It's too hard

[GracieLoo]

I'm sorry, finding every day a struggle and thinking I can't see a future. There's no point in anything I do. I try my best for dd but I do ok for a bit then it all goes wrong. I can't deal with the whinging, maybe she would be ok with someone else.

I was just driving on the motorway, was driving too fast, on verge of tears, and really wishing someone would crash into me. Dd was in the car and I wouldn't want anything to happen to her, but she was asleep and it was like she wasn't there.

Been crying too much recently, getting too fat, being irritable and distant with family, I just don't want to carry on anymore. Going back to work on Monday, the anxiety is making me feel worse, I know tomorrow I'm going to be dreading it so much. Thinking of not going, handing me notice in, not really caring what happens. I can't cope with it.

I don't feel right, I can't think straight. I feel so tense.

Thats a shame. She seemed good.
How long have you had her?

Almost a year, similar thing happened this time last year and set me back. Hate being so reliant and the way it makes me feel. Got a sudden feeling of complete despair, kept crying so thought I'd get dd out, she fell asleep so I drove crying to GP surgery to make an appt for next week. Receptionist looked at me and made an appt then it was really quiet, but dd woke up so I arranged it for the morning.

So now sat in a meds induced daze in a soft play place, thinking what's the point in all this. I crumble at the slightest thing and feel I'm only just hanging on.

It is a tough time of year for you.
Have they mentioned you getting a new care coordinator?

Yeah I will be, but everything feels so pointless! Feeling so empty and emotionless now. Losing the will..

Why can't I accept these things happen? I get so upset by people leaving, I feel abandoned and everything has been a waste of time. I am getting urges to od which is scaring me. But I also feel relief when I think about what it would be like to escape.

To you feel abandoned because you feel that your dad left you?

I have to be careful here, as I am not medically trained at all.
I am guessing that when someone leaves, even if you really know that it is not personal, and they are just moving on from their job, it triggers the feelings you got when your dad left?

Why do you think that her help has been a waste of time Gracie?

She's done her job fine, it's just me that's failed by struggling again. I can't go through life like this, but I'm too scared to end it, even though the thoughts are there a lot. I don't know what I have to say to the professionals, or what help there is? I know if I carry on like this I can end up in day hospital again, but that was a waste of time, and think they would be reluctant to do that. But when I'm scared of my own mind maybe I do need more help.

GracieLoo you so have not failed.
We all get disappointed sometimes, and have down days. They are normal. Each time that happens, that is not a failure.
It is very natural to be upset that your nice care coordinator is leaving. You have seen her a lot and she was nice, and you liked her, and she was helpful.

My heads in two places, all I can think about is getting drunk and taking pills. But I know dd needs me. I do my best for her but sometimes I think she'll do better with my mum. It can't be good to be brought up by a depressed mum.

I dont think it could ever be better for her if you were not around.

A while back when I felt like you do, I read on the MIND website that children whose parent commits suicide don't often do well. Children with a depressed parent by comparison do OK. I remind myself of that when I'm having a bad day. I really hope it helps you to. Be kind to yourself.

You are having thoughts - I suspect your mind is doing the best it can for you by considering all options. I have had thoughts too, but always knew that they just meant I wanted to be better, and managed to change thoughts so that they became thoughts of fast forwarding to a time when things were better.

Suicidal ideation is not the same as being suicidal. But having them is a mental health emergency. When one is used to putting on a calm face, it can be hard to convince the gatekeeper receptionist that it is an emergency, but I have done it for MH problems (possible hypomania), so if you need to don't be afraid to insist on emegency appointment.

My depression, sad to say, had a lot to do with hating work (and much to do with an abusive relationship too). My MH led to me leaving work several times, I am lucky in that could survive financially without, with that proviso I am sure that my MH led me to act in a way that ended in an improvement in my MH (as did my divorcing EX!!)

It all seems endless, doesn't it? You may need to try another med? [hugs] and warm wishes.

When I'm having a better day I can understand it's just thoughts, and I need to be here, and I try to think of something I'm looking forward to. But then it can all come crashing down and life seems so pointless. The more bad days I have, the harder it is to fight them. I get scared that I can't cope with the bad thoughts, and the crying fits I have are horrible as I can't stop.

I've spent the afternoon in bed, just because I could, and it was nice to hide away for a bit and not face anything. But now I have plans to go to a friends for the night, for food and wine, but I'm even struggling to have a shower. I want to cancel but I can't, and I'm thinking I could go for a bit, then drive home and take tablets as it's starting to take over my life and i feel too desperate. Things feel harder knowing my cc is leaving, my heads saying people leave because of me, as same thing happened with a HV.

We and you ,need you to have many more good days than you seem to be having lately.

Are you still on the 75mg, and taking them when you should?
Because if you are, I dont think the dose is high enough.
I know you wanted to gradually wean yourself off them, but I dont think you are ready yet. Or, perhaps you need a higher dose at this time of year, as it is not the best time of year for you, is it.

You may need to be at a higher dose around now, and can manage on a lower dose in a few months time.

I'm scared, and confused of what's going on in my head! Too scared, feel i shouldn't be here

Can you either let your thoughts sing what they have to say to you in a gentle way, or let the thoughts fly over your head somehow (the second is the thing I usually manage when I have suffered from intrusive thoughts.

Horizontal rest is important even if you find it hard to get to sleep...

Hi Gracie
I havent forgotten you. Just be feeling a little unwell. Should be able to post again soonish I am hoping.

amillionyears hope you are feeling ok

Feeling a bit better for the minute.
How are things today.

Been thinking lots, and starting thinking of the actual way I would do it. It's taking over, if I'm driving I imagine crashing, if I see an ambulance I imagine being in it, I hear of something happening later in the year, and I think I may not be around then. It's not nice. Then found out today dd's dad and partner are having a baby, making dd a big sister, something I feel bad about. I wish I could be the one to give her a sibling, got visions in my head of them as a perfect family, and she'll get everything she should have with them - normality, making coming home to me even worse.

GracieLoo, I think when you are feeling a bit better, you may think that actually it will be nice for DD to have a baby sister, even if it is from her dad.
You will always be her mum, and she is going to love you.And want to come home to you.

GracieLoo, when is the next time you see a health professional?

Wed or thurs, can't remember. Feeling gutted. I know it's selfish. Just feel I'm not meant to be here.

Please reach out for more help from your friends and family. Not telling them makes you feel more alone and cut off. You'll find that when u confide in people instead of putting on a front that lots of them are very sympathetic and have often had depression themselves. Your DD will also benefit from being around people who are smiling and interacting with her, my HV told be its important for baby's development (not sure how old your LO is?). My sis is in very similar situation MH wise. This time around instead of hiding it she was honest with people and has been amazed how accepting and supportive they've been. Please also tell work how down u are feeling. I think work may help distract your mind from the bad thoughts. The more active u are and more u get out the better you'll feel. CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) can work wonders. As can the right meds. Don't worry about your weight at the moment, just focus on getting your head straight first. IMHO no point taking lower dose as u won't really benefit. I'm so sorry u are feeling like this. Remember if u need them the Samaritans are always there to listen 24/7. This WILL pass and life will bring good things to you again. Don't give up, don't be tainted by the past. Your daughter loves you. Sending u positive thoughts and love xxx

I have got so used to hiding things from family and friends it would be so hard to open up. I'm just not like that, I've always kept things to myself. However there are a couple of friends, who I don't know as well, but they know I struggle and have said they are there if I need to talk. So I've texted them earlier and not heard back. I know they could be busy, have their own lives etc, but this is why I don't like reaching out. I end up feeling embarrassed, hurt and even more alone when I get ignored. I now feel I'm too needy, scared to go to bed then face tomorrow. It's too much, every week is just horrible. And I've been taking meds properly. I've felt less irritable but more depressed?!