Ideas for solutions to help much appreciated. (Elderly DM and neighbour with dementia).

[MerrilyMoving]

My DM lives alone, since my DF died 18 months ago.

She is 85, fit, active and generally really well.

I live an hour away.

During the last 6 months her elderly, male, married neighbour has started to cross from his garden to hers, has followed her to her door and has started to come and knock on the side door. The knocking can last 15-20 minutes if she doesn’t answer.
He has dementia and is non-verbal.

He lives with his wife who is frequently out of the home. He has adult children who visit. He wanders out of his home more when other adults are there but sometimes when he is at home he is alone.

DM is scared of him. She has tried to talk to his wife who blames my DM. ‘He doesn’t do this to anyone else’.
Suggestions by his wife, to resolve this have been that DM should stay indoors, shouldn’t water her garden and should buy a padlock for her gate.
His adult children have warned my DM not to upset their mum by talking about this to her.

DM has asked the police for advice about this man coming to the house. They didn’t have a solution, just checked he hadn’t touched her, hurt her or vandalised anything. If he does she needs to call 999.

My MiL had dementia too, so I understand the sadness his family will be going through, their denial, concern and care for him. However his wife and adult children shouting at my DM and blaming her is unacceptable.

I’m hoping wise people that you may have some solutions or ideas. I am thinking of a call to adult social care at the council, under safeguarding?

ETA we are installing a camera at DM’s tomorrow.

I think I’d raise this as a safeguarding concern with the local authority

OP, your DM should not have to be a prisoner in her own home in order to avoid being pestered by this neighbour. Yes, it’s very sad that he has dementia, but that doesn’t give him the right to be a nuisance to others in the road. Is he actually safe to be left home alone? It doesn’t sound so. I would be approaching SS or the Council and raising the issue of his welfare, as well as the upset to your DM. It’s not at all OK for an 85 year old woman to be terrorised by a man with mental health issues, no matter how difficult that may be for his family. Someone needs to take responsibility - perhaps you need to suggest to neighbour’s grown up children that rather than upsetting your DM who has done absolutely nothing wrong, it’s time they started to think about some sort of care or nursing home for their DF.

It probably wouldn't be helpful but I would go round when the children are there and give them all a rollicking for not looking after their DF properly and shouting at an elderly lady for being frightened. How DARE they! I would be raging tbh OP. Give them a taste of their own medicine.

Yes, I agree and that is how she feels too.

I am trying to work through this quite professionally - part of my role includes safeguarding children, so applying the same rational.
I’m also trying to be understanding of their needs, but also agree that they are not keeping their father safe.

My DM is worried about the repercussions of her or me contacting adult social care. I can make the contact, I can stand my ground if I talk to SS or to the family. I can drive away too. She has to live there alone and this has already escalated to being scared of the male neighbour, to being scared of his family too.

Yes, I would do this too. Obviously they are trying to protect their DM but that can’t be at the expense of yours. I’m not a shouter, I’d go in calm but firm, but I wouldn’t let them get away with it.

I’d seriously think about notifying Adult Social Care, you might be doing them a favour.

Raise a safeguarding concern with Adult Social Services. You may not get very far with them, but it's worth raising.

And help your mother to do whatever she can to protect herself, a camera is a good idea but if he can be physically prevented from getting to the house, even better (by padlocking the gate, or putting up a fence). Obviously she can't lock the gate all the time as others need to come and go but it would be worth having the option.

People with dementia get fixated on things and he isn't going to be talked out of it, and clearly the family are not going to keep him indoors. So she needs to do what she can to protect herself.

Obviously if this escalates and he does try to touch her or force his way into the house, she must contact the police again.

Horrible situation all round.

I don’t know any of them either. He does need more supervision, it isn’t far to a busy road, though he hasn’t wandered further. Just to my DM!

Would adult social care be interested in safeguarding my DM or will it be about the neighbour? Does he already need adult social care involvement? Though I know from my role that a ‘picture’ is built.

I was thinking a non confrontational discussion with the family - ‘how can we work together to solve this as my DM is scared to go outside or to answer her door’ - and add that if nothing changes I will contact adult social care. Least I am owning it! (Rather than them blaming my DM).

Escalate with adult social services now. Let them make the call.

We have a neighbour with dementia. He often comes and knocks on our door, they haven’t lived here all that long, 5yrs maybe so didn’t know them when he was okay. He babbles like a toddler, very insistent with whatever hes saying but you can’t understand him. He gets quite agitated at times. I used to answer the door, but now iIf i see him on the cameras I just ignore it and he wanders off. I’ll text his wife that he's out wandering.
Could you install Ring type cameras so your mum can see if he's there, and if hes knocking at the door she knows to ignore it.
How is he getting in the garden? Would a better higher fence or letting the hedges grow higher help? Locking the garden gate? Do your best to fence him out basically! I know you shouldn’t have to, but worth it to make your mum feel safe.

I would suggest you have a conversation with the children, ideally not with their dm present. Chances are she is underplaying what is happening, that he is wandering and intimidating your dm and how often. Sounds like he really needs close supervision when she wants to go out. Is it happening while she is inside too? Maybe the caring is too much for her too? If no progress it needs to be social care involvement for his sake as well as dms.

This kind of thing makes me so angry! So your DM is blamed because this unwell man who almost certainly shouldn't be left home alone is pestering her; and no doubt nothing will happen unless he assaults her, which unfortunately could happen, since people with dementia can become violent.

If the police have told her to ring 999 when he follows her or bangs on her door then that is what she should do and hopefully, in the meantime, he won't harm her. Clearly he needs a referral to adult SS, but his own family are more interested in leaving him to roam and pester the neighbours than in taking responsibility for him. And yes, I would get a lock for the gate and a Ring doorbell (or similar) as hopefully both will help to keep your DM safe.

Sounds similar! My parents did not know this man before he became unwell. He didn’t do this when DF was alive. I know dementia can make people fixate or go back in time. Initially I wondered if this man had been a friend of the previous owner, where he frequently visited. His family said not.

The gardens are ‘open plan’ so a large grassed lawn but none of the houses and bungalows are allowed fences. I’m thinking a side gate would work, which would have to attach to her house and the side fence between her and her NDN. This would be locked.

I’m even wondering about some sort of bell that would jingle as he tries/shakes the gate it. It would give her warning of him (anyone) arriving and allow her to go indoors if she is outside in the rear garden.

I feel sad that her freedoms are going to be limited.

You poor things, what a sad situation.

I think in this case you are going to have to take control/advocate for your poor Mum. She is at an age where the roles are changing and you need to take charge.

I’d definitely be going over to talk to the neighbours in person, without your mum. It will help to keep a bit of distance between the complaint and your mum (it is YOU complaining, rather than her). Also, you can mention in passing your safeguarding experience and say that as he is a vulnerable adult, you are duty bound to report any situation that occurs where he is a danger to himself (namely being outside, unsupervised).

Don’t be confrontational or threatening; just keep it factual and as friendly as you can in the first instance. A person constantly approaching and knocking at the home of an 85 year old woman living alone is not ok and something needs to be done to stop it. That is the key point.

Could their gate perhaps be made more secure as a start? So he can’t get out of his own garden/property? At least then if he wants to wander, he can do so safely.

It is absolutely NOT ON that they shout at her, that is just horrific.

Best of luck

@MerrilyMoving I don't think Social Services would (as things stand) be interested in safeguarding your mother, as there is nothing to safeguard her from. Him knocking at the door is an annoyance but he hasn't done anything more than that.

SS would be looking to safeguard the person with dementia. Their concern would be him wandering and coming to harm. But unless there are other concerns about his care, I doubt they will do anything.

Thank you, yes, I was thinking I would mention my safeguarding role and safeguarding being everyone’s responsibility’ (though one of his children is a teacher and should understand too), but be calm and quite detached - I call it ‘work mode’!

Could their gate perhaps be made more secure as a start? So he can’t get out of his own garden/property? At least then if he wants to wander, he can do so safely.
No they have the same property with no fences allowed. They have a side gate but he always comes out of his front door, even when his wife is at home.

I say raising a complaint to the Police every time it happens is the way to go.
When my DParents were at a similar stage, DF and DM became known to the Police three times in eight weeks. They were then escalated to an At Risk category and had a social worker assigned. Later on in their dementia-journey, DM was reported to the Police for crying for help in a public place.
These reports were incredibly helpful and positive for me and my DSis. We did not have POA and having other members of the public comment my DPs were struggling really helped us get the help they needed. Reporting is not necessary a negative- it can be constructive help .

I’m sorry you went through this and really appreciate your comments from the different view point.

I know we should all protect the neighbour too by referring (I have protected children in the same way) but just worried about the repercussions for my DM rather than me.

Maybe it’ll be better when it’s winter time, the cold might put him off! We definitely see our neighbour more in the summer months.
Do you use cameras/door bells yourself? We have Ring ones, you can have it set up on several phones so you’d be able to see what’s going on yourself if you wanted too. We also have one that’s just a solar powered camera without a doorbell on the other side of the house, and a motion sensor camera one the other side. It needs WiFi but works about 60m from our house. There’s lots of options! (This isn’t all to spy on our dementia chap - we live at our business site and have a lot of valuable kit about😂)

Good grief your poor mum! Have you ever been there when he’s done it? What happens if you answer the door?

"DM has asked the police for advice about this man coming to the house. They didn’t have a solution, just checked he hadn’t touched her, hurt her or vandalised anything. If he does she needs to call 999."

I'm very sorry your mother is going through this. The advice from the police seems ridiculous - someone can be harassed (as your mother is being) without being "touched", "hurt" or having their property vandalised. She is essentially a prisoner in her home. That can't be legal. I know she will probably be reluctant to ring 999 every time he does it in future, but she has no way of knowing whether he will give up with the knocking and go home, or will try something else . I'm not suggesting he would do anything, just pointing out that it would be legitimate to say to the police "I have no idea what he might do next" because that is true.

If he's wandering from his home when there are other people there, they must be ignoring or neglecting him, which is awful for everyone. But it's not your mother's problem to solve.

So is there no way of making her garden secure? They have suggested a padlock, where could it go?

No I haven’t been there.

At time when a friend dropped her back at home, he waited until the friend left in her car.

Another time he seemed to turn up just after another family member drove away after visiting.

The side gate, which leads to the side door (no front door) could be padlocked. This relies on a NDN’s fence.

The open plan front gardens and drive cannot be fenced.

I don’t think there will be repercussions for your DM.
I suspect the family only have a one-sided view but very soon they will have the whole picture once they actually try and care 1:1 for a DF who clearly is a regular escape risk.
Reassure your DM that she is absolutely entitled to her own safe space and there won’t be repercussions because the neighbours with the errant Dad actually will have more to worry about.

Hey - what a sad story, the wife of the ndn is obviously not coping either and leaving them alone for long periods of time for respite? which is when these incidents are occurring - a number for her or family to alert them each time is a good idea as is ringing social services each time or police as is installing gates fences with locks - or a ring bell that’s connected to you so you can reply whenever they call or has a message on speaker, I am not in sorry rather than someone’s at the door - this might be a solution - dementia is so cruel possible neglect here if being left unsupervised is putting him - and your mother- at risk on some level - he can have a pendant so when he leaves the house the wife family are notified immediately or a sensor on door if won’t or even lock the door which is possible a deprivation of his liberty good luck