FIL about to move in😳

[Eastl]

Hello. FIL luckily survived a heart attack with a stent but obv can’t look after his bed bound wife any more.
he needs to move in with us while they find a house near us.
im very nervous-DH at work, so the majority will fall to me. He’s OK, but there’s only so many hours I can listen to his memories, he is getting forgetful. It will also impact teenage son- so I need to somehow handle that so son doesn’t hide in his room/ feel pushed out. And I don’t go mad. I’m looking for classes etc he can do, as don’t want him to feel a burden/ useless
any tips please! ?!

Don't do it. You will end up his unpaid carer and you will not be included in his will or anything else. Worse than that other family members will have an opinion on how you run your own household going forward, what you eat, when you eat and it goes on and on. Your dc will not want their friends around and you wont get a minutes peace. You will be his new best friend and he will not respect your privacy. You will not have another private conversation. Even conversations about your own relationship and DC will be debated by everyone. This happened to me 3 years ago for 4 weeks and still living it now. Irreparable damage to marriage and family relationships.

Never fall into this trap.

What everyone else said, plus it'll be impossible then to get any help from social services as they'll happily assume you are doing it all and the only option will be to throw him out. Stop before it gets to that. It's unfair on your son.

For the love of god don't let him move in with you, it will absolutely destroy you.

Definitely don’t. Classes won’t help.

Op if you can't say no for yourself,please say it for your son. Your son WILL be negatively impacted by having a confused,possibly demanding elderly relative parachuted in,no matter how nice and old chap he is. It's a hard enough time with exams ect,without having to deal with the constant presence of an elderly chap there. Before you know it,your room temperatures,t.v. programmes,menu choices will all be changed to cater for him. And forget nights out or days away. Please,please don't do this.

I assume that MiL is in a care home, whilst he recovers from his operation and looks for a house nearer to you.
It will not be easy, but it can be done. You will, as you say, need to ensure your son has space for himself, and time with you. DH will also have to make sure all of the burden doesn't fall on you.

Do you all have an end date in mind for when he will be moving to his new house? Having that to look forward to and plan for might give you something to talk about . . .

So you weren't asked if you're ok with it? Or have I misread? It's your house too!

No No No - think of your family and your son. This will ruin your family life.

A lot of elderly parents that expect to be taken in usually never had their own parents or in-laws to live with them, neither would they have. Me and my partner lived in a holiday destination for a few years, both our sets of parents spent more time with us than they did at their own homes, that’s before we even get to the wider family. There was even a period of 5 or 6 months when his parents stayed with us, it’s the only time we ever had arguments.

When family invade your space, they are always fine, the couple they are invading, not so much, but they or anyone else in the wider family don’t care, as long as it’s not their problem.

Your husband won’t suffer the same way you do, he will be blind to his father being there because he grew up in the same house, you will not, we are never as comfortable around our in-laws as we are with our own. Same with my partner, he didn’t care his family were always in our space, I saw it very differently, even though I get on very well with them. Plus add to that that you will end up doing all the grunt work, you need to stop this or have an end in sight when he will be leaving, you also need your husband to sort all his care, listen to what everyone here has said, and good luck.

True my SIL is now saying she will come and stay in our house to give us a break. That's not a break it's one more person to feed and entertain. I can't get any time in my own space alone. It's not just tedious, it is ruining my family.

I'm really sorry you're living like this.

@betterangels Thank you I appreciate that because everyone else in my family said it's terrible right up until it happened and now they all support it. I have no voice, neither do my children.

It sounds really difficult. I hope you have friends who you can speak to

@Acornsoup 💐💐
I really feel for you.

@Harassedevictee thank you. I go to work for a break now

@Acornsoup did you not get a say in all of this and why does your sil or any of the others that think it’s a good idea, take your IL into their house to give you a break? 3 years, tbh I couldn’t cope with 3 weeks, everyone needs their own space. Take a look at the forum on the “agingcare” website. They give forthright advice to people in your situation.

@doodleZ1 I was asked my opinion at first and I said a hard no from me. My SIL loves it because I have to do the daughter work and she can just chime in when she's got the energy. mIL currently travels about twice a year to SILs for 3 weeks. This year Christmas and summer. It's not really a break for me if 2 of those weeks I'm on holiday and the third week either side I am packing/unpacking. SIL has no idea. I wouldn't let her look after a plant 🪴

NO.
😳

Please , please don't do this to yourself.

I actually name changed a few weeks ago to start a thread about this very situation but I never even managed to write it out I'm so defeated.

Its not just the cleaning / cooking/ care/ deferring to their needs and wants...
It's that they feel entitled to 24/7 companionship. IME when they start getting a bit confused they don't want to be left alone for a second.

I have to explain / apologise every time I leave the house, even to take the dc's anywhere. I'm constantly torn between prioritising fil/ dcs and so I'm always failing one of them.

The entitlement that causes them to think moving into your house is an appropriate solution will also mean they feel entitled to all your time/ energy/ attention.

It's like being in an abusive controlling relationship except you also have to wash them, clean their urine soaked sheets, keep track of all their hospital check ups etc.

Don't be me.

@Acornsoup if you are unhappy with this you need a conversation that it’s not working and alternatives need found, alternatives that don’t involve her being in your home. 3 years is a long time to have someone in your house that you dont want to be there and you didn’t agree to be there. Is your husband open to this conversation? In the mean time stop all so called daughter tasks and direct it all to her son or daughter. If you said a hard no to this, why did your MIL move in? How was this put to you at the time?

@doodleZ1 I have had the conversations many many times. It will not change. It's about inheritance which is apparently a bond that is stronger than a marriage or parenthood. DW options are being considered, ducks are gathering. Very disappointed in everyone on DHs side. My DC come first now.

Why did your FIL move in with you? Were you given a say in this? Was there an end date given? As you say it’s entitlement but you can stop this. You have a choice, you may not want the bad feeling but the choice is definitely yours. Tell them it’s not working for you and alternatives need to be found and you will help them move out but they ARE moving out. One question, did your FIL have his in-laws living with him, would he have accepted it himself? Then get your anger. I have a relative that looked after her mother when all the other siblings did nothing, other than making caustic comments on the sidelines. Her mum didn’t live with her but she did everything for her, including making and taking down meals to her mothers house, several times a day, every day. She told me that her adult daughters told her recently that they resented the time she was away looking after their gran as they felt she wasnt there much for them. Dont let this happen to you. Get your anger. Everyone needs their own space and I bet your FIL didn’t have his in-laws living with him.

Thank you everyone. acornsouo so sorry for you, and everyone else with this dilemma.
hes moved in now, there really was no where else while he recovers from hospital, looks for a house to buy.
am already irritated and grumpy!

I'm confused as to where MIL is/who's looking after her?

Oh! Sorry, they both moved miles away, so we had to quickly put MIL into a home there, while we got FIl out of hospital and here so he could be looked after and recover.

The plan is vaguely to move MIL into a home near us and for FIL to buy a house near us and DH will pop round with casseroles 🙄

The other plan is vaguely to buy a house near us that they can both live in and I, with carers can look after them. I’d get a salary and it would still be cheaper than a care home.

Both plans are, obviously, DHs.

all suggestions VERY welcome.

My plan atm is to get my passport.