Just to feel sad about the long slow mental and physical decline of old age?

[mids2019]

Just had Christmas with one elderly relative invite e and it just struck me as cruel life is slowly drained from people as they enter a period of slowly but inevitable physical and mental decline.

This Christmas said relative are a small portion of Christmas lunch and then excuse himself to watch TV with sporadic engagement with the family. I think he's trying but there is just a real feeling that makes her given up. The combined impact of deteriorating physical and cognitive health has made him check out of life; there is no spark. It is just sad to see this; it's death in extrene slow motion and there is no right (if you can fight these things).

Are there exxamples of good old ages as I think just in my little sphere old age has brought only sadness :(

I think many old people lose the ability to keep up with a table full of people chatting and laughing, but are very well able to engage one on one in a quieter environment.

Aging is a privilege in many ways and I would rather die old than die too young. That said having been a nurse for many years I do appreciate that frailty is hard but then so is dying before you hit it.

it is a lottery on what old age will bring you. Some are luckier than others. This reminds me of when I was manning a charity stall with my Uncle. He iwas an amputee from the WW11.
He was in a lot of pain from Arthritis in his back. He was cheerfully chatting to everyone when a mutual friend appeared. After chatting to Uncle, she said “you are lucky because you don’t let your disability get you down”.

Without missing a beat he said, “You are right, I am lucky. It is because I was born in the 30s. We were. Always cold, always hungry, never had shoes or a coat and never knew when we would be thrown out by the landlord. That sort of childhood really helps you to be resilient “.

It went totally over her head.

I feel that this generation of unhealthy eaters and overweight people are storing huge problems for themselves in old age

Judgmental much.

The elderly people I know who've aged "well" seem to have made an effort to mix with a wide range of people of different ages and backgrounds. That means they're not solely reliant on a same age group for a social life. Yes, they will have seen friends become ill and die but those aren't their only friends.

It's also more reciprocal. The older person who is kind, interested and welcoming to you as a new mum struggling with a baby or the student wondering what to do with their life, becomes the elderly person who has visitors and people who notice they're not there at an activity. And that means the load of visiting is shared out.

Being relatively well off must help too. Many of the 80+ year olds I know who volunteer are well enough off to have always had cleaners, not think twice about paying for a taxi and could afford to buy good quality ready prepared food (or to eat out). And probably private healthcare too.

@mugglewump "And the posts on here claiming old age decline is the elderly person's fault are so wrong."

yes. They are very wrong. Whole thread seems weird in fact. Or some people think we have way more control over our health than we actually do.

Didn't have this with my parents, thankfully, apart from the last 3 months of DMs life when she had all but given up.
Similarly DMIL, now in late 90's and still living independently, is very much interested in life, current affairs etc and enjoys the company of others immensely.

By contrast, my 2 best friends both have parents with little interest in life. They hardly bother eating unless someone else has prepared it for them, even though they are capable, preferring to eat biscuits and cake as a meal replacement.
One of them has, as yet undiagnosed, dementia. Both my friends find it physically and mentally draining trying to keep their parents going and I don't think either friend found Christmas Day enjoyable at all sadly.

Yes there are things you can do, but no amount of healthy eating and socialising can protect you if and when ill health strikes.
My poor dad had parkinsons and dementia and prior to that he was sociable, fit and healthy. None of it helped him in the end...although I suppose he did have more visitors than some other people might have

Often down to simply not having the right hearing aid. I find it amazing that we all accept having to wear glasses but not hearing aids. It's a strange stigma. Or reluctance.

My dad is 92. He was brilliant up until COVID hit ..going swimming and to the gym twice a week. He had my mum then too. She was 84 and he 88 in 2020. Mum had a big operation for lung cancer in 2020 and he saw her through that. In 2022 she suddenly deteriorated with neurological secondaries and died 10 weeks after my wedding. He has deteriorated so much and last year developed epilepsy. He has had 3 seizures the most recent Christmas eve and he's still recovering in hospital. Quite confused but improving. But a huge change in 2 years from being very fit.
My FIL is 97 I thought he was pretty frail compared to my dad when I first met him 6 years ago. But he is getting on fine. My dad is 2.5 hours away and I'm really struggling with things just now.

I’d imagine that the PP who noticed a family pattern of ‘giving up’ in their 60s might actually be seeing some sort of hereditary and slowly progressive health problem with an earlier than expected onset.

My vigorous, fit and energetic mother slumped into depression and apathy in her early 70s, and it turned out this was due to congestive heart failure (which all the women in her family have died of in their 80s). Your heart being too weak to sustain your basic bodily functions means there’s nothing left over for ‘extras’ like fun and enjoyment and concentration. She’s on all the right meds - including antidepressants - but it is a progressive condition and will just get slowly worse.

She tells me now that she just wishes she didn’t have to wake up in the mornings. She experiences no pleasure or excitement in life anymore. It’s very sad.

Some people do struggle in noise more than others though. Hearing aids definitely worth a shot but one on one is still easier for some people if there are problems with auditory processing, which is common with aging. I think hearing aids are becoming more acceptable as they have improved. Also we fit a lot to people in their sixties and seventies who have seen their parents struggle without them and want to get used to them while it’s easier to take on board new things.

@VoltaireMittyDream that is sad at that age. But some of these ages mentioned in this thread are very good ages indeed - 92, 87 for instance. We ought to expect most people at these ages will be slower cognitively and physically. None of my parents or in laws got close to their mid eighties. So I see that degree of longevity and think - crikey that's good going!

@Annoyingthescammers yes, DH has been fitted with aids at the age of 63. Runs marathons and is physically fit as a flea. But could feel his declining hearing affecting him in certain situations. I applaud his decision - based on concern about dementia risk factors I think.

It's depressing to watch. My mother was a social butterfly and very active physically and mentally until her early 80s when her health went downhill. She never lost her mental alertness but was utterly miserable at her body letting her down and preventing her from doing what she wanted.
She had me at 24 so I look down the barrel at that in my future and dread it.

My mum was in terrific shape until about 80. My dad was still driving and playing bridge aged 88 despite his cigar habit, though he was slowly declining for the previous decade. That's not bad is it? Is it worth trying to think of it as a soft landing rather than a crash?

I work with elderly people in my job, and the most common answer I get to my nosy questions is 'I'm not worrying about anything at all'. I meet 90+ year olds who've been living alone and doing well every week, and some get back there even with major health events. I do think your perspective can change as you age and the small pleasures can become bigger in your life.

MIL is physically and mentally fit at 87. All her life she has adored dinner parties and gatherings, loved to sit at table debating issues of the day, playing parlour games, talking nonsense and getting up for a little jig.
To see the effects of loss of sight and hearing on her makes me want to cry sometimes, I can see the exact moment that she decides 'oh I can't be bothered trying to follow what's going on' and it's very sad.

Put aside money to get those cataracts dealt with at earliest opportunity and invest in the very best hearing aids as soon as.

@ParsnipPuree my FIL is 85 and off with us to Vienna for 5 days at the weekend. He's definitely prone to needing daytime naps and takes awhile to get out the house etc and easily gets annoyed at modern life but on the other side he's still fun, very kind, not mean and totally'all there'. He's just sold up and buying a bungalow in a funky town because he likes to see 'a bit of life' even if he doesn't want to join in much - he walks a couple of miles a day , uses banking apps and WhatsApp etc and still cooks and cleans and is immaculate -

@rightoguvnor I'm so sorry- she sounds fab -

There are definitely attitudes to ageing.

I care for an older person but they act like they are 20 years older. Cognitively things aren't right now but until recently they were fine.

They've got absolutely no get up and go at all. Barely reads or watches TV. Too lazy to put music on ("oh I lost the remote control"). Doesn't even bother to ask anything about my life. Conversation is really difficult as they don't do anything to talk about and aren't interested in anything I've done, nor do they know anything about current affairs or politics which would historically have been talked about. It's hard going.

Doesn't engage with their friends so ends up sitting in the house instead of going to social stuff that I know happens.

At home they sits back and let other people do everything for them - they have a carer to prep meals and until recently this was totally unnecessary as they were imminently capable of doing it themselves just too lazy to microwave something.

Their mother who died in their 90s was still incredibly active (at the same age they are now masterminded the most amazing trip into communist russia for themselves and another couple). The thought of them sitting back and letting people make a cup of tea without a fight in their house is hilarious.

Yet that's just what their daughter does. Sit around like a bit fat sad fart.

It's tough watching your parents get old and frail. Covid in my opinion has a lot to answer for. Both my parents were shielding and ultimately this resulted in a long term lack of confidence and dented their social life.

@BeaTwix

wowzers - you really don’t like ‘caring’ for this person! Is this a relative or your job?

If it’s your job - maybe you need to look for a different one 🙁

Wow.
Do you 'care' professionally or for a 'loved one'? My use of quotation marks is very deliberate

@nervouslandlord but in all fairness there are lots of people on the elderly parents thread commenting on the same - at no point has @Bea Twix said this lady has any physical ailments though - however the lady she talks about does sound maybe depressed -

@nervouslandlord My DH has also had hearing aids fitted at the age of 62. His hearing has been in decline for years, but he was in denial. It was only when he read that there's a possible link between hearing loss not corrected by hearing aids and dementia, that he took himself off to the GP for a referral to audiology.