Argh... Any one else feel like Cinderella?!

[MemyselfandI2019]

I love my family, but fuck me I'm exhausted and hiding in my car ATM! I moved in with my elderly nan 6 months ago with my 8 year old son as she needed someone there over night. My mum (Nans daughter) gets the carers allowance and definitely deserves it as she keeps everything ticking over and without her I would be completely on my arse! So today my day started at 6am when my cat woke me up wanting cuddles with his human, nans dog started barking at 6.30am so I let him out etc, got my son up and ready for school, got my nan up, sorted her breakfast, drinks and meds, took my son to school, put the dishes away, cooked home made soup for nans lunch, blow dried her hair, took her for a walk in the garden, made sure she has had enough to drink and go to the toilet. Mum is taking her out for 2 hours this afternoon tea at a lovely place for people with dementia. I have a list of chores to do, need to pick my son up from school with 2 of his friends (son is a young carer so do not want him to miss out on life). I am exhaused, skint (as I can't work) and just fed up. I feel like Cinderella without a ball at the end! I'm asleep by 9.30 every night!

Sounds really hard OP. When my Dad was at home with dementia, my Mum did the main part of his care but I had to do help out a lot on top of having 2 young children and a full time job. It was really, really hard.
He went into a nursing home because he needed 24 hour care in the end (I.e. would have needed to pay for someone to come to the house) and it just wants possible with my job. He sadly passed away recently.

I have no advice but I wanted to say well done, it’s so hard and your Nan is so lucky to have you.

No, that wasn't the case. It's not a financial thing (although being skint sucks!) I just wanted a moan but have been jumped on about my son being a young carer. I already feel shit enough, don't need to be made to feel worse than I already do by others!

I’m in England and my dc are classed as young carers as they have siblings with disabilities/ conditions

They don’t actually do any care but ss give the label and they can access all sorts of things as young carers

Please can I make something clear. My son is living his best life, he is now living in a beautiful area and goes to a small rural school with 15 kids in each year. He has made some fabulous friends and has great support from the young carers team in the local authority. I know it's not ideal him being a young carer, but he is smashing life and thriving. This post wasn't about my son being a young carer, it was about me just having a moan about my life!

He is classed as a young carer as he lives with me and contributes to some of her care such as getting her a drink, helping her walk etc.

That really doesn’t make him a young carer. Just because you live with someone doesn’t make you a carer and neither does getting them a drink!

How long ago did you move in? Did you know you would be doing this level of care?
Has it come to a point where you and your mum can’t provide the care your Nan needs?

Thank you for your reply, it means a lot that you understand

You have yourself to blame for saying an 8yo child is a young carer, for a person you are already a carer for. Giving one's nan a drink or helping out here and there imo isn't classed as being a "carer". It's just day to day living That's how caring family members operate.

I understand- my dc are classed as young carers it’s not just a term used for children actively caring for an adult it’s also if they are living in a home where someone has care needs because that has an impact on children and it’s a label that means they can access support

No it's not!!

Our support worker explained it to us - whilst we do direct care our children have ‘hidden ‘ caring duties . For example they may know to be quiet if we’ve had a bad night, they may miss planned days out of the disabled person is unwell, they may have to sometimes make their own meal if we are caring for their sibling etc . It’s not straightforward at all

Thank you, I don't think a lot of people understand it. Social services have assessed us (and him) and be is considered a young carer and as such he has support from that department. I'm not sure why people are trying to tell me he is not! This is not what the post was about, I just wanted a moan not having the extra stress of justifying our caring roles!

I have myself to blame, yeah thanks for that one!

It is according to the young carers association!!

I wasn't trying to jump on OP, but I lived with a grandparents with dementia (one after the other) from early teens onwards and was speaking from that experience.

Please see my other replies

So much unnecessary belligerence on this thread, and folk thinking they know more about a situation that they clearly have no experience of. Think the OP knows better than the rest of you whether or not her son is classed as a carer.
Dementia is complex, no one case is the same and often requires numerous carers.

And the costs of residential care is eye-watering, even after any state support. This compounded by the cruelty of the disease itself makes for a really distressing time for families when choosing how to provide the care.

Social services have assessed him and confirmed he is a young carer!

I think it's always going to be exhausting when you're on a never ending cycle of care/clean up etc. does your mum always get to do the nicer bits though as you sometimes probably need to swap roles to feel like you are getting a bit of a break. Also I know there might not be much provision if you are rural but you should also be entitled to some respite care for her. Have you been advised whether there are any additional allowances you are entitled to if you are a full time carer?

Why are people deciding on behalf of the Op's council whether or not her son is a carer?
Have I missed a post where the Op outlined her son's contributions & family circumstances in detail? Has she asked for advice on this?

Fuck sakes.
Op I'm not surprised you are feeling wrung out. Caring responsibilities & being skint tend to go hand in hand unfortunately.
I hope you have a chance to treat yourself whether that's with a peaceful cup of tea, a favourite snack or chat with a friend.

Hugs and sympathies OP!

Do you have dreams of a career? Maybe it's time to put Nan in a (hopefully lovely) home and you concentrate on yourself?

Why are people deciding on behalf of the Op's council whether or not her son is a carer?

Because they're argumentative dogs with a bone.

OP if you are doing the night shift, could your mum do the days and you catch up with sleep whilst your DS is at school?

Op I'm so sorry you are being questioned. People don't know the reality of living with someone with dementia and the toll it takes on family life.
Big hugs to you all 💙

A lot of people on this thread are talking about something they know nothing about! My dss was classed as a young carer as his mum was an alcoholic, it did not mean he was responsible for looking after/caring for her but it was acknowledged he did not have a simple home life. With being a young carer he had access to support and groups and things at school were also put in place so he could leave the classroom etc with his YC lanyard.

I’m so sorry you are getting such a hard time on here OP you sound lovely

@MemyselfandI2019 I know that now but not when I first posted (cross post). My opinion is different and I think those who the need the support form carers association etc are different to you son. But as you say that's not up to me or what this thread is about xx