Ex-husband's wife sent this email during custody dispute, was it inappropriate?

[Kiwiana100]

FYI this happened a long time ago. 2015 to be exact. My ex and I were in custody dispute. He and his wife wanted full time care of my eldest girl (Rebecca). I had agreed to only 50/50. They felt that her autism diagnosis was wrong and that I was conditioning and enabling her. He had become highly verbally abusive and his wife (a trained counsellor) stepped in to try to negotiate. This is her email. I found it to be a huge boundary violation. I have changed the names.
Hello Hannah,

Thank you for your email. I acknowledge that you changed your mind about meeting next weekend, I find that a bit of a shame as actions toward better communication could be, in my view, really helpful.

Great that you agreed to the new schedule which is based on your revised wishes.

You hope that one day Rebecca will appreciate your decision to prevent Matthew from caring for her full time. I think it sometimes requires a lot of love and grandeur to let go of your own needs and try new things for the sake of the child. Assigning Matthew full time care for Rebecca would have been such thing. It would have been a chance for Rebecca. Why would it mean you give up on Rebecca? You had both girls in fulltime care for nearly four years and Matthew never viewed this as giving up on his children. I really wonder how you develop such views? You both, Matthew and you, have the same rights to care for the children. Hannah, that's right, time will reveal Rebeccas's views on this. I agree, one day both girls will form their opinions about their experiences with both of you. They will make up their minds what they found helpful, what not, what they liked and what not. They will do this as we all did it with our parents. Good mother or good father – at the end of the day it is for them to say what they think.

Please don't worry about the way Matthew portrays you. I am well aware of the fact that I hear only his perception. Please also know that neither of us are judging you. You can do what you want, have you own values, live your own life as you want, please don't worry about this. We never comment on things related to you towards the girls and we take our pride in this. We also have no bad intentions towards you, we both wish you all the best, why would we want anything bad for you?

But still Hannah, between both of you parents, it must be possible to raise concerns. If Matthew e.g. gets the impression that Sarah gets more attention than Rebecca he must have the possibility to raise this issue with you, would you not agree? This is in our view just a normal part of communication between parents. And btw, you do this too on a regular basis.

Since we don't see each other on the weekend, please let me say a few words about your (Matthew's and your) way of communicating. I am well aware that you despise Matthew for his bad communication style because he is sometimes getting very aggravated, aggressive and becomes verbally abusive. You are absolutely right. And I have seen him on a number of occasions finding it extremely difficult to stay calm when things are getting out of hand between you two.
But I think it is a bit one sided to point the finger on Matthew alone and see yourself as the victim. Its never right to blame just one side. As a person who witnessed you both communicating, I would like to invite you to hear my perspective of it. It can see that you still hold a lot of resentments against Michael. Your relationship ended nearly four years ago, and I strongly doubt that you reached closure. Maybe you disagree, maybe you reflect on this and find the right answer to this question for yourself. What I observe is, that Matthew never gets it right for you. In your books he is to blame for this, that and the other. Just recently for Sarah not wanting to eat at McDonalds (please see your last Thursdays texts) and in yesterday texts you even blamed him for you not having a good relationship with your daughter Rebecca. Within this framework you expect him to react friendly, patiently and respectful. Beyond that you often don't consult with him in parenting questions, you rather consult with outsiders, I suspect you don't view him as competent (??). And, I'm very sorry to mention it, you don't acknowledge his efforts and achievements with the girls. In contrast you even criticise him for that.
I can tell you that Matthew too loves his children and he actively helps them to reach their full potential, to improve their behaviours, gives them direction, guidelines, support and last but not least his love. Rebecca's improvements in math and her communication, for example, are remarkable. Both girls are happy around him. I must say, I admire that on him. I find is sometimes hard to watch how you criticise him for all that is possible while insisting to be respected, and not being criticised. Respect is of course preferable, it just has to go both ways. When we blame we should also see our own parts that we play.

I really hope that you give it a go and think about my words.

Kind regards

Katherine

I asked a question.

Family conflict situations is an area where reason and logic often don't apply. Sometimes you just have to accept there's an underlying loyalty there that can't really be defended or explained in a rational way.

I genuinely believe that a lot of psychologists & counselors (obviously not all) are attracted to the field because they are deeply fucked up.

Definitely. I find it worrying that people on Mumsnet and elsewhere constantly advise people to put all their secrets and vulnerabilities in their hands. They can do a lot of harm. But that's no reason for this woman not to be allowed to write a letter in which she expresses her personal views on what is happening in her own [step] family. You should be able to do that without someone trying to damage your career.

Her email shows layers of self-deceit. How can she really think she’s not biased? How can she think the woman she’s speaking to is going to see her as unbiased (even if she miraculously was)? How could anyone think their new partners ex is going to be receptive to criticism of their parenting (especially to this extent)? Someone trained in counselling really ought to know this stuff. And they really ought not to be minimising abuse that they themselves have witnessed and blaming it partly on the victim.

She could have suggested mediation via a truly unbiased service or family counselling with a professional who was not associated with any of them. What she did was surely unprofessional and really lacking in self awareness.

Up until recently, counselling was viewed with suspicion and seen as navel-gazing. And people said therapists were actually the screwed up ones, just as we now criticise people who use therapy-speak (red-flag, protect my peace) in everyday life.
I normally disagree and think therapy can be very helpful to people. But reading your post makes me sympathise with people who think differently!

I'd seek legal advice regarding your children, and ignore her! Say maybe if she'd found her own man instead of sleeping with a married dad, things wouldn't be a problem for the kids.

Tbf I really think it’s just like any other job and some of them are going to be really good, and others are just going to be crap. There are loads of things you’d expect of police or teachers or doctors and some of them really do take their job seriously and do their very best and others are just phoning it in (or worse in some extreme cases).

It's not an AI teply and even it was why do you care - she has asked for advice and she has received advice. She can choose whether or not to follow that advice. If you have nothing positive to say then mind your own business.

Wow...I would've been very tempted to reply with two words, the second one being off.