How do others manage elderly parents who rarely check their mobiles?

[Thisisthemodernworld]

My first thread on this forum, I suspect there will be more in time!

My DPs are early/mid 80s and still pretty independent. They still take several holidays a year and are away at the moment. I'm keeping an eye on their house and a small maintenance issue arose which I thought I'd get sorted before they return. I couldn't remember the name of the usual chap they use so messaged DMs mobile.

It has taken 3 days for her to respond to the several texts I've sent her. It's a bit of a standing joke with me and my DB that it'd be quicker to travel to speak to them in person rather than wait for a reply to a text but it's starting to really wind me up. They both seem to regard a mobile phone as something that they only take out if they actually need to make a call, rather than seeing it for what it increasingly is ie a tool to manage many elements of your life. I actually think DM views it as a sort of handbag size version of her landline and she only bothers to look at it if she needs to call someone. The concept of checking it even a couple of times a day is completely alien to them.

I know it's positive that they aren't doom scrolling conspiracy theories every hour of the day but the need to keep in touch is only going to increase in the next few years. They aren't technologically illiterate but I'm really cross that they are in a foreign country and think it's fine just to cut themselves off. What if there had been a family emergency?

The irony is that I am of course expected to let them know when I have arrived at a holiday destination!

They aren't stupid, they just can't be arsed. So tell them that there's no point in you keeping an eye on the house if they aren't available for any updates/issues and you'll save your time next time.

Just phone them?

That’s exactly where I’m at this evening!

@TeenToTwenties but they wouldn’t bloody answer because the phone will either be on silent or switched off completely. Waiting to be brought into action in an emergency presumably 🙄

If it's an actual emergency, you call, otherwise it waits for them to return if they don't read their texts.

My DPs were like this when they still did holidays. But they did phone us daily when away.

This holiday issue is just the latest issue, they’re no better at home. However they do still have their landline there obviously.

My mum uses her phone like a regular person however she struggles to use apps to help navigate things more easily. My dad is like your parents, I can text him and days will go by!

Awww this could me and my folks. 86 and 83 and do really well, but this last year or so phones, mob and landline or lack of them is becoming very annoying! They have it on silent or off, and often can’t find it. But the latest bonkers choice they’ve made that I’ve discovered, is the they cant phone out on their landline. Apparently the phone installer chap ( detailed description of how he spoke, dressed , manners etc) asked do they use it much? “No not really , people phone us” “ We have mobiles “
So It’s cheaper just to have incoming calls, ((they can well afford anything needed) Why would someone recommend that to an elderly couple?
I asked them so if something happens and u can’t find the mobiles you cant phone out to anyone (only999calls)
They didn’t see it as a big deal , just me taking over , talking nonsense 🤦🏻‍♀️
Have stressed to get it sorted asap but ……..

The idea that you have to be available 24*7 is rather a modern idea and I am not sure it’s helpful

It's always difficult when people regard mobiles as only for them to actively use, and don't stop to think about people who might need to get in touch with them. It doesn't help with all the scummy parasite scammers who seem to make most of the calls that many of us receive these days.

It's definitely a mindset - and a vicious circle, because people don't call or text them as they know they won't have their phone turned on and/or get the message; so from their point of view, they rarely get a call or a message, so why on earth would they need to ensure that it's always turned on, at hand and frequently checked?!

It might be slightly devious, but is there something that you know they really like and would want to know/have, that you could call or message them about quite regularly (not bombarding them, of course)? Special offers, events, useful local information, specific kinds of news, weather - the kind of thing that they might be disappointed to have missed out on, and realise that they never needed to miss thanks to their wonderful phones?!

I think that might be the only way to make them change their mindset to viewing their phones as positive, useful things that can keep them connected, enhance their everyday lives and bring them interesting info - especially that other people/sources bring to them, and maybe with a time-limited validity; rather than just as emergency communication devices that they keep switched off and then, only IF they feel they need to make a call urgently, they have to look for, switch on and then realise that the battery has died anyway.

If they can at least get into the habit of making sure that they're left on, kept charged and carried with them, they can use them as much or as little as they want/need; BUT crucially get it fixed in their minds that they need to be able to receive calls and messages as well as just make/send them.

Make sure that they have all the contacts of family and friends that they might need and, ideally, help them to set a different ringtone(s) (for standard calls/WhatsApp/message notifications etc.) for them instead of their default/normal one - that way, even if they do end up getting bothered by unknown numbers that they choose to ignore (as indeed do many of us who are very tech savvy), they can know that, every time their phones start playing their favourite song or a burst of a familiar special sound, it means that it's a loved one whom they (presumably) DO want to speak to or otherwise hear from.

You are being very unfair. Older people didn't grow up with phones in their pockets. If they had a phone at all and most people didn't then it was in the hall. A phone for them is something that is there for your convenience not the person calling. You don't have to like that, but you do need to respect that their attitude is different to yours. Have some respect and understanding.

It took me a while to get my parents into using WhatsApp - the family group chat seemed to do the job.

Can’t help feeling that if they wanted to hear from you when they were away, they’d figure this out. Might you be pushing a bit too hard to ‘manage’ them? Some of my 30 and 40 something colleagues also resist having mobiles on all the time and frequently checking.

I think all you can do is ask what they expect of you ‘keeping an eye’ on the house, since they aren’t contactable. Maybe they would be happier with a monitored security system? Dp’s mum has Verisure which yes is expensive but for her it’s worth it.

Tbh maybe because I come from a pre-smartphone era, and despite being surgically attached to mine, I don’t see why you should take on lots of stress about this. Just accept they’re not easily contactable and make decisions accordingly. If they don’t like the outcome, shrug your shoulders and say presumably they trust you, it’s not compulsory to leave you in charge, but if they do, they have to accept that you will take action.

Set up an Alexa where you can "drop in" or "call their device".

It can be a mixed blessing, but I don't think it really helps most people to not be available at all at least periodically. You can always let calls go to voicemail and/or respond a bit later at a time that suits you. Even if you leave it on silent and check it at regular times, a few times a day, that's a start.

Most people in this demographic will have been used to having a landline at home - one which they have plugged in available to make and receive calls at any time. Ironically, if you told them that you'd reprogrammed it so that their home phone would only be active for a few limited periods a day, they'd very likely find that upsetting and irritating and come up with lots of excuses - "But what if X needs to get in touch?!" Indeed, many more vulnerable elderly people will wear emergency alarm pendants - and they don't leave them switched off and in a drawer all day... because they understand the benefits of the connectivity.

With mobiles, I don't think it's usually the permanent/regular connectivity itself that's the issue; it's just the devices themselves that just don't come instinctively to them as an integral a part of their everyday lives.

But people of a certain generation never grew up with TV being a standard thing in all households, or indeed landline phones; yet the majority of them have taken these as essential and would hate to have to do without them now.

Surely it's not hard to reconcile that phones - whether the latest flagship smartphone or a basic old landline that's tied to the wall - are two-way devices, and that you need both the caller and the call recipient to be able to speak; otherwise there's no point to it whatsoever. Fair enough if they only ever call the GP, the council, utilities, companies, shops etc... but if they ever want to call a friend or family member and that person takes the same attitude as they do - that they leave their phone switched off until they themselves want to make a call, and leave it for weeks before they remove it from the drawer - then nobody is ever going to be able to get in touch, are they?

There comes a point at which unfamiliarity just becomes rudeness and obstinacy in not even trying to learn to get on board with standard communications. It's the stubborn people themselves who invariably suffer from people not being able to contact them, rather than the other way around; so it's not like it's some big altruistic favour that they're being asked to do, with nothing in it for them.

When I’m on holiday I often put it in airplane mode and check every day or two when I have WiFi, I like the break

At least they have a mobile. A lot of 80+ don’t.

This is it

And they want you to handle whatever happens

The thing about the emergency would upset me though do you have a number to contact them?

Mine only turns her mobile on if she’s expecting a call. She can’t understand why she’d want it always on. Although she hates it that she can’t get through to my phone when I’m at work because I’m meant to be instantly available to her!

It’s like the boy who cried wolf. I’ve given up trying to chase her up/track her down if she doesn’t respond for a few days. It’s always that she hasn’t turned the phone on. One day it’ll be because she’s fallen and can’t get to the phone
but this has been going on for years and she hasn’t learnt.

Was it genuinely urgent and couldn't be left until they return?

In your shoes I'd clarify where the boundary lies around what you can do in their absence and accept they are uncontactable when on holiday.

In a genuine emergency you ring the accommodation or if related to serious illness or deaths, the local police.
Most things are not actually emergencies.

They're on holiday - why do you need to contact them? I can pretty much guarantee that there won't be any kind of "emergency", and the whole point of a holiday is to get away from everything!