Just to feel sad about the long slow mental and physical decline of old age?

[mids2019]

Just had Christmas with one elderly relative invite e and it just struck me as cruel life is slowly drained from people as they enter a period of slowly but inevitable physical and mental decline.

This Christmas said relative are a small portion of Christmas lunch and then excuse himself to watch TV with sporadic engagement with the family. I think he's trying but there is just a real feeling that makes her given up. The combined impact of deteriorating physical and cognitive health has made him check out of life; there is no spark. It is just sad to see this; it's death in extrene slow motion and there is no right (if you can fight these things).

Are there exxamples of good old ages as I think just in my little sphere old age has brought only sadness :(

How old is your relative?
I recall this behavior from my dad as his dementia was kicking in. He made no effort - as if he couldn't see the point. The truth was he was finding interaction increasingly hard. He'd been a sociable, bright man who thrived on company, and this just slipped away. He eventually lost the power of speech.
Sorry if my reply depresses you further. But all I can advise is to continue being kind and keep including your relative unless it causes distress. Hugs and hand holds are great for older people. I think they get fewer and miss physical contact.

Two things I remember…old age is no place for wimps…because it can be tough. And the words of the bible and a Judy Collins song…for every thing there is a season.

I guess.

The strange thing is I don't think this is dementia unless it is very early onset. I think it's more a psychological ennui. He is a widower and that had not him like a train really and removed a lot of his reason for fulfilled existence. He drinks too much but is never overtly drunk and wallows in nostalgia. The really sad part is there is no optimism for the future. It's gone.

Are there exxamples of good old ages as I think just in my little sphere old age has brought only sadness Lots of good examples! David Attenburgh, Maggie Smith, Judi Dench …

Friend of mine, having just completed 200 marathons, has decided at 83 to drop to half marathons.

Another group of friends having all through their 70s done volunteer work in the hills and spent their spare time on cave exploration, are now in their 80s and showing no sign of stopping.

My father, who was actively volunteering until his early 90s. He’s now bed-bound, but his needs are less, and he’s happy to be warm and comfortable and well-fed.

See if you can persuade your elderly relative to check her hearing. It often starts as loss of high frequencies, so the world is as noisy as ever, but you can’t hear s and t and similar sounds, so speech sounds mumbled and it’s just too much effort to follow conversation, easier to tune out.

I think there are the elderly that actively pursue a healthy lifestyle and do engage with activities and the community. I think the grim reality is that the elderly man in question does not want to (and to be fair his health is declining).

Is the pursuit of an active old age similar to fighting a disease? Old age is inevitable but I think there is a huge range of approaches to it. I think once melnacholia takes hold its a real struggle.

I think that too many people allow themselves to drift into old age senility and disability. There is no reason that today’s 70 and 80 year olds to be unaware of the problems caused by not keeping their minds and bodies active.

There is a laziness about it and a dependency to rely on other people. There is quite a difference in outcome if you put an effort into getting well when you are in your 70s. There are many who despite disability and pain manage to enjoy their life. These are selfless people who are still helping others, making the effort to keep in touch with friends and relatives. Doing limited exercise of mind and body. Very few people can put senility or disability off for ever, but you have a duty to make the journey there as fulfilling as you can.

I hope no one thinks I am elderly bashing because I am elderly myself.

Aging is a series of losses until only the breath of life is left to lose. How one copes through the losses is genetic, cultural, personal. He has every right to withdraw from a life he now probably finds dull, lacking in meaning.

Think of it like holidays. You've just arrived at the amazing destination, are full of enthusiasm to discover and enjoy what is there.

His holiday is over, and is now heading towards the airport alone.

I scuba dive and travel with lots of older people (70+) who are physically and mentally thriving. My family all seemed to decide at about 60 that they were old and incapable and stopped doing things, and became progressively less able to do things and more withdrawn from the world. While illness can strike anyone I definitely think staying active and not giving up helps x

You are thinking of healthy and fit older people. Many of us (I am in my seventies) have medical issues that tend to increase as we age, and these can be a barrier to staying active. It's not laziness, it's the body wearing out.

Looking at my parents I agree! It’s sad to see. As soon as they retired in their mid sixties they really changed. The were ‘too old’ to do much socialising and their world got smaller and smaller. This was accelerated during covid tbh. They gave up maintaining their house so that’s become a wreck and now DM is housebound and often asleep. She can be in good spirits at times but it’s pitiful to see. DF is in hospital with a range of issues and he has no fight in him anymore. They’re only mid 70’s.

Gosh that is young to be like that, sad.

It varies hugely from person to person. Mum, late 90s, was cooking for us the night before she died. She did eat and drink tiny portions, but loved her food and was the life and soul of the party.

She once said to me that we - her family - were her life's work; and I knew she loved us all deeply and had great relationships with us. I suspect that interest in the younger generations kept her mentally sparky right till the end.

But also she was in very good physical shape - very little arthritis, loved being out in the garden, eyesight good enough for reading, hearing terrible but we were willing to shout.

My mil behaved like this. We later found out she had Parkinsons, which affects dopamine levels and mimics dementia in many ways.

My dad is 93 and we are currently on a cruise with him. He is having to deal with extreme deafness and frailty, but what keeps him going is having something to look forward to. My mum will have to start planning their next holiday as soon as they get back to keep him happy.. it worries me what will happen to his mental state when he can't go anymore.

Very accurate post.

When was he widowed? The sense of having no purpose after you lose your partner goes on for a lot longer than you might think and is hard to shake off.

I'd also be inclined to ask him gently about his hearing. If he normally lives alone he may be totally unaware of any change. Dealing with groups of people if you don't hear well can be daunting and is certainly exhausting. Poor hearing alone would put someone off being more socially active, that on top of widowhood would put me right off.

I made a conscious effort to find the sort of activities that suited my poor hearing/don't like big groups/don't want to make a regular commitment preferences and eventually it paid off, but it wasn't easy. Maybe if you can help him think about it logically you might find a spark of interest in something.

My MIL is in this predicament. Mind still pretty active, but the body is giving up and she lost lots of her confidence about going places during lockdown. She says old age is no fun and I know how miserable she feels. Walking has become difficult, incontinence is an issue, she can no longer drive. She is a prisoner in her flat due to health issues (mental and physical).

As we already know, so much of how long you are able to stay fit, active and compus mentis is hereditary. And the posts on here claiming old age decline is the elderly person's fault are so wrong. I hope that the assisted dying bill not only goes through, but gets widened before I reach this stage, so I can say when the quality has gone from my life, I wish to die now - and to be able to do it, just like that.

I was not. Depression is not something you can stave off once it takes hold. I think that it is very hard dealing with declining ability. The op asked for examples of a good old age. I do believe that it is our duty to limit its effect by working on ourselves while we are still fit. There is something to be said for not affecting everyone around you. Ask for help where ever you can. When people ask you how you are, I don’t think you need to give a list of ailments or things you cannot do.

I feel that this generation of unhealthy eaters and overweight people are storing huge problems for themselves in old age

Im like this. Well, I basically stopped drinking but the ennui. I’m not old, I’m just sad.

I spent Xmas with my mom who is now 88. She has a hard time relating to our lives and tends to withdraw as a result but I was very surprised on the other hand to hear her speak on the phone with an AI agent my brother booked for her. There, she was engaged, asking questions as if she were on gooogle. Less stress maybe, I don't know. I'll ask him what service this was.

It must be hard, losing people around you; friends, spouse, siblings. That alone might bring you down and disengage you.
But at the risk of repeating myself, OP describes my dad's early months of dementia very well. At the time we didn't realise that was what was happening. We were in denial. How could one of the brightest and most energetic people we knew have dementia? But that indeed was what it was.

I sense a lot of blaming in this thread - people who don't look after themselves. Maybe they eat too much or exercise too little. Old age (from what I've observed) is hard. And much of what happens is down to luck or lack of it.

And of course it scares us too. If auntie x can fall victim, then what are my chances...? Is the question we silently ask ourselves

@Lillixyng

you sound extremely judgmental- and like you’ve had an empathy bypass.

People come in all shapes and sizes with different personalities.

Wouldn’t it all be sooo easy if we all did x and then y happened.

I think that last post was in partly in response to what I posted. I am happy to defend myself. I was answering in context to the last part of the post. “Are there any examples of good old age?” I was trying to say, but not very articulately, that there are some steps that can be taken to reduce or delay the effects.

I am sorry if anyone thought I was blaming. The poster seemed to be feeling down by the fact the she and those around her will suffer in old age. Yes, some will of course but it definitely is not a certainty.

Ageing is a bit of a crapshoot.

One of my old Uni Professors is still volunteering in a charity bookshop in his 90s.
A local runner is still up and about (albeit his best is now a keen brisk walk) at 94.
A local lady let me have the quinces from her garden and got stuck in with me to pick them, again at 94.
So some people do get lucky.
But you can only make your own luck stretch so far. I have friends 10 years older still running marathons & longer, I find 10k a stretch now. Arthritis and a couple of bouts of COVID :/ But I bought a bike... You have to play the hand you're dealt.

Yes it is emotionally hard to deal with, really sad to see this happen to my parents. But, as an audiologist I also feel sad about the comments that seem to accept the limitations of age-related hearing loss which affects about 70% of people over 70, and more once you get older. Hearing aids don’t help absolutely everyone in every situation, take a bit more getting used to than glasses and need to be worn consistently to get the benefit, BUT the tech has really come on, for many people NHS and private are small and comfortable to wear and for most people I see they make a really significant difference.

Every week someone tells me we’ve given them their life back and they can’t believe they waited so long. So it’s worth encouraging people to get their hearing checked and do something about it, as hearing aids help many people.

I thought similar about my 87 year old dad yesterday. He is still quite active and joins in the conversation ( although hearing is poor) but could see he had had enough of the younger family members banter after a couple of hours and took himself off home. He is thinner and more stooped each time we see him. He lost my mum about 15 years ago very suddenly and I think his real zest for life really was lost then. I was cross at my tactless 23 year old son asking my dad at the dinner table yesterday in front of everyone what he had been up to etc when he knows my dad's world is so small. My dad made some comment about life shrinking at his age and it being very lonely. None of my four kids even bother to text him or visit him and my brother and his family are 100 miles away. If it weren't for me and dh he would not see anyone except for the neighbours who watch out for each other.
I also visit a lot of elderly people as part of my job to fill out disability forms for them and it is overwhelmingly depressing to have to listen to them say how awful their lives are as their health declines and to see so many very old people trying to look after even older and poorlier spouses often with no help or respite. Heartbreaking.