Ideas for solutions to help much appreciated. (Elderly DM and neighbour with dementia).

[MerrilyMoving]

My DM lives alone, since my DF died 18 months ago.

She is 85, fit, active and generally really well.

I live an hour away.

During the last 6 months her elderly, male, married neighbour has started to cross from his garden to hers, has followed her to her door and has started to come and knock on the side door. The knocking can last 15-20 minutes if she doesn’t answer.
He has dementia and is non-verbal.

He lives with his wife who is frequently out of the home. He has adult children who visit. He wanders out of his home more when other adults are there but sometimes when he is at home he is alone.

DM is scared of him. She has tried to talk to his wife who blames my DM. ‘He doesn’t do this to anyone else’.
Suggestions by his wife, to resolve this have been that DM should stay indoors, shouldn’t water her garden and should buy a padlock for her gate.
His adult children have warned my DM not to upset their mum by talking about this to her.

DM has asked the police for advice about this man coming to the house. They didn’t have a solution, just checked he hadn’t touched her, hurt her or vandalised anything. If he does she needs to call 999.

My MiL had dementia too, so I understand the sadness his family will be going through, their denial, concern and care for him. However his wife and adult children shouting at my DM and blaming her is unacceptable.

I’m hoping wise people that you may have some solutions or ideas. I am thinking of a call to adult social care at the council, under safeguarding?

ETA we are installing a camera at DM’s tomorrow.

What about a sprinkler system in the garden?

Windows and integral garage/drive to the front. Open plan garden. Pathway to a side entrance. Rear garden and rear door. Gate added between the house and a fence shared with the NDN. This is the gate that would have to be locked.

So her front door is behind the gate and she doesn’t want the gate locked as she’d be locked in?

A big bell on her gate would give her time to get in the house of he does come to the gate.

So as well as a camera and locking the gate, would a box for her post be useful as well as a box for the milk and a light that she could turn on from the house that would illuminate him on darker days and evening?

You could buy DM a couple of panic alarm key rings that make a huge noise when she turns the panic sensor on. She could have several positioned around house and garden.Their noise would alert others immediately.
But the errant neighbour must be doing other activities. His family being in denial can’t be a thing anymore. With that level of fixation he’s bound to be causing other issues within their home and the scales must have fallen from their eyes.

Your mum needs to put a complaint into the police as she’s being harassed not just bh she old man but by their children and then shouting at her too CAN have something done about it!!! She frightened by all these people and that’s not on and that’s what the police are for! Go with her to the police and ask for a senior officer and ask why this wasn’t dealt with properly the first time!!

the relatives are responsible for their dad NOT you and your mum!!! Their behaviour needs pointing out by the police that it’s not on and they need to be told to sort their doors out to stop him getting out!!! This isn’t your or your mums problem to sort it’s THEIRS!!!

Why should she be locked in??? The old man is the problem and the family should be locking HIS front door for a start!!!! The police need speaking to about the old man AND his abusive relatives as frankly they need charging for shouting at her and neglecting the old man! They won’t want him in a home s will lose their inheritance but if they want to keep him at home they need to keep him safe AND the neighbours!!! Sod being nice to them!!!!

And why should she???? All this talk of fences and locks will make her even more scared!!! POLICE and senior officer and you go with her is only way forward. Less of the sympathy for the old bloke and more for your mum who is frightened in her own house and in her own garden and has been abused by the neighbours children!!!! Sod being nice and get angry on behalf of your mum!!! SHE is the priority to you NOT him!!! You are in work mode and need to be in how do I help my mum as a priority mode!!! Shouting at your mum for wanting to be safe in her own house??? NO not on! Police need to go and speak to them and tell them to lock THEIR doors for a start!!!!

If you looked at my previous posts I was suggesting this as general home safety measure. I have mine locked and have had for years. It’s absolutely no problem and I do feel safer on the back garden alone.

The layout is like this (site diagram as new) The entrance door (red area) is at the side. With the gate moved forward, the door is behind the gate. The gate would have to be locked to prevent him trying her door, knocking on the door window etc.

DM is reluctant to be locked in. She also tends her front garden, cuts her lawn, waters her pots and did have a space to sit (not used now). She is scared to be out there, partly incase he comes across the (quiet) road from his own house and partly because his family seem to be implying that DM encourages him as he doesn’t do this to anyone else. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Could you encourage her to shout ‘Go Away, John!’, with her hand up like a stop sign? Or carry a bullhorn to blast at him?

And is there another neighbour she could ask for support? If I was aware of the situation, I’d drop everything to dash out and help when I heard the horn or saw him coming.

I agree with the ‘why should she’ but there doesn’t seem to be another option. DM certainly doesn’t feel she should be the one locked in.

I am going to contact local Adult Social Care, when they open tomorrow. As I explained the police have logged it but are not prepared to act.

I like the bullhorn idea !

I wonder if another idea would be to make a safeguarding report for your own mother. She's 85, and therefore very likely to be classed as a vulnerable adult, and being intimidated by a neighbour.

Until I saw your diagram, I hadn't appreciated re the gate that she would then have no way to receive post etc, so I do certainly see why she isn't a fan of that idea.

Could you put two handles on the gate , one that pushes down and one that pushes up . Similar to nursery/ reception class doors as he might not figure on how to work them .

Well the padlock on side gate is a no-brainer - sort that straight away. But then it's a call to adult social care, definitely.

Or the other thing lots of dementia wards do is do a code for the door, printed on a piece of paper inside a butterfly (no idea why it's always a butterfly) next to the door. So everyone who doesn't have dementia knows what the code is (so can deliver the post etc) while those with dementia can't get through.

I think you said you hadn’t seen this happen? Could you get ring camera/CCTV/whatever it’s called, but access the live footage from your phone? Then you have either a recording to show police or social services, or you can call the police yourself. When you dial 999 (because it will be an emergency) you just have to say ‘I’m calling from London but the emergency is in Leeds’ or whatever.

Yes, I wondered about that.
Schools often just have a handle high up, obviously because children are small but this man is 6ft+. I wondered if a handle high up or just on the inside (metal gate) would be enough to confuse him.

Easier for DM not having to lock herself in.

My grandma was a nuisance to her neighbours when she had dementia. It was awful for everyone. But we always talked to them and listened and did our best to help them. We didn't ever make it their problem. I'm sorry your mum's neighbours aren't listening and acknowledging the problem. That's the least they could do.

I'm sorry this is happening to your mum.

Well the padlock on side gate is a no-brainer

Except DM is locked in! The man with dementia is free to access all he wants.

As explained this limits her freedoms and other visitors and services that access her main entrance.

DM is reluctant for this to happen (though I think we will have to try this).

Please don't do this. The man has dementia. Do any of you writing these kind of responses actually have experience with dementia and the effects of cognitive decline ?

And the OP's mother is an elderly lady, she needs safeguarding, not placing in a potentially harmful situation.

@MerrilyMoving Adult Social Services for both of them. The male neighbour needs a proper care assessment as he is wandering. This is hugely dangerous for him. His family should be ashamed of themselves blaming your mother. It's a total failure of care on their part.

Your mother is vulnerable and needs protection, not just from him, but SS do need to be aware in case of emergency. Is she also on the priority services register for her utilities? I would also advise you call AgeUK for help/advice.