Borderline Personality Disorder

[frillynat81]

Hi there...

Just thought I'd start a new thread to see if there are any mumsnetters with BPD who'd like to come chat, share how they're feeling, coping techniques, experiences etc.

x

well I'm lying in bed having a wee cry to myself. sat thinking about bad things I've done in the past and 'punishing' myself mentally for being an awful person. don't deserve my son either.

Frilly :( You're not a bad person, darling. And the past is the past. Don't continue to punish yourself for something you can't change now. You can only change how you react to it. Big hugs. xx

Thanks boobs for your kind words xx I've got the GP today so have a lot to talk over with her. Dreading it

Hi guys, hope you're all ok and your appointment went well Frilly.

I was wondering if anyone knows if you could ever become a psychotherapist yourself if you have BPD? It is what I have always wanted to do, would the BPD make it impossible??

SirBoobAlot - thanks for recommending that book, I'm reading it now and have literally gasped with shock at the descriptions of traits & behaviours, I have all of them (apart from the suicide attempts)...

Hiya frilly, I don't really cope with stress very well, so I'm thinking of giving up the difficult shift..that's my pattern though - aargh it's so hard.

Really sorry to hear you've had a crap time of it lately..hope your appointment goes well today..hugs xx

How did it go today, Frilly?

Flick, it is quite a tough read for the first chapter or so, I think, accepting it. But have found it one of the best books on BPD I have read. Though am thinking of writing my own... As for training, I know several people with BPD (or other mental illnesses) who are now CPNs, and one who is doing her PhD in Psychology currently. People with direct experience of mental health tend to be better at working in that field, IMHO!

Have had a bad flare day physically, though feel a bit better from resting today. Made some cookies with DS because I felt guilty that he ended up doing an extra day at playschool (my mum collected him from here) as I was too ill. He always gets more frustrated when I'm poorly, which I understand.

DP has gone off the radar as he is away for a weeks worth of meetings and forgot to take his bloody phone charger with him.

Hope you're all okay. x

Hope the GP went well, Frilly

I have no idea about being a psychotherapist, Flick.

I can't see the book Boobs has linked to... can you let me know what it is called, please?

Hope everyone is ok.

Flixsticks I do quite identify with your list, but for all personality disorder lists of qualifying criteria I get quite confused.

They say "black and white thinking" is this all the time, in big ways? Or can it be some of the time, or in smaller ways, I do wish they would elaborate.

I don't think I will ever get help, I find it very hard to talk to people, especially Doctors, so I think some mild anti'ds are the best I will ever do, kind of a vicious circle.

hi all, hope you're doing ok and warm winter hugs all round.

well, gp went as ok as it could. after being discharged I am being referred back to cmht to see god knows who and my propanalol has been increased. have been low since and feel so disappointed in myself.

violets may I pm you?

pariah I am terrible for the whole black and white thinking! drives most people I know mental.

also, is anyone a stickler for routine and regimented behaviour? I dunno if this has to with me scoring fairly high for ocd like behaviours.

hi, just popping in here. I've been diagnosed with BPD, although I'm thinking that the diagnosis gets more irrelevant as time goes on (but that's another story!) I do have the core problem with emotional regulation but I'm managing well atm so haven't self harmed etc for ages. These issues are horrible to deal with though, I still have to constantly manage a series of never ending triggers

pariah my experience of b&w thinking is inflexibility- once you've made up your mind about something (particularly if it's something that evokes a strong emotional response, less so otherwise) it's difficult to shift, and the opinions formed tend to be at the extreme end, often out of proportion to the evidence. So someone smiles at you & they are the most wonderful person in the world, but if they ignore you when you pass on the street they are the source of all evil.

frilly I love my routine as well, but that may be down to my ADHD-like traits. I think it has to do with what makes you feel safe- if routine makes you feel better, your brain is less likely to kick off so makes sense you want to stick with it.

PariahHairy - Hi there in my personal experience black and white thinking is feeling strong emotions one way or the other, and often flicking between the two, especially with close relationships. For example with my Mum is where I have the most extreme black/white thinking. Sometimes I will feel really compassionate towards here, so much that my heart could burst, other times she will do something which in other peoples mind wouldn't be a big deal but to me it's massive and a real insult. I will then dwell on it and think I hate her, this will go on for a few days. I get it with friendships as well, I will really like someone and think we have loads in common and could be great mates, then something will happen or they will say something I take as a sign they don't like me and I will think there are an utter twat (whereas it's really me who's being the twat ).

I also get it with politics, sometimes I can feel very right wing, other times I am practically a communist. Sometimes I am middle of the road but not often!

I get it with DH to a certain extent too, usually I think he is my rock, the one who 'saved' me and keeps me sane and has taught me a different way to be, other times I think he has brainwashed me or secretly wants to leave me and when he is in a bad mood because he's tired (not often) I think 'God, I can't live my life like this anymore with this awful man I need to end it'... Scary...

Ummmmm, does anyone else feel like this or have I just outed myself as utterly nuts?!?

SirBoobAlot - The book was fantastic

Does anyone else get the over sensitive thing where you can't watch harrowing films or horror films? I can't. Sometimes I can't even watch the news.

Does anyone get the 'magical thinking'? In the book it says people with BPD can think they are psychic, I have thought I was at different times, am disappointed to find out it may have just been the disorder

My black and white is the most obvious when it comes to my relationships too. I feel like I can hate people so easily and I've become quite a bitter person because of it. When I find someone I like I invest alot in them emotionally, more so than people usually would. I realise I never like someone for long though. I find I obsess over losing friendships even if I wasnt that bothered in the first place. Dont know if that makes sense. My feelings change for DP daily but I try hard not to show it.

Flicksticks Sometimes I really love a good horror movie but there have been days when things affect me more than usual and imagery will get stuck in my head and will act as a trigger for hallucinations and manic behavior to start.

I get confused about the term magical thinking. I was told that an example of my magical thinking was that at times I used to think that I was being secretly watched or filmed alot when I was younger. I dont get it as much anymore.

Does anyone esle get a recurring nightmare that then affects them when they wake up? I've had this same nightmare on and off throughout my life since I was about 5. When I wake up from it I will get auditry and visual hallucinations and what I've always refurred to as physical hallucinations where my sense of touch goes all strange for a week or 2 as well.

Illustrated - I can get very affected by good dreams & bad. Sometimes I will feel strange & jumpy all day after a nightmare. A good dream (usually about a man I know/an ex) can send me into a spiral of obsessive thoughts/behaviours for a while afterwards, funnily enough my episodes usually start with dreams.

As for magical thinking, I think I do still sometimes imagine I am being watched/filmed (even though I know I am not and there is no way I would be) I still imagine I am, if that makes sense?!

Illustrated - "I find I obsess over losing friendships even if I wasnt that bothered in the first place." yes totally get that one, even if I've decided I don't like someone I get really upset at the thought they don't like me ... What are your manic episodes like?

Well my manic episodes have always varied, I think that's possibly down to being on different medications at the time.

I will usually be very impulsive and wont feel in control of my actions. I remember once I went into a shop and I had an overwhelming sense to knock all the shelves over and steal things (to the point that I felt like I was almost powerless to stop myself) I didn't do it but when I'm in that state of mind nothing feels real and I cant seem to think of the consequences.

What I do completely depends on what sort of mood I'm in when manic. When I've been manically happy I've taken a lot of risks by overloading myself with drugs and drink and sleeping about. When I've been upset and angry I've broken up with who I was with and booked a next day ticket to Holland! Most of the time though I will be panicky and frightened and just get lots of hallucinations and panic attacks.

Illustrated - I get impulses to do stuff like that too, sometimes I'll be walking along the street and think 'what would happen if I ran up and grabbed that person and shook them' (would never do that though!) or in a supermarket I think 'what would happen if I dropped this bottle on the floor?' or 'what would happen if I walked out with this trolley full of stuff?'. I can control these impulses but when I was younger I often did crazy things with no thought of the consequences or any feelings remorse. I rememebr when I was 13 chucking a brick through a shop window late at night just to see what would happen ....

I get impulses too which vary depending how I'm feeling, worst being really strong feeling of wanting to smack someone in the face for the sake of it to knocking summat off a shelf in a shop to giving someone a fright. The majority of the the time, I have to do it.

Hi all. Hope you're all okay.

Rough day physically here, and very low. Trying to remind myself it will pass, but another friend is struggling too, so am trying to support her through it.

Struggle with impulsive thoughts a lot, normally violent ones, verbal or physical. Regularly imagine myself hurting people or worse. Have only snapped a handful of times, only once physically (though to this day I don't feel guilty, she had been bullying me horrifically, and deserved the punch!).

sorry to hear you're struggling boobs , hugs to you xx