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Elderly parents
Original poster

FIL about to move in😳

78 replies

Eastl · 20/10/2024 10:19

Hello. FIL luckily survived a heart attack with a stent but obv can’t look after his bed bound wife any more.
he needs to move in with us while they find a house near us.
im very nervous-DH at work, so the majority will fall to me. He’s OK, but there’s only so many hours I can listen to his memories, he is getting forgetful. It will also impact teenage son- so I need to somehow handle that so son doesn’t hide in his room/ feel pushed out. And I don’t go mad. I’m looking for classes etc he can do, as don’t want him to feel a burden/ useless
any tips please! ?!

OP posts:
Cosmosforbreakfast · 20/10/2024 10:46

Who will be looking after FIL's bed bound wife while he stays with you? Why is your husband not taking time off and just leaving it all to you?

Chowtime · 20/10/2024 10:48

Why can't they have carers come in?

You will regret him coming to live with you. It's not as simple and easy as you think.

Chillisintheair · 20/10/2024 10:48

Even if they find a house near you who is going to be looking after the bed bound wife?

crumblingschools · 20/10/2024 10:51

So who looks after bed bound wife, if he is getting forgetful who is going to look after him?

SilverChampagne · 20/10/2024 10:53

Him moving out anywhere away from his bed bound wife seems to be an issue??

Thelondonone · 20/10/2024 10:53

You are being a mug and I think will regret this. It’s a huge commitment. All I can advise is to get him in sheltered housing asap or he could be with you for the next 20 years-is that what you want?

twilightcafe · 20/10/2024 10:54

This will be your life.

To be blunt - you've been had.

Noted how your husband has dumped the care of HIS parents onto you.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/10/2024 10:55

Call this whole thing off now re FIL before he moves in.

He moving in with you (where is his wife going to be?) will help no-one in the long run and you will also be run ragged in the process.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/10/2024 10:57

Your DH has indeed dumped his father's care needs onto you and you will never be able to meet those. Given their needs care home places for them both would likely be more suitable.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/10/2024 11:01

Where will this man sleep in your home?. What will he do of a day?. What sort of a personality does he have?.

Family life as you know it currently will not be the same going forward and your son may well feel pushed out by his grandad.

betterangels · 20/10/2024 11:02

AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/10/2024 10:55

Call this whole thing off now re FIL before he moves in.

He moving in with you (where is his wife going to be?) will help no-one in the long run and you will also be run ragged in the process.

And possibly jeopardise your marriage in the process. This sounds like throwing a hand grenade into your relationship.

And yes, where is the MIL in the meantime? What if they don't actually get a house 'because living with you is going so well?'

TheShellBeach · 20/10/2024 11:08

Prioritise your son.

Do not let your husband's father move in.

Definitely don't become his carer.

You will bitterly regret this if you do let him move in with you.

binkie163 · 20/10/2024 14:01

Once he is ensconced on your sofa good luck. Having room service, laundry service, cleaner, cook and company all day he will become a permanent fixture. Unless he lacks capacity he should be sorting this out and a care home for mil. He may not want to be a burden but already is! This has shit show, misery and resentment written all over it.

doodleZ1 · 20/10/2024 15:03

Could he get a care package before he leaves the hospital so he stays in his own home? Is there still time to get this done or insist on some form of after hospital care for him as you are not near enough to help? Locally the NHS offer rehabilitation care or sometimes called “home from hospital care” for a few weeks at an nhs site to get the patient back to a better level of fitness. Is this an option? I agree with the others this will be really hard for you. Where does his wife fit in with this, where is she atm? If they are going to move close to you does that mean you become the default carer? My strong advice is to be the facilitator or organiser but not to be the hands on carer yourself and certainly not to move him in. My brother wanted me to move our mum in with us, (not him by the way) neither mum or brother wanted social services involved. Wouldn’t listen to me at all and he ended up doing her personal care and it could have all been avoided but neither of them wanted a care plan, just an “easy fix” that didn’t turn out so easy for either of them. Best of luck.

AnnaMagnani · 20/10/2024 15:08

Why does he have to move in with you?

Could he not be at home with MIL having carers? Or MIL goes into a care home while he is at home?

If FIL is 'getting forgetful' does he actually need checking for dementia? Will he actually be safe alone in any home?

I think you have a lot of questions to ask before taking this on.

TheShellBeach · 20/10/2024 17:40

If he's getting dementia it will of course get worse.
You'll then be stuck doing 24/7 care for him.

Startingagainandagain · 20/10/2024 18:00

Was this your husband's idea?

Because it sounds like you are the one being left to care for his father on your own.

I would say it is a bad idea to have him move in with you...

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 20/10/2024 18:04

Fuck that, they need to be in a residential setting. Who agreed to fil staying?

Crabwoman · 20/10/2024 18:13

If it's anything like a family situation I know of...

He'll move in.

The "house near us" won't materialise.

His health will go downhill, and he "doesn't like carers."

You'll end up his carer. You'll be run ragged doing this and meeting the needs of teenage son.

Marriage will suffer, resentment builds, and DH won't/can't understand what the problem is.

DelphiniumBlue · 20/10/2024 18:26

A teenage son, you say? Surely you need to work full time now. Dh will need to work out whether his dad will be OK by himself all day.
Maybe it makes more sense for FiL to rent a flat near you while he is looking for a house? Or a B&B?

ExcludedatfiveFML · 20/10/2024 19:03

Adding another voice to the chorus

Put a stop to this right now. You are going to end up a skivvy. This is potentially many years of your life.

Why do your husband and FIL feel entitled to your unpaid labour?

If you're not working I suggest getting a job, quick.

MidnightBlossom · 20/10/2024 19:10

No, no, no, no.

If he's already getting forgetful that means that his cognition is declining. Moving in with you is not going to help him because - honestly - it sounds as if he needs some care himself. Providing care to him now will increase and accelerate his care dependency - where currently he has none, or it's very limited.

That's not to say he should be left to get on with it - but you need to go into this with your eyes wide open. What are you going to do when moves in with you "temporarily" and it becomes apparent that actually needs regular help? Boot him out? There's is a real risk you end up with him permanently. That's fine, if you are happy to be a FT carer for your FIL, but it doesn't sound as if that's the case.

Where is your H in all of this?

unsync · 20/10/2024 19:29

Don't do it. What does his care assessment state his care needs are? As live-in carer for my remaining elderly parent, I can tell you that life as you know it will cease to exist. FIL won't slot into your family's rhythm, your family will revolve around his needs. If you value your relationship with your son, FIL and MIL need a better care solution.

ChimpanzeeThatMonkeyNews · 20/10/2024 19:32

The OP's husband is 'at work', i reckon. 🤨

Dropping a stick of dynamite into the house, pissing off to work, and letting his wife deal with the inevitable consequences.

MissMoneyFairy · 20/10/2024 19:33

Why is he moving in with you, he clearly struggled looking after mil, maybe she needs carers or a carehome instead.