Borderline Personality Disorder

[frillynat81]

Hi there...

Just thought I'd start a new thread to see if there are any mumsnetters with BPD who'd like to come chat, share how they're feeling, coping techniques, experiences etc.

x

[SantaFlashesHisBoobsALot]

Hi Gracie. This is the diagnostic criteria for BPD, I hope that helps.

[feeno]

Thanks boobs. I was lurking as too ashamed to post. I read the info on the link. It describes me on 7-8 points out of 9

[feeno]

Ashamed of myself and my behaviour

[fluffydressinggown]

I feel like I post all over the shop hope you don't mind me bobbing in here :)

I don't have a BPD diagnosis (my psychologist said I meet five of the nine criteria) but I have elements of it and am going to do DBT so I thought I would post.

I struggle with self harm, although I can go long periods without it (4 years), when I do self harm it is quite intense and takes over everything. I have spend 18 weeks in a psychiatric unit this year due to my mental health problems, particularly how I get when I self harm.

I am pretty tuned out to how I feel, I rarely cry and often am not sure how I feel. Like when I SI I am not sad, or cross, just, normal I guess. Initially it was a huge barrier to getting support in some ways because I look like I am in control and feeling ok, when in reality I can be very upset, I can say I am really upset but my body language doesn't match. So people would be saying "you seem ok" and saying I didn't need support, but now, they know you have to listen to what I say and not look at how I present... I have great support now, a CPN who I see once a week and a psychologist that I see once a week who will be doing my DBT 1:1 with me.

I have been with my husband for seven years and married for four and have a great close circle of friends so relationships wise it doesn't seem to affect me so much. Sometimes I feel bad for my husband though!

I have OCD and depression as well. The OCD can be very frustrating for me and it spills over into my self harm a lot, I am very obsessive and compulsive about it.

[frillynat81]

MaggieMaggieMaggieMcGill...

Hi and welcome. Christmas time is a horrid time when it comes to BPD. I've had a couple of horrendous ones thanks to this illness. I started to feel to feel a bit 'odd' about a week ago, hoping that it doesn't come to anything really.

[frillynat81]

Hi Gracie, welcome to the thread. Hope you don't mind me asking, but I noticed you said that you have been single for ages? Did you choose to avoid relationships due to your MH problems? I too was single for a long time and have only just started dating again. My previous relationships have been a nightmare.

[frillynat81]

Hi feeno, please don't feel ashamed, we are all in the same boat here and we know how you feel xx

Welcome fluffydressinggown, I used to be good at hiding feelings and appearing ok too. I did learn though that it was a bad thing for me because everything would come to a head and I would lose it - it would be too much. How are you finding the DBT?

[GracieLoo]

I have been in relationships when I have been called 'high maintenance', and I do get needy, jealous and insecure. Then since having dd and it not working out with her dad, my confidence and mh took a big dip, and now I'm terrified to date again, can't imagine what it would be like to be with someone. I'm scared of being rejected and I don't think I could handle that.

[violetsrblue]

Sorry to hear about your aunt frillynat, that must be hard..hope the odd feeling is lifting, or changing into something better.
I need to get on with my cbt, I feel a bit like I want to give up on it..just switch off and not feel or think at all.
I've got to the point in my life where I'm living alone and not really working..a lot of time spent alone, have had such a turbulent life emotionally with some godawful Christmasses - at least life's peaceful now, just me and my dog :)

[frillynat81]

Sounds very similar to me GracieLoo. I hate rejection, from anyone. Could be one little word from my mum or a friend to set my mind racing - that is one thing that the medication hasn't stopped. I'd just give yourself time - you'll know yourself when your ready to meet someone. There is no rush is there?

[frillynat81]

violetsrblue - I know what you mean about the god awful Christmasses!!!

You need to plough on with the CBT, don't give up on it and keep thinking that this could be the thing that starts making you feel better.

And...you've gotta love the dog for good company lol

[MaggieMaggieMaggieMcGill]

I am so much better at handling criticism and rejection than I used to be!
I still get the initial horrible sinking feeling but nowadays rather than react to it, I use thinking to acknowledge the feeling and then tell myself to move on.
I wish I had've known how to handle it ten years previously but oh well, I got there in the end!

[GracieLoo]

Hope it's ok to keep posting here, hopefully will pick up any techniques that might help. This morning I'm already stressed to the max. I can't relax, doing everything too fast so of course it goes wrong. Just started crying because couldn't fold a sheet properly, hurt my hand washing up and could have thrown the while lot across the kitchen. Thoughts of SH because it's a way of coping. Can't cope with life!

[SantaFlashesHisBoobsALot]

I have had a series of shit relationships, have been used, and abused, actually, although I have only recently realized the extent to which my relationships have been fucked up. Have huge problems with inter personal relationships, and yet at the same time, I need someone. I get very angry with myself over this.

I now have a DP who is amazing, and understands me possibly more than I do myself. He is not perfect, and we have our issues, but he can deal with my craziness. Have had full psychotic episodes before and he has barely batted an eyelid. Have never had anyone accept me and my illnesses the way he has before. He has been utterly amazing when it comes to therapy, takes me every week, and leaves work for a while after each session so we can have a coffee and talk it all over.

Honestly, I never thought I would be in a secure relationship because of how screwed up I am. Its a lovely feeling. And I met him when I was least expecting it, so don't loose hope!!

Off to the exILS today for Christmas. They're lovely, but sheesh I want to just hide underneath my duvet.

In case I can't get on to MN from my phone - a very merry Christmas to you all, stay safe. xx

[Illustrated]

Sorry to everyone having a hard time of it at the moment.

I feel a bit like I'm stepping into the unknown as its my first Christmas as a mother and I will be going back to my childhood home to spend it with my family. I'm not sure how its going to go as I don't have the best relationship with them and I have some bad memories from when I lived there. I'm just hoping my dd will be a big enough distraction from dwelling on the past.

boobs I know exactly what you mean with 'Have huge problems with inter personal relationships, and yet at the same time, I need someone. I get very angry with myself over this'
I've not been single since I was 13, I've just hopped from one relationship to another and a lot of the time its just so I'm not alone, but I've really struggled in the relationships because I resent the fact that I need them so much without even liking them a huge amount.

If I cant post again while at my parents, I hope you all have a lovely Christmas.

[MaggieMaggieMaggieMcGill]

On the relastionship front, I'm much more likely to go for people who I will choose to keep emotionally distant, then it does not matter when I or they get bored. I still usually have a day or so of manic sulking but then because I have kept my emotions out of it mostly, I move on. Cannot see myself ever having a long term thing again though I guess, inside, I really yearn for it but I gave realised recently that what I am looking for (love and protection) I will really have to learn how to do those things for myself.
Gracie I hope this might help a little but what you are doing when things go wrong, your reactions are castopherising them, if something goes wrong and then you react badly to it, it makes it twice as bad. Learning to take a deep breath and move past it makes it a lit easier to deal with. My life is so much better since I learnt that in DBT!

[frillynat81]

Have any of you had problems with manic behaviour?

[MaggieMaggieMaggieMcGill]

Just a bit Frilly, just a bit, yes...

[Tillysmum44]

Hi there I hope this is ok to join in as I have a sister with BpD and it has had a major effect on me as I suffer anxiety and depression but don't have BPD? I really struggle to understand her,she lives over 200 miles away and never ever gets in touch. Our mum died two years ago and she was badly effected by my sisters illness too. She lived opposite my sister but my sister didn't go over to mums house for three years leaving mum feeling very very neglected. Now my mum has died my sister doesn't seem to recognise what she did. I have read about the illness and am I right to think this is fairly normal behaviour ignoring people in your family? I do try and keep in touch but its so hard to keep being rejected.

[Illustrated]

Hi Tillysmum its good that you are interested in finding out more about your sisters BPD.

I cant speak for everyone but I certainly find my family relationships extremely difficult. Some of the reasons I think its so difficult (ignoring the way they used to treat me at a young age) is the way that they will not accept or talk about my mental health, its a complete taboo. I also find that I am incredibly sensitive to certain comments and behaviors towards me, I cant just shrug things off. In general I feel better on my own, I'm a massive introvert and I feel that I'm the black sheep of the family.

Were you all close growing up? Could your sister feel as if she never did quite fit in or had a very different personality to the rest of the family? I live nearby my family but find seeing them exhausting. Its not really personal as I find all social situations pretty exhausting. I have a younger sister and she was brought up very differently to me, she has no idea how I feel about my parents and was too young to realize how they used to treat me. She doesn't seem to understand why I'm not close but we've never had a chance to talk about it as I don't want to be the one bringing it up.

Have you spoken to your sister about it in a non confrontational way?

I hope you have all had a good Christmas, mine was difficult but I will talk about it another time as I cant quite get my head around it all.

[Tillysmum44]

Thank you for replying. On the subject of talking to her about it,it's been a non starter,she is so different to me even though we both have mental health problems. I thought we might get closer once my mum had died but it hasn't happened. She explodes if you try to talk about subjects she doesn't want to talk about. I've retreated and am trying to accept she just doesn't want a relationship with me. I have to admit after all that has happened I don't want one with her either. But I do want to understand more about what has happened as its so upsetting.

[SantaFlashesHisBoobsALot]

Hi all. Hope you survived Christmas okay.

Welcome Tillys, do hope maybe we can give you some insight. Caring about your sister even when she is in the middle of an emotional storm is so important, you sound like a wonderful sister.

Rant:

All I am thinking about right now is suicide. Constantly. I am always thinking about it. Today I was in London, and as the tube came into the station, I had to physically hold on to the wall so I didn't throw myself in front of the train. It is driving me even more crazy than normal. :(

[Illustrated]

Oh dear. Have you got anyone to talk to about it over the holidays? It sounds like you really need some support. I'm about if you need to talk to someone that understands, you can message me if you want.

[SirBoobAlot]

Thanks, appreciate it. I just need to get a grip really, getting so frustrated with myself! Might call my CPN on Monday as have just found out I have two hospital appointments this week and am really anxious about them.

[SirBoobAlot]

Do any of you know Les Miserables? These lyrics just keep on going around in my head...

"I am reaching - but I fall.
And the stars are black and cold.
As I stare into the void
Of a world that cannot hold.

I'll escape now from that world.
From that world of Jean Valjean.
There is nowhere I can turn.
There is no way to go on.

Javert throws himself off the bridge, and into the river at the end of the song.