How do others manage elderly parents who rarely check their mobiles?

[Thisisthemodernworld]

My first thread on this forum, I suspect there will be more in time!

My DPs are early/mid 80s and still pretty independent. They still take several holidays a year and are away at the moment. I'm keeping an eye on their house and a small maintenance issue arose which I thought I'd get sorted before they return. I couldn't remember the name of the usual chap they use so messaged DMs mobile.

It has taken 3 days for her to respond to the several texts I've sent her. It's a bit of a standing joke with me and my DB that it'd be quicker to travel to speak to them in person rather than wait for a reply to a text but it's starting to really wind me up. They both seem to regard a mobile phone as something that they only take out if they actually need to make a call, rather than seeing it for what it increasingly is ie a tool to manage many elements of your life. I actually think DM views it as a sort of handbag size version of her landline and she only bothers to look at it if she needs to call someone. The concept of checking it even a couple of times a day is completely alien to them.

I know it's positive that they aren't doom scrolling conspiracy theories every hour of the day but the need to keep in touch is only going to increase in the next few years. They aren't technologically illiterate but I'm really cross that they are in a foreign country and think it's fine just to cut themselves off. What if there had been a family emergency?

The irony is that I am of course expected to let them know when I have arrived at a holiday destination!

My mum is like this. Drives me mad! If I want to speak to her I phone my dad!

On re-reading, it doesn't sound urgent:
I'm keeping an eye on their house and a small maintenance issue arose which I thought I'd get sorted before they return. I couldn't remember the name of the usual chap they use so messaged DMs mobile.

I actually meant if one of them died
As in one of the adult kids dies and can’t contact their parent that would be fucking awful

or even if I was seriously ill and couldn’t get hold of my parents, I would be heartbroken

I think you just have to let them be, and if you are willing to keep an eye on their house when they are away etc. get a list of the important numbers and keep it pinned to the wall, in your house and theirs and on your phone. See if they will agree to check their phones once a day for important messages when away. (Good luck with that!). When they are at home I honestly wouldn't bother, just try the landline.

When you think about it, that's how things were done for years. I'm getting a bit fed up of being constantly messaged and the sender expects an instant reply, well most senders do! Oh and I do send messages myself, but unless it's very important I'm not bothered how long it takes to respond.

Life would be a lot easier if we weren't instantly contactable every minute!

I don't know that people should have to build their lives around the fear that something very unlikely happens.

But that just makes me think about the other recent thread about whether teenagers having phones could possibly be useful - with people tangling themselves in knots to try to find 'simple' convoluted and sometimes unlikely workarounds.

You could send them a telegram, or a carrier pigeon, or send them a letter in the post, or take out an advert in the local paper there... but it's 2026, and the standard form of simple communication between family members who are distant from each other is to phone them - on a mobile phone, if they are not at their home.

What on earth is the point in scrabbling around to look for an old-fashioned, much slower, much less reliable, less practical way of doing something when a very simple, much better solution already exists as standard?

Do you include paying for any insurances in your budget? Why bother, as you're very unlikely to ever need them...

You have to look at the cost/benefit ratio. The benefit is you can contact them and they can contact you whenever you want or need to - with the caveat that either of you can put your phone on silent at times which would be particularly inconvenient for you; or just ignore it until later - whether to tell the other person about a death, a serious illness, an emergency, something interesting or trivial or just to stay in touch and tell them that you love them. The cost is... that you have to just put your phone on charge overnight/every couple of days as part of your evening routine and remember to pop it in your bag or pocket when you go out... so very little indeed, really.

Mobile phones are only 'better' if the advantages outweigh the disadvantages.

For my parents (90s):
. Never learned to use them when younger so find them unintuitive and stressful
. Forget to charge them, and it is a pain as their old house doesn't have good sockets
. Have a landline which is the number everyone uses
. Find them hard to hear on anyway, and fiddly to text on

So disadvantages outweighed advantages until one went into hospital. At which point mum found it helpful. Dad can just about answer his, but now takes one when out for a walk etc as he can always ask someone to help him if needed.

NHS etc have my mobile number.

I'm not clear about the problem here. "Keeping an eye on the property" usually only involves looking out for burst pipes and break ins doesn't it? One would require and emergency plumber and the other the police. Minor issues can be left for the home owner to deal with on their return. Let them enjoy their holiday in peace.

The only people that phone us on our landline are our parents (and cold callers). My elderly DM (in her 90s) has never embraced mobiles/internet. With mild dementia that is never going to happen. My DF did. Only had a basic mobile (he died a few years ago). But as he cognitively declined he got more and more confused with technology, ordering all sorts off the internet until he couldn’t remember passwords. So be careful what you wish for

Not everyone wants to be contactable 24/7. We tried a basic mobile with DM after DF died so could be contactable whilst out on her own. Stayed in her bag turned off. She just didn’t get what it was about (and her mind wasn’t too bad then) She was happy with just her landline

How did we all cope when we weren’t contactable 24/7? But for a large part of your parents’ lives that’s just what it was like

I get the frustration. DMIL was like this. Looking back it was not long before the symptoms of Vascular Dementia became more noticeable.

If it was an emergency I’m assuming you could call the Hotel and ask them to get your DPs to call you?

It does also sound like you need the numbers of the tradesmen they trust in your phone.

Yes us oldies do figure it out. We quite like radio silence and ability to escape. We don’t get anyone to look at our house when we are away. DDs are miles away. We get things fixed before we go. Tell them to do this and then you won’t need to contact them. Or go round there.

How did we all cope when we weren’t contactable 24/7? But for a large part of your parents’ lives that’s just what it was like

Of course we all coped; but most people are happy to embrace it when a better things comes along. I wonder how many of the people who were born before 1948 stubbornly soldiered on and ignored the advent of the NHS, reckoning that 'we coped before free healthcare was available'?

You don't have to go to extremes and either be contactable 24/7 OR never be available at all when you're away from home. Phones have off buttons, volume controls, do-not-disturb settings, voicemail and the ability to block all numbers except for a specified few.

What did we do before emergency alert pendants and bracelets were available? Elderly people who had a serious fall could 'just' lie there on the floor in pain for several days until they died alone... but using basic tech to have a simple way of calling for help isn't at all better than that, surely?!

Whilst it obviously has loads of other applications and uses as well, a mobile phone can be seen essentially as an emergency alert pendant that can work wherever you are. Which vulnerable, elderly person wouldn't want that facility available? You may never need to use your pendant; but it's there if you DO need it.

I'll bet, if you told them that you'd somehow disabled the facility to call 999 on their landline, they'd be distraught and very upset - even though the vast majority of us only need it a handful of times in our lives at most. By contrast, most of us DO need/want to stay in touch with, and occasionally ask for help from, our loved ones on a much more regular basis.

And what if your house was burgled, or flooded out, or burned down whilst you were away on holiday? Would you just want to get home and discover it ransacked, ruined or completely gone?

It's not just people actively going in and checking for mundane snags that can easily wait and be dealt with easily when you return... without a mobile, how can family/friends/neighbours/the police get in touch with you to let you know about devastating emergencies that are clear as day to anybody living/passing nearby? How would you feel if you'd been one of those poor people in Stourbridge in August, away on holiday..., and the first that you knew about your house burning down was when you turned on the TV news and saw it on fire?

There's no point texting my parents. You have to phone. Which is fair enough IMO.

This, why didn't you phone them ? Some people don't check their phones on holiday i don't think it is a huge deal really if it was as important as you said it was then phone them.

My parents don't have mobiles I get the frustration sometimes but they have a landline and emergency contacts on them when they go out if anything happens, they say they don't want mobiles which i think is fair.

My parents were exactly like this, their mobile was for when they needed to call someone and then switched off to "save battery" (my mum died 15 years ago - she was in her early 60s - and her first phone was a Nokia 3310, I think the battery would have lasted weeks, whether she'd turned it off or not!) Sometimes she'd send me a text, id reply and the next time we spoke she'd say "I sent you a message", id said "yes I responded " ...but turns out she'd turned off the phone before my reply (within minutes!) had arrived!
Tbf my DH is pretty awful and answering the phone, hes better with whatsapps. Whenever I put his number on a form as an emergency contact, I wonder why im bothering. I had a problem with my phone when DS was on a school trip abroad. I asked DH to actually make sure his phone was charged and not on silent. He seemed quite bemused why I would worry about that!

Well if you are in a hotel or holiday home I am assuming someone in your circle knows where you are but honestly people would just have to wait until they got home, and if they are upset and devastated, then that is on them for not having a point of contact.

My adult DC have instructions not to bother me with anything like that until I get home. How will spoiling my holiday change anything?

If you're worried about being contactable in an emergency surely you let people know where you are. Mobiles often aren't the answer anyway.

This. If they don’t want to use their phones then that’s fine. But l also wouldnt be chasing them around. If they didn’t reply about the handyman then nothing will be done in the mean time 🤷‍♀️

Well honestly how would finding out your house was destroyed in the middle of your holiday help? Would it be any less devastating?Beside which, you're describing quite rare events. If you need to be in constant* *touch with everyone all the time, fine. Other people feel differently, also fine.

We are an over 80 couple who always carry our phones. DH rarely goes out now, but I take mine everywhere in case I’m needed or have to contact someone. I have apps on it for discounts like Nectar, although I haven’t progressed to making payments with it - yet! I also use it to check bus times etc. We still have a landline, it’s used very infrequently.

My friends, similar age, use their mobiles as satnavs; to buy and sell on vinted; to read the news; play sudoku etc. We’re not all the same just cos we’re of a certain age.

Would they consider wearing a fitbit?My basic one displays phone messages and I can read them. Probably not a realistic option but might be worth considering for holidays.

Indeed. We managed to keep an eye on houses before phones. If you can’t get in touch then it waits til they get back.