Would you go on holiday in these circumstances?

[Stillwearingskinnies]

My mum tripped & fell over st home and has had a partial hip replacement. She is in hospital currently but should be discharged early next week. She has cognitive impairment, worsened recently. I have been visiting her in hospital and generally shes ok if a bit bored, snd then suddenly she becomes very distressed & wants to see my dad, saying shes never been apart from him etc.
Dad has dementia & has got considerably worse lately. I have arranged for homecare to start monday. Twice a day visit to help with meditation, food prep, light housekeeping.
It has been an awful few weeks. Mum fell down stairs in June & was in hospital for 2 weeks. During that visit they discovered a tumour on her kidney & lesions on her liver. They planned to operate in August but then she fell again so the surgery has been postponed.
I have been doing a lot for them and so has my aunt & uncle who live close to them (I am 45 mins away, I am working although not in school holidays).
Me, DH, 2 teens are due to go on holiday to France this weekend for 10 days. Another family member has expressed Horror that I'm even thinking about going.
I have done a big shop for my Dad, a Sainsbury's delivery is booked for next week, carers are due to start seeing my dad Monday, mum will have a care package when she comes out.
Should I not go to France?
Am I taking the piss expecting my aunt/uncle to take over temporarily?
If it wasn't the holidays, I still would have had to work mon-fri (part time)

I don’t think you’re unreasonable to be thinking about going.

It’s hard to say whether it’s reasonable to expect your aunt and uncle to take over. If you and they are already doing a lot, is it feasible for them to do it all? Your parents sound elderly - are your aunt and uncle a similar age? Are they fine with it, or are they the family member who has said you shouldn’t go?

Of course I appreciate that no one can actually make the decision for me, and there are nuances to every situation, I just wondered if anyone had any thoughts. I am really struggling with things at the moment

Of course you should go, you can’t let others dictate your life.

It's important , ime, that someone is there when carers start, to show them what to do and where everything is.

Can your Dad manage on his own when the carers are not there or is he better if someone is with him?

Who will help Dad with the Sainsbury shop?

Will you be on holiday when your Mum comes home from the hospital. Ime this can be a very difficult time and she'll need support

It depends on whether your aunt and uncle are happy to hold the fort for you. If they are then I would go. Also you can always get back from France if things get really bad. If your mum has cancer that has spread I don’t think you will be looking at a very long life now sad to say so I think I would go but the not book anything else in. There is a good possibility your mum won’t be discharged early next week anyway as can take so long for care etc to be sorted out

This is a situation where some people would just drop everything and move in for a few weeks and others would do what you are doing and carry on. People are different and feel differently. You can only assess the situation and do what feels right for you. My main concern would be when she’s discharged. Will this be whilst you’re away? My mum had a last minute knee replacement whilst I was on holiday. Didn’t even know she was going in until I was already away and she managed to get them to discharge her with no care package! If they say they don’t want it, it’s not forced on them. I would probably try and premeditate that situation as well as the things you’ve already put it place. Assuming I’d felt I’d sorted everything I’d be off on my holiday still though.

Once parents get to this stage you might never go on holiday for years if you don’t go for every challenge they have.

My aunt is fit and healthy and says I should go. She does work part time but has been incredibly helpful over the last couple of months. My uncle has memory problems but is otherwise fit. He has been visiting my parents most days anyway, would do anything for them and seems fine with me going.
I feel guilty going and guilty not going.

In your shoes, no. Send the family, settle the parents and go for the last 3/4 days if you can.

My aunt will be there Monday although my Dad should be ok showing them round. He can manage on his own mostly, but he does need reminding to take his tablets, and he does get confused. I wanted to get the homecare in place for him so that he gets used to it sooner rather than later as mum will be going back into hospital at some point to have surgery

Can you arrange some extra care appointments while you’re away?

@TheyGrewUpi could do that. I confess I'm a bit hesitant to drive in France on my own. Never driven abroad before. Perhaps now's the time to start

@Travellingshoes extra support from the homecare people? I could do. The hospital will be keeping me updated as to when mum is discharged so I could ask for extra carers to visit when she is back home. I presume you can do that. This is the first time for me dealing with care at home

Thanks for all the perspectives. I am anxious at the best of times and this crisis of conscience has sent me spiralling into a fug of sleepless nights and constant palpitations. It is so difficult to know what to do for the best. I have merrily bumbled along for 50odd years and then all of a sudden my life has been turned upside down in a flash.

Can't you fly to the nearest airport and get your DH to pick you up?

I'm quite an anxious person generally so I probably wouldn't go. Your mums surgery means her mobility will be very restricted for a while. Can your dad help her sufficiently with worsening dementia? Although there will be carers twice a day, she'll likely need help outside of their visits, and regular pain medication every 4hrs probably (I've had knee replacement so speaking from experience). I just wouldn't enjoy myself away if I was worrying constantly. I wouldn't judge you for going if there is reliable support in place outside of the carers visits.

Also, beside the point, but I'd also avoid France due to the excessive heat and wildfires everywhere right now. It's too hot for me in SE England right now, so 40+ would finish me off.

I would absolutely go.
You will be exhausted and the break will benefit you when you get back.

Please dont judge but i dont fly. I know, I know. Severe claustrophobia. Ive already been stressing about the shuttle. I've done it once so I can do it again with some deep breathing and my kids distracting me. I dread it though.

Not much help, but I had to drive in Europe for the first time after DH was unable to, and it gave me so much confidence knowing I could do it. It's especially easier in your own car rather than a left hand drive one..

Now when we go abroad, I always make sure to do some solo driving to keep up the skill.

Where we're going its predicted low 30s. Still hideously hot mind

If I was related to you and could help out for 10 days whilst you and your family had a break then I would.

I would be questioning why someone gets to tell you that you are being selfish but they aren't offering any help or being understanding themselves. They are quite horrible really and their opinion doesn't matter, no matter how important they think they are.

Ultimately, you also have to put your own children first (is the person who said you shouldn't go child free?!). It's a tough decision to make. Good luck. If you do decide to go then do not feel guilty.

Your mum should be discharged with a full care package, the max is 4 visits per day and can go on for up to 6 weeks. This is funded by the NHS and is basically to reduce bed blocking.

Carers are in place. I agree with PP it’s good that they start without you around.

Go on holiday and enjoy yourself. As a fellow carer of a parent with dementia I understand the need for you to take a break. You need some time away. You have care for your parents covered so go!

I’d go but I wouldn’t drive, it’s a ball ache in
this heat and nervy to boot. French motorways are fast - know them well. DH can pick you up at the airport.

Talk to the care agency and brief them/carers before you go. You’re on
the phone & will be back after the first week, Sorted.

Write a list today of what you’re worried about and cross one thing off at a time. 🌺

I was be open and honest with the hospital re your mum. They shouldn’t discharge unless a safe discharge eg people to support at home. If that is your aunt then so be it whilst you are away.

I would also look to increasing the home care for your dad whilst away. He may be more confused when your mum is not there.

however once you start to head down this road of care and care responsibilities sadly you will not have similar freedoms as before. I would go on the holiday putting all you can in place. In an emergency you can fly home from the nearest airport and get taxi. Your insurance should also cover an emergency if not take out a credit card and you’re covered if you need to get back DH can stay with kids.

I hope your mum makes a good recovery. It sound like it could be tricky times ahead.