Is this lack of communication normal when a parent moves to respite care?

[Ghostlyglow]

My partner's dad has been discharged from hospital to respite care today. The lack of information is really concerning me and I don't know if it's usual or not. Can anyone with similar experiences help? He will be self funding but nobody has asked about money. My partner was given the name of the care home and that's it.
Nobody has contacted him to say his dad's OK or anything. They haven't asked for any clothes or anything - he's just gone there with the stuff he had in hospital with him.My partner is reluctant to "interfere" as he puts it but it just doesn't seem right to me. It's not my dad so there's not much I can actually do but I'm concerned.
Does anyone know if this is how things usually go?

I’m not getting the best impression of your partner as either a partner or a son from what you write. Pay close attention OP. This is the type of care and attention that you can expect from him if you’re ever vulnerable.

This, if your partner is poa of course it’s their responsibility to make contact!
did he and his dad have a good relationship?

No emails. You’d think email didn’t exist.

A member of staff at a care home once told me they are not allowed to email because it's so easy to make a mistake in the address and the email, which might contain personal information, goes to the wrong person.

Why is your DP being so passive? He should ring the home and ask how his dad is doing, whether he needs anything, whether he can visit, whether they know he's vegetarian, etc. Just because your DP has been told the name of the care home they may not have his details or know the family situation. It is always better to pick up the phone in these situations, not just sit at home fretting and waiting for it to ring.

Are you sure they haven't been in touch with his wife? You said she is NoK.

A home doesn't have a marketing director... Most staff are overworked and on a low pay working 24/7 in a high need enviroment.
Most homes have a high turn over of staff.
Your DH need to be up front.

Exactly , she would be the point of contact .
They aren’t divorced I take it ?

No they haven't @thedevilinablackdress but she doesn't really take much interest in his care. When they had carers coming into the home she took no part in it, or interest.
Yes, before anyone says anything, I think that's kind of odd but that's how it is. She's decided she can't look after him because she is too ill and frail (although Drs are called regularly and can find nothing wrong with her) and this is one major reason why her husband has had to be put in a home.

Oh I know 😅 @EvelynBeatrice but that's just how he is.

It's kind of how he is @zurigo but I just wanted other people's experiences if that was possible so I could figure things out in my head. I really don't want to be the person who sorts everything out and I know he would like me to (he talks about everything to do with it as "us" and "we") and I don't really think I should be expected to be his parent's carer and also sort out all the admin and I'm so stressed by it all and last time it got to me and I was upset I just got yelled at so I just trying to see if it is normal.
My parents are both dead and it was not long and drawn out like it seems to be with his so I don't have the experience. I'm sorry if I appear selfish.

But @chirrupybird why should I have to do that when it's not my parent? They would be perfectly within their rights at the home to ask who on earth I was surely? It's not my responsibility and I'm sorry if that makes me the bad person.

Reenablement care should still be funded:

https://www.nhs.uk/social-care-and-support/care-after-a-hospital-stay/care-to-support-recovery-after-leaving-hospital-or-after-a-fall-injury-or-illness/

Your partner is being rubbish. Usually a family member is there to help with the transition from hospital to the home. Waiting for people to tell you stuff when they are actually the ones doing the stuff is lazy and uninvolved. Not pointing this at you by the way… but your partner can’t be arsed to pick up the phone let alone visit? Unless there’s a massive drip feed coming as to why he can’t then he just comes off as not caring.

@Arlanymor i just wanted to know if other people had similar experiences. I don't really have anyone to talk to. The reason is that it's how he is 🤷🏼‍♀️ I would understand if you were "pointing the finger" btw because I feel guilty myself and wonder if I'm just selfish but I don't see why I should do everything and just take over, even though I probably should. Both my parents are dead (and didn't have this sort of situation) but I'm really sure that he wouldn't have stepped up for me. I already feel like I'm doing too much tbh but I don't like to see people struggle.

I think it probably only applies when the hospital deem it essential. My partner's dad's wife insists he should not go home (and did previously also). So he has to go into care. If you have had any experience of this recently you will know that it's all geared to sending them home from hospital to be cared for there. According to the hospital he could be cared for at home so I guess this is why it has to be paid for.
(for what it's worth, I actually think he could be at home but not my decision)

But as you say, not your parent and you can't be responsible for making your partner do the right thing, that is NOT on you my love. But put it this way, my dad had emergency surgery a few months back - he was admitted via A&E and I got the call when I was having an eye test. I couldn't drive because I had that dye in my eyes that made me look like a serial killer with mad pupils... I got the train... it took six bloody hours because of railway replacement buses. But I got there, made sure he was comfortable. Went back the next day in my mum's car to give him extra bits he realised he wanted after and to see him before the operation. Then we both went back to get him the next day. I know people have complicated relationships with their parents and maybe I am luckier than most that I love mine, but no way would they leave hospital without me there if I could be there. Would take heaven and earth for me not to be there. Leaving hospital for older people can be very confusing and difficult - and that's if they are going back to their usual residence. If it were me and my partner were behaving in this way (I think his excuse for not calling is fairly pathetic if I am honest) then I would really be reconsidering my relationship with him. You shouldn't have to do everything, he could do the bare minimum... and he's not, is he?

Late DH had a period in residential care after a hospital stay. He got it funded, I think for a month. I couldn't have him home as I was dealing with my mother's death the other side of the country. But yes, he should have clothes from home. I made sure he had enough soap, toothpaste etc. Home didn't contact me, think I rang a couple of times and visited when I could. He really enjoyed it.

I think your partner is taking a very passive approach to this. Care homes have a million and one things to do. Most don’t get time for a cup of tea and wee let alone spending time ringing around trying to find a relative of their new arrival. Lots of people end up in care homes as they have no family or family that take no interest. If your partner wants some involvement he needs to be proactive and ask for updates, provide them with information about his dad’s preferences and build a relationship. Otherwise carers will just assume the family aren’t interested crack on with their jobs.

its not you who appears selfish.

Honestly your DP sounds utterly useless. How hard is it for him to at least pick up the phone and ask the care home if his DF is there and if he is settling in ok. I had to move both my DPs to a care home earlier this year and DH and I are there often, making sure they have toothpaste, clothes and gluten free biscuits for DM. I often have to advocate to make sure they are getting regular chiropody treatments etc. I feel very sorry for those residents with few visitors as I don’t know how they get these things sorted.

FWIW DH has been a great help with my DPs and as he is retired, goes to visit them each week on top of my visits. But that’s because he wants to, not because I forced him. I totally understand your reluctance to take control of the situation and it feels like there is some deep rooted misogyny there that he expects you to do it.

I am a little confused on the finances- I assume DF will pay for his own care , not yourselves if a bill does arise ? Care homes are ludicrously expensive ( considering DPs seems mostly staffed by minimum wage staff who speak poor English and don’t seem to want to be there).

His dad is self funding. They have some savings (not much by any means, but above the threshold, and a house). DP has financial POA - which is complicated in itself for all kinds of reasons that I won't go into 😆 but my partner will be actually dealing with paying the bills but paying it out of his parents funds. It is expensive yes £1250 a week at this home - the money will run out, sooner if his mother needs to go into a home at some point . I don't know what happens then

Has your partner been to the hospital and visited him and talked with the staff?

I don’t understand why you think it’s shocking that they haven’t communicated. Maybe they don’t have the contact info, or maybe they are surprised (or not) that no-one has been in touch and maybe they are just busy caring for the residents. But if you/your DP don’t make any effort to be in touch I think it’s not a helpful attitude towards the care home to start off critical.

My experience was that we didn’t always agree with the care home staff but overall it was good. We found email useful, partly because we were all working so couldn’t take calls much.

I don’t understand why you think it’s shocking that they haven’t communicated. Maybe they don’t have the contact info, or maybe they are surprised (or not) that no-one has been in touch and maybe they are just busy caring for the residents. But if you/your DP don’t make any effort to be in touch I think it’s not a helpful attitude towards the care home to start off critical.

My experience was that we didn’t always agree with the care home staff but overall it was good. We found email useful, partly because we were all working so couldn’t take calls much.

Why on earth haven’t you yelled at him to phone the care home! What an utterly selfish stupid man. You realise if you fall ill later in life this is how he’ll be? How can you stand to be with such a man.