ugly duckiling has never turned into a swan.

already with deep depression and seeing that has bought me down even more, even though i cant get any deeper.

i never attract anyone (i dont haver the best personailty either, i try though, im unsociable but friendly). ANYONE.

get called ugly troll in the street. only DC loves me. that should be enough but i feel such a gaping hole in my life. im not alone but feel so lonely.

just want to be properly loved by a decent man (after years of abuse). there must be SOMEONE, just ONE man on this planet of trillions of people.

im a lone parent for a good reason.

no matter how i do make up/style hair etc i still literally look like jabba the hut, with a figure to match, no diet or excercise works for me, and im physically disabled too.

sorry. anyone else feel this way? how do you cope? I am having counselling atm but it doesnt take away the feelings.

[TheSilveryPussycat]

And atm you can do Easter Bunny Smilies [bugrin]

[marjproops]

here, for you, and all of you for your support

[sensesworkingovertime]

I know what you mean ...it's the little things that keep you going .

[marjproops]

ah, you worked out the emoticons !

you know i didnt know until it was on a thread somewhere else and some savvy mns took us through the process.

it silly but little victories like working out emoticons do me the world of good, i feel ive acheived something!

[sensesworkingovertime]

I hope you start to get rid of that feeling, it must be unpleasant. And yes, try to put council out of your mind if you can, for now.

It is good advice to live for now, on the whole, too many people worry about next week, next month, next year etc etc and they miss out on now and you can only concentrate on how you are feeling now,not next year, if that makes sense. Now going to have a and and if there was a little symbol for Coronation Street ( perhaps a few cobbles), I would put that in!

[sensesworkingovertime]

weheyyyy, thanks Marj, I have been wondering for ages, now you have enlightened me!

(By the way you do express yourself well, you write well on MN anyway).
, watch me get carried away now......

[sensesworkingovertime]

[marjproops]

senses last sentence meant that when people say take one day at a time? I said in an earlier post I cant take a day, i could take 20 mins at a time but it gets less and less each day.

today, ive not had any really major reasons to be down yet i am, the feeling like im strapped ina straightjacket and i cant break free. tied hair back as it felt it was sticking to me, put on loose clothing, etc but still that awful trapped feeling. i mean, cant do any council stuff anyway as everythings shut so trying not to fret about that till next week.

about the emoticons- look below and if you are on keyboard go to the [ symbol next to the p letter. do [ word like 'smile' thats in smileys list below, and then]on next key to close it. that creates an emoticon. .

[sensesworkingovertime]

Marj honey, (please take my pet names as meant well, not patronising!) I'm not quite sure what you meant by last sentence, sorry, perhaps something I missed in an earlier thread?

Sorry to hear you are having so much bother with the council. For what it's worth I have learnt from my many battles with 'authority' figures that sometimes you find that you are unfortunately dealing with one particular idiot. You may be able to ring up on a different day and ask to speak to a different person, maybe even someone senior/the manger and if you explain things to them reasonably they may take a different slant on it. If you know it is not your fault, due to late sent letters and Bank Holidays then tell them plainly, simple, firmly, try to stay calm. Write down beforehand exactly what you want to say, I do this so I don't forget anything during a potentially difficult conversation. You may get a surprise. Also you could try Citizens Advice?

I feel very fed up at times, due to my circumstances but I don't want to go into that here and now. I'm looking outside and just thinking 'it's nice to see some sunshine for a change....even though it is still freezing'. Hope you can find something today to make you feel better. I have no idea how to do the smiley faces and stuff on MN otherwise I would put one in!

[marjproops]

Okay XTC girl (!) Ill stayy Marj for now, just for you! Id probably wouldnt fool anyone anyway, my writing style and stuff. Id prob say the' poster formerly known as...'and thanx for the 'bank' support.

Im not taking any notice now of the misenterpreted slight flaming on mn, i tried to explain myself, not everyone speaks perfect English and can express themselves accordingly. sometimes i might not agree with someone but i wont be nasty to them.

Clooney does zilch for me too btw but he doesnt to many. i do zilch to everyone except DC!!

my rare boldness gone again, getting the council now on me as THEY mucked up and sent me council tax/bedroom tax form right at last minute, offices and banks closed over easter and 1st payments wont be able to go out on 1st/2nd april, i called them today (and i have a phone phobia) and broke down as they said id be fined for arrears.

i said 'you cant do that, you sent me things too late, i have a disabled child and her needs come before everything else, and if she cant go out due to her meltdowns i cant be going to the bank can i anyweay...etc etc'' nothing.

i said in an earlier post here i try to take 20 mins or so at a time and try and get through that, but its getting to be every 5 mins atm.

[sensesworkingovertime]

Yes Marj, big time, still think I'm 16! (in answer to your last question).

I was inwardly shouting 'Go Marj, go Marj' whilst punching fist in the air when I read you Tale of the Bank. If you ask me there are people out there who speak to anyone like this (ie as if you're about 5 and thick as two short planks) no matter what they look like. It's the way they are, poor them I say, going through life in such a patronising way. Hopefully you have given the dozy bint something to think about.

I know what you mean about the name change, I once nearly started a riot/lynch mob on here, it was truly awful, but there must be people with similar circumstances to you though so have a think, I don't want you to lose any of the support/friendship you have been getting.

Marj, just a thought, some women think George Clooney is GORGEOUS, some don't, he does zilch for me personally. There is no standard for attractive. Don't let the opinions of these nasty people you have encountered matter to you, they are stupid, they are ugly to the core if they can do stuff like this to you.

[TheSilveryPussycat]

I have a dear friend who I suppose could be called ugly, in the usual meaning of the word. But she doesn't look ugly to anyone who knows her, or even to those who have only seen her reading her poetry. She looks like Herself, iyswim :)

[marjproops]

99 its not just that I know Im ugly its a fact as I have it said/spat/insulted to me frequently, and have ahad all my life.

If I was fat (im not slim nut im not obese) people would say 'you're fat'.

so really, seriously, I AM ugly, not just a self-analysis, but from many many other people.

If I wasnt they wouldnt be saying it?

Hope you are okay now 99

Thanx silver i actually felt a bit good about it!

[99problems]

Hi, not read the whole thread so sorry if someone has already mentioned this but have you considered you may have Body Dysmorphic Disorder? Google it, basically the way an anorexic person sees themselves as fat no matter what, someone with BDD sees themselves as ugly. You may think, "but I am just ugly"... That may still be BDD.

I have BDD, have had plastic surgery aged 18, sought help, had CBT. It helped for a while, and when I feel myself 'slipping' into old way of thinking ("I'm hideous/most unattractive person in the whole" etc) I look through the techniques I learned in CBT again.

Just a thought anyway, hope you are feeling better.

[TheSilveryPussycat]

marj do you realise how truly amazing you are for standing up to the bank on your own behalf (and, when you think about it, on behalf of many,many others).

[marjproops]

Think Im going to have to namechange soon, been Marj for ages and I think (this thread ok) Im too honest for my own good

, 1)for fear of being outed one of these days (i know people on mn)
and 2)

sometimes I dont explain things the right way and some other forums on mn are brutal and i even feel a bit bullied on them-prob my fault for not 'talking' properly. were asked for opinions and then people dont like them? or if Ive started a thread somewhere and inadvertantly said the wrong thing. (happening right now somewhere)

Ill just stick to either general stuff and not even mention DCs gender/age, our circumstances and not share so much.

Im lonely and need friends and as i dont have a social life as such i go on mn.

ill prob give myself away after a while but ill have to be less honest about myself and just not go deep into things.

so thank you again for all your support, I really do appreciate it. Im even ugly on forums and thats being unseen!

[marjproops]

thank you. I did once say to a group of schoolboys 'actually im usually gorgeous, im just having a day off' but stll didnt make me feel better and they just mocked all the more.

also, justt this morning, in my bank, tring to setup a standing order for this flippin bedroom tax, the woman there speaking to me as if i was a dunce.

in the end i said'excuse me, do you mean to be so patronising? I know squat about banking, i just have my money here, you're the expert but dont speak to me like im a child please. now, if YOU want advice about disabled children and living with chronic pain, then Im quite happy to advise YOU, as I am an expert in THAT.'. then i walked (or hobbled) out of the bank, leaving them all widemouthed.

Im NEVER confrontational, but Ive had a terrible weekend, in a lot of physical pain, and mental pain and just snapped.

for flips sake, its something every single day. seriously, i just cannot enjoy life for a second. thats why i mn a lot in my evenings, let off steam, try and have a bit of a laugh on other forums like Chat and stuff, but it comes back to bite me.

Thank you for the hug, DC gives me hugs all the time but today shes been screaming at me 'i hate you i hate you' becaude of out current circumstances. she doesnt understand,I know its not ME she hates, its the circumstances, but mummys supposed to have the answers and mummy cant do any more than shes doing.

so really appreciate your hug, senses btw love the name, XTC fan by any chance?

[sensesworkingovertime]

Marje, I know as well as anyone how difficult it can be to up your self esteem, esp when faced with people like the guy in the coffee shop. But it's my bet that you have got a twinkle in your eye that the 'lovely blonde' doesn't have because that can only come through with a personality. Sometimes people really stare at me and I think, wow this can be one of only 3 things, either I'm fascinating, very pretty or hideously ugly. Oh and people never EVER seem to forget my face, even if they've only seen me once! This gives me a bit of a complex.

I am sending you a big hug over the airwaves...or whatever the technology is...!

[TheSilveryPussycat]

I so know what you mean about having a bold 5 minutes. Keep an eye out for them, and don't let them pass you by.

[marjproops]

the replies and support Im getting here are wonderful btw. thank you so much. i dont feel so alone.

thank you.

[marjproops]

Oh bless you, thats so sweet.

I know what you mean, i see these orange you've been tangoed oompa loompas walking around and think 'what the flip?' but obv these innit dude bruvs like them. id never dare to have looked like that.

i know beauty is skin deep and the eye of the beholder etc etc, but for example, just today, i was out for a coffee with Dc for social studies (!) and the girl in the queue in front of me, lovely wavy blonde hair, young, really pretty, nicely dressed, the barista virtually frothing more than the coffee machine was, and then he saw my face.

I had make up on, decently put on make up, my hair is okay, shiny and straight, i was smartly dressed, but his face fell and even his tone of voice.

ok ok i get it, Im not pretty but dont make it so bloody obvious.
I get that a lot.

even if im in a queue behind someone not young/female/orange i still get that.

I kNOW i shouldnt let it get to me but it does.

but i suppose even if i was stunning looking the depression I Have would still spoil it for me.

thats the thing. i could win the lottery/Wimbledon/world cup/gold medal but nothing-NOTHING takes away this weight thats depression.

its a horrible thing to have day after day.

Im so sorry i sound so pathetic and pity-party.

[sensesworkingovertime]

Hi Marj, I have tried to follow the gist of this thread but you've had a lot of replies I've not had chance to read all!

I would agree with what most people are saying and that you sound absolutely lovely, lovely person, great mum. I can identify with your issues about your looks because I've had and still have plenty of issues throughout my life (in mid forties now). When I was younger I was called names plenty of times in school and in the street but I now know it was the people doing the calling who were the ugly ones. Not me, and not you or your DC. I mean, just imagine yourself for a min going out, seeing someone you didn't like the look of and calling them something horrible. If I imagine this I actually feel ashamed and ugly inside so god knows how I would feel if I really did it.

And who's to say what beauty is for goodnesss sake? You only have to look at all these young girls today bleaching, tanning and fake eyelashing themselves to within an inch of their lives to know that it's all a bit warped. To me that look is totally yuck but they obviously think it's great.

And by the way, my DH does not fancy Debbie Harry! ( I thought she was great)

I hope some of our replies make you feel better. Keep strong. YOU ARE FAB. YOU ARE NOT, I REPEAT NOT, UGLY, OK ?

[TheSilveryPussycat]

ooh a nice drop of port sounds v nice, more than one glass would be urg to me, but just the one glass sounds v civilised.

more people have got a similar story to your mistaken ribena accident than you think.

I am ancient, and can recall the GM's of friends' DC advising putting a drop of whiskey (is that right? twas Irish!) in baby's bottle...

[marjproops]

I dont know what a wall eye is but it doesnt sound nice!

someone just had a dig at me somewhere on another thread to do with Dcs disabilities and it upset me but i held my own, answered in defence and got some support.

so try a lot not to let things defeat me. difficult to do but I can get a 'bold' 5 mins here or there. and make the most of it when i do.

i have been drunk a couple of times but that was pre-DC. wont ever let her see me drink alc in front of her.

did once, was a glass of port, left it for a mo on the coffee table, she obv thought it was ribena and took a big glug.

I screamed, poured a (literally) bathful of water down her. she slept well though! but that scared me, so only have the occasional drink once shes in bed.

[TheSilveryPussycat]

Are you admitting to warts, nasal hair and a wall eye marj?

Then let me rephrase - how lovely is the feel of the warts and nasal hair of the beloved (not so sure that you'd be able to feel a wall eye? ).

I am so glad a tot of something nice does you a bit of good :) I tend to stick to lager these days when I drink, which is not often, as I used to have a tendency to overdo wine or spirits