Is this lack of communication normal when a parent moves to respite care?

[Ghostlyglow]

My partner's dad has been discharged from hospital to respite care today. The lack of information is really concerning me and I don't know if it's usual or not. Can anyone with similar experiences help? He will be self funding but nobody has asked about money. My partner was given the name of the care home and that's it.
Nobody has contacted him to say his dad's OK or anything. They haven't asked for any clothes or anything - he's just gone there with the stuff he had in hospital with him.My partner is reluctant to "interfere" as he puts it but it just doesn't seem right to me. It's not my dad so there's not much I can actually do but I'm concerned.
Does anyone know if this is how things usually go?

I wasn't being critical of them.

I don't yell.

For me, the normal things would be a family member would help with transition to hospital to care home. Make sure they are settled in, filling in the home on likes/dislikes/routines, take in comfy clothes (with name labels), toiletries, a few small bits from home to make it familiar, a tin of biscuits and sweets (or similar) plus provide a radio and maybe something to read or audio books. Why has nobody been to see him or made contact??

As others have said, no the situation is not normal. What is not normal is your partner not picking up the phone to speak to the care home.

You understandably do not want to get involved because it is not your dad, so leave your (useless sounding) partner to deal/fail to deal with it.

My mother was in a care home and so was my MIL. I dealt with everything for my own mother, and my OH dealt with everything for MIL. I didn’t get involved with MIL’s care at all, in fact I couldn’t even tell you the name of her care home.

Yes, this is bizarre. When my MIL was moved from hospital to respite care, my SIL was there within an hour of her mum's transfer. And if she hadn't been able to, I would have (my DH died, before anyone says 'why not your DH?)

Your DH seems to be playing chicken with the care home. Who's going to crack first? When what really matters is his dad's welfare.

While you're all arguing about whose role it is to call, this poor man is in an unfamiliar place, unwell, and with no-one knowing anything about him.

I would have cracked long ago (not that I'd have needed to as my late DH would have been there like a shot, had he still been with us).

OP, has your partner or his mother been in contact with the nursing home yet, or visited their DF/DH?

Yes DP and I have been there.

Your partner needs to get off his arse and contact the care home, ask how his dad is, bring him some clothes etc. I can’t understand why your partner isn’t more proactive and making sure his dad is ok.

Perhaps you should. Do you not recognise how utterly dreadful he is being? A really nasty little person. How can you have any respect as a partner with someone like that?

I'm grateful for the attention this post has got and for the responses. I haven't posted on here for ages, although I was here all the time at one point in my life.
Thanks very much to those of you who answered my questions, I genuinely did not know anything about this sort of situation.
I have my own opinions of my partner's behaviour here (and his mother's) but I really don't want to get distracted by discussing that. Ultimately there's an elderly and confused man at the centre of this, even though he's not actually my dad, and I want to get things clear in my head about what should be happening (and, I admit it, what would be normal behaviour from him and his family)
Thanks again all. I feel like I know a little more now, and I would love any more information or opinions - but mainly actual experiences.

I would expect the care home to be setting up a care plan for DP’s father, and to do that, they need to speak to DP. DP needs to be proactive in this, otherwise the care home are not going to know for instance, that the father is a vegetarian - the staff could well be offering him non vegetarian food. I would suggest DP does an inventory of the father’s clothes, incontinence products (if applicable) and other personal possessions. Any or all of them could go missing?

MIL was moved to a care home after a hospital stay. I don’t recall the care home discussing the care plan with DH, so the staff were offering MIL, food and drink she couldn’t stand and wouldn’t eat in any circumstances. The family had to supply her incontinence pants, and every time, the staff moved her to another room, all her packs of pants in the bottom of the wardrobe disappeared. We could find her in clothes, that weren’t hers. There was a tv in her room ,but no remote, so she couldn’t use it - we had to go out and buy her a remote. DP shouldn’t expect care staff to use their initiative - they have to advocate for their father.

I was advised by someone with more experience than me of the elderly in care homes, that if relatives make themselves visible to the care staff, their loved one and the other residents are likely to get better care.

DD1 is in a care home. Her care plan is over 50 pages long - her diagnoses, a pen portrait of her; then it goes through the stages of an ordinary day with what she can do herself and when she needs help, like with getting up and dressed, breakfast, bathing, lunch, dinner, supper, bedtime; then her vision, hearing, mobility, moving and handling needs, food likes and dislikes, activities she enjoys, etc. I don’t know that a care home for the elderly would have such a long care plan, but I’d expect it to cover the basics?

Does your DH not realise that only half of his parents savings should be used to pay for his DFs care?

I honestly don't know. I've suggested to him that he seeks financial advice. He hasn't yet. I don't see it happening. I can't force him.

Thank you @LathkillDale that's really good information.

Age UK are excellent at this stuff. They have an advice line that you or your dad can call.

When I needed advice re my mum, the person on the other end was so helpful. It's like she had all the time in the world for me. And she followed up with some booklets that spelled everything out clearly.

I get that people don't read posts thoroughly, but this isn't about my dad -he died in 1992. Part of the whole point of this post is that it's not my dad.
Thanks anyway

I can answer this - the Care Act 2014 does not exclude self funders - they are just as entitled to hospital discharge processes as everyone rose - so an assessment of needs etc. POC are not an uncommon outcome for self funders with eligible needs - we help self funders with eligible needs source services all the time

So your DH is just sitting back and waiting for the home to contact him? How odd!

They will assume he’s not interested.

What does DH “insisting” you are very involved in ILS care look like? I don’t like the sound of him tbh.

OP - you say he’s a self funder so did the social services do a financial assessment? They should have done. With couples only half of anything ‘joint’ can be counted for threshold purposes (which iirc is £23,500). Your partner or his mother should have had a copy of the card and support assessment which should include a financial assessment - it’s a legal requirement that a copy of this is given.

Apologies. I knew it isn't your dad and I had already made other posts about your partner's role in this. But I clearly had a brain blip in the post you quoted.

My advice is still the same for whoever in the family needs information about the finances for the respite care. Age UK is excellent.

While it may be, nobody can afford to buy a whole new wardrobe, going into a care home; but going forward, get DP to buy their father cheap, comfortable clothes like jogging bottoms, t shirts or polo tops, etc, because they are easier for the staff to take off; and nice clothes may get ruined in the 60 degrees c washes and tumble driers, care homes may use for hygiene reasons.

It depends how confused DP’s father is, but a photo album of the family may be nice to make him feel at home.

It seems on MN that some people think, if their loved one goes into a care home, that’s it - they will be taken care of, and are off their hands. Unfortunately, that’s not true ime. For a start, relatives need to buy new clothes and toiletries from time to time and administer the finances. In DD1’s case, I give the care home, a chunk of money from her benefits for toiletries, icecreams, books, whatever she wants within reason, when she’s out in the community. We get her clothes and make big purchases like a new tv for her room. The care plan should be reviewed after the first six weeks, and at least annually thereafter. If the loved one does not have mental capacity, there may be quite a few best interests decisions to be made.

For instance with DD1, it’s agreed she’s under audio and video monitoring, when she’s in her bedroom alone (for a life threatening condition). There’s the question of whether she has capacity to spend her own money in shops, etc (yes, she does); or can she go online safely (no, she has no idea what she could get into)?

Each of my parents ended up in a care home, one from hospital and one from home. Both times, one or other sibling was present frequently. On day one we supplied a little folder with their immediate family tree (with mugshots), brief lists of preferences, latest medical info, property list, contact details including LPA, ‘do not resuscitate’ and living will copies. I doubt the staff had time to read most of it, if at all, but still. We were in and out with anything they needed, and helped the staff where we could. We did all their financial admin and set up TV, phone etc. We were explicit that if they felt we were interfering, the staff could tell us to back off or, alternatively, to do more. We were all working full time and lived between three hours and thirty-six hours journey away. In our case we had (a) total sense of commitment, (b) supportive families of our own, and (c) consistently good family relations all round (meaning able to resolve disagreements rather than to avoid them). We often worried we’d become a nuisance, and tried not to get under the staff’s feet. Most were happy to be open about what they wanted from us. Flexible working, family support, good relationships and no money worries made a difference for us. None of it was plain sailing - transport delays, dementia, bowel accidents, staff run off their feet, policies and procedures to learn. I’m just rambling really, but I do hope things can improve for you, OP. I think your sense that their actual child (your DP) has primary responsibility is correct. They seem to lack the sense of commitment that others often have. Different family dynamics perhaps.

Thank you for this.
I've actually bought clothes of the type you suggest and toiletries too, so hopefully that is taken care of for now.
I know it makes me sound awful but I'm trying not to be the person who does everything (not my dad etc.....) and often I get so frustrated that I just take over and do stuff anyway 😅
Thanks though, some interesting and useful info

Do label all his clothes! It's very easy for clothes to be lost when they're laundered. And of course it makes like very difficult for the staff to reunite residents with their freshly washed clothes if they aren't name labelled.