FIL about to move in😳

[Eastl]

Hello. FIL luckily survived a heart attack with a stent but obv can’t look after his bed bound wife any more.
he needs to move in with us while they find a house near us.
im very nervous-DH at work, so the majority will fall to me. He’s OK, but there’s only so many hours I can listen to his memories, he is getting forgetful. It will also impact teenage son- so I need to somehow handle that so son doesn’t hide in his room/ feel pushed out. And I don’t go mad. I’m looking for classes etc he can do, as don’t want him to feel a burden/ useless
any tips please! ?!

Your husband certainly has bright ideas doesn't he? He must be doing very well at work. I can just imagine him there, allocating jobs to people who don't want them and where it's not their remit.

I think it will be much easier for you to find things for you to do outside the house rather than for your father-in-law to do.

Firstly don't become their carer. It's a 24/7 relentless task. It's a world of disturbed nights, wet beds, adult nappies and commodes. Carers are also v.expensive so cheap care from you will seem like an attractive option, to others at any rate. Here it's £35 an hour £40 weekends. Don't get suckered in.

She's in a home.

I'd leave - no chance would my husband delegate this to me.

@Eastl unfortunately I think now he's moved in it's going to be near impossible to get him out.
Do not become the ILs carer , there are agencies for that.
Although it's not your job, I'd be looking for sheltered housing for FIL and arranging a home nearby for MIL
If you don't it won't get done.
How DARE your husband put this on you.

Would he take a salary to look after HIS parents !?? No

Get your passport!

Oh OP, you sound pissed off already.

peachy😁that cheered me right up!
nitatinydancer thank you - I’d not thought about sheltered accommodation, I’ll look into it.
mrspeteharris what would you do though? Homes are insane - MIL is £4, 500 a month. Hcomoletely bedbound )
Tel12 I am a bit fed up already. He’s ok, it’s just the giving pills, little meals, finding x then y, taking him to wherever, and him suddenly appearing when I’m trying to do whatever.
can I charge him rent? Or £40 an hour? That’d already be quite a lot a day! Might suggest that to husband. Our heating bill will be insane.

chufters I am! And then I feel bad because I shouldn’t be! But he comes with a MIL SIL and DH who are all subsuming me.

I wonder if what they pay you is not going to be considered giving money away to avoid care home fees, when they come - better check that.unless you are a qualified carer.

Why is MIL in a home but FIL isn't? Could he not go to the same nursing home as MIL?

Oh dear, he is in now, you will not get him back out. Your husband and FIL obviously cut from the same cloth believing it is your job to do the drudgery. You are kinder than me, I wouldn't do it, not even for money, I value my time and sanity.

They see you as having Sucker written on your forehead and have no respect for you whatsoever.

I feel for your son in all this because he's been let down badly by his father too. He will no longer be able to regard your house as his sanctuary.

And your H's contribution is to bring around casseroles - I suppose you would have cooked those. What a Guy. You will continue to be subsumed by those who look to you to care for FIL. The house for him/them near you will never materialise. Your FIL may not fit the criteria for sheltered accommodation; he needs a care home and their property, if there is one, will now need to be sold.

Pat really? Offs.
18 toys they’d kill each other!

You've been had. Why couldn't he move in with his daughter.

Give your husband a time limit and tell him you're not his parents carer and he'll have to take time off work. Or you'll be moving out and leaving them all to it. You'll have to make him believe you're serious.

Personally I'd move out. Fuck that shit.

Thank you Attila and binky and gamer
His daughter lives in the US. She is coming over in Nov and for Xmas 🙄and is currently divorcing so she may have more time!
I am a bit resentful that she flies business and complains because she’s in an airport lounge with free champagne and she has a cold.
DH and I are both wary of doing it all then she inherits half.
DH used all his holiday driving back and forth and sorting stuff. 6 hours each way.
He does seem on it to buying FIL a house tbf. They have estate agents and it’s ready to photograph. Held up by FIL getting ill.
I agree re son being pushed out - I feel the same, in that by evening I’ve NO desire to silt in lounge and watch football / heartbeat with them.
I am keeping a time sheet as I really do think DH thinks I cease to exist/ lie around, in the day.
very good advice and warnings heeded - I’m just not sure what I can do atm.
I told DH even if we find a house super fast, it will still be months before it goes through. He seemed suprised .
I’m. Dry glad you are here, thank you!

Now he is in, it will be a case of managing the situation.
Do not accept any payment for looking after him/ as then everyone will see everything as your responsibility as "she's being paid for it".
Set up boundaries- when I was looking after Mil I said right from the start I didn't do nappies- I could empty the commode, but no way was I taking on incontinence pants and the cleaning afterwards.
Likewise washing- I would help her into the bathroom, but would not actually wash her.
The district nurses helped us set up regular visits from carers who delt with all the personal care.

You will need personal space- do you have space for a separate sitting room /office so you can escape and have some privacy?

Is there a local day care center? Local oap club (often run by the church)? Mil went every week to the Salvation Army lunch club, no religion involved, no lus they organised day trips and the like.

Get your DH and other family members to regularly take him out (if he's well enough) or to come and take over for an afternoon/ evening.

DO NOT let them make it all your job!

Really, nowhere else? No flats or houses to rent? No B&Bs that would happily take a long term stay? Did you try looking at short term rental websites or calling around some lettings agents?

@Eastl I would honestly be looking for rented sheltered accommodation for the FIL- unless he is really fit and well apart from the heart attack. Given his situation they arent penalised for owning a property- especially as it's being sold - some areas still have quite big waiting lists ( we do in Bath) but other areas have next to none. There are actually some really quite nice posh private ones too . I wouldn't buy - just rent

You will then have the cash in the bank in case he does need to go into a care home at any point-

Once in sheltered arrangements for a care visit every day , food arrangements - throw money at it- itsall cheaper than care homes if needed and he's reasonably safe and ok looking after himself

Thing is though he has to mentally be at the stage where he isn't bothered about a garden to look after, garage to potter in etc to be ok with sheltered housing and value a bit of company more- my FIL at 85 isn't at that stage and hence why he has just sold and buying a bungalow- he has already told us he would rather have a paid live in carer if it's really needed and he didn't need full nursing care

That is a very good point by @AttilaTheMeerkat if MIL in a home the house couldnt be sold to pay for her care while FIL living in it but once on the market and he is living with you I think it becomes liquid cash asset. Unless of course PIL can afford £4500 a month from other savings long term and for him if/when the time comes, £4500 is very cheap it is double that in my area is it subsidized? I think you have left yourself in a very vulnerable position.
Might be a better option to buy house for FIL but you and son move into it and leave husband to deal with his dad, otherwise what incentive is there for FIL to look after himself. If he was capable he wouldnt be moving in with you. Why didnt hospital put him in after care facility to recover? thats what they did with my dad, then a 2x20 min visit a day care package ready when he got home £450 a week but we said he couldnt live with us.
Also better to accept now that there may be nothing left to inherit it could all be for nothing.

Have you ever read 'Edith's Diary' by Patricia Highsmith OP?! Only joking...but women have been getting suckered by this stuff for years, really!

Of course dh is surprised it will take so long !! He absolutely did not know selling and buying a house would take more than a couple of months (my fat arse he doesn’t)

you need to be very specific on your own boundaries and stick to it. Start looking for somewhere to move to as empty threats are useless… you have to be able to show you mean it. And believe me you may really want to move out so it’s good to be organised.

not sure you can charge care costs but think you can charge rent…other MN may know more on this … maybe rent can be yours?

Also ate you entitled to carers allowance

Your husband has basically made you your FIL's unpaid carer. Stop doing that OP. Put your foot down and tell your husband he is responsible for all his father's care while he is in the house. Meals, laundry, cleaning, pills, listening to him, finding stuff for him, whatever his needs are, your husband is to take care of them. Make sure he lets his sister know you won't be involved. Have him entertain his father so you and your son can sit and watch tv, he can take his father out or put a 2nd tv in the kitchen. Give him a deadline that his father is to be out for, into a rental, into a home, doesn't matter but he has to be gone by then. Make sure it's only a month, a short time anyway. There's no reason he can't go into a care home with his wife. They won't kill each other at all. Say no to any involvement with care if both your FIL and his wife move into their own place, no involvement, again it will be your husband's responsibility.

Your husband, FIL, MIL and SIL can't overrule you if you don't let them. They can't physically force you to care for him.

What does it matter if 'homes are insane'.
What else is their money for at this stage in life?
You'll regret this. I know a few who have done similar women and they've all ended up on antidepressants.