Would you go on holiday in these circumstances?

[Stillwearingskinnies]

My mum tripped & fell over st home and has had a partial hip replacement. She is in hospital currently but should be discharged early next week. She has cognitive impairment, worsened recently. I have been visiting her in hospital and generally shes ok if a bit bored, snd then suddenly she becomes very distressed & wants to see my dad, saying shes never been apart from him etc.
Dad has dementia & has got considerably worse lately. I have arranged for homecare to start monday. Twice a day visit to help with meditation, food prep, light housekeeping.
It has been an awful few weeks. Mum fell down stairs in June & was in hospital for 2 weeks. During that visit they discovered a tumour on her kidney & lesions on her liver. They planned to operate in August but then she fell again so the surgery has been postponed.
I have been doing a lot for them and so has my aunt & uncle who live close to them (I am 45 mins away, I am working although not in school holidays).
Me, DH, 2 teens are due to go on holiday to France this weekend for 10 days. Another family member has expressed Horror that I'm even thinking about going.
I have done a big shop for my Dad, a Sainsbury's delivery is booked for next week, carers are due to start seeing my dad Monday, mum will have a care package when she comes out.
Should I not go to France?
Am I taking the piss expecting my aunt/uncle to take over temporarily?
If it wasn't the holidays, I still would have had to work mon-fri (part time)

I would also be having a think about whether the surgery is actually in your mums best interests. It’s likely to be major and will have a huge toll on her mentally and physically.

I agree that you should go. Make sure you have your phone on. Expect calls like “where is the toilet paper”, but they will muddle through. They have to.

On your return you may need to sort out a few systems, don’t grumble about that !

You deserve a holiday. You did not plan for this timing. Don’t feel guilty

I think you need a standard care package for when you are in UK and an upgraded one for when you are away.

I can't advise on whether you go or not, that decision must be yours, there is no right or wrong.
For now:
Speak to the Social Care Discharge team at the hospital, make them aware your Mum effectively cares for your Dad, and that you are away until x date. Make them aware of her cognitive impairment. Also make them aware of your Dad's needs.

She will get up to 6 wks free home are, but then they may assess a financial and care assessment going forward. I would suggest your Dad has the same.

Register with a local carers centre on the phone whilst away or make appointment for a return.
I would urge you to set up Power of Attorney for both parents, Financial and Health. It can be extremely difficult if you dont do this before their cognitive state worsens (you can do yourself online, Carers Centre can advise).
And if you do go, try & enjoy x

Then you go

It's so difficult to be in this situation.

I am in a similar situation.

Being a carer with multiple responsibilities, and knowing what I know now and having struggled through it all....make sure you care for yourself first. Don't forget to live a little where you are able and you can justify it in the big scheme of things.

Having rest and relaxation where you regain energy for the next phase and demands for caring are unknown is so important. The last thing you need is you, or your family, being overwhelmed by it all ...

And not spending time as a family (OH and DC) to enjoy life together.

Provided you put the care structure in place for mum and dad.... Again, you don't want frantic calls whilst you're away.

I would probably go OP. You need the break. If Aunt and Uncle are happy to step in for a week, let them. I would probably want a bit more care support though - whether this comes from a discharge package or self funded. Just for peace of mind while I was away.

Have you looked at trying to get a personal assistant or befriender in? Ring Age UK. Some times these work very well in just providing that bit of 1:1 support for people.

You should absolutely go, so I am glad you have decided to do that. You deserve a break, as do your family I am sure. Your aunt and uncle can hold the fort. If you have a family member being a CF about what you are doing let them take over. If you give up every holiday for increasingly elderly relatives you will never take a holiday, and you need to recharge yourself if you want to keep helping others.

I think all you people saying go have not dealt with someone cognitively impaired, post hip replacement with tumours going home to someone else cognitively impaired.
The upheaval of discharge to changed circumstances take quite a while to shake down IME.

I couldn’t have gone on holiday and left my parents under these circumstances. I wouldn’t have had a minute’s peace being away from them

Your aunt is happy for you to go so I’d go whilst you can.

The thing is this happens so much. I’m a ward nurse with the elderly and you can’t keep people in hospital just because family are away. It happens all the time and people won’t be kept in hospital due to that. It’s not a hotel to keep people, a hospital is literally for medical care. They’d be put in respite in a care home instead if space at the time and this exact attitude is the reason people are complaining that the wait time is so long in a&e with elderly people not even having their own room for dignity, because hospitals are so stretched full of people medically well with nowhere to go.

Not to mention the risks of keeping people in hospital unnecessarily, pneumonia, other infections, delirium, deconditioning, muscle wastage. This isn’t to the op as definitely sounds like she deserves a break but it makes my heart sink when people are like ‘refuse discharge’ because I genuinely don’t think people realise the risks of keeping people in hospital unnecessarily. The mortality risks are greatly increased because of everything they are exposed to. Much better to get them back in their own environment and away from short staffing and infections and an unfamiliar clinical environment

As an eldercare nurse, you must know the NHS term ‘medically well’ means ‘needs 24hr care’.

From the way you write, I worry you will feel guilty and not enjoy it at all if you do go?
Obviously very hard to judge from just writing, but if this is the case, think maybe if you could do some holiday/days out near where she is. Ok, not a real holiday, but you would get some time having fun wit the kids without the guilt. Ideally other family should help, if they are able to, but unfortunately that's not the case these days-even a generation ago, there were usually women who didn't work and could help out in such cases, but most of us work to the point we're not strong enough to these days-only you know what the case is in your family.

Sorry I’m not sure what you mean? Medically optimised for discharge doesn’t mean needs 24 hour care? People are waiting on care packages to go home which is not 24 hour care but that doesn’t mean they must have discharge refused when relatives have acquired a private care package to start just because they’re on holiday. People wouldn’t do that if it was private healthcare and they were getting billed each day, so I’m not sure why that’s seen as acceptable just because it’s NHS and you’re not getting billed each day

This.
Its not like you’re leaving them to muddle on alone, a relative is there to support them.

Having recently had to care for my DPs physical and mental decline over the past year from a distance of an hour away - thankfully now in a care home - I would say take the breaks that you can, it’s usually a marathon not a sprint. Actually it’s more like an ultramarathon with no advance training, trainers that rub your feet and no hydration on the way.

If your DM has been discharged too early and without adequate care, this is more likely to get rectified if there isn’t an adult DC there picking up the pieces.

There are a finite number of family holidays with your DCs, this also matters.

Yikes! Sweetheart, we do get billed every day - twice. We pay a shitload of tax for ‘comprehensive healthcare’. Don’t you get paid? Thought so.

Family carers don’t. But do we pay again for private nursing cos the NHS doesn’t fancy it. And the ward staff are on sick for six months again.

Mate, too many people know how the system works now.

Your Aunt & Uncle have kindly agreed to help your parents

Under these circumstances, please go & enjoy your holiday with your DH & childten

BTW ensure that you claim attendance allowance seperately for each of your parents. It is not means tested.

Apply here

https://www.gov.uk/attendance-allowance

Hello. Sorry for being AWOL but I am in France. We decided to not change any plans at all, thanks to my aunt and uncle who have been absolutely fantastic over the last few days.
Quick update and to answer questions.
I have already put Attendance Allowance in place for Dad because Mum was looking after him. When I get home, I will apply for the same for Mum.
I already have Power of Attorney for everything, for both parents.

Mum was discharged this morning with an ICT (Intermediate care team) which consists of 2 visits a day to help with washing, dressing, breakfast in the morning, taking tablets (am), evening meal and getting undressed for bed (pm). Plus the OT is visiting this week.
Anyway, she should have this support until 1st September apparently.

The carer (private) for Dad started yesterday (Monday). It was a bit chaotic to begin with according to my aunt who was at the house when the carer arrived and there was a lack of communication re. what tasks should be done but I am sure it will settle down.

So they will have 4 visits a day between them. This might drive them nuts as they have always been so very independent but we shall see. I did ask my aunt to ensure that my mum doesn't try and discourage the care visits. It's the sort of thing she would do as she would much prefer to manage. Frankly I don't think they have been managing at all.

We are having a lovely time. I have had some phone calls, made calls to hospital and the care company and lots of text messages. I have spoken to mum and dad and sent lots of photos. I know they are pleased I am on holiday and my aunt has been an absolute star. I do feel a little guilty but there is so much care in place now, and my family don't have to traipse to the hospital to ensure my mum gets to see my dad that actually, I feel it would have been crazy not to go (of course only with my aunt and uncle could I have gone).

But yes, it is just the beginning and I know that there will still be visits to my parents by my aunt and uncle this week but at least they will not be responsible for looking after them or ensuring they take their medication, or have lunch.

Thank you for all the advice and supportive words. It is comforting to hear from those who have been in similar circumstances and encouraged me to go. Sorry you're going through or have been through the same. @rookiemere 's allusion to an ultramarathon seems apt.

I am so glad you managed to get away, and actually perhaps it was better you were away when your DM was first discharged and the carers arrived so they couldn’t say @Stillwearingskinnieswill sort it out for us.

When you do get back, I would put loads of emphasis on how relieved you were the carers were there so you were able to get away, and how good it is that carers come to the house and give them all the help they need. The care won’t be perfect- it rarely is - but what is important is ot takes (some of ) the heavy lifting away.

So glad to hear you've got away. Have a lovely time! Hope the channel tunnel wasn't too bad either!

Thanks @Ineffable23
The channel tunnel was manageable, with my lovely DC distracting me by playing games with me and teaching me how to play Mario on the DS. They are the best.

Sounds like you help a lot and a holiday means you will have a break before having to go back to the chaos. Go, recharge your batteries and rest a bit. Everyone deserves rest when they do so much for others. You shouldn't feel guilty cause generally you are doing your best.

@Stillwearingskinnies

I am so glad that you are taking the trip. Your Aunt and Uncle are stars.

It will be chaotic at the start. We have been through this when dad was discharged after his fall in 2024. The funded care package was staffed by a succession of different carers who never really got used to Dad. We had to self fund once their package ran out. We kept the same team for mum (no family living nearby) once Dad passed away (having caught COVID while in hospital trying to sort out his swollen limbs @Supersimkin7). We told her it was a 30 minute welfare check twice daily. Over time the visits got longer. She has now fallen several times and is in a care home.

I am telling you that so you know what to expect. In fact when mum was being discharged after one of her hospital stays, we turned down the free package of care and self funded the necessary four visits a day because we could not face trying to organize a new set of carers.

Also I would agree with the need for self care. Mum never wanted to go into a residential setting, but it was the only option. We had everything we could in place - the four visits, neighbors helping with shopping, a cleaner and cameras.

We could not get mum to go to bed at the last carer visit of the day and she refused to stay in her chair between visits so she just was not safe (that was the dementia). It is a pity because she had a good set of carers at home. My blood pressure was through the roof during all this. Now she is in the home my blood pressure is back to normal.

God bless your aunt.