Ideas for solutions to help much appreciated. (Elderly DM and neighbour with dementia).

[MerrilyMoving]

My DM lives alone, since my DF died 18 months ago.

She is 85, fit, active and generally really well.

I live an hour away.

During the last 6 months her elderly, male, married neighbour has started to cross from his garden to hers, has followed her to her door and has started to come and knock on the side door. The knocking can last 15-20 minutes if she doesn’t answer.
He has dementia and is non-verbal.

He lives with his wife who is frequently out of the home. He has adult children who visit. He wanders out of his home more when other adults are there but sometimes when he is at home he is alone.

DM is scared of him. She has tried to talk to his wife who blames my DM. ‘He doesn’t do this to anyone else’.
Suggestions by his wife, to resolve this have been that DM should stay indoors, shouldn’t water her garden and should buy a padlock for her gate.
His adult children have warned my DM not to upset their mum by talking about this to her.

DM has asked the police for advice about this man coming to the house. They didn’t have a solution, just checked he hadn’t touched her, hurt her or vandalised anything. If he does she needs to call 999.

My MiL had dementia too, so I understand the sadness his family will be going through, their denial, concern and care for him. However his wife and adult children shouting at my DM and blaming her is unacceptable.

I’m hoping wise people that you may have some solutions or ideas. I am thinking of a call to adult social care at the council, under safeguarding?

ETA we are installing a camera at DM’s tomorrow.

No i wouldn’t help here but worth doing nonetheless. DM is over 90 and doesn’t consider herself old or vulnerable!

are there any other neighbours who he is bothering or could keep an eye on her? Is he under a delusion that she is in his home somehow? Might be worth speaking to a dementia charity for their take on the situation and advice.

Securing the gate without locking is a good idea OP. Have you ever come across a Cow Chain? Not sure thats its proper name, but basically a chain with a bigger circle and a T shape on the ends that you put through the circle to secure. We have them on our horse paddocks and it’s amazing how many people that haven’t come across them can’t work out how to open them! They’d definitely outsmart him if he's not thinking well and lost fine motor skills while being easy to use if you know how. Such a shame his family won't engage because they’d probably have better ideas about what would put him off.

A huge thank you! The ‘cow chain’ sounds like a great idea, less ‘lockable’ so easier for DM and others to get in and out, but perhaps enough to stop/delay the neighbour.

I will make a visit to our local agricultural store!

@MerrilyMoving When you register your elderly, vulnerable loved one with SS, they keep a register (at least my County does). It means if there's an incident (fire / police / ambulance), these services are aware. Also, they will send an OT to see if there is anything they can offer to help with independence - half steps, rails, shower grab rails etc.

The PSR will ensure that they are notified in the case of a power cut / water being cut off and so on, and the utilities prioritise their reconnection where possible. It means that they don't need to worry about contacting the utility company if something goes wrong, they will be notified.

Also if your mother has a digital VoIP telephone, she can get a UPS so that in the event of a power failure, she is not left without communications.

There's lots of help out there, but tracking it down is tortuous.

With regard to the neighbour, are all the houses similar? If your mother's house looks like his, he may well think that it's his house, hence the trying to get into it. He could be coming out of his house, seeing the house opposite, recognising it as looking like his and 'going home'.

My father had dementia. They really do live in a completely different world. The easiest way of dealing with resultant behaviour, is to put yourself in their world and try and see things how they do.

It's a sad situation all round.

Unfortunately all ours are old antique ones so I can’t advise where to buy one in person, but I’ve just googled and there’s loads online.
A spring clip one, like a horses lead rope might work too if you cant find the T bar type.

I would advise her to keep a log of times, dates etc.

It also might be worth logging with the police on the non emergency number (101?) each time.

She is being harassed and it's not on (no matter the reason).
You could could try adult social services.
Also mp's can some times help with things like this(some of them have high up connections /can get things done in some places).
Unfortunately I suspect things will probably get worse before they get better which is why she should log everything. If his family are reluctant to get involved it could be a long slog /high threshold before ss step in/action is taken. I hope not but sadly expect you will need to keep reporting and keep escalating things with police/ss etc :(
I wish you well, it's a sad situation all round :(

A quick update as others have put time and energy into providing advice and this thread may help others.

Camera is up, this will record and therefore give a log. It is set to show the gate too. DM see outside from the app on her mobile phone.

My call to Adult Social Care was advisory and helpful. I didn’t share any identifying details at this stage.
Advice was that I can make a referral on behalf of my DM as the vulnerable adult ASC will send someone to see her, they will look at her house and make any security suggestions. They will also visit the man’s family to discuss this with them.
I can also make a report (named or anonymously) about the safeguarding of this man.
I had a very professional conversation with the staff member, mainly talking out loud and answering my own questions as I did so, but also gaining an added understanding of the referral process.

I will talk with the man’s family if I get chance, in a low key, ‘happen to see them way’ or in a planned way if it happens again. This will be an objective conversation about my DM and our rights and next steps in making a referral on her behalf. They can’t object to that.

She is still reluctant to have a locked gate even though I have explained that this would mean he remains in full view. She does not like the thought of her freedom being restricted and a slight ‘why should his family not have to do anything, but I do’.

Time to move on from her thoughts would be a good thing. Let’s see how it goes.

Glad you have now installed a camera, and have advised from social services.
I do think your mom needs to take additional steps to secure her gate . This doesn’t mean she’s locked in . I have a simple chain on my gate to stop the dogs from opening it .

That looks great, easy to fit.

DM is still reluctant but I think my next step will be to go to our local agricultural store and try the catch out. If she knows she can open it, she may feel better.

All calm at the minute. His family seem to be spending more time with him.

Though DM can talk of nothing else…

@MerrilyMoving Has the neighbour issue improved or worsened?