Is this lack of communication normal when a parent moves to respite care?

[Ghostlyglow]

My partner's dad has been discharged from hospital to respite care today. The lack of information is really concerning me and I don't know if it's usual or not. Can anyone with similar experiences help? He will be self funding but nobody has asked about money. My partner was given the name of the care home and that's it.
Nobody has contacted him to say his dad's OK or anything. They haven't asked for any clothes or anything - he's just gone there with the stuff he had in hospital with him.My partner is reluctant to "interfere" as he puts it but it just doesn't seem right to me. It's not my dad so there's not much I can actually do but I'm concerned.
Does anyone know if this is how things usually go?

It's not unusual. From the hospital perspective they are done and dusted; from the perspective of the home unless someone has told them otherwise he could just be someone with no family who are interested in his welfare; or they are busy settling him in tonight and will ring tomorrow if they have time. What's his mental capacity?

Is your partner the person the hospital/home would see as his "next of kin" - does he have health POA, was he asking questions when his dad was in hospital?

If I were your partner I'd ring the home to establish contact, if thats what your partner wants.

Thank you. He is an only child and the only other family is his mum. So not next of kin, but he (and I) have been dealing with everything because his mum doesn't feel capable (this is a whole other issue which I won't go into 😆). My partner has financial POA so obviously he will be organising paying for it so I kind of expected someone to contact him about this at least.
I know it's not actually my dad and so not my business but my partner has insisted I be very involved - going to hospital every day, looking after his mum etc. so I can't help but be concerned. His dad's mental capacity is, I would say limited. He is not really able to answer questions (well he just agrees with everything).

In some circumstances people are discharged for six weeks physio/reablement care which I believe is nhs funded.

is the placement permanent?

That's shit practice from the care home.
Someone needs to be giving the home details about him ...likes, dislikes, family history, things that are important to him. It's way more than just who is paying the bill.

No it isn't NHS funded. It used to be, apparently. He had some respite care a few weeks ago and returned home. We looked it up on the Internet and believed it would be NHS funded but we're later told this info is out of date and my partner has a bill to pay for that stay.

I agree actually. Maybe they will ring tomorrow but I think there should have been far more communication. For example my partner's dad is vegetarian and it was difficult enough getting the hospital to feed him properly.
It's obviously not my business or my place to interfere here but I can't help but worry.

My experience of communication from my mum’s three nursing homes was uniformly dreadful, in that there wasn’t any. At all.

I found it truly weird. I couldn’t make it out tbh. Nobody ever rang me unless there was a very specific thing they’d clearly been told they had to let me know about (falls or the Covid vaccine). On these calls they would say their spiel without drawing breath and then pretty much not acknowledge anything else I said - if I was lucky I might get a yes or no to any other question, and it would be a toss up whether the thing I’d asked about happened.

No emails. You’d think email didn’t exist. Apart from constant email from head office wanting Google reviews, natch. After Mum left one home I had a couple of email exchanges with the finance person. Perfectly helpful but I’d never spoken to them before and if I ever rang I couldn’t speak to them. The receptionists never ever seemed to know where anyone was or even their names.

If I was in the home nobody would ever come to find me, even if something important had happened. I was told AFTER the effect - angrily - by one of the carers that mum had run out of T-shirts (because clothes always walk) but it was a week or two after it had happened and after I had ordered more clothes.

The only thing that worked was just muscling in - going to sit in the managers office or the nurses station. They always looked mildly shocked or upset and I was truly sorry about that but there was literally no other way. They still didn’t CHAT or give me any ‘feel’ for how mum was.

If they employed a middle aged woman called Emma who knew all the residents, the families and the processes and would proactively stay in touch with people, they would get their bloody Google reviews and all the other stuff they want. But that’s too expensive isnt it.

In desperation I took biscuits for the staff every single week. Not trying to bribe but just to make some kind of relationship. Nothing.

Based on mine and others experience, I think the only other helpful thing is to go every day, at least for a patch of time. I think my FIL did eventually find that MIL’s home team talked to him but he did go EVERY day, was assertive and also it was the best (and most expensive) home out there. I don’t think they think you care, if you’re not there every day. God forbid you have a job, a family or other responsibilities.

I wouldn’t hold back on getting involved if you think it could possibly help.

I think it’s up to your DP to be proactive. He needs to be the one contacting the care home, not vice versa.

I agree with this. Phone now. Make sure they know about him being vegetarian. In my experience, homes and very good when you phone them.

This doesn't surprise me @PermanentTemporary but it's just shocking really. I can't really get too involved at the moment because this is my partner's dad and I really don't want or need all this to become my responsibility (I know this is selfish, but I just will not do it right now) even though it's taking a lot not to just take over!

@Soontobe60 I think that too tbh but he has decided not to and I have to respect that right now

Absolutely fair enough @Ghostlyglow and it is always noticeable to me who asks this stuff on MN and who is NOT here asking questions. 💐

The hospital have told him which nursing home his parent is going to and will, quite reasonably, expect your DP now to contact the home. I don't understand why he hasn't done that. As the arrangements seem to have been made by the hospital, it's possible that the nursing home don't even have contact details for your DP - he needs to make contact.

The arrangement was made by social services. The hospital said the care home would contact him.

Fair enough but given how poor communication is usually with hospital staff - even when you're right there in front of them - I would still contact the nursing home myself - even just to introduce myself, make sure they had the correct information, and ask if they needed anything more from me.

@Ghostlyglow i'm not sure what to say really

If he is self funding, why were the arrangements made by social services? I suspect that's where your communication gap is. The care home probably think they have to communicate directly with social services.

I had a complicated situation with my mum in respite care. The hospital kept saying that social care would sort it if I just left it a couple of days. She was also self funding.

I was happier with me being in charge rather than social services. In fact I think some private care homes won't deal with social services at all?

they asked me loads of questions because they are aware that hospital records can be pretty dire.

Anyway, I found the care home incredibly helpful but I was there when mum was assessed in the hospital, I was there when mum was taken to the care home. But I know from talking to other others with the same experience, sometimes they get so many calls they find it annoying.

If you can physically get to the care home and introduce yourself, that will help

Have you seen the care home and is it nice? I do sometimes wonder if we were just really lucky with the staff.

mum's been in respite care twice, the second time she went in from home and I had had a nervous breakdown looking after her, so someone else dealt with that admissions bit and that person also said that the care home seemed very nice and went over and above what they needed to do.

I wouldn't be surprised if you suddenly just get an invoice in the post.

@Seeingadistance fair enough but, as I said, not my dad. I'm reluctant to put myself forward so as not to get everything put onto me 😅

I think all I would say to him is that nothing bad will happen if he contacts the home.

Im afraid I’d be a little bit more harsh and tell him ‘he’s your father, ring the home and bloody well find out what’s going on!’

He shouldn't be paying the bill personally. The swd need to do a financial assessment of his dad and see what he has to pay. So unless your partner can access his dad's bank account with his poa the don't pay it.

I agree - not your dad not your responsibility.

However, I do think that your DP's unwillingness to engage with the nursing home isn't normal. The exception being if he has a poor relationship with his dad which means that he is low or no contact with him. Communication with hospital, social care services and nursing homes can be poor - so not hearing from the nursing home would be within the bounds of "normal" but clearly not ideal. Which is why it's generally better for family members to take a lead or at least be equal partners in communication.

Maybe he could ring them? I would have gone in with stuff by now, spoken to the admin regarding funding and spoke to care staff so they could learn a bit about him.

Your partner was ‘only’ given the name of the care home as that is all he needs. It’s up to him to follow up on that not sit and wait.

Didn't you go to the home when he was moved to make sure he was settled in and had everything he needed? I would have thought making sure he was OK in his new surroundings was the family's responsibility.