Just to feel sad about the long slow mental and physical decline of old age?

[mids2019]

Just had Christmas with one elderly relative invite e and it just struck me as cruel life is slowly drained from people as they enter a period of slowly but inevitable physical and mental decline.

This Christmas said relative are a small portion of Christmas lunch and then excuse himself to watch TV with sporadic engagement with the family. I think he's trying but there is just a real feeling that makes her given up. The combined impact of deteriorating physical and cognitive health has made him check out of life; there is no spark. It is just sad to see this; it's death in extrene slow motion and there is no right (if you can fight these things).

Are there exxamples of good old ages as I think just in my little sphere old age has brought only sadness :(

It’s not inevitable and there are lots of things that an individual can do to keep mentally and physically healthy. Walking 10,000 steps a day for example , cuts your risk of dementia by 50%.

But it also strikes me that perhaps you might be projecting your own interpretation of this person’s “cruel” life onto them? Perhaps they just had had enough to eat, felt tired, and were comfortable and relaxed just chilling in front of the TV? Making conversation and big family occasions can be tiring.

I remember when I was very very pregnant right near giving birth, there was a phase where I kind of went “inside” myself more. I was quite dazed and dreamy and just not interested in making chat with other people, feeling called to sit quietly in my thoughts instead. People were concerned and thought there was something wrong. But I felt fine, content and peaceful actually, just wanted to remove myself from the chatter and “be”.

I wonder if it might get a bit like that at the end of life. Perhaps the things people used to enjoy no longer bring such pleasure, but they might be quite happy and peaceful in what they are doing and maybe we just need to allow them space to be as they wish to be, without putting a judgement on it.

I don't think this is necessarily the case. My mum (now 89) started learning Mandarin Chinese in her eighties, has just published a book does pilates and art classes and goes everywhere on her mobility scooter

I meant to recommend the book “Good Energy”by Casey means

And social services guidelines for caring for elderly people feel it is a perfectly acceptable mode of life to spend your entire life in one room with a commode for company. No help to get you out and about, have a social life or hobbies

I think there are things you can do to keep yourself 'younger for longer' but a lot of it is down to luck.
We are told 'Socialise, eat well, keep physically fit, don't get overweight, don't drink or smoke, etc'.

Unfortunately the two members of my family diagnosed with Alzheimer's in their early 70s had done precisely that!
This meant their cognitive decline went on for bloody ages & was particularly brutal as their bodies were too damn healthy.

I had another family member that was formally diagnosed with dementia at 91 & was dead by 92.
He had also lived the 'correct' life yet had had at least 15 years more of decent quality life than his younger sister.
My father is now succumbing to the disease at 83 after decades of hard drinking but again has had 10 years longer of decent quality than his healthy living older sister.

They're the first generation to all be affected by dementia in my family.

This ...,

Disagree most strongly
@BeaTwix sounds like they've totally the 'measure' of the situation and sounds like a 'no nonsense, let's get this sorted ' sort of person - the type to get the job done.
Relative or client , I bet they get the job done.

Exactly - I know 2 ladies of the same age- 89 who could not be more different.
Both widowed

One retired many years ago stays in most of the time - stubborn as mule
Very few friends- middle aged daughter , duty visits only.

The other one worked until 4 years ago , does all her own cleaning- house is immaculate , lots of friends.
Devoted son (happily married) who would do anything for her , all with a great sense of humour.

Both these ladies still drive.

It's down to luck in a lot of cases. My ndn is in her late eighties, smokes like a train and seems to live on bacon sandwiches and Doritos. Uses a walking frame because her hip is shot, but mentally she's very sharp. Dementia is largely genetic I think, though alcohol, stroke and diabetes contribute to some types.

The truth is that people do not want to hear the truth. I cared for 3 relatives well into their 90s. Each of them did their best to keep healthy and their minds active. I did feel empathy for them but would have felt less so had they disregarded all the advice they were given. That does not mean my care of them would have been any different.

I have met so many people who are so frustrated at caring for people who won’t listen. Although the elderly people themselves are carrying a great burden it is such hard work for their relatives. My retirement years were given up to caring for them damaging my own health in the process .Sacrifice is an emotive word but that is what I see all around me by my own generation and those following.

I also witness those elderly people who are making their own sacrifices. Giving up their home, employing carers and out sourcing jobs to prevent over use of relatives.

You are doing brilliant and your relative is very lucky to have
I knew from your pp you'd be this pro active.
Ignore the judgement. (Clueless)
It's pointless sugar coating anything
Doesn't help or change a thing.
I can't work out how you related to the lady who masterminded her trip to Russia , but I can tell you're related.
Way to go!

@Boffle

Absolutely. You only have to read some threads on MN where the smugness shines through. "I eat well and exercise so that won't happen to me" .

In other words blaming people for ill health. Yes I know obesity, sedentary lifestyle and poor diet lead to ill health, but it's perfectly possible to do everything right and still end up with cancer or some degenerative

Nobody said it wasn't
You could get run over a bus today
(My mum died cancer in her early 40's )
But you may as well stack the dice.
Come to think of it - she ate poorly- drank , smoked a bit, didn't exercise - she just didn't look after herself- would it have made a difference?
Wouldn't have helped.
Guess we'll never know

How long ago did his wife die? Maybe its grief? Xmas can be hard

I was thinking the same this Christmas.

My dad is in a care home with Alzheimer's. My mum (divorced from my dad for a long time, so not connected) has no spark left - almost like she has just given up. They are both late 70's.

My mum doesn't bother getting out of bed most days.

I hate to admit it but I am starting to resent my mum for seemingly choosing to do this even though she knows how stressful things have been caring for my dad for years and, just as he is settled in his care home, she takes to her bed.

In contrast, her own mother still looked after us grandchildren for weeks at a time in the school holidays into her 80's. She doesn't even speak to my DC, it's like everything is just too much effort. She just wants to sit there and be looked after - by us, of course. I feel it is selfish as she is aware of how hard it has been with Dad (but he was completely oblivious - she has her faculties).

I can't actually keep doing this.

I really feel for you, it is absolutely soul destroying.❤️

@RosesAndHellebores
What an incredible life your grandmother led.
I bet you loved her very much
My dh's beloved grandmother had Alzheimer's.
It is a horrible disease, so I'm not unsympathetic, but people should not use this example, not to look after themselves.
And your grandmother would not have changed a thing had she known how it all ended.

@Dementiadad

I can empathise with that.

On my case there is alcohol involved and I assume the drinking is due to boredom mixed with unresolved grief.

I think in terms of healthy living he might have crossed the Rubicon in terms of getting healthy again.

A worry now is his self care. Another relative visited and the living room was full of unwaged plates and glasses. It appears he often sleeps downstairs (alcohol aided :(. ). The lifestyle really seems to suggest the simple 'giving up'. These are not suicidal thoughts but a conscious decision to not facilitate a lengthy old age. There also seems now a refusal to engage with the NHS for a range of morbidities.

@MereDintofPandiculation

And social services guidelines for caring for elderly people feel it is a perfectly acceptable mode of life to spend your entire life in one room with a commode for company. No help to get you out and about, have a social life or hobbies
**^^^
That's horrifying.....that's akin tying a dog up next to a kennel and a bowl of water ......which most agree is inhumane

@Lillixyng

I also witness those elderly people who are making their own sacrifices. Giving up their home, employing carers and out sourcing jobs to prevent over use of relatives.

^^^^

You less of this ......I hope that will be me. ... it will be me.
Was only telling my son , that when the time comes I don't want him to have to look after me , at the detriment of his own family/ life.

There was alcohol involved with my dad too - his Alzheimer's meant he wasn't able to just stick to one or two drinks as he would forget how much he had or even realise that he was drinking at 9am (his local Wetherspoon opened at 8am!). My dad always slept, fully clothed, on his sofa. Rarely showered and had to be forced into clean clothes. He had an infection in his foot caused by poor hygiene that landed him in hospital.

He would only eat if you put food in front of him. He had food hidden all over his house.

It is true that neglecting yourself would not lead to social services intervening. My dad was in an awful state despite our best efforts and having carers in daily. He was constantly being picked up by the police/ being helped by strangers. In the end he was hospitalised after getting lost and falling but the hospital social worker wouldn't release him home.

This was a totally different thing to him just deciding to give up on life - in fact he was quite happy (even though he was causing us immense stress). Even now, he has more get up and go in the care home than my mum decomposing at home.

@BigSilly whoa!! That's some woman!! Way to go

@Dementiadad

I am sorry to hear that.

The lack of self care rings home but I do not think (?) it is dementia yet one problem is getting him to engage with a GP to diagnose possibly a few illnesses.

I think you could map symptoms onto severe clinical depression if you could discount dementia. One thing is to trying to determine how much of his lifestyle is down to mental health and how due to old age cognitive decline (Maybe a bit of both?)

In terms of getting help we are going to have to persuade him to allow cleaners in (it can luckily be afforded). He had refused cleaners before so that's the next mission.......

Oh I think she would. She'd have likely shot herself whilst she had sufficient capability.

@Dementiadad
Trigger warning

I meant she would have still led the same life - to the full.
I actually had a relative who did that as the cancer progressed - blew their brains out .... best friend found them - can understand them doing it - just maybe planned it bit better.

My DM died age early 70s from cancer that should have killed her a decade before.

Compared to those that I have seen be physically fit but have severe dementia for years I think I would prefer the way my DM went.

Having no DC I am acutely aware that my old age might be difficult to navigate with little help but then also realise that life is too short to not enjoy myself whilst I still have my health.

I think it is mostly down to luck and the draw of the genes on how old age affects each one of us and whilst we can help a bit by lifestyle I do think a lot of it is out of our control.

Old age can be shit but the alternative is death. I just hope the dice rolls in my favour.