Husband wants us to remain co-parents in family home with kids but wants to date outside

[Wienerin1220]

Going to try and keep this brief:

DH is 62 yrs old. I am 53 yrs old. Three kids all still living at home.
DS #1 = 19 yrs old; DS #2 = 16 yrs old, DD #3 = 14 yrs old

Dead marriage for at least last 10 yrs. Separate bedrooms for that period too.

DH very busy and successful businessman. We jointly co-own business. I worked my own job outside until 5 years ago but also helped him in early days. He admits he wouldn’t be where he is today without me.

No blazing rows- just a steady decline over years, mutual resentment, failed couple counselling rounds and starkly divergent parenting approaches. DH was never very interested in or hands on with the kids but is now trying to make up for lost time. Not sure we had much in common (sadly not even a sense of humour) before the kids.

I reckon he saw me as a safe pair of hands that would help him realise his ambitions and I enabled the dynamic (I have spent last 3 years in therapy understanding early motivations for doing so & being a fixer and people pleaser even within my own birth family).

Last few years have been particularly challenging as kids are now teenagers and can see the impasse for what it is and none of this has been good for their own relationship modelling as they would have regarded their father as unpleasant and grumpy towards me. We soldiered on when we should have probably physically separated. We have no family nearby to help be an emotional buffer for the kids but we are proud of them.

DH and I were never great at communicating with one another our thoughts and fears about the future but we recognise that there is no joint future for us a couple - we are better friends and should never have been long term
romantic partners although tbh many women wouldn’t have tolerated some of his neglect and abrupt behaviour over the the years. Walking on eggshells just about sums it up.

DH asked me last week whether he could take off his wedding band as he wants to start dating. He was very ill earlier this year and this has brought about a reappraisal of his priorities. However, he wants for us all to continue living together to maintain a family unit but also so he be with the kids (he would never manage being a single parent by himself and the kids are very aware of that).

This is not a midlife crisis but essentially he recognises that the marriage has irretrievably broken down but wants to keep the bits that still work in his eyes. He is worried that at his age, he’s not going to be an attractive proposition if he leaves it much longer to get back out there 🤣 He says I too would be free to date others but tbh I have zero interest and am just exhausted being a mum and dad to the kids. And I live in a small provincial city where I really don’t see much of a dating pool of interest.

He does not want the finality of a divorce and assures me that I would continue to have full access to all personal and business accounts. He respects that I need to obtain legal advice and likely proceed to getting a separation agreement drawn up. He says no third parties will be allow to come to the family home or meet the kids but I expect we would to inform
them in due course.

I think kids would largely continue living at home “as is” We can afford a second home nearby but DH resisted my previous requests get a house of my own to live in with the kids.

I guess that as and when kids leave home, we could have our own places (I would likely move abroad) but of course it is anyone’s guess if the kids will ever properly move out. We may end up with adult kids at home 🙈

Would you agree to his request? He would be having his cake and eating it - a soft landing for him. He may end up spending more time with new partner. But I still own 50% of the cake and perhaps get more bang for my buck than running two households. It is an unorthodox approach but one that may suit for now. It would be very clear to all outside that we have separated but remain under one roof and DH will make that v clear to all.

Thoughts please?

Well as a pp pointed out, him having a wife and family at home doesn't make your husband much of a catch does it? So he also has an incentive to separate properly. (It's pretty obvious that it is you who are the catch here but I entirely understand your lack of interest in another man fouling up your headspace)

But really, why are you tolerating this? And if you can't be bothered to upset the applecart for your own benefit, donit so your children have a parent they can respect. My own parents dragged on a marriage that was horrendously dysfunctional right through my teenage years -"for the children" and I despised them for it, frankly. It took a long time for me to recover my respect for my mother, and for my father it never really came back.

You need to see a solicitor and work out what you are entitled to out of the home and marriage. Perhaps you could sell him your share of the business and use the money plus your half of the savings to buy him out of the house for example, or buy a new home for yourself and the kids. Get those sums done.

Only one child is really still much of a dependent but the older ones should be contributing as they atart to earn.

As an aside - surely at this point, while you probably "run" the household mentally, there is a decreasing physical load as the children do their own laundry, muck in with the cooking and cleaning etc?

@Wienerin1220
That was sad to read, it's no way to live your life.

Married to a man who has no interest in parenting, his marriage or his wife's happiness.

He's had a crisis and has re-evaluated his life and has decided the current situation doesn't suit anymore, quite correctly IMO.

You need to do the same, you need to come to the same conclusion and save yourself, at 53 you could have another 30yrs ahead of you, dont waste it.

He wants his cake, live as a single man but come home to his family that his "wife" is facilitating.

Think about your life, how would you feel in your own home knowing that it's just yours and your DC and there's no H coming home.

I'll tell you what you'll feel PEACE.

I very rarely advise anyone to leave their H as I know its not always that easy either emotionally or financially.

You already walk on eggshells, he brings nothing emotionally to your marriage and it sounds like you have the finances to start again.

What I would do, the MN term of getting your ducks in a row, gather all financials and go see a solicitor, see where you would stand if you divorced.

Then I'd have a good, long, hard think about what the rest of your life will look like married to this man.

You're DC will be fine, they're old enough to understand.

His suggestion isn’t unreasonable - it’s just a continuation or a next step of the situation you’re already in. But who cares?! This is YOUR LIFE! not just his.

Never mind your husband for now - your marriage is over and you are financially able to split, so what might you want?

Your last sentence say it all OP. It’s really scary and it IS terrifying, but what you are doing is way harder, keeping yourself small, your existence not thriving… Don’t focus on whether or not his request is reasonable, think about yourself life and what you want for you and the kids and then make it happen. I have this weird sense of excitement for you - you just need to envision what YOU would actually like and then go for it.

You’re financially secure, your kids are not small, it won’t be any harder - it will most likely be a lot easier, and happier! You don’t need to be in this marriage but it’s scary to leave (you can leave at any time!!).

OP, I do get it. I had to leave the father of my kids. And I was for a short period of time living in the one house but separate, but for a very short while. I know how warped the thinking can get. I am loathe to admit this, but I remember thinking, asides from all the big scary questions I had to contemplate, but he makes me a cup of tea in the morning despite everything, and isn’t that nice??? I mean, this man was blowing my money gambling, and using prostitutes every week! But I had a newborn baby and a toddler, it was hard to make plans. But I did leave him and life flourished.

He doesn't sound like he adds much to your life beyond the finances.
What are you finances like?
I would be encouraging him to trot off and get himself a little flat somewhere so he can start his dating life while you finally enjoy freedom from him

What kind of women are going to date a man who still shares a house with his wife?!

He was very ill earlier this year

I think he wants the security of you there in case he’s unwell. I can’t see a new girlfriend taking on caring for him.

I think you should separate & sort out finances. Before he meets someone else.

You need to think long term. You’re talking about being a caregiver to your children and that they may stay at home forever. Unless they have issues you haven’t disclosed here that seems very unlikely. They are late to mid teens and will grow up and move on with lives of their own. This will happen sooner than you think. Where will this leave you? You need to initiate a divorce and financial separation and plan for your life. If he meets someone else it’s unlikely he will want the status quo and might start getting nasty. If you wait until the kids are grown up and gone you may find you get a lower settlement and you’ll have wasted more years of your life stuck in a dead end situation.

OP as someone who had a similar experience a few years ago.....you need to get out now. 1. You have no security. He could leave at any moment (and probably will leave at some point). You don't want to be waiting for this. 2. With the current age of your kids you are more likely to get a better share of the marital assets ( because you need to provide a home for the kids). If your kids are aged over 18 then it is much harder to argue that you should get more than 50%. So every delay, even just 3 or 6 months, weakens your case. 3. I agree with others, he is likely already having an affair. Getting divorced is horrible, obviously the opposite of what you hoped for and put so much work into. However I think it is inevitable. The only question is timing. So seize the moment to make it the best outcome for you and kids. For me, having now achieved divorce, things are so much better. Its so great not having a negative energy cloud in the house. And I have been surprised by how satisfying it is to run your own home, your own finances etc. Final tip- look at all the advice on here from women who have experienced the 'script' - basically when a man has an affair. The most important tip is that he is now your enemy ( and your kids enemy). That sounds harsh but it is true. He is only thinking about himself, not you or the kids. You need to buckle up and be a lioness mum for the sack of your kids! Good luck!

Not chance in hell would I entertain this arrangement. He gets all the upsides - complete freedom with zero loss of money, nothing uncomfortable, he keeps hold of you - the family glue, doesn’t have to do any uncomfortable parenting, if he meets someone he swans off . You get all the downsides - continue to manage everyone’s feelings, lives etc. without the peace of your own home and space from him.

To be honest it stands out that is what you and dc desperately need is space from
him. And if he has to parent sometimes then he will have to step up. It’s very easy for him not to do so when you’re around to step in. I’d also suggest doing the separation anyway but not with his ongoing suggestion on the cards. Just see it as step one in the process.

I would also absolutely get the ball rolling on finances before he hits pension age and starts claiming he needs a bigger share due to that. Can you see a solicitor to see where you stand?

for the kids the absolute best thing would be separate houses imo. The one thing that caused the most damage to a friend’s 3 teenage DC was that they tried to half live together for 2 years, without a clear resolution on the cards. he had a flat near work but came back for weekends (separate bedroom), it was so confusing for the dc and lead to serious issues. And that was without any abusive behaviour from the exH, just the dragged out situation, awkwardness between parents, worry about their dad in his tiny flat etc.

No. Seek a divorce lawyer and separate. Ask him to leave. Take either share rights or a sum from the business and go your own way. Your children are not young. They will have left home soon. Make sure this final chapter in your life is one when you are in the driving seat.

You can separate amicably and still achieve the independence and freedom you absolutely deserve

Absolutely not. Dignity is worth more than keeping the most financially lucrative solution, and tbh, he has called the shots all these years by inflicting his taciturn nature on you and making you treas carefully in your own home. Get that second hone, gently explain to the children the situation and make a home for them with you as you always have, enjoy walking on air in your new home!

You said it yourself, he is asking for his cake and to eat it too, and the answer should be no. As soon as the kids move out he won't have any qualms asking you to go too, absolutely do not consider this!

But think of how it looks to your kids op, they're old enough to see the dynamic and it will be more obvious when your DH starts whistling about the place, not wearing a ring and being out and about on dates. It shows what a shit he is that he just assumes he will have time for these dates when you've got three kids, albeit older ones but shows his time has been his own for a long time!

Of course it feels safest and more secure to remain in place in the role he's alloted you all these years, and change is scary, and moving is a ball ache! But that small period of adjustment is worth so much more than sinking yet more years pleasing the man, when you've done it for two decades or more. Try and quash the fear and fuel your fire with that knowledge of what he's done and what he's now asking for, it's absolutely outrageous.

Why would you have to run two households? I don't understand. If he's suddenly realised the joys of parenting, let him have lots of fun playing dad and housekeeper as a dashing bachelor, while you make your own arrangements. You say yourself you're setting a bad example relationship wise for your children - what he's suggesting is even worse.

I’m sure women will be lining up to date a crumbly divorcee. Your kids are adults and teenagers. I don’t you think you need much of a co parenting situation where you live together. This will be for his benefit entirely. Divorce and you’ll be much happier.

Also confused as to why you think DC will live with you as adults, unless they have significant additional needs.

You’ve not done and are not doing your DC any favours by having stayed. Being ‘super close’ with you but with a poor father and unhealthy relationship isn’t good.

Your H can, in practice, do as he wishes, unless you initiate separation and divorce. Whether or not he’s having sex/other relationships it’s an unhealthy set up and bad for DC. Worse, though, if it’s obvious he’s doing this and there is a resulting, disorderly break up.

Would be better for your youngest DC if you split soon before the GCSE 2 years.

You speak extensively about his ‘request’ but what do you want? How would you like to see your future? What are your plans and hopes.. this is a great time to think of what you want from life to make you happy and not just make do for the next however many years???

He'll try to have his cake and eat it until a new woman arrives and wants to play house with your business earnings. Then it will be nasty.
Just divorce him.

I lived with my ex H for about a year and half after we separated (for various complicated reasons). I thought it was an ok arrangement, we had separate rooms and we separated the weekends so he had them one day and I the other.
When he moved out I cannot tell you how amazing it was. I felt like a cloud had lifted off me. I suddenly realised that it was actually grinding me down day in day out living with someone who didn't like me. It was affecting me all day every day. It was only when it ended, I realised how bad it was.
I wonder if you are in this position OP? You dont actually realise how bad this is and what a burden you are carrying ?

So you will be his housekeeper/ cook/ admin assistant while he lives a single life? Hell no. If the marriage is dead, find your own space and peace. The kids will resent you for being a doormat. They will see what’s going on.

So if you stay another ten years until all
the children are well into adulthood, ex will be 72, you’ll have given up another ten years of your life and he is ever closer to being old and having care needs with you being the big meanie for wanting to sack him off because why would you want to wipe an ex’s arse and care for him?
Be careful. It might be hard now, to get rid, but in ten years time it will be even harder.

Is one of the reasons you haven’t already divorced him that you’re worried that he will hide money from the business or use loopholes not to share it in the financial settlement? If so you could secretly get initial legal advice

That's nice for him....

The nice thing for YOU is now hes made it clear he doesnt want a life with you... you dont have to give a fuck about what HE WANTS anymore...

If get a good look under the hood at the business and document it / get your name on things... then separate and Divorce him .

Find some shit hot lawyers now, get the ball rolling and when you are ready tell him he can shag swinging from the dining room chandelier if he likes... you are off.

You’ve already said that a second home is affordable but he ‘refused your request’. Well then a divorce will sort that out. You also mentioned having to run 2 households… but you won’t. You will just be running your house in exactly the way you want to.

No no no, my uncle had time to get everything organised so he could spend loads of money on another woman.

He took her to fancy restaurants and on holiday basically the flashy high life.

My aunt divorced him but the money has already gone and she got considerably less after 30 odd years of marriage and her career and life taking a back seat for the kids.

Do not be my aunt, she's happy now but she'd be even happier with more money.

To be honest I don’t really see the problem. You’re not in a loving relationship and have no sexual relations and don’t want to be with each other.
He is giving you the option of staying within the lifestyle you are accustomed to, the home and the set up as it is. But he wants intimacy with someone else and you could look for someone else too, if it appeals. He’s not handing you divorce papers and selling the house before you have time to blink. He isn’t trying to cut you off financially.

Personally I’d want to finalise the separation with divorce so I have what’s mine and can begin a new life. But it’s a costly and stressful process so I can see his point of avoiding the divorce process.

What do you get in this deal? I bet the reason he hasn't mentioned divorce in all this time is that doesn't want to split the assets.