Ex-husband's wife sent this email during custody dispute, was it inappropriate?

[Kiwiana100]

FYI this happened a long time ago. 2015 to be exact. My ex and I were in custody dispute. He and his wife wanted full time care of my eldest girl (Rebecca). I had agreed to only 50/50. They felt that her autism diagnosis was wrong and that I was conditioning and enabling her. He had become highly verbally abusive and his wife (a trained counsellor) stepped in to try to negotiate. This is her email. I found it to be a huge boundary violation. I have changed the names.
Hello Hannah,

Thank you for your email. I acknowledge that you changed your mind about meeting next weekend, I find that a bit of a shame as actions toward better communication could be, in my view, really helpful.

Great that you agreed to the new schedule which is based on your revised wishes.

You hope that one day Rebecca will appreciate your decision to prevent Matthew from caring for her full time. I think it sometimes requires a lot of love and grandeur to let go of your own needs and try new things for the sake of the child. Assigning Matthew full time care for Rebecca would have been such thing. It would have been a chance for Rebecca. Why would it mean you give up on Rebecca? You had both girls in fulltime care for nearly four years and Matthew never viewed this as giving up on his children. I really wonder how you develop such views? You both, Matthew and you, have the same rights to care for the children. Hannah, that's right, time will reveal Rebeccas's views on this. I agree, one day both girls will form their opinions about their experiences with both of you. They will make up their minds what they found helpful, what not, what they liked and what not. They will do this as we all did it with our parents. Good mother or good father – at the end of the day it is for them to say what they think.

Please don't worry about the way Matthew portrays you. I am well aware of the fact that I hear only his perception. Please also know that neither of us are judging you. You can do what you want, have you own values, live your own life as you want, please don't worry about this. We never comment on things related to you towards the girls and we take our pride in this. We also have no bad intentions towards you, we both wish you all the best, why would we want anything bad for you?

But still Hannah, between both of you parents, it must be possible to raise concerns. If Matthew e.g. gets the impression that Sarah gets more attention than Rebecca he must have the possibility to raise this issue with you, would you not agree? This is in our view just a normal part of communication between parents. And btw, you do this too on a regular basis.

Since we don't see each other on the weekend, please let me say a few words about your (Matthew's and your) way of communicating. I am well aware that you despise Matthew for his bad communication style because he is sometimes getting very aggravated, aggressive and becomes verbally abusive. You are absolutely right. And I have seen him on a number of occasions finding it extremely difficult to stay calm when things are getting out of hand between you two.
But I think it is a bit one sided to point the finger on Matthew alone and see yourself as the victim. Its never right to blame just one side. As a person who witnessed you both communicating, I would like to invite you to hear my perspective of it. It can see that you still hold a lot of resentments against Michael. Your relationship ended nearly four years ago, and I strongly doubt that you reached closure. Maybe you disagree, maybe you reflect on this and find the right answer to this question for yourself. What I observe is, that Matthew never gets it right for you. In your books he is to blame for this, that and the other. Just recently for Sarah not wanting to eat at McDonalds (please see your last Thursdays texts) and in yesterday texts you even blamed him for you not having a good relationship with your daughter Rebecca. Within this framework you expect him to react friendly, patiently and respectful. Beyond that you often don't consult with him in parenting questions, you rather consult with outsiders, I suspect you don't view him as competent (??). And, I'm very sorry to mention it, you don't acknowledge his efforts and achievements with the girls. In contrast you even criticise him for that.
I can tell you that Matthew too loves his children and he actively helps them to reach their full potential, to improve their behaviours, gives them direction, guidelines, support and last but not least his love. Rebecca's improvements in math and her communication, for example, are remarkable. Both girls are happy around him. I must say, I admire that on him. I find is sometimes hard to watch how you criticise him for all that is possible while insisting to be respected, and not being criticised. Respect is of course preferable, it just has to go both ways. When we blame we should also see our own parts that we play.

I really hope that you give it a go and think about my words.

Kind regards

Katherine

I can understand you coming back to this appalling letter after such a time. Agree with others that it is badly written without any understandung of what she has said. As a former careers guidance advisor - I’m not using the term counsellor, I’m familiar with professional regulatory bodies in the UK and the types of qualifications, study and practice required to become a member. Some Masters level courses do.
I’ve also worked with psychotherapists, counsellors, psychiatrists, psychologist who all were members of the appropriate body and had done the additional qualifications. Her letter sounds horrendous and you may now have more clarity reading it now and feel more shocked.
Its what do you feel you want to do now?

Yep! It’s actually really creepy when someone tries to therapise you when you don’t want them to.

And the letter is, overall, really creepy. I can understand the OP still having this on her mind. Hell, I am still cross about stuff that happened over 40 years ago.

Well said!

My throat was getting tighter and tighter at the sheer level of patronising.

And once you get past that, she is essentially protecting, defending and enabling an abuser. She acknowledges his abuse but then 'two sides...' schtik.

Which as I under stand it is a no-no in counselling - counsellors do not accept couples where there is abuse, I think.

And there you have it: your dd suffered abuse from them both.

Creepy, pompous, dismissive and patronising.

And her professional credentials are seriously in doubt.

Yes, it was inappropriate, and worse.

I am so sorry you have been left with the fall out from their behaviour.

Read, refresh, and be glad that you pushed back and at least got 50/50. Know that you were right, and evict them from your mind.

Poisonous nasty couple.

I thought the same. I regularly ask chat about things and this is exactly what the replies look like 😂

My ex husband blames me for my autistic son not working. He thinks I mollycoddle him. But he hasn't lived with him since he was a child. He wasn't there when our son felt suicidal because he couldn't cope with college or life. It was a social worker who told me to get him off JA and apply for ESA. He's been a different person since then. One of the most common criticisms of parents, particularly mothers, of autistic children is that we are too soft. That's because they just don't understand. Was this what was happening with your ex and Rebecca?

You sound really healthy, actually.

I reprocess things from my past and with certain events have done so multiple times. We are whole people with many life experiences both difficult and amazing. Reflecting on our lives and rethinking our own behavior is normal.

Your NT daughter unfortunately has to handle her father on her own. I know you’d love to help her but it’s her stuff now. She will be protective of him and the best thing you can do is to be as happy and healthy yourself as possible and show her what’s normal. sounds like you are doing that. That’s what helped me.

Is she in counseling?

'The unexamined life is not worth living', according to Socrates ....

MN would tear him apart. You’re overthinking this, Socrates, get a job!

Do either of your daughters live with you?

Who tells you it’s like a war zone? Your daughter who is very close to them and strenuously defends them?

I love how she just smooths over this by trying to make it your fault. She sounds perfect for a narcissist.

I am well aware that you despise Matthew for his bad communication style because he is sometimes getting very aggravated, aggressive and becomes verbally abusive.

The daughter who is being verbally abused and confiding in you how their home is like a war zone etc is the same one who you describe as being very closely aligned with them and will defend them strongly?

That tracks for me.

If you have normal parents it may shock you.

That’s already been answered.

Agreed. This is how it goes.

Most of us love and defend our parents even while recognizing their faults.

Even whilst being seriously verbally abused?

These girls sound very seriously disturbed and damaged

Are you living in this world?

And thank you, kind internet stranger,
for diagnosing someone else’s children on the basis of a few posts you didn’t seem to actually read. How helpful and kind of you to take the time out of your day.

Are you a father or mother?

People will defend their parents after serious physical, emotional and verbal abuse. It’s very common. I’m surprised you didn’t know that people love their parents, often unconditionally. It’s a thing.

I had a very happy and stable childhood and can’t relate to this at all. Thankfully.

The op says both girls are very damaged. I am doing nothing but repeating what their mother has said.

I think she presents herself as neutral and almost as an observer when she actually isn't, which makes the whole e-mail pointless and inappropriate. And there's no justification as to why she thinks it would be better for Rebecca to live full time with them, just the weird statement about it requiring more love and grandeur(??) on your part.

There's a clear implication that your parenting is not as good as hers and Matthew's but also acknowledgement that he was abusive towards you which was interesting.

I think not all people who work in these fields have successful private lives though, or the level of insight that you might expect. Whether it breaches any code of conduct would be up to her professional body to decide.

I often notice that people with perfect childhoods struggle with empathy.

It’s great you had a happy childhood but have you heard of all the people who haven’t? If you can’t relate or imagine how other people’s situations differ to your own maybe you should read more and advise less?