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Elderly parents
Original poster

Argh... Any one else feel like Cinderella?!

92 replies

MemyselfandI2019 · 19/10/2022 13:43

I love my family, but fuck me I'm exhausted and hiding in my car ATM! I moved in with my elderly nan 6 months ago with my 8 year old son as she needed someone there over night. My mum (Nans daughter) gets the carers allowance and definitely deserves it as she keeps everything ticking over and without her I would be completely on my arse! So today my day started at 6am when my cat woke me up wanting cuddles with his human, nans dog started barking at 6.30am so I let him out etc, got my son up and ready for school, got my nan up, sorted her breakfast, drinks and meds, took my son to school, put the dishes away, cooked home made soup for nans lunch, blow dried her hair, took her for a walk in the garden, made sure she has had enough to drink and go to the toilet. Mum is taking her out for 2 hours this afternoon tea at a lovely place for people with dementia. I have a list of chores to do, need to pick my son up from school with 2 of his friends (son is a young carer so do not want him to miss out on life). I am exhaused, skint (as I can't work) and just fed up. I feel like Cinderella without a ball at the end! I'm asleep by 9.30 every night!

OP posts:
WallaceinAnderland · 19/10/2022 14:16

Who is your son a young carer for?

Original poster
MemyselfandI2019 · 19/10/2022 14:28

WallaceinAnderland · 19/10/2022 14:16

Who is your son a young carer for?

My nan!

OP posts:
Badgirlriri · 19/10/2022 14:29

Yes, that’s what I call myself in my household 😂

Worthyornot · 19/10/2022 14:34

Why is he a carer? How are 3 of yourll carers for the same person?

Original poster
MemyselfandI2019 · 19/10/2022 14:35

Worthyornot · 19/10/2022 14:34

Why is he a carer? How are 3 of yourll carers for the same person?

Have you ever had to look after an elderly relative with dementia?!

OP posts:
PenelopeTitsDrop3121 · 19/10/2022 14:36

Sounds like you should be getting that carer's allowance. You're doing the majority of the care while your mum does the nice bits.

WallaceinAnderland · 19/10/2022 14:36

Presumably he is never the sole carer for a person with dementia?

44PumpLane · 19/10/2022 14:39

I'm incredibly naive as to the care requirements of elderly people with dementia so forgive me if this sounds silly, but if it takes literally 3 generations to look after 1 individual, to the point you're absolutely exhausted and can't work, you consider your school age son to be a young carer, and your Mum does enough that you feel it's fair that she gets the carers allowance.....is there any way of investigating getting your nan into assisted living/old folks home?

I'm not suggesting absolving your family of all caring responsibilities, but if it's taking 3 generations then perhaps you do need help!

Original poster
MemyselfandI2019 · 19/10/2022 14:40

WallaceinAnderland · 19/10/2022 14:36

Presumably he is never the sole carer for a person with dementia?

Why would he be the sole carer?! He is classed as a young carer as he lives with me and contributes to some of her care such as getting her a drink, helping her walk etc. Please do not come on to this thread to question me for my son being a young carer. That wasn't what my thread was about!

OP posts:
BodenCardiganNot · 19/10/2022 14:41

So your grandmother has your mother and you to provide care for her. Why is your 8 year old child having to care for her as well?? What does he do?

Original poster
MemyselfandI2019 · 19/10/2022 14:41

PenelopeTitsDrop3121 · 19/10/2022 14:36

Sounds like you should be getting that carer's allowance. You're doing the majority of the care while your mum does the nice bits.

It's not so much about the money, it was more about being exhausted! I think I should get this thread moved!

OP posts:
Tipsyturvychocolatemonster · 19/10/2022 14:43

I’m sorry op I’m also not sure why your 8 year old is being classed as a carer. Yes living with someone with dementia is hard but if two full time adult careers can’t manage then you need to look to an alternate, an eight year old is not the answer.

WallaceinAnderland · 19/10/2022 14:44

He is classed as a young carer as he lives with me and contributes to some of her care such as getting her a drink, helping her walk etc.

I don't think that's what a young carer is. Do you mean unofficial helper?

Tipsyturvychocolatemonster · 19/10/2022 14:45

Also why can’t you work? If your mum is the carer amd you are just required there over night? So you all moved in?

this sounds a terrible set up and really not sustainable

Original poster
MemyselfandI2019 · 19/10/2022 14:46

BodenCardiganNot · 19/10/2022 14:41

So your grandmother has your mother and you to provide care for her. Why is your 8 year old child having to care for her as well?? What does he do?

Please see my other comment about my son, we have all been assesseed by social services. They are happy with the care that we give. We live in rural Wales with very few care homes available so that's not an option right now

OP posts:
Original poster
MemyselfandI2019 · 19/10/2022 14:47

WallaceinAnderland · 19/10/2022 14:44

He is classed as a young carer as he lives with me and contributes to some of her care such as getting her a drink, helping her walk etc.

I don't think that's what a young carer is. Do you mean unofficial helper?

He has been assessed my social services and yes he is

OP posts:
SlashBeef · 19/10/2022 14:48

Doesn't sound like it's working for you OP. I do understand how difficult it can be to care for someone with dementia, especially as time progresses. I do think your mother should be providing the majority of that care though.

44PumpLane · 19/10/2022 14:48

OP, when you're referring to your son as a young carer I think it implies a significant contribution.

If your son gets the occasional drink, maybe sorts the telly, gets stuff from other parts of the house (books, cardigans etc) for nan, then I don't believe that would be classed as a young carer.....just a great grandson.

I don't mean the above harshly, it's just the terminology is perhaps implying your son is more put upon than perhaps he is?

ApolloandDaphne · 19/10/2022 14:49

Surely your DM needs to be doing more if she is the one claiming the carers allowance?

Tipsyturvychocolatemonster · 19/10/2022 14:49

Is it a financial thing, in wales did not all unpaid careers get some money?

Blocked · 19/10/2022 14:49

WallaceinAnderland · 19/10/2022 14:44

He is classed as a young carer as he lives with me and contributes to some of her care such as getting her a drink, helping her walk etc.

I don't think that's what a young carer is. Do you mean unofficial helper?

That is what a young carer is.

44PumpLane · 19/10/2022 14:50

Apologies OP, cross posted with you latest update that your son has been titled "young carer" by social services, who clearly know more about the situation than me.

SavingsThreads · 19/10/2022 14:51

No it isn't. A young carer is someone who provides support that the person couldn't cope without - getting medicine, helping them dress, feeding them etc.

badbaduncle · 19/10/2022 14:51

That is what a young carer is and he has this status, time with his friends is important and OP is correct on all of this.

Why sis you move in OP? Are you paying rent/bills or is it a live in care situation instead of this? Why can't your mum have nan live with her? It is a huge burden for your DS.

Relocatiorelocation · 19/10/2022 14:53

That souds really hard. Do you get any respite? Either from paid fit carers or your Mam? Is there a social worker involved?