It's too hard

[GracieLoo]

I'm sorry, finding every day a struggle and thinking I can't see a future. There's no point in anything I do. I try my best for dd but I do ok for a bit then it all goes wrong. I can't deal with the whinging, maybe she would be ok with someone else.

I was just driving on the motorway, was driving too fast, on verge of tears, and really wishing someone would crash into me. Dd was in the car and I wouldn't want anything to happen to her, but she was asleep and it was like she wasn't there.

Been crying too much recently, getting too fat, being irritable and distant with family, I just don't want to carry on anymore. Going back to work on Monday, the anxiety is making me feel worse, I know tomorrow I'm going to be dreading it so much. Thinking of not going, handing me notice in, not really caring what happens. I can't cope with it.

I don't feel right, I can't think straight. I feel so tense.

Thanks for that. Usually she dosn't make appts if she's on duty.

It's all about priorities I'm afraid.

But feel free to vent here.

It sounds like the job is underlyingly OK? Please don't worry about crying at work, people are more understanding than you think atm I'm sure. You are doing well to go in at all.

Sorry I'm just in a bad place right now, been feeling worse and worse over the past weeks. Maybe I rely on these appts too much, I shouldn't as when I most need help this happens.

I'm not sat in my dressing gown, feeling sick and exhausted from crying. Dd's watching films and playing by herself. There's housework etc I could be doing but my mind and body feel numb. I can't move and there seems no point in doing anything. I'm useless and pathetic, got a big stash of pills building up and I'm thinking about it more and more. But I know there are priotorities, someone on the edge of a train track is different from me sat at home sobbing wanting to end all this so badly but not able to. I'm just scared and I can't do this alone.

Now I've come across as a selfish cow, I'm giving up with posting here, asking for help etc, already phoned and canceled next wks appt as forgot I was working anyway.

OK don't worry about the housework. Something simple for DD's tea, like fish fingers and oven chips. If possible, go and watch film with her, kid's TV or a Disney oldy or Toy Story or something.

That's what I used to do with mine (DS now 24, DD now 21). We are all fine, and you will be too.

And keep posting - I'm checking about once an hour.

I'm sorry, I don't know what to do, not thinking straight. Watched a bit of film with her, but I started crying. My friend said she'd have dd while I go to doctors so she can have tea there, I just have to hold it together while taking her there.

I hate goodbyes, and I hate the fact I've been seeing my cc weekly for a year and it ended like that. Feel really horrible about it, and it doesn't feel right. But I wish it didn't affect me like this, it doesn't help I was already feeling rubbish.

and lovely gracie you are doing fine, you are holding it together, taking it bit by bit. When you are a bit better, I'm sure you might be able to send a card or something to your old cc, through her team?

Thank u for helping me get through today. I saw a GP, not my usual one but she was nice. Got some diazepam, and was advised not to leave the cmht. Can't concentrate on much, got into bed half undressed, not bothered with brushing teeth or cleaning face. Want this day to be over. Kind of hoping cc will ring before she leaves on Friday but not counting on it, was going to drop a card in but feel silly doing that now, and wouldn't know what to do. 'sorry for still being needy and messed up'!.

There are bad days then days like these, when there seems no point in being here anymore ruining everyone's lives.

Only too glad to help.

Perhaps you could take a leaf out of your last post, and write in the card 'thanks for helping me get through the past year', trust me it will be appreciated, but also don't worry if you don't feel up to it...

Take care.

how are you today gracie? We actually have sunshine here!

Not been as tearful today, think diazepam has got me through the day. Trying to get little things done so I feel I've achieved something, helps my head feel less muddled.

My cc phoned, I'm so glad she did. She apologised for yesterday, I said I understand things happen, it was just really unfortunate it was that day. She said she could tell by my face I was struggling, but reassured me my new cc is lovely. I said I hate goodbyes and she said she did too, and was welling up! That made me feel a bit more valued in a way, and she said I deserve the treatment I'm having.

Situations like this, I find hard, and I think it goes back to my dad ending it when I was young. Yesterday I felt on the verge of a breakdown, scared of getting through the next few days as still feeling very on the edge.

Meant she could tell yesterday I wasn't doing good, but she was waiting for that call and felt torn.

It was sunny here too, that helps a bit to get small jobs done and get out of the house. Wish I could cope without the diazepam though.

So glad your cc phoned. It sounds like a lovely phone call :) even tho the circs are sad. Your job now is just to keep on keeping on, you are so right about getting little things done :)

you ok?

Not sure really?! Just bought a bottle of wine, taken loads of painkillers as in loads of pain, and thinking I need a diazepam as getting panicky about seeing a couple of friends tonight and hiding behind the 'happy' mask. Just want to get drunk, not a good sign. Dd's not here btw, happy and safe at her dads.

Doesn't sound like a v good mix to me... In fact I think a friend of mine took diazepam or something like it when he was climbing back on the wagon (he is dry now :))

Are you going out with the friends? I know about happy masks, and how tiring keeping them up can be. But better to see friends than not - when I have been down and thought I couldn't face friends but did anyway, it has nearly always helped.

What do u mean with your friend and diazepam? Back home, friends weren't up for it, i wanted to drink and drink... Now home with nothing but tablets.. Cut my hand a bit, my arm is aching, makes me cope a buy better

'bit better' not 'buy'. I feel horrible and not in control, I've messed up

he took it to help alcohol withdrawal symptoms - so prob not relevant.

drinking and drinking deffo not a good idea. I still don't really understand the s h, but glad you feel a bit better anyway...

It's ok, I don't undrestand myself. All I know is right now I miss my dad, I'm scared and I've got a pile of pills infront of me.

pm'd you

Took a few but now just sitting here feeling numb, know its not too many so should just sleep, scared od being sick. I know no one understands, my friends don't understand.

Well I do understand feeling so bad that you want it to stop... Hope you sleep well.

Fell asleep straight after taking tablets, woke a couple of hours later and was violently sick. Couldn't tell if there was blood or cos of red wine, (stupid) so rang out of hours and started crying. They rang back and said to drink lots of fluids but I felt too sick. Feel I've let everyone down this morning, including myself.

Your body looked after you by being sick, you rang out of hours which was exactly the right thing to do. You haven't let anyone down. [hugs]

I'm not scared of harming myself, and I know that's not normal to think like that, but I do feel guilty about dd, but I know she's with her dad and fine. I'm just sat here feeling shaky and dizzy, and not really sure what I should do. Might go back to bed.