How do others manage elderly parents who rarely check their mobiles?

[Thisisthemodernworld]

My first thread on this forum, I suspect there will be more in time!

My DPs are early/mid 80s and still pretty independent. They still take several holidays a year and are away at the moment. I'm keeping an eye on their house and a small maintenance issue arose which I thought I'd get sorted before they return. I couldn't remember the name of the usual chap they use so messaged DMs mobile.

It has taken 3 days for her to respond to the several texts I've sent her. It's a bit of a standing joke with me and my DB that it'd be quicker to travel to speak to them in person rather than wait for a reply to a text but it's starting to really wind me up. They both seem to regard a mobile phone as something that they only take out if they actually need to make a call, rather than seeing it for what it increasingly is ie a tool to manage many elements of your life. I actually think DM views it as a sort of handbag size version of her landline and she only bothers to look at it if she needs to call someone. The concept of checking it even a couple of times a day is completely alien to them.

I know it's positive that they aren't doom scrolling conspiracy theories every hour of the day but the need to keep in touch is only going to increase in the next few years. They aren't technologically illiterate but I'm really cross that they are in a foreign country and think it's fine just to cut themselves off. What if there had been a family emergency?

The irony is that I am of course expected to let them know when I have arrived at a holiday destination!

Well you can’t do anything so pointless to know. Enjoy your holiday I’d say especially if you are coming back to no house!

I’d enjoy this period whilst it lasts. My DM ignored her mobile for days on end when she didn’t need me, for years. That tide will
suddenly turn when their health fails, and you will eventually get complex PTSD every time they call and text you from their mobiles. Which will be hundreds of times. You will learn to associate contact from their mobile with impending doom and disaster. Honestly, enjoy this whilst it lasts.

And if they never switch their phone on, unless they want to make a call, and then switch it off again straight afterwards...?

The Op didn't mention if they put them on/off or not? And if it is off did it really matter the job the op was talking about didn't appear urgent, but the op was just irritated her mum didn't reply immediately from her holiday.

My mum always sends me her travel details and the name of the hotel for emergencies. I’d ask them to do that so you have peace of mind but only bother them in an actual emergency obviously !

Fair enough if people would rather turn on the TV and see their own house burning down, rather than be alerted personally the instant it had started. Unless they're the kind of MNers who think it disgraceful to ever watch TV, of course!

I know that, once fire takes hold, it often doesn't take long to destroy everything; but if told immediately, it might be possible to ask a neighbour to grab something precious for you. Maybe I'm unusual, but holiday or not, I really wouldn't want to get home late in the evening after a lovely week away and discover a razed plot of land where my house used to be.

Yes, it's very unlikely to happen; but as we've seen recently especially, sometimes it DOES happen. Millions of people buy lottery tickets every single week, even though the odds of any one person winning the jackpot are as good as negligible; but the odds of SOMEBODY winning remain reasonably high.

Again, as I said before, it's not all or nothing - it's perfectly possible to have a phone as a tool and check it periodically without sitting on it permanently.

OP's actual words were "but they wouldn’t bloody answer because the phone will either be on silent or switched off completely."

So either way, if it's just left in a bag and never looked at (and obviously can't be heard either) it's a useless lump that's no use to anybody.

Really? You'd rather come back at night to no house, rather than know in advance to be able to make emergency plans for alternative accommodation?!

Again, it's personal preference; but I'd rather an elderly loved one contact me too much and have to be 'encouraged' about when to call, if possible, than that they could never contact me at all.

It's not even just for emergencies; often older people get lonely or just want the reassurance of hearing a loved one's voice or knowing that they're there. It's easy to forget the vulnerability and growing dependence on others that can come with age.

I appreciate that not everybody will have been privileged enough to have a good, mutually-loving relationship with their parents and other elderly family members; but considering that they happily put up with all of our nonsense and constantly demanding their attention (usually for pointless reasons) when we were little, I don't actually mind being there for them at this stage at all.

I understand that. I’ve been a sole carer for a parent for ten years, with zero help, and it’s broken my marriage, my life, my kids life and my own health. There are many people like me who have been traumatised by years of calls relating to trauma. I understand that your situation is different.

My parents wouldn’t have a clue how to attach to wifi or turn on data on their mobile phones. They only ever use them in the house connected to their home wifi. If the wifi changes for some reason, they don’t know how to reconnect. They can only make audio WhatsApp calls (because it has a phone symbol) and get confused if I try to suggest they do a video call. My dad was an electrical engineer, so you’d think he’d be able to, but no. They wouldn’t dream of making an actual call on the phone. They only use their landline. They would never take the phone out of the house, so it’s not going on a holiday with them.

Why dont you get your parents to write their "useful" phone contacts in a telephone book, like people used in the past.
Then you can copy the numbers into your phone.

BTW

How landlines work is being changed, due to old technology

All landlines will work via the internet

This will affect customers who have care/fall alarms & no internet.

Customers should speak to their landline provider, they will advise what needs to be changed.

Do you have a parent with dementia? I am starting to get the random, confused phone calls from my elderly DM. Usually wondering where my dad is (died years ago) or demanding why I haven’t been to see her to do the shopping (even though we had been shopping the day before and her fridge is full). Used to get similar phone calls from my dad but that was about his computer breaking (couldn’t remember his password).

You don’t need to ‘keep an eye on their house‘ for ‘small maintenance issues’ - just let them deal with it when they get home.

You'd send your neighbour into your burning house? Do you not think that might be a wee bit dangerous? Or that they might be slightly pre-occupied at the time? " Come on Susan, never mind your kids, go look in the fake cabbage in my fridge for my jewellery would you? And grab the nice picture on my dresser of our wedding, whilst youre at it" Bonkers

Exactly. It’s insulting that to call it ‘personal preference’ Elderly care once health fails is no joke. Especially when cognitive decline hits. And that hits at some point there it is a journey to dementia or not. Then the relentless calls start and it is really really traumatising. No one I know who has experienced this would say they ‘prefer’ this.

My parents are like this, well my mum, as my dad doesn’t bother with the phone.

I don’t try and manage them. As far as I’m concerned they are adults and if there is an emergency there’ll be a way to get hold of them.

I'm like this and I'm likely closer to your age.

If you're keeping an eye on my house - that means if it burns down, call the fire brigade. It doesn't mean start interfering in things that you think 'need doing'. I'll deal with that thanks.

I detest phones and the attitude that I should be at the beck and call of someone who thinks every little thing is important and that I should know about it - I don't want to know thanks.

Yes, I'm a churlish antisocial whatsit and I'll probably end up Bridget Jones style dying alone, eaten by dogs (don't have dogs though - might need to get some).

That's okay with me.

Don't presume that your parents need to be 'managed', that is very patronising and you're clear they are independent.

Having house maintenance done probably not qualify as an emergency that people need to be alerted to on holiday, being burgled or your house burning down....I probably would want yo know ....but what if something happened to someone in your family....?
I would hope to be contacted straight away. If I was out for the day and returned to a hotel in yhe evening, I might have missed several hours where I could have made plans, to see them, or speak to them depending on situation.

DH is quite ambivalent about his mobile - doesnt have it charged/it was on silent/he didnt hear etc...and thinks i use mine too much (I do)
...but relies on me to know flight details/check in instructions for air bnb/directions to get there/what time a place opens etc etc...all without the inconvenience of keeping his own phone charged or using it!

The whole point of a holiday is being uncontactable for a while. I love finding out WiFi and mobile signal is non existent where I'm staying.

I'll have told people where I'm staying for a genuine emergency, but aside from someone very close being very ill, what are they?

Oh can you imagine, Dave can you just run in and grab <thing> for me thanks love !

Have you actually asked them to -for eg - just check their phones at an agreed time,once a day? Explain why it would help you while they're away. If they don't want to,that's their decision, but do have the conversation.

A contact number for where they're staying,for emergencies only, is sensible for anyone of any age.

Yes we had this with my parents and the in laws. I made sure that we knew the address and landline number of the hotel where they were staying, just in case of such a scenario as OP describes. They’re not likely to be wild camping at their age….