It's too hard

[GracieLoo]

I'm sorry, finding every day a struggle and thinking I can't see a future. There's no point in anything I do. I try my best for dd but I do ok for a bit then it all goes wrong. I can't deal with the whinging, maybe she would be ok with someone else.

I was just driving on the motorway, was driving too fast, on verge of tears, and really wishing someone would crash into me. Dd was in the car and I wouldn't want anything to happen to her, but she was asleep and it was like she wasn't there.

Been crying too much recently, getting too fat, being irritable and distant with family, I just don't want to carry on anymore. Going back to work on Monday, the anxiety is making me feel worse, I know tomorrow I'm going to be dreading it so much. Thinking of not going, handing me notice in, not really caring what happens. I can't cope with it.

I don't feel right, I can't think straight. I feel so tense.

Arm is so bruised and was cut open, so was given a few painkillers to last, think it's normal. It's just my head was a mess before all this happened and I feel a bit emotional. And I'm worried I feel myself hiding away this week. I miss being looked after in hospital which is hard to admit and makes me sound needy and weak, suppose I am though.

It is understandable that you liked being looked after in hospital.
When I was younger, so did I.
Any chance you can stay at your mums?

How was today, Gracie?

I'm a bit of mess at the moment. Care coordinator just came round, but my mind went blank. I couldn't express myself and don't think she picked up on it. Sometimes I wonder what the point of cmht is. Maybe it's good she's leaving and I'm getting someone new. I might get more from the appts. I can't help but feel their other clients are iller, or they want to help them more than me. I just didn't know what to say today.

Arms still hurting, getting more uncomfortable and itchy. Want to cut the cast off so badly!

How many days until your cast can come off?

GracieLoo,your cmht, for now at least , and as far as I know,can help everyone that needs help.

Can't sleep, keep going through experience of being in hospital, things that happened and how awful I felt in there. The noise, the drips and the way the nurses were so abrupt. I keep thinking of it. This happened after I had dd, kept waking up thinking about it all.

How are you today, Gracie. Try to think about something else, easier said than done , I know

Feeling horrible today, snappy, low, no energy. This shitty weather doesn't help, and not being able to drive or do an awful lot while still being in pain is making me feel worse. Found out my new care coordinator will be a cpn who knows more about meds, so that may be a good thing. Still anxious about the change though. Had enough of everything falling apart, really had enough and think I'm going to have a big cry when dd's in bed.

H Gracieloo, how are you this morning - the weather's better anyway. WHat are you doing today?

Can't drive so not done a lot, just managed to have a bath! Got fracture clinic later. Keep feeling myself going to cry then I can't. My mood is low but I can't lift it. Having the ongoing worry it's affecting dd, she keeps asking if I love her. I try to sound upbeat around her.

How did the clinic go Gracie? And how has your day been? Better , I hope

Just had a horrible dream about having a break down and dd being taken away. It was so realistic. Having lots of horrible vivid dreams recently. Then I wake up to the horrible reality of my life.

What is wrong with me?! I don't know if I'm ever going to have a day when I don't find it hard to cope. Dd and I are very close at the moment and it scares me that it can be like this, then other days I feel detached and could walk away from everything. Trouble is it's extreme and I don't want to going to nursery or her dads, and even her being in bed now, I want to go and lie with her. Now I'm crying. I don't know what's wrong with me.

Also, since I broke my arm and spent 3 days in hospital which brought back memories of dd's birth, any hospital story in paper, on tv or hearing people talk about me makes me feel anxious and I feel like crying or do start crying.

Seeing cc tomorrow, then next week is our last appt and that's making me sad too. I don't feel suicidal right now, but got lots of pills in the house which I think about and I feel better for having that stash. Especially when I feel I'm losing control. I feel in a strange place right now, bit impulsive and I keep buying stuff, but it's like it's not me doing it. Not sure that makes sense, it's hard to put into words. I just feel scared and lonely right now.

I do believe suicidal ideation is just us trying to keep some control.

May I ask are you better in yourself in the summer months? Getting exercise and sunlight can make a difference (must practise what I preach)

I do prefer the sun like most people, but I can get very down at any time of year. For some reason may has been when I have od'd in the past few years. Just watching the interview about Gary Speeds suicide. Hate the fact I relate so much to it, and can understand why people do it.

Sat crying as finding today a real struggle. I'm tired as woke in the night worrying about work, childcare and money. Now I'm so tired I feel achey all over but feel guilty as just put DVD on for dd.

I think I'm panicking about going back to work tomorrow, and how I'm going to cope with a broken arm. I hate that the thought of work is making me cry, but I'm stuck as I need the money, especially now as I'm looking for a new place to rent.

The skys so grey and it matches my mood. I don't know what to do with myself.

Don't know why I bother

so sorry for your arm gracieloo, i hope you will get better soon.
i hope all your other problems will be solved easily and there is light at end of the tunnel.
tomorrow i wish you all the strength at work.
best wishes. :)

Oh gracie My previous question re summer was in hopes there was a seasonal element to how you are feeling.

Is work OK usually? I don't think you should be going in if you are sitting crying about it the day before - and I say that as one who has been there in several jobs. But I didn't have accrued sickness day problems, as I think you have? Do you have an occupational health dept?

Thanks for replying, I feel so alone, trying to make all these decisions whilst feeling so down. There's no occ' health dept, I've been going over in my head what I can do, change hours, look for new job, shall I talk to anyone at work? It's all going round in my head but I can't come to a decision about what's best. I can't see anything making me happy. I'm panicking about having to get up and out so early then crying on the way to work like I was doing, then having 2 weeks off has made it worse.

Another issue now is looking for a new place to rent. And being judged and looked down on when I turn up as a single mum, I got asked if I'm sure I can afford it. Made me feel crap. What else can I do, I don't want to go to the council.

This eve I was stupid and hurt my bad arm, doesn't feel enough though. It didn't hurt enough.

gracie I know v little about that form of 'release' - the nearest I have come is biting my wrist hard enough to leave teeth marks (no broken skin). But it seems like there must be a better way than damaging yourself?

So what is the problem with work (leaving aside all the other stuff, cos it was overwhelming you)? Is it the long hours themselves, a commute, the type of work you do, or what?

I don't even know why I dread it so much. I don't want to give too many personal details, what my job is, but I worry about not doing it properly, not coping with the long day, it can be stressful at times and because I've cried at work, I hate crying infront of people, I've just got stupidly anxious about it. Plus the guilt of leaving dd and the worry about childcare.

But if I wasn't at work, and dd wasn't here I'd spend the day in bed, that's what I'm desperate to do, but it's probably not the best thing. Sometimes I just find it really hard being around others when inside I'm a mess.

I really need help and I've been trying to get it all morning. Spent ages trying to get through to doctors. Had an appt anyway with cc and was meeting the new one. I slept badly last night and spent the morning in tears as there's so much going on, I feel in a right panic. Crying and shaking now. I waited for 40 mins to see them, then got told cc was on the phone. She came down and said there was an emergency and sorry but she's got to take a call from the police. The new one then came into the waiting room with her diary and made an appt for next week.

So it was a shit last 'meeting' with my cc. I didn't get to say much. I left, broke down in tears and feel I can't cope with all this for another week. There's too much I needed to get off my chest and wanted help with. I feel like hurting myself now as I don't know how to get out of this state. I drove straight to the GP and they got me an appt for later. I'm going to tell them I want nothing to do with the cmht anymore. I don't find them any help and I don't feel I want to get to know a new one then get let down again.

Feel completely alone and worthless.

Reading that back makes me sound selfish. But what's the point of being under the cmht if they're always late for appts, or cancel them and are never available when I ring up. When you're feeling low and have no self-esteem, this really doesn't help. I thought there were duty people to deal with emergencies so others can see their clients. She also finally gave me my care plan, a year late, and the last time I'll see her?!

She was probably on duty for that day.