Husband wants us to remain co-parents in family home with kids but wants to date outside

[Wienerin1220]

Going to try and keep this brief:

DH is 62 yrs old. I am 53 yrs old. Three kids all still living at home.
DS #1 = 19 yrs old; DS #2 = 16 yrs old, DD #3 = 14 yrs old

Dead marriage for at least last 10 yrs. Separate bedrooms for that period too.

DH very busy and successful businessman. We jointly co-own business. I worked my own job outside until 5 years ago but also helped him in early days. He admits he wouldn’t be where he is today without me.

No blazing rows- just a steady decline over years, mutual resentment, failed couple counselling rounds and starkly divergent parenting approaches. DH was never very interested in or hands on with the kids but is now trying to make up for lost time. Not sure we had much in common (sadly not even a sense of humour) before the kids.

I reckon he saw me as a safe pair of hands that would help him realise his ambitions and I enabled the dynamic (I have spent last 3 years in therapy understanding early motivations for doing so & being a fixer and people pleaser even within my own birth family).

Last few years have been particularly challenging as kids are now teenagers and can see the impasse for what it is and none of this has been good for their own relationship modelling as they would have regarded their father as unpleasant and grumpy towards me. We soldiered on when we should have probably physically separated. We have no family nearby to help be an emotional buffer for the kids but we are proud of them.

DH and I were never great at communicating with one another our thoughts and fears about the future but we recognise that there is no joint future for us a couple - we are better friends and should never have been long term
romantic partners although tbh many women wouldn’t have tolerated some of his neglect and abrupt behaviour over the the years. Walking on eggshells just about sums it up.

DH asked me last week whether he could take off his wedding band as he wants to start dating. He was very ill earlier this year and this has brought about a reappraisal of his priorities. However, he wants for us all to continue living together to maintain a family unit but also so he be with the kids (he would never manage being a single parent by himself and the kids are very aware of that).

This is not a midlife crisis but essentially he recognises that the marriage has irretrievably broken down but wants to keep the bits that still work in his eyes. He is worried that at his age, he’s not going to be an attractive proposition if he leaves it much longer to get back out there 🤣 He says I too would be free to date others but tbh I have zero interest and am just exhausted being a mum and dad to the kids. And I live in a small provincial city where I really don’t see much of a dating pool of interest.

He does not want the finality of a divorce and assures me that I would continue to have full access to all personal and business accounts. He respects that I need to obtain legal advice and likely proceed to getting a separation agreement drawn up. He says no third parties will be allow to come to the family home or meet the kids but I expect we would to inform
them in due course.

I think kids would largely continue living at home “as is” We can afford a second home nearby but DH resisted my previous requests get a house of my own to live in with the kids.

I guess that as and when kids leave home, we could have our own places (I would likely move abroad) but of course it is anyone’s guess if the kids will ever properly move out. We may end up with adult kids at home 🙈

Would you agree to his request? He would be having his cake and eating it - a soft landing for him. He may end up spending more time with new partner. But I still own 50% of the cake and perhaps get more bang for my buck than running two households. It is an unorthodox approach but one that may suit for now. It would be very clear to all outside that we have separated but remain under one roof and DH will make that v clear to all.

Thoughts please?

This is one way to ensure that his own children loose all respect for him and loose some respect for you too. You need to show them that two adults treating each other like crap is not ok, and definitely shouldn’t be normalised. If he wants to date, he needs to move out. Dating and staying in the marital home makes a complete mockery of family life.

I beg you not to do this. My parents lived together for a few years during their divorce. It was hell and we were all scarred by it. If his relationship with the kids falls apart, that’s on him.

Do not put your children through this.

Don’t do it Op. Ask for a divorce

lol (and why are there no laughing emojis?)

don’t fix this for him OP

but of course you can’t stop him dating or removing his wedding band.
Get divorced. Move on. Live YOUR life.

I’m trying to work out every single way to tell someone to fuck themselves. Can’t believe the cheek of him.

Get a divorce.

Someone i know had this arrangement, and it was utter hell.

The DH fell for one of the woman he was dating and the DW was distraught. A horrible, protracted messy divorce followed.

However in this case it was the DW's idea in response to her H asking for a divorce but she didnt want one! So thought by offering such a set up as this and "letting him" get dating out of his system, it would be fine and theyd be ok. I never understood how she thought that was a good idea, and why the H didnt respect her enough to say no to such a clearly batshit idea. Desperate people I guess.

You both need to accept the relationship is over OP and get divorced and move on amicably whilst you still have a modicum of respect for hom and yourself.

What happens when dating turns serious and they want to be together? Are you still getting 50 per cent of the business etc etc? Will she move into your house? Will he update his will to protect your interests over hers? Sounds like he is thinking very short term and hasn't considered the full and likely consequences of dating - which will ultimately lead to you being screwed.

No, work on marriage or divorce. He can’t be half in, half out. It will only be you who suffers

Is this what you want to model for your children? Is this the way your sons should see women are to be treated? Is this what your daughter should learn to expect?

Because that's what staying tells them.

Get all copies of financial and business info that you can, see a solicitor, then when you know exactly where you stand financially, start the divorce.

He doesn't getting decide how much you will get or how this is going to go for you. You will wish you did it years ago. I imagine your DC will too.

I mean it COULD work if it made life easier for you. It certainly will for him. But ONLY if you want it. And it doesn’t sound like there is anything in it for you. I think you would be much happier in your own little house, not walking on eggshells. The kids are old enough to make their own decisions as to where they spend their time.

Think what YOU want.

Do it if it makes sense for you, not because it would suit him. It’s not a good arrangement if you end up even more resentful of having to do all the home and kids stuff. And his presence is likely to stop you from really feeling yourself at home, it’s hard to break the habit of walking on eggshells and horrible to live with anyone who has a temper. I see that it could make sense to hold off on the big changes until kids are through exams etc but as you said, they might start living at home well into their 20s and you should be getting your own life back sooner than that. Get legal advice to figure out your financial position in the event of a divorce. It might not be bad at all and I bet you would feel more peaceful living without him.

I figure that I may stand a better chance of maintaining a half decent quality of life by sticking it out under these circumstances.

OP you are confusing standard of living and quality of life. You say "I am so worn out and browbeaten by years of his being top dog and all about him." This is not a quality life. And your DC are being brought up to see treating women this way as acceptable.

If you stay with him, you may have a nicer house for some years, but it will be one he brings his girlfriends back to and slowly he will disrespect you more and more. Once your kids have actually left home he'll finish it anyway, won't he? And judging from this, he won't be nice about it.

Unless there is something about his business that means you should wait a few years, it seems like the sooner you break up with him, the better you'll be able to direct your life and make one you like.

‘He wants to keep the bits that still work’. No, he wants to keep the bits that suit him and ditch the rest.

He’s also close to retirement age - what is the exit plan for the business? You could so very easily be screwed over here

No, this suggestion wouldn't work for me. I'd want a clean break.

Hard no.
For so many reasons.
Honestly, see a solicitor.

I've got a friend who has a similar set up. He tried moving out but missed their DS apparently. She says it works fine, they're like housemates and they don't argue. Then I see her weight gain due to emotional eating (she told me), and I feel so sad for her when she says she can't imagine anyone fancying her again so it doesn't matter.

How would you feel if he brought a woman back to the house? How would you feel if he takes the children for days out/holidays with the new woman and you are left at home?

You would be hurting yourself much more than you realise if you agreed to his suggestion. It's a soul destroying way to live.

This situation is a financial time bomb. It could work out (purely financially speaking) fine at best whilst he's happily playing being single with a safety net, and he is still invested in keeping a relationship of sorts with you. Once he feels that he's securely netted another women he will have significantly less motivation to maintain a respectful or caring relationship you, and will prioritise pulling all possible finances for his own new nest. This is the last possible good time to initiate divorce to protect your and your children's future. It's going to be very different stakes reasonably soon.

This is called having his cake and eating it. He gets the best bits of his home life with no ties. Fuck right off.

So he wants to open your marriage? I don’t see the problem if you both don’t even like being married to each other and this is less upheaval than a messy divorce?

I get that totally OP but I’m just doing all of this in my 60s and that’s pretty exhausting because you’re ten years older and less resilient.

I kind of wish I’d done it at your stage because I would’ve had ten years less treading on eggshells and I’d be ten years of having my place sorted rather than having to start doing it in my 60s. I’d also have ten years less resentment.

Also he might be a lot less willing to start again in his 70s which could make it difficult for you to leave. Plus what happens if he meets someone else now, he’ll probably want to move on but will feel more confident and maybe make it harder for you financially. At the moment he might be more willing to go along with what you want in order to keep some kind of family relationship going but if he meets someone new he’ll be much more keen to build a financial future with her than keep you onside.