Would you go on holiday in these circumstances?

[Stillwearingskinnies]

My mum tripped & fell over st home and has had a partial hip replacement. She is in hospital currently but should be discharged early next week. She has cognitive impairment, worsened recently. I have been visiting her in hospital and generally shes ok if a bit bored, snd then suddenly she becomes very distressed & wants to see my dad, saying shes never been apart from him etc.
Dad has dementia & has got considerably worse lately. I have arranged for homecare to start monday. Twice a day visit to help with meditation, food prep, light housekeeping.
It has been an awful few weeks. Mum fell down stairs in June & was in hospital for 2 weeks. During that visit they discovered a tumour on her kidney & lesions on her liver. They planned to operate in August but then she fell again so the surgery has been postponed.
I have been doing a lot for them and so has my aunt & uncle who live close to them (I am 45 mins away, I am working although not in school holidays).
Me, DH, 2 teens are due to go on holiday to France this weekend for 10 days. Another family member has expressed Horror that I'm even thinking about going.
I have done a big shop for my Dad, a Sainsbury's delivery is booked for next week, carers are due to start seeing my dad Monday, mum will have a care package when she comes out.
Should I not go to France?
Am I taking the piss expecting my aunt/uncle to take over temporarily?
If it wasn't the holidays, I still would have had to work mon-fri (part time)

Gosh I think if I could go I would. We're at the other end of this now, my mum's mum is extremely elderly. This could go on for years and years.

If you can get some rest and respite then I would do, especially if your aunt and uncle don't mind. Are you the only one in the next generation down?

It is really bad luck that you can't get her settled at home before you go away so I think I would have mixed feelings but you definitely have to "put your own oxygen mask on" in situations like this or you'll end up wrecked.

Oh and bugger the shuttle, get a Valium from GP.

No fly no problem - French trains are fantastic. If you leave early in morning you can have brekker in Paris, real croissants 🥐 and you don’t have three hour check-ins. Train much better tbh.

As a veteran of eldercare emergencies and dementia, I’d think it’s pretty unlikely there’d be one just after your mum gets out of hospital - if anything untoward happens they’ll just take her back in. She’s safe as houses. Aunt & Uncle could visit DF a couple of times, maybe.

Leave contact details with your uncle and aunt should something take a turn for the worse and you would want to know. Have the information to know how to return early if needs be.

So go and be practical about arrangements.

Being honest if your shoes were on my feed I’d at least want to be there when she was discharged and for the first couple of care appointments even if it meant missing the holiday. However I also absolutely wouldn’t judge you for going either

If your aunt thinks you should go then do. Your kids need you too. What does your dh think?

@Stillwearingskinnies You are in danger of never going on holiday again at this rate. Is that fair to dc? I don’t think it is.

On line shopping is surely the way to go! You also need to get some help and look at a long term strategy because this is just the start of being torn between parents and your own family. Carers and others can find what’s what in a house and it’s only 10 days! Do what you can before you go but look at strategies on your return or this will be a recurring dilemma.

Is the Home care private as the council ones don’t do housework
The timing is terrible,and I am not sure if I would go, but as your aunt is happy to help the. I think you could go
My DF died of cancer and my DM has dementia, you may have a tricky road ahead so maybe best to have a break now

Definitely this.
the hard work is when she’s home so you need energy for that.

I also had a similar dilemma with my DM and awful guilt going on holiday, even though care was covered. One of the nurses (who will have seen it all before) was very blunt and said I needed a break, don’t feel guilty, plus your DM wouldn’t want you to miss out.

If your aunt and uncle are fine with it, I think you should go. You're a mum and wife as well as a daughter, and it sounds like you're in for a difficult year - you need your rest while you can. You won't be any good to your parents if you get to end Sept and you're burnt out and can't take time off work. Just go, try to switch off, and you'll be straight round your parents' when you get back.

You need to go. I've an elderly, unwell FIL who is constantly having episodes. We had to cancel our last holiday after just arriving because he'd had a very high risk elective surgery two days before we left & got sepsis. Holiday before that, he fell the night before we flew abroad, but thankfully nothing broken. There's a LOT of family pressure for DH to take care of him.

We still book & go. We know we could have to cancel or come home. We lived through it with MIL until she died & then FIL's health fell apart. If we stopped going until they die, we'd not have had a holiday in 10 years, with possibly another 10 to go.

I don't listen to anyone who tells me I shouldn't go. It's easy to tell someone else they can't go away, when they've probably got something booked themselves!!

I would go.

It sounds like the NHS are going to provide the maximum care in the early days for your mum. You can arrange the extra visits for dad plus you have your aunt and uncle.

Its going to be harder to get away as time goes on so go now and tell your relative to either help or butt out.

You need time to relax and you and your family need to spend that quality time together

I notice someone else has mentioned this, so just to add. The 6 weeks of free care after discharge from hospital sounds great. Ime it isn't. The carers I encountered don't do any housework and are never on time

We paid for private care to ensure that we got what we wanted and on time

I think you need the break, all of you together.

Go on holiday. It's ten days. You could get back earlier in an emergency. They will need more and more of your time and energy going forward and your first priority is yourself, then your husband and children.

Absolutely oxygen mask on before sorting others. Don’t miss out on the time with your Dh/ DC, and get a break so you’ve more energy to deal with whatever when you come back. Another veteran of elderlies - there will be many more crises after this one, and unfortunately can be many many years of providing support

I am so thankful for all your comments, I cant tell you. We will go and we will rest and have a lovely time and i will try not to feel guilty. I know there will be challenges in the future so I think I deserve this break.
I am lucky to have my aunt and uncle there who have been brilliant. I will take them for lunch when I get back.

At least something is arranged! My DM in her 90s was released 3 times with absolutely nothing! Purely my job to sort her out. Plus they ring at 9 and ask
you to collect at 11.30. The NHS shit show just thinks you are a full
time carer. If you don’t step back, this will be your job. Unpaid.

As long as your aunt and uncle are happy I’d go, you can get back from France easily if you had to

You should definitely go and have a lovely relaxing time. Your aunt and uncle sound lovely. Don’t listen to the negative person who said don’t go. This is a long road caring for elderly parents and you need your breaks. I had to be quite firm with social workers to get the right care assessments done and state my boundaries of availability quite clearly! Good luck.

Make sure you’re aware of the limits of the care package. If it’s the 4 visits a day arranged by the hospital/council, it’s normally a max of 15 minutes per visit so it’s not that much help really - quick toilet visit/shower or heating of a meal. Also, be aware that if someone has dementia, (or cognitive decline which is basically early dementia), it normally worsens after hospital stay so your mum is likely to be less ‘herself’ that when she went in.

I’ve been through this so I know how hard it is. Try and plan as best you can for the months ahead as things inevitably don’t get easier.

I was in a similar position with an elderly relative discharged the day before my holiday. I did go. There were 4 carers a day. My young adult DCs took care of the shopping. The main thing that slipped was the washing and housework so played catch up when I got back.

its great you have your aunt on hand.

You’re an adult op, why are you listening to other people judging your life? I would probably shorten the holiday by a few days, to leave later so they are properly set up, and then I would go for a week! You might have a long road ahead of you op. A holiday would be a rest before the next few months begin.

I would not let the hospital discharge her to home. If she could be discharged to a nursing home with CHC funding to continue medical care that would be a better option. Talk to the hospital social worker and see if this is possible.

ETA I think she needs someone fully committed to supervising her care, whether that’s you or your aunt is up to you.

Cant you tell them not to discharge her because nobody will be there gor 3 weekd to tske care. Im sure theh sre npt sllowed to put fkmeone bsck jn thd vommjnity if yhrre is nobofy to take care of them.

I think i would go, but your travel restrictions would be a concern. I could fly home if needed, sounds like you couldn't, if you HAD to would you fly?
Also your anxiety might stop you enjoying your holiday at all.