Going to try and keep this brief:
DH is 62 yrs old. I am 53 yrs old. Three kids all still living at home.
DS #1 = 19 yrs old; DS #2 = 16 yrs old, DD #3 = 14 yrs old
Dead marriage for at least last 10 yrs. Separate bedrooms for that period too.
DH very busy and successful businessman. We jointly co-own business. I worked my own job outside until 5 years ago but also helped him in early days. He admits he wouldn’t be where he is today without me.
No blazing rows- just a steady decline over years, mutual resentment, failed couple counselling rounds and starkly divergent parenting approaches. DH was never very interested in or hands on with the kids but is now trying to make up for lost time. Not sure we had much in common (sadly not even a sense of humour) before the kids.
I reckon he saw me as a safe pair of hands that would help him realise his ambitions and I enabled the dynamic (I have spent last 3 years in therapy understanding early motivations for doing so & being a fixer and people pleaser even within my own birth family).
Last few years have been particularly challenging as kids are now teenagers and can see the impasse for what it is and none of this has been good for their own relationship modelling as they would have regarded their father as unpleasant and grumpy towards me. We soldiered on when we should have probably physically separated. We have no family nearby to help be an emotional buffer for the kids but we are proud of them.
DH and I were never great at communicating with one another our thoughts and fears about the future but we recognise that there is no joint future for us a couple - we are better friends and should never have been long term
romantic partners although tbh many women wouldn’t have tolerated some of his neglect and abrupt behaviour over the the years. Walking on eggshells just about sums it up.
DH asked me last week whether he could take off his wedding band as he wants to start dating. He was very ill earlier this year and this has brought about a reappraisal of his priorities. However, he wants for us all to continue living together to maintain a family unit but also so he be with the kids (he would never manage being a single parent by himself and the kids are very aware of that).
This is not a midlife crisis but essentially he recognises that the marriage has irretrievably broken down but wants to keep the bits that still work in his eyes. He is worried that at his age, he’s not going to be an attractive proposition if he leaves it much longer to get back out there 🤣 He says I too would be free to date others but tbh I have zero interest and am just exhausted being a mum and dad to the kids. And I live in a small provincial city where I really don’t see much of a dating pool of interest.
He does not want the finality of a divorce and assures me that I would continue to have full access to all personal and business accounts. He respects that I need to obtain legal advice and likely proceed to getting a separation agreement drawn up. He says no third parties will be allow to come to the family home or meet the kids but I expect we would to inform
them in due course.
I think kids would largely continue living at home “as is” We can afford a second home nearby but DH resisted my previous requests get a house of my own to live in with the kids.
I guess that as and when kids leave home, we could have our own places (I would likely move abroad) but of course it is anyone’s guess if the kids will ever properly move out. We may end up with adult kids at home 🙈
Would you agree to his request? He would be having his cake and eating it - a soft landing for him. He may end up spending more time with new partner. But I still own 50% of the cake and perhaps get more bang for my buck than running two households. It is an unorthodox approach but one that may suit for now. It would be very clear to all outside that we have separated but remain under one roof and DH will make that v clear to all.
Thoughts please?