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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Who should the child live with?

85 replies

Lostinheaven · 12/09/2018 16:26

Hi,

I’m interested in everyone’s opinion on who the children should live with after divorce/separation. My son currently spends half his time with me and half with his dad. I don’t feel this is working as he asks why he has to go stay there and when asking why he doesn’t want to go he says he doesn’t know (usually his go to if he thinks he’s getting into trouble for something). I am wondering what you’re opinions are, should I still force him to go or not? I feel it’s to much for him.
TIA.

OP posts:
ZigZagZebras · 12/09/2018 16:34

How old is he?
I don't think 50/50 often works well, its not a very stable life for a child to constantly be on the move and not have an actual set home until theyre an adult. Every other weekend and one night midweek is a common set up.

Bluecloudyskies · 12/09/2018 16:36

If the child is up for 50/50 then I think it’s fine but sometimes it is too much and they should be able to choose

ShalomJackie · 12/09/2018 16:36

First how old is the child?

Secondly it sounds as though you are looking for an excuse to stop him going to the other parent, backed up by yiur child saying they don't know why, because they think you don't want them to go.

I suspect subconsciously or even openly you have conveyed this to them and they think they are saying what you want to hear.

I think it is important for kids to have a good relationship with both parents and that the other parent should allow and even assist this to happen.

ShalomJackie · 12/09/2018 16:37

Perhaps he is saying the same when he stays at Dad's too?

Brakebackcyclebot · 12/09/2018 16:38

Impossible to say on the facts you've given. How old is he? Have you spoken to his dad? Has your house always been the family home? Are you 100% you are supportive of the current division?

SnuggyBuggy · 12/09/2018 16:38

I personally think 50/50 can be for the benefit of being fair to the parents at the cost of the child not having a stable home

Would every other weekend work better?

Brakebackcyclebot · 12/09/2018 16:42

Last question missed out sure - are you 100% sure?

I see many parents (work in related area), especially mothers, who don't want 50/50 - but it's for themselves, rather than really looking at what is right for the child.

Aprilshowersnowastorm · 12/09/2018 16:44

Who would dc rather be with when poorly?

wobytide · 12/09/2018 16:46

Would every other weekend work better?

For who exactly? The parent trying to maintain a relationship over two nights every 14 days?

There's scant information to get any relevant opinions over what is too much or too little. if you live 100 miles apart, 50/50 is unworkable. If you live round the corner and schools and friends are all local then is 50/50 unworkable? A host of other factors to consider rather than just chucking out splits of time

SnuggyBuggy · 12/09/2018 16:47

It may be better for the child to have the stability of having the same home for the majority of the time. How many adults would want to split their time 50/50 between 2 addresses?

mrsmuddlepies · 12/09/2018 16:48

There was a report on the BBC a couple of nights ago about proposals for criminalising parental alienation. I am sure you are not doing this OP but apparently it is a big thing now in family courts.

ZigZagZebras · 12/09/2018 16:54

There's a big difference between 50/50 where both parents have been working full time and doing equal parenting and involvement up until that point, and 50/50 where the child is used to one parent being the primary parent (whether both are working or not) then having to adjust to 50/50 because the other parent suddenly wants 'equal' time when they didn't previously play an equal parenting role.
Base your decision on what your son wants and what the previous set up was.

Bluecloudyskies · 12/09/2018 17:14

There was a report on the BBC a couple of nights ago about proposals for criminalising parental alienation. I am sure you are not doing this OP but apparently it is a big thing now in family courts

And when this happens I’ll truly be sorry for the women and children involved in abusive relationships with the fathers and husbands. The courts already make fatal mistakes Sad

Brakebackcyclebot · 12/09/2018 17:25

Just because the courts make mistakes sometimes where there is abuse doesn't mean the court shouldn't look at alienation. It is another form of abuse.

Doesn't help answer OP's question. OP we don't know you, your ex or your child. However, I do know that, barring abuse of any kind, it is always best if the child is able to have a close, positive rekationship with both parents.

BubblesBuddy · 12/09/2018 23:42

I didn’t think the courts were keen on 50/50 simply because the child is shifting between two homes. They prefer children to have one settled home. Therefore if the child does not want to go to a parent, this should be investigated further. It is right to question why this is happening and it is not putting pressure on the child to question why he is now not so keen on seeing his Dad. It could be something that is easily remedied. Whatever it is, try again to see if he can articulate it.

This is not anything to do with a parent influencing a child unfairly. The cases where children are pressurised incessantly and given false information about a parent and consequently refuse to go near the other parent when there is no history of that parent being unsuitable is what will be, and in fact is already, questioned. Children can, and do, change their minds about what they want to do. Parents often think 50/50 is best (and fair) whereas in reality it can be very annoying for the child if it splits up the week, for example. The needs of the child should come first and if he didn’t have a say in the 50/50 arrangement, he should now.

2018anewstart · 13/09/2018 02:33

Yes I have to agree with zig zag zebra. I think it depends on the involvement the parent has had in their life before split. I think the need to see them 50/50 can be to meet the parents needs rather than the childrens. My STBEH has had very little involvement in my childrens life. He has put work, women and hobbies before them. They have adjusted really well to the split as they are used to their dad not being around. In spite of the way he has treated me and the kids in the past I am happy for him to have access. In my case though 50/50 access would not be in the childrens best interests as it would take them away from the live they love with their friends, family and social clubs. Even now my children are saying sometimes they don't want to go with their dad as they want to continue with the life they are used to. I can't say anything as it will look like I am stopping them from going, so 9 times out of ten they have gone although my 11 year old daughter has sometimes said to her dad herself can we re arrange. I think it is down to individual circumstances and really asking what does the child want and what is in their best interests.

MissedTheBoatAgain · 13/09/2018 04:15

, especially mothers, who don't want 50/50 - but it's for themselves, rather than really looking at what is right for the child

Correct as more time child spends with father the less he has to pay in maintenance.

My ex tried it on by dropping off child in morning, but collecting around 8pm. Then dropping off again next morning at 8pm. Idea was that as there was no overnight stays CM should not be reduced. Fair play to CMS for seeing through the scam

Amaaboutthis · 13/09/2018 08:05

As a child of divorced parents who split when I was 6 I think 50/50 is just the worst of both worlds for the child. I firmly believe that children need a home base but good contact with the NRP. How many adults would like to love beyween 2 homes, 2 routines, having some of their things in one place, some in another. I can’t see it’s of any positive benefit to the majority of children. The only way it could be an option would be for the parent to move homes and the child to stay in one base and I doubt many parents would like to do that

OrcinusOrca · 13/09/2018 08:35

50/50 feels quite new. I am wondering if in a decade or two there will be lots of research about the effects on children who lived between two homes equally compared to having one main home Sad

wobytide · 13/09/2018 15:40

Because every child of a divorce where they had a main home have all turned out identical and balanced for the past century. How can you compare something where every scenario is different and they haven't lived the other scenario so no idea how they would have turned out?

Megan2989 · 13/09/2018 22:04

there already is a lot of research on it @OrcinusOrca. there are studies in the UK alone that have followed over 30,000 children. Results show that the long term affects of shared parenting (A minimun of 12 nights a months with NRP), far out weigh the negatives of having to move around alot.

There has been many world conferences that have consist of child specialists from around the world that advocate shared parenting for the long term well being of the child but unfortunately the decision lays in the hands of the law (Non child experts), although they are also now taking on board the advise.

Id be happy to direct you to the most recent recommendations from the world conference which also has the studies in.

The above outcomes only apply if there is not any domestic violence involved.

Megan2989 · 13/09/2018 22:05

So sorry, Terrible spell check on this device.

auberJohn · 14/09/2018 09:51

Hi, I'd be interested in the 50 50 outcome data on children.

Thanks.

SnuggyBuggy · 14/09/2018 11:28

The threshold for the shit behaviour of the NRP also seems depressingly high.

Brakebackcyclebot · 15/09/2018 20:01

Megsn2989 can you post a link to the research if possible? I would be v interested to read it.

Barring DV/abuse, a good relationship with both parents has to be in the best interests of the child.

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