Husband wants us to remain co-parents in family home with kids but wants to date outside

[Wienerin1220]

Going to try and keep this brief:

DH is 62 yrs old. I am 53 yrs old. Three kids all still living at home.
DS #1 = 19 yrs old; DS #2 = 16 yrs old, DD #3 = 14 yrs old

Dead marriage for at least last 10 yrs. Separate bedrooms for that period too.

DH very busy and successful businessman. We jointly co-own business. I worked my own job outside until 5 years ago but also helped him in early days. He admits he wouldn’t be where he is today without me.

No blazing rows- just a steady decline over years, mutual resentment, failed couple counselling rounds and starkly divergent parenting approaches. DH was never very interested in or hands on with the kids but is now trying to make up for lost time. Not sure we had much in common (sadly not even a sense of humour) before the kids.

I reckon he saw me as a safe pair of hands that would help him realise his ambitions and I enabled the dynamic (I have spent last 3 years in therapy understanding early motivations for doing so & being a fixer and people pleaser even within my own birth family).

Last few years have been particularly challenging as kids are now teenagers and can see the impasse for what it is and none of this has been good for their own relationship modelling as they would have regarded their father as unpleasant and grumpy towards me. We soldiered on when we should have probably physically separated. We have no family nearby to help be an emotional buffer for the kids but we are proud of them.

DH and I were never great at communicating with one another our thoughts and fears about the future but we recognise that there is no joint future for us a couple - we are better friends and should never have been long term
romantic partners although tbh many women wouldn’t have tolerated some of his neglect and abrupt behaviour over the the years. Walking on eggshells just about sums it up.

DH asked me last week whether he could take off his wedding band as he wants to start dating. He was very ill earlier this year and this has brought about a reappraisal of his priorities. However, he wants for us all to continue living together to maintain a family unit but also so he be with the kids (he would never manage being a single parent by himself and the kids are very aware of that).

This is not a midlife crisis but essentially he recognises that the marriage has irretrievably broken down but wants to keep the bits that still work in his eyes. He is worried that at his age, he’s not going to be an attractive proposition if he leaves it much longer to get back out there 🤣 He says I too would be free to date others but tbh I have zero interest and am just exhausted being a mum and dad to the kids. And I live in a small provincial city where I really don’t see much of a dating pool of interest.

He does not want the finality of a divorce and assures me that I would continue to have full access to all personal and business accounts. He respects that I need to obtain legal advice and likely proceed to getting a separation agreement drawn up. He says no third parties will be allow to come to the family home or meet the kids but I expect we would to inform
them in due course.

I think kids would largely continue living at home “as is” We can afford a second home nearby but DH resisted my previous requests get a house of my own to live in with the kids.

I guess that as and when kids leave home, we could have our own places (I would likely move abroad) but of course it is anyone’s guess if the kids will ever properly move out. We may end up with adult kids at home 🙈

Would you agree to his request? He would be having his cake and eating it - a soft landing for him. He may end up spending more time with new partner. But I still own 50% of the cake and perhaps get more bang for my buck than running two households. It is an unorthodox approach but one that may suit for now. It would be very clear to all outside that we have separated but remain under one roof and DH will make that v clear to all.

Thoughts please?

No asking required, no conversation is even needed, which is good.
OP can fill in the divorce forms online, disregard the man entirely and plan her future.

Has he stopped to think about how a new girlfriend would view his situation? Unless he's a 2nd George Clooney, any woman knowing he still lives with his wife and family is not going to be interested.

It's the classic cheater playbook line. We're only together for the sake of the children. We have separate bedrooms. No sex. Just because it's true in your case, doesn't mean women will fall for it.

Also, he's 62, not 42. Not a good catch for any women, so unless he has a magical golden penis and a free-flow wallet, he's not going to attract the women he wants.

He'd be a lot better off accepting his current situation is pretty good for a separated man. He won't of course. He wants the spectacular, almost strings free sex. Twat.

Divorce him. Let him have the real single life. You go and get a life of your own. Although it might not feel like it now, you'll fly once you've shifted his dead weight.

I know it’s hard to imagine being alone but if you really start to think about the benefits to you it will get easier

its taken me a bout a year to feel really comfortable with the idea. I’m a little younger than you but I do feel this is the time to seize the opportunity rather than waiting

Get out now. Don't wait until he's retired and the kids are legally adults so he can minimise his responsibilities to you and them.

Even if he stands by his word, the moment a decent prospect turns up it could all change. Suddenly you and the children will be even LESS of a priority. Any money he has will be going elsewhere while he tries to wine and dine the new lady with a cozy nest to return to maintained by his back up wife.

I'm not devorced myself but from reading about others experience you will find it easier and less exhausting when you aren't parenting another adult, having to negotiating responsibilities with a grown man.

Make sure that your name is registered on the house. Make sure you have evidence of ownership of the company. Gather evidence that you have sacrificed for him/the family and get thyself to a lawyer on Monday. Time is of the essence here, if he is asking he may well already be doing it.

He wants his cake and to eat it, then he wants to eat YOUR cake too.

@Wienerin1220 you said you had worked on being a people pleaser etc. I’m glad you have come to ask MN, because if you agree to his request then all that counselling and personal work will have been a waste.

Of course he doesn’t get to swan about with his GF while you skivvy away like his bloody housekeeper!

The answer to this is a big fat NO.

@Wienerin1220 reflect on this part of your post:
“(I have spent last 3 years in therapy understanding early motivations for doing so & being a fixer and people pleaser even within my own birth family).”
with this part:
“Would you agree to his request? He would be having his cake and eating it - a soft landing for him.”
And I think you'll have all your answers.

Interesting that the only part of your post that’s really about YOU, you have put as an aside in brackets. That little bit in brackets is huge. You’re changing, you’re evolving and there’s a lot to unpack.

You're only 53. There is so much more to life than making others succeed. Your kids love you and they are great people, what a great achievement. Your kids love you and they want to see you free and happy. If you’re not at the stage where you can do it just for you, do it for them. Show them what real freedom and happiness looks like. It’s living on your own terms, and that doesn’t mean being selfish, it means being present everyday and spending your time on people who love and respect you in mutually caring family, friend and romantic relationships.

He sounds very immature and spiteful, especially with the whole “I’ve got to live life” after being ill, doesn’t seem to extend to you. He could have travelled the world with the wife he has, who has stood by him. So the only thing I’d say is try to get house deposits for the kids agreed in the divorce settlement. If you have enough money to run a second home, there’s enough to protect £60k for each of your kids.

This is so exciting! I’m so happy for you! It’s kind of nice he has been so selfish in his request, as if he’s doing you a favour letting you stay in his servitude, you don’t need to waste too much emotional energy on him.

I'm sorry OP but this would be a terrible solution. I mean, if he starts dating, how many women would be happy with that set up - their new boyfriend/partner still living with his ex-wife and their family. They would have to host him/have him visit their house all the time. All the while wondering if he is genuinely separated from his ex or just having his cake and eating it. Anyone with their head screwed on in that scenario would be urging him to move out and get his own place, if he is actually separated.

And if he gets serious about someone, all good intentions will go out the window and he will likely seek a divorce or look to sell the house, in order to fund a new home with his new partner. Your future is really precarious at present. Sounds like you're afraid of change and you're just going along with things for an easy life. But you need to take your head out of the sand and instigate divorce proceedings. It's your life - take control of your own destiny. You could have a lovely life ahead of you - either on your own or with someone else. I get that you're a bit worn out and not interested in dating anyone right now, but that might change as time goes by and you emerge fully from the parenting years and your children fly the nest. Wouldn't it be nice to have your own home (current house or new house) and do it up exactly as you'd like it? If your husband doesn't meet someone else, you run the risk that you'll end up being nursemaid and carer to someone you actively dislike.

As for the kids, I think it would be very damaging for them to see their Dad getting ready to go out on dates, whilst still living with their Mum in the family home. That has the potential to really mess with their heads. And they'll have to face up to the reality that their Dad is having sex with other women. Ugh! Far better he gets himself a bachelor pad and does all the casual dating from there - out of sight and out of mind and all that.

If it’s daunting now starting again, it’ll be even more daunting in ten/twenty years time. And if you never leave, you’ll end up being his nurse with him being even more grumpy.

And as a pp said if you wait till the kids are all 18 then you may get less than you’d get now. That maybe one more reason for him to delay things.

Absolutely not! Either someone has turned his head to start all this off with talk of taking wedding ring off,or he is deluded.get rid of him,it is time.and go and enjoy your life.please.xxx

Everything in your post is about what he wants and how he wants it.

He’s Still taking you for an absolute mug. What do you mean he’s resistant to you getting your own house and moving out? He doesn’t get to dictate that. You can decide that for yourself.

Get the divorce rolling and get the full share of assets you’re entitled to before he brings a new woman into the mix and he really starts playing hardball.

Your poor kids will probably be relieved to see you find your spine and finally get them and yourself out of this awful dynamic.

Best for the kids if he moves out, no her. Less trauma/change that way....

I don't remember the name of the poster but there was a thread on here a few months ago @Wienerin1220 about a woman/mum with a husband that had an off/on affair and broke the marriage. She pushed him to move out when he didn't really want to to enable HER to move on. He wanted to be free to sort himself out, indulge himself in the other woman, work his life out while remaining in the family home, with her support.

The whole experience was horrible for her (I'm not downplaying it) but when he finally left, it was like a huge weight taken off her shoulders. AND within days, the ex realised he'd made a big mistake, reframed it ALL as her fault/lack of support and wanted to resurrect the marriage. BUT she had moved on by that point and realised how much happier she was without him.

If anyone else can remember the thread, can you post a link? I think it'd be useful for the OP to read.

Does he want you to continue as a housekeeper and nanny for your children ?

Was it this one? https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5525068-hes-definitely-restarted-the-affair?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share

That's the one @GordanoServices, thank you. Men thinking women are there to support, facilitate and ease their way through life. With no idea that women are also autonomous beings, with emotions and wants and needs.

It’s mind blowing isn’t it? And they genuinely don’t see that they are doing anything wrong. What’s heartbreaking is how so many women actually seem resigned to just going along with it (Monica Baddingham springs to mind) …

Absolutely not! Divorce will be better for you as your youngest child at 14 will enable you to get a larger share of your joint assets to accommodate your children. If be asking him to move out, putting the house up for sale and seeing a solicitor to get the divorce sorted.

@Wienerin1220in your posts you have listed all of the reasons why it benefits him to stay living under the same roof but absolutely no benefits for you. So why on earth would you continue like this?

Wow! 😮 I’ve read some things on here on my time.. this one is proper taking the mick! You do realise if you agree to this and he finds someone else ready put with him he’ll drop you like a hot potato and cut off the finances. Even worse still - what would likely happen if you went out minus your wedding band and found another man 🙄 he’d be livid but the same would happen, he’d cut off the finances. Get yourself divorced and out of this situation pronto. Then he can do whatever he wants.

You are asking us what we want, but what do you want? This feels like another “people pleasing “ activity, but aimed at mumsnet users.

Some people value security and wouldn’t mind keeping the status quo. Others would want a complete fresh start. Which sounds more appealing?

You also don’t need to make a decision now. Get legal advice. Talk to your therapist. Just make sure it’s you choosing, not reacting to what he wants.

Yep, this!

Absolutely not. If he wants to find a new partner he can leave. Your choice of course and yes separation isn’t pleasant and you would likely need to sell the family home. So I guess its a big decision but not one I could ever agree to.

You’ve requested to get your own house and he’s said no?!

Unless he has you locked in a cellar, how is he going to stop you?!

You would be insane to agree to this.

Serve him divorce papers asap. Sounds like the children will want to be with you (?) He literally wants you as housekeeper and caregiver, whilst he gets to fuck about outside of the marital home before he is no longer 'dating pool' eligible and can fall back into your arms to feed him, wipe his mouth and shitty, pissy arse! Get out and take what is yours and what is owed. Let's see how many dates will be around in 10, or even 5 years time for this so called looker!!

Exactly @Ponderingwindow. He wants you to continue doing all the parenting work and everything else you contribute to the business, while he swans about dating. How is that in your best interests and what is it modelling to your children?

Don't let him turn you into a doormat @Wienerin1220 get legal advice and decide what you want from life. As soon as he meets someone he wants to be with, he'll be off without a backward glance and wanting his share of the assets so it's best to take the upper hand and get things rolling now.