Argh... Any one else feel like Cinderella?!

[MemyselfandI2019]

I love my family, but fuck me I'm exhausted and hiding in my car ATM! I moved in with my elderly nan 6 months ago with my 8 year old son as she needed someone there over night. My mum (Nans daughter) gets the carers allowance and definitely deserves it as she keeps everything ticking over and without her I would be completely on my arse! So today my day started at 6am when my cat woke me up wanting cuddles with his human, nans dog started barking at 6.30am so I let him out etc, got my son up and ready for school, got my nan up, sorted her breakfast, drinks and meds, took my son to school, put the dishes away, cooked home made soup for nans lunch, blow dried her hair, took her for a walk in the garden, made sure she has had enough to drink and go to the toilet. Mum is taking her out for 2 hours this afternoon tea at a lovely place for people with dementia. I have a list of chores to do, need to pick my son up from school with 2 of his friends (son is a young carer so do not want him to miss out on life). I am exhaused, skint (as I can't work) and just fed up. I feel like Cinderella without a ball at the end! I'm asleep by 9.30 every night!

@Tipsyturvychocolatemonster you're just being a dick for the sake of it now. No engagement or understanding whatsoever of something that has been repeatedly explained to you.

I'm confused but this could be cleared up. I would need more clarity. But first, there.is no denying you are doing a lot for your grandmother so that is really admirable of you.

Does your mum live with you? If she does I understand why she gets the carers allowance but if she doesn't then why does your mum get it? It seems like you are doing the majority of the work, doing nights as well?
How do you afford to live if you don't get carers allowance or work?
Is your son's father around? Does he contribute?

I look for practical solutions and of course you are going to feel like Cinderella if you are not getting any support, financially or otherwise. It is unclear how you are supporting yourself and your son.

I do get the young carer label as it accesses services, though we refused to let dd2 go as she was privileged enough to have access to those things already, budgets are tight, we wanted services to go to young carers who actually are needing to provide care eg to a parent

Because it's the law. Same way a sibling of a child with SEND is - it's one of the better things that has come out of recent years, recognising that children who don't have SEND of their own also have needs, vulnerabilities, disadvantages, adverse experiences and significant barriers to achieving their full potential just by virtue of being in a family where somebody has.

What website? I didn't tell you who I worked for

You said you worked for the largest charity. I took that definition from the Carers Trust, whose list of a young carer is clear.

Thank you all so much for your replies but I especially appreciated the ones who understand and support my family dynamics. I couldn't reply to each of them earlier as I just literally sobbed in my car before I picked my son up. I do everything for my son and put him first, I do the best for my nan. I don't have time to work full time. Yes DM gets the carers allowance but that's for at least 35 hours a week, my nan needs far more than that! We have all agencies involved, I just wanted to moan!!

I'm sorry my son doesn't meet your definition of a young carer but he definitely does and social services have confirmed it. You may be in a privileged position but I am certainly not! But all I wanted was a moan, not to be lourded over yet again!

Oh flip I'm sorry your thread got derailed by some uninformed people who think they know best 🙄

Your 8yo is most definitely a young carer, credit to you for making sure he's aware of that and accessing services which are set up for young people in that situation. Others might not think they're right for their children but it's not even about privilege it's about young carers having an opportunity to understand they're not alone, have empathy and understanding from peers and access opportunities which might not otherwise be available to them (for fiscal or other reasons like time available to them from their parents due to caring responsibilities!).

Your situation sounds exhausting and a bit crap. Is any respite via SS an option? Or help in the home with some personal care or cleaning to take the load off you? 💚

Urgh I've just seen you on the middle class help thread as well today, where you've felt the need to announce you've given up your £400 energy help payment as well.

Do you just go around preaching on every MN thread?

Thank you so much for posting this. Although it's a different situation they are all still young carers. This thread has made me feel pretty shit. I've tried to do my best for the whole family but have been flamed for it on here

Ah OP, so sorry your thread got hijacked by some.
It sounds relentless and you, your mum and your son are a credit to your family.
You should have got your moan without all the crap that got dished out.
Your nan is a lucky lady to gave such support. You're doing a good thing and it's tough. 💐

I also work with a young carers project and your son would meet the definition, I'm really sorry that you have looked here for support clearly in need and what you have got is a kicking about your son which is completely irrelevant to what you were asking, I'd just ignore any of those posts.

Caring for my DP is has been one of the most difficult things I have ever done, and I ran myself ragged with caring, work and looking after DC as well as my own life admin until I got cancer and realised that I wasn't doing anything hardly for myself having little relaxation time, and I was stuck in a stressed helpless state, which research shows is linked to higher rates of cancer and other illnesses. Don't be like me! You deserve to have your own life too. I have drawn back a bit but it's still really difficult because my mum refuses to have carers and there's no one else to deal with crises.

I'm not sure from your answers (sorry I have skimmed) whether you have been in touch with social services yourself. I'm not sure whether you can get a carers assessment that looks at your needs if your mum has one (it's not linked to carers allowance) but it's worth checking out. They talk about your needs and the cared for. There should also be a local charity Supporting carers who you can sound off to and he may have some useful suggestions for you.

Is it actually sustainable living with your nan, or would you be better moving out and then putting boundaries around what you can do? I can empathise, I find it really difficult, either I help out and am exhausted or I say no and feel terrible guilt, but I know I have to say no sometimes even though it's difficult.

Oh op I don’t know why people feel the need to be such arseholes. It’s really not up to them who are carers and who are not and more to the point, you didn’t ask about that!!
I just wanted to send solidarity - that sounds very hard. I have just me, my DS and DH to look after and feel like Cinderella. I can’t imagine the stress a sick elderly relative adds to that. You are absolutely free to have a moan - it all feels relentless sometimes. Try to take care of yourself too, I know it’s hard to find time and energy.

Have you let your son's school know that he is a Young Carer? I work as a data manager in an English school and I recently overhauled our recording of this. It is important - for example if he were in late due needing to take younger children to their school, or perhaps in your situation you had to take your nan to a GP appt and then drop him to school. It makes a difference as to the recording for absence or lates. Hopefully too the school would be accessing support for their young carers. Our support have just let us down - badly. Because I had the numbers on the school system I could let SLT know straight away which students wouldnt be getting the external support. And it matters. A lot.

I have no idea why people should be so opposed to the OP describing her son as a Young Carer. I didn't actually realise that the term applied to my daughters when they were growing up but that's what they were, just like your son.

I cared for my mum with my dad until he died and then pretty much on my own with my girls. My mum lived in a granny annex in our garden. My girls would do pretty much whatever I would do for her. Two years ago they both left home - one got married and the other went to university and so like Cinders I was left at home while everyone else started exciting new lives.

Does your nan get Attendance Allowance? If she needs you there overnight then she would qualify for the higher rate.

Do you get any benefits OP?
If not, maybe look into it, as you probably ought to.
Nobody likes to feel as if they are working for nothing.
Who pays for food?
Sending hugs to you and your DS x

I am in receipt of all benefits that I am entitled to which is £610 a month. I am greatful for that of course, but I used to be senior management within a local authority so had a little more of an income. I just wanted a moan, a pitty party for 1! My son does not go without like I keep saying, I'm just tired, fed up and would quite like a hug sometimes xx