How do others manage elderly parents who rarely check their mobiles?

[Thisisthemodernworld]

My first thread on this forum, I suspect there will be more in time!

My DPs are early/mid 80s and still pretty independent. They still take several holidays a year and are away at the moment. I'm keeping an eye on their house and a small maintenance issue arose which I thought I'd get sorted before they return. I couldn't remember the name of the usual chap they use so messaged DMs mobile.

It has taken 3 days for her to respond to the several texts I've sent her. It's a bit of a standing joke with me and my DB that it'd be quicker to travel to speak to them in person rather than wait for a reply to a text but it's starting to really wind me up. They both seem to regard a mobile phone as something that they only take out if they actually need to make a call, rather than seeing it for what it increasingly is ie a tool to manage many elements of your life. I actually think DM views it as a sort of handbag size version of her landline and she only bothers to look at it if she needs to call someone. The concept of checking it even a couple of times a day is completely alien to them.

I know it's positive that they aren't doom scrolling conspiracy theories every hour of the day but the need to keep in touch is only going to increase in the next few years. They aren't technologically illiterate but I'm really cross that they are in a foreign country and think it's fine just to cut themselves off. What if there had been a family emergency?

The irony is that I am of course expected to let them know when I have arrived at a holiday destination!

Apologies for any offence caused, but my comment was in response to what I initially read as referring to needy and fussy parents, rather than those with dementia and serious cognitive issues.

We'd already had numerous grumbles about parents being stubborn and causing irritations with their refusal to embrace tech in this thread; I didn't realise that this had taken a turn towards the challenges of actually caring for and having great concerns about their actual needs and health decline, rather than just being cantankerous and obstinate.

OK, maybe I exaggerated somewhat; but say if it were a pet or something: most cat owners would be greatly relieved for a neighbour to be able to say "Yes, Tiddles was in the garden when the fire broke out, and I'm now looking after her", rather than getting back to a plot of smouldering stubble and not having a clue whether your pet was burnt alive or is safe.

If their house is attached to yours, they may well not be very happy for you to remain blissfully unaware on holiday - especially if the fire began in your house, maybe owing to a faulty boiler or appliance, before spreading to theirs.

Does this only apply to people in their 80s, mid 60s but I don’t carry my mobile everywhere and certainly don’t check constantly for messages. I’ve told my kids and DW for that matter, that if you want me for something, try ringing rather than a message, I might actually respond to that, providing I hear it of course. Interestingly, what may seem urgent to some, often isn’t to others, notably the recepients

You can't force them to use a phone for messages, or to check it regularly, so just call them, it's not difficult.

You are creating a problem where there isn't one

I think it’s a shame that people poo poo the usefulness of a mobile phone as a way of keeping in touch. They are a very useful tool. Ok, we managed without them before but that doesn’t mean that they don’t enhance our lives in any way. We are now able to call for help or answer a call for help immediately, without scrabbling around to find a phone box. A text can be answered when convenient so if you don’t perceive it to be urgent, you can deal with it later.

We have finally managed to get my DH’s elderly parents to keep their phones on and this has been invaluable when MiL has got lost a few times (probable dementia) and when one of them had a fall

God this is my parents, but the difference is mine are only mid-60s!

Both have iPhones (my old ones) and know how to use whatsapp, phone, text but not necessarily use other apps. They got rid of their landline a couple of years ago and its impossible to get hold of them now. They keep their phones in a cupboard on charge, so they don't hear if it rings. Dad basically never takes it out with him. Mum does take it with her (in case she breaks down on the way to work) but rarely answers it, or looks at it - she will look at it when she wants to contact someone, but otherwise ignores any noises it makes and assumes it must be someone else's phone constantly ringing!

Very lucky that parents help with childcare, but their inability to answer text/calls causes issues! Sometimes I need to quickly let them know DC are somewhere else/have a playdate afterschool etc. and just cannot get hold of them!

Grandmother is still alive and frail (90s) and has called parents when she's had a fall etc. or needs urgent help, only to have it ring out and parents not answer! Ambulance called instead! Thought it'd be a bit of a wake up call for my parents, but nope!

Bizarre! I am early 60s and all my friends on their 60s and 70s have phones, social media, use WhatsApp and AI.

Thank you for all your comments on this thread and apologies for not coming back to it sooner (a bit ironic considering the issue I posted about!).

This has made me think about things a lot. Several posters have talked about being contacted on holidays etc and how they like to be 'off grid' etc. That's not really the nub of the issue, as I said they are like this with phones most of the time, even when at home.

What it has made me think about is how I as a parent differ in my attitude to my adult DC compared with my parents' attitude to me. I'm late 50's, adult DC are late 20's. I would never, ever, purposely create a situation where they were in difficulty and could not easily contact me. The idea of one of them being injured and having to go to the added hassle of contacting holiday companies etc just because they couldn't rely on me checking my phone several times a day is just beyond my comprehension.

I guess this arises from they way things were before mobiles. I went off backpacking for 6 months as a late teen and communication home was minimal. When my own DC travelled they were in regular contact and I saw what they were up to via Instagram etc. It means that those parents now in their 80s were always used to little contact, whereas today many of us parents are used to regular updates.

Having said all that, I don't entirely agree with the argument that this is all down to them not growing up with smartphones. They didn't grow up with the internet either but that doesn't stop their regular Amazon deliveries.