Just to feel sad about the long slow mental and physical decline of old age?

[mids2019]

Just had Christmas with one elderly relative invite e and it just struck me as cruel life is slowly drained from people as they enter a period of slowly but inevitable physical and mental decline.

This Christmas said relative are a small portion of Christmas lunch and then excuse himself to watch TV with sporadic engagement with the family. I think he's trying but there is just a real feeling that makes her given up. The combined impact of deteriorating physical and cognitive health has made him check out of life; there is no spark. It is just sad to see this; it's death in extrene slow motion and there is no right (if you can fight these things).

Are there exxamples of good old ages as I think just in my little sphere old age has brought only sadness :(

Yes It is judging people that ignore all the evidence of how to live a healthier and happy old age. I make no apology for it. I only wish I could influence the people I love to take their health seriously before it is too late. Instead, countless people are depending on others to pick up the pieces for them.

i don’t nag them but privately i do judge them.

If you do find out about that AI agent @Maxime66, i would be grateful if you would post a link. My MIL is housebound but very mentally agile. It might be something that would appeal to her, thank you xx

I just called him to find out (Christmas time, he was at home!). It is called in touch and he sent me the link to the site: intouch.family/. He explained to me that the AI agent calls everyday and you get alerts or updates via the app. I haven't tried it myself but he has, all good it seems.

He also said something about you being able to write messages and the AI agent reads them on the phone and sends you the answers or something like this.

Let me know how this works for your MIL!

Or some people think we have way more control over our health than we actually do.

I think many people choose to think this because it allows them to pretend they can avoid illness and ensure a vibrant old age. If you work in a hospital it is much harder to believe - genetics and bad luck can come for anyone.

Not judgemental....facing facts

Thanks all for judging.

This is a relative.

They did fuck all to help care for their parents, or my parents - she didn't even visit my Mum who was meant to be her "best friend" when she stuck in hospital for months during her final illness, then ignored my grieving father for months on end. Never popped in to see him. Let alone offered to cook him dinner.

Then she made a major fuck up of all the admin associated with her husbands dementia (again, we offered to help) and rather than ask for help asked to borrow money to pay his nursing home fees. Now all she does is sit around waiting for me to organise their life. I'm the only relative left who really does anything as everyone else is so pissed off about their lack of consideration/ thoughtless behaviour.

I've been in touch with their GP about dementia or depression. They say they don't have either.

I make sure they have food, people that come in and keep their house clean, and do the laundry and tidy up. I look after their finances and have sorted out a tonne of house repairs since I took over the finances that they hadn't managed to do for the last forty years. I've sorted out more community based OAP activities. I've encouraged them back to choir post Covid. I've helped them sort out old person PT to get them exercising and hopefully better able/more confident to get out and about. I got their landline reconnected after BT digital- voiced it. I provide tech support when they loose important apps from the TV, iPad or their phone all of which takes forever as I live a long distance away.

I also pick up the pieces of stuff we suggested they do or offered to do when it was easy e.g sell their car when they couldn't drive. But they blocked it. So now I need to organise the removal of a non mobile car from a difficult to access garage down a very narrow access lane. Marvellous.

So yes I probably sound like a bitch. But I'm still here doing stuff. We've spoken twice today. Feel free to judge away. But actually I think I'm doing a pretty damn good job in the circumstances.

I didn’t judge @BeaTwix, even from your first post this person sounds incredibly trying and yes, lazy. I’m sure they’ve always been like it, just more accentuated as they’ve got older and I’m sure it’s a thankless task caring for them, but you do and that is admirable.

Absolutely. You only have to read some threads on MN where the smugness shines through. "I eat well and exercise so that won't happen to me" .

In other words blaming people for ill health. Yes I know obesity, sedentary lifestyle and poor diet lead to ill health, but it's perfectly possible to do everything right and still end up with cancer or some degenerative disease.

My parents both died in their late 80s. DF was ready to go by the last couple of months of his life - it turned out he was nearing death but none of us knew it. DM never mentioned dying, and even though she was in a care home and had mild dementia she seemed to think she would live forever. She also never referred to herself as elderly. Both parents enjoyed life, health issues aside, and were social. My friend's aunt recently turned 102, still lives alone and is in very good health.

Old age doesn't have to be a trial unless your health is really bad. My 80 year old neighbour and I go out walking for an hour or more in the evenings over summer, and I would say she is fitter than I am at 65. Recently I have been surprised when a couple of people have told me they are around 80, when I would have taken them for early 70s, and people in their 90s when I've thought them a good 10 years younger.

So yes, OP, there are good examples of old age, but of course it is partly down to luck with their health, and also their attitude makes a big difference.

@BeaTwix I would feel totally as you do in all honesty

My father has dementia and lives with us. He's very late stage 5 or early stage 6.

He didn't obviously get Christmas although he went with the flow. He is awake more with the family around but his sleep has been disturbed by it too. Presents he had flickers of understanding plus a great deal of confusion. He's eaten well but, unless he is ill, he always does. He's enjoyed a hot toddie or two and one trip out for a family walk and a pub stop (the pub were amazing - making sure we had an accessible and suitable table as soon as they saw him, without comment).

I think there's a mix of dementia and frailty issues going on. It's really difficult to know exactly but, as every person is different, it's easier not to bother so much about "why" and worry more about whats going on here and now .

I think there's a lot of magical thinking in some people that if they only do this and this they will be young and fit forever.

One of my neighbours will turn 100 next year. She still lives independently but has carers and family members visit every day. Up until 97 she didn’t need much help at all. I think the key to her positive ageing was staying engaged with the community after her husband died. She went to church, volunteered, attended meetings with a senior citizen group.

My friend’s parents are 87 and 90 and they live independently. On Christmas Day the 90 year old played the piano for the family gathering and the 87 yr old led the carol singing. They are active and engaged.

My mum was great until 85 but she gradually became overwhelmed with anxiety and ignored minor health concerns until they became debilitating. She now lives in a care home at 89. Most drs are amazed at how few actual health issues she has but she would prefer to sit in a chair and ‘be looked after’.

I agree. Lovely post.
My grandma died at 80 odd , but gardened , walked, rode a bike , baked , help with housework, while my parents worked , almost up to the end.
She always did stuff and socialised - occasionally played the organ in church.

@olderbutwiser
Your mum sounds amazing

I thought your post were brilliant and bang on.....I have a lot of experience in this area.
Too many examples which would back up your post.
Some folk stay inside their homes from dawn till dusk just watching tv.
Some people don't eat a single vegetable

But true.
Why bury your head in the sand.
Good health is a gift to be cherished
Anyone can pop out for a daily 20 minute ( I talking about Heathy Younger people )
Avoid smoking , overeating( not at Christmas)
Alcohol abuse / drugs
Drink plenty of water and get to bed at night.
Reduce stress.
All these things affect your health and this will show up in later life.

Really interesting thread and thank you for the replies.

I think there is an element of feeling people have a duty to rage against the dying light by participating in community events and doing as much exercise as possible. Death is inevitable but we should be doing our utmost to live until then.

However in this case I really think there is a deeply ingrained depression that sadly it looks very difficult to counter.

I thinks it's widowerhood that is the hardest thing to address and I think the family agree this is the root cause. The death of a life partner must have an immense psychological and possibly physical impact.

I don't know, it's really difficult, but part of me feels there has to be a kind of respect for a decision to move into this state as life seems to offer less and less as times goes on. A lack of spirit should be sign of weakness or even cowardice at the onset of decline. Maybe these are overly negative musings.

That's not what's being said
Eventually, doesn't matter what you do , old age and death will get you in the end.
But some people age better than others
And when you ask why the same things are true for these people ( allowing for the random few who don't fit the mould )
They keep going , they still get out there and do things , they have things in their lives, they embrace life , they have friends and just get on with it.
Yes some are luckier than others.
No one is saying :
You've led a bad life you deserve all that's coming to you.
It's Christmas'Good will to all men'
But what we are saying is , if you can , try to look after health when you can, for as long as you can, because it will pay dividend and here , it would appear, to be a few tried and tested things , that have worked for others.

I have no optimism for the future. I thought it was a rational response to what’s happening in the world.

A friend of my mother’s lost interest in the world and took to her bed.

@ohtowinthelottery
Good to hear about your mil.
Brilliant

@Lillixyng in some cases but not all. My grandmother ran the family farm and business during the war years, which included several tied cottages and payrolls. She was an accomplished horse woman (related businesses), drove a car before the war and many a tractor. She worked until she was 72.

She was a quiet but very intelligent and well read woman and spent time at her London home until she was in her early 70s.

Then the early alzheimers started, it was memory and repetition at first. Which worsened, then forgetting how to cook and make a cup of tea, accusations of theft against my dgf and mother. She went out to the shops until about 75 and then needed help because she forgot what she went for or the way home. Shortly after she forgot who we were.

The breaking point was when two policemen brought her home in her nighty at 2am.

To give grandad a break she started to go to respite at a local nursing home two days a week and it wasn't long before she started escaping/wandering out.

The next stage was two weeks in five in a geriatric specialist MH hospital. At that stage she was still walking, endlessly, and could feed herself and drink from a cup.

When she was 81 she was given a place at a specialist nursing home. When she arrived she was still mobile and could feed herself. She was a strong fit woman who barely drank and never smoked. She had no underlying illnesses. No illnesses, no arthritis, no heart conditions, etc.

Her illness continued for another 4.5 years. Not many people actually die from Alzheimers, most die with it. She lived for 4.5 years because mother and grandad ensured there were daily visits. Mother did her hair and her nails and they spent time with her. She forgot how to walk first, doubly incontinent of course because that is forgotten too, then they forget hunger and thirst and how to eat and drink. She drank from a sippy cup with help in the last 18 months and was fed pureed food because they forget how to chew. In the last stages they forget how to swallow.

For the last year she had a special vibrating bed, bought by the family, to prevent bed sores. When she died she was 4.5 stone, aged nearly 86. She lived due to the devotion of her family and her original strength.

Had she seen an animal suffer as she suffered she'd have shot it.

Having read that story, do forgive me fir disagreeing with you. People often have no agency over their decline and death and others need an empathy transplant to be decent.

Maybe as a PP suggested, people are scared? “It won’t happen to me because I eat well and exercise”

Maybe there’s a simpler explanation. When you live alone, socialising can be overwhelming and exhausting. If your hearing is poor (as per many elderly people) sitting round a table having a conversation can be very hard work. Maybe he’d just depleted his social battery and wanted to take himself off to sit in a comfy chair and have some peace and quiet. (Dining chairs are murder on the back for long periods!)

Older people eat and sleep less because they don’t need the same amount of calories as younger, active people. It’s a natural progression. We all get old and slow down. It’s not a tragedy, it’s how it should be. We’ve had our “turn” of being fun and lively, and now we’re enjoying a nice rest!