Ideas for solutions to help much appreciated. (Elderly DM and neighbour with dementia).

[MerrilyMoving]

My DM lives alone, since my DF died 18 months ago.

She is 85, fit, active and generally really well.

I live an hour away.

During the last 6 months her elderly, male, married neighbour has started to cross from his garden to hers, has followed her to her door and has started to come and knock on the side door. The knocking can last 15-20 minutes if she doesn’t answer.
He has dementia and is non-verbal.

He lives with his wife who is frequently out of the home. He has adult children who visit. He wanders out of his home more when other adults are there but sometimes when he is at home he is alone.

DM is scared of him. She has tried to talk to his wife who blames my DM. ‘He doesn’t do this to anyone else’.
Suggestions by his wife, to resolve this have been that DM should stay indoors, shouldn’t water her garden and should buy a padlock for her gate.
His adult children have warned my DM not to upset their mum by talking about this to her.

DM has asked the police for advice about this man coming to the house. They didn’t have a solution, just checked he hadn’t touched her, hurt her or vandalised anything. If he does she needs to call 999.

My MiL had dementia too, so I understand the sadness his family will be going through, their denial, concern and care for him. However his wife and adult children shouting at my DM and blaming her is unacceptable.

I’m hoping wise people that you may have some solutions or ideas. I am thinking of a call to adult social care at the council, under safeguarding?

ETA we are installing a camera at DM’s tomorrow.

They are absolutely out of order shouting at your mother like that. She has done nothing wrong.

I'd keep escalating this to either the police (it's harassment, whatever the cause) and to adult social services, or to both.

Adult Social Services may not have safeguarding concerns about your mother, but they might well about her neighbour, who is a dementia patient, escape artist and a flight risk. All quite common in dementia patients, DH's Grandma used to do this. It was only solved by her going into a secure care home.

I'm actually thinking that a good padlock on your mother's gate could be a good idea, with all of you and her having keys to it. My gates are all always padlocked anyway and I wouldn't leave them without.

Yes, I was disappointed with the police response too, they can’t do anything until she is abused or hurt…🤷🏻‍♀️
But then again, if he were a shoplifter, for instance, the police couldn’t be involved because we ‘think’ a person is about to steal either.

The officer did suggest she rings and asks for an ambulance for him….passing the buck much?? - I couldn’t see that the ambulance service would attend..

I wonder whether it would be worth another conversation with the police, perhaps with you there in support. I don't think they are correct that they can't act. He is already harassing her by going over and knocking on the door repeatedly, so it's different from someone going into a shop who hasn't stolen anything yet.

Section 1 of the Protection from Harassment Act 1997 says:

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"1 Prohibition of harassment.

(1)A person must not pursue a course of conduct—

(a)which amounts to harassment of another, and

(b)which he knows or ought to know amounts to harassment of the other.

***

The section goes on to say:

***

"(2) For the purposes of this section section 2A(2)(c) the person whose course of conduct is in question ought to know that it amounts to or involves harassment of another if a reasonable person in possession of the same information would think the course of conduct amounted to harassment of the other."

***

Section 4 deals with putting people in fear of violence:

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"4 Putting people in fear of violence.

(1)A person whose course of conduct causes another to fear, on at least two occasions, that violence will be used against him is guilty of an offence if he knows or ought to know that his course of conduct will cause the other so to fear on each of those occasions.

(2)For the purposes of this section, the person whose course of conduct is in question ought to know that it will cause another to fear that violence will be used against him on any occasion if a reasonable person in possession of the same information would think the course of conduct would cause the other so to fear on that occasion.

***

In your first post you said his wife blames your mother because he doesn't do it to anyone else. You also said that he waits until he can see there is no-one there with her and then goes over. He therefore seems, regardless of the dementia, to have identified your mother as someone he can target with this behaviour. The police might argue he lacks the capacity to commit the offences because of the dementia, but his conduct suggests he knows exactly what he is doing, and doesn't care. Otherwise he would be trying all the neighbours, and he would also show up when your mother had visitors. I wonder whether his family knows exactly what he is like, and is secretly hoping he will do something awful and be taken away by the authorities and they can wash their hands of him.

I'm not sure if the police operate a "second opinion" type of scheme where you can ask for someone else in the force to reconsider a complaint (like you can with the NHS) but I would be concerned that someone relatively low-level and inexperienced has been handed this matter to deal with and thinks they can just fob your mother off. We saw from the news yesterday that police ineptitude can have awful results, so if you can go with her (or, and I say this only partly cynically, arrange for a man to go with her instead or as well) I think it would be worth doing.

Make sure she has numbers to text them- or for you to text them, when he’s doing it. Every time, all of them. Make it their problem.

And don’t underplay her vulnerability. She’s 85, lives alone, and in any other context would be the most vulnerable person in the situation. She’s being harassed in her own home.

I meant to say, you can ask for a safety assessment for her given the situation. Ask the police or social services to visit and advise on safety, given the openness of the front gardens.

Thank you, this is really helpful.

The police officer had talked about harassment but in terms of ‘in normal circumstances… but as this man has dementia…’ I think your explanation of him targeting just DM is something I had not thought through. I will make call to the police.

I don’t think his family are hoping that this escalates. They want him at home, they do not want him living elsewhere and are reluctant to pay nursing home fees. I think they are in denial and at the minute are blaming DM, because that takes the accountability and responsibility off them.

I agree with the comments about police not reacting prior to incidents. It would be another investigation required, if he hurts her after reporting. Frustrating and worrying.

I don’t think his wife would share her number, but I will try in my ‘how can we solve this’ approach.

Padlock or similar on the side gate would seem to be the easiest solution.

I’m sorry - your dm must be upset

Yes, I agree about the gate, sadly.

DM was more indignant about ‘why should I be locked in’ but I am wondering if this will change the man’s current fixation and perhaps after a few weeks this will pass.

There is the added advantage that he will be at the gate in full sight, rather than along the side of the house where nobody can see him.

It does prevent DM from easy access to half of her gardens, unfortunately and I’m not sure what would happen with the post, newspapers, milk delivery or unexpected visiting friends and family.

1. Padlock on the side gate and I think something noisy is a great idea.
2. And I think a ring camera or two as well. Time to gather evidence of his behaviour.
3. Yes to the safeguarding team at the council. And if no progress I think then
4. The harassment point the other poster made above is excellent. No it's probably not going to be suitable for him to stand trial but someone needs to arrange suitable care for him and that's not happening.

Wandering can be incredibly problematic. My grandad got 15 miles on his worst wandering episode. It needs dealing with before it gets worse.

I am sure I have seen advertised ring type doorbells where you can talk to the person at the front door via a phone, even if you are not at the house yourself. Maybe something like this might work, especially if a man's voice shouted at him to bugger off or similar. In his demented state he wouldn't know that the male shouting at him wasn't actually in the house.

I wonder if you could install a temporary barrier between the gardens OP? I understand about the no fence rule but realistically who is going to enforce it?

The man with dementia lives opposite, across a quiet road. DM would have to fence her large front garden with something quite substantial.

A combination padlock could be a solution, it's a bit easier than messing around with keys. Yes it is inconvenient for deliveries etc but if there is a Ring doorbell/camera you can screen them.

My mum wandered severely during her last year at home with dementia, we had to secure their garden in the end, until my dad finally agreed to a care home. We used a combination lock, there was a sticker with the code but mum couldn't read or remember it.

You definitely need a number to ring "please fetch Fred back he's over here again".

I am not sure what the practical answer is, but please understand that these relatives are MASSIVELY failing in the duty of care. My mum had dementia and preventing her from doing things that hurt or scared, or potentially hurt or scared others was a massive part of the care we gave her. It is bloody disrespectful to the person with dementia to let them do things you know they would have not have done before they were ill.

If I've understood this correctly, your mother doesn't have a front door so her main entrance would be behind a padlocked side gate, if so i don't think this would be safe, if there was a fire or some other emergency and the key wasn't readily available your mother would be trapped. Perhaps some other mechanism may be safer, just a bolt high up on the inside so that emergency services could access it but the man with dementia couldn't.

Several good suggestions from PPs here.
I would add that since the police won't do anything unless she is actually harmed - awful, I know - I would suggest that DM continue to call the police BUT tell them not that he is bothering her but that he appears to be a vulnerable, disorientated individual who is confused and at risk. That might get them to take notice.

I have a plastic crate by the gate with parcels written on it in sharpie.

it’s pretty waterproof and most post/milk/etc gets put in there no problem.

I’d imagine once the habit is broken you won’t need it (and he’ll probably bother someone else less amenable)

Definitely put a padlock on the gate. I was burgled many years ago and have always had a padlock on the side gate since then.

Your DM might not want to be “locked in the garden” but can you persuade her on a home safety aspect?

If you are fitting a camera will you have one where you can store cottage and talk to people in view?

Personally I wouldn’t approach the family. They seem in denial, irrational and deeply unpleasant. Your poor DM has to live their full time and I would be worried about her if the family have already shouted at her.

What a hard situation.

if you are going to play nice then getting a phone number to contact every time he does this is a must. It spent be your mums problem, it’s for his family to deal with.

If they refuse this then you would be justified in escalating the matter.

I wonder if it's worth ringing your DM's local adult social care helpdesk. Explain that your DM is vulnerable living alone and this man is scaring her, and that the Police/man's family aren't being very helpful. Your poor DM, this must be horrendous for her.

I would start with beefing up physical barriers. Make the fences taller and more secure. Fit taller gates with locks. Perhaps if it’s harder for him to approach the house, he will be put off a bit. But I agree with advice above to talk to interested parties and SS if needed. Just thought that the fence etc thing could be done very much more quickly than all the negotiations you will need.

Does your mum use a smartphone OP, or a tablet? As well as a Ring doorbell I also have a 'window cam' it's a small camera that sticks to the inside of the window and monitors outside. If it detects movement within its set range (which you can reduce or block areas out) it sends a notification to my phone and I get a beep. It's actually more sensitive than my Ring. You can also insert an SD card so that you can play back footage.

There aren’t any fences unfortunately. As I explained above the front gardens are open plan with fences not allowed. The man in question also lives in a house without a front fence, opposite DM.

DM is concerned that she is going to be locked in when she isn’t the issue.

You mention milk and post. How is the layout of your DM’s home? Our front door os accessible from the street but there is a gate before the back door and this is the one that’s locked.

Is your DM’s home similar?