Who should the child live with?

[Lostinheaven]

Hi,

I’m interested in everyone’s opinion on who the children should live with after divorce/separation. My son currently spends half his time with me and half with his dad. I don’t feel this is working as he asks why he has to go stay there and when asking why he doesn’t want to go he says he doesn’t know (usually his go to if he thinks he’s getting into trouble for something). I am wondering what you’re opinions are, should I still force him to go or not? I feel it’s to much for him.
TIA.

Personally i believe children should have one home and consitant contact with the none resident parent. They should stay with the parent who is the main carer.
My children are young and i deffo felt 50/50 was not the right thing for them. Personally i think the parents need to get on well for 50/50 to work, they need to have a good working relationship, which me and my ex certainly dont have!
When i went to court my solicitor said there was strong evidence from several other countries (carnt remember which ones) that 50/50 was not beneficial for such young children.

I am waiting for stbx to move out and we will have this discussion. I’ll be suggesting every other weekend and a midweek visit/sleepover. They have a good relationship but he never brushes dd’s hair and lets her watch tv all day.

I think 50/50 is too much, especially for younger kids.

My partner however is welcome in my house and me his. So this makes it easier for him to see his daughter almost every single day.

The other thing to consider is how different the two homes are. My stbxh installs a very very different diet in his house, its confused the children no end as it wasnt the diet we had while he lived with us or the diet we have now. He doesnt do homework or take them to parties, he also doesnt have a relationship with his family or have any friends. The whole household is very very different. Its at total odds with my house hold and very confusing for our young children. 50/50 would be detrimental to them.

It's not up to you, what your ex feeds or does/doesn't do with the children. Perhaps if you're so concerned that 50:50 isn't correct you might consider them living with your ex full time, and seeing you 1 day in 14 or every other weekend?

xzcvbnm

The ideal is to co-parent with the ex so that parenting is consistent and children don’t experience massive disruption.

I'm afraid "he doesn't feed him correct food", "doesn't do what I want him to do", blah blah blah are just examples of controlling behaviour and have nothing to do with consistency or "massive disruption".

@xzcvbnm if the diet is having an effect on the DCs health and not doing homework is having an effect on their education then it absolutely is to do with their other parent regardless of whether that's the mum or the dad.

Some posters seem to want to 'side with dads' regardless of the circumstances, if a dad came on saying that they had 50/50 but the mum was feeding the child a load of junk and not doing homework or allowing the children to socialise I highly doubt your reply to him would be 'why don't you reduce contact to one day a fortnight then so they're with her the majority of the time'. 🙄

So let's examine this more closely.

Firstly, the previous poster didn't say that the diet their ex is following is detrimental to their children's health. You've just drawn that conclusion because of your inbuilt prejudices. The poster stated it was a "very very different diet". For all you know, the father might be feeding the children a balanced diet, whereas the mother is feeding them 20 bars of chocolate a day.

Differences in diet don't matter per se, so long as they provide nutrition. In fact, they benefit children as they enhance the types of food a children are used to.

Secondly, on homework, I very much doubt the poster's remark. What evidence does she have? Has the school sent her a letter to tell her? Has the dad rang her up to brag the kids don't do homework when they stay with him?

I was simply referring to the insinuation that 50:50 care is bad. What these posters mean is that they don't think children have the right to spend as much time with a father as with a mother. I am therefore challenging their prejudices and flipping the scenario around. Why don't their children live full time with the father as primary caregiver and with the mother seeing the kids every other weekend?

xzc

Yes there is evidence that homework isnt done, the diet, is very restrictive and not recommended for the children, carnt say too much or i will out myself. The differences between the two house holds is immense really significant. I have been through the court system numerous times and it was agreed that 50/50 was not in the best interest of the children. There is a history of domestic abuse and control, hence what a lot of these things are based on, not doing homework because its expected of him etc etc.
The rights are not with the parents but with the children to see the parents in a safe and secure way with as minimum upheaval as possible. So yes huge huge differences on parenting does and should be taken into consideration. This was identified and challenged in court. The difference in the houses arnt the normal differences they are more extreme, this also counts not keeping to medical advise .
So in my situation 50/50 would be harmful for the children. I was given a residency order in court after he took me as his behaviour was so odd.

It’s a shame you have to explain this itsalittlebitshit - should have been obvious from your first post that the difference would be difficult for the children.

Sohard
Thank you, its a real shame as if me and my stbxh had a better relationship we would be able to discuss the differences and things could be so so different. But then again there wouldn't be any need for a residency order or a contact order. Sometimes you are just dealing with someone who is unreasonable on all accounts and unfortunately they put the children in the middle of it. Being 50/50 would make a lot harder for the kids.

Yes - I think it’s hard on kids even when the parents get on ok and have similar parenting styles.

Iris

Thats so lovely and a situation im sure many parents would like.

Why do people assume 50/50 is tough on kids and one home would be easier, assuming they have 2 well equipped homes and their needs are provided for?

Are the wealthy who go to their country houses every weekend and holidays in some way deprived of having one stable home?

50/50 tends to work when the parents have similar lifestyles, don’t hate each other, and don’t live far from each other; if they can move their stuff freely between houses and neither parent tries to emotionally blackmail them. That’s not how it works in practice though.

It is very, very possible your son is saying what he thinks you want to hear. It’s also possible this isn’t working for him. Suggest you sit down with your son and talk it all out.

I think every child is different and what works for one won't work for everyone. I think as parents you have to ask what your children want and what is best for them and be completely honest. My two are happy to see their dad (most of the time) but they want to live with me. This is a result of choices he has made in his life and he needs to accept that. Unfortunately their dad has put work, hobbies and women before his children so therefore they don't actually miss him that much now hes not around. They see him twice a week with no overnights and they are happy with that. I think the biggest lesson that you can teach your children is to invest time in the people that matter to you and treat them well.

Every child is different.
We have a very fluid set up, around my work - I have to travel a lot, in order to stay living 5 minutes from my daughter’s father. So some weeks she only goes on Tue (our fixed night) and others Sun-Thu.
She has two homes. Not a home and a house.
Both homes are fully kitted our for her. She has the freedom to move anything but tech devices between homes, though rarely does as she has everything she needs.

The styles are different - she openly giggles about mine being the Homework house, and his being the Capri Sun lunchbox house. She’s 9 and been doing this for 5 years - there’s nothing confusing about realising that your parents are different! We’re identical in one way: we both make her feel loved and secure.

It wouldn’t work for every child, but she was always very flexible before - we used to take off camping or staying with friends/family half the weekends anyway! Like a PP said, it’s like having a well used holiday home - it feels like home.

I think it’s a fair point that adults might not like swapping... but actually, if they have both homes set up how they want them, they might not mind. Last year I spent my time approx 1/2 at home, 1/4 abroad, 1/4 at my fiancé’s. Not everybody is bothered by moving around!

Actually, I’d prefer to have her 24/7.
But she loves being with both of us. She’s allowed to say if she wants to go back early / stay longer at one of her homes - she very rarely does - so I think she’s happy with the balance too.

I know all children are different - but knowing your own child is far more important than knee jerk anti-50/50 comments from those without experience.

Talk to him, OP.

What a racket around a mum considering less than a 50/50.
You would think mothers are made of pure vengeance and self interest only. Parental alienation is a big trend now, I wander how the current generation of divorce children forced in relationships with fathers who care more about not paying maintenance than about the children will do. Only time will tell.
In the meantime this new demonize-the-mother trend is getting far beyond ridiculous. Never mind the mother has made sacrifices (such as career, socializing, free time) to raise the children while the dad enjoyed a minimally disrupted lifestyle, all the love and dedication a mother has put in before the relationship breakdown means nothing when the (suddenly turned paternal) father cries "alienation".
I have seen in my life many mothers who have endured violence, poverty and much grief to raise their children and equally as many men who walked away without a thought. That is the reality, the evil self interested mother is the exception so stop assuming every mother who doesn't want a 50-50 is trying to alienate.

Its usually the mother who takes on the responsobility apart from the few divorces I have handled where the mother./father was unfit due to Alcohol or drugs or vice versa

Sorry

Children are entitled to see mum and dad equally.

Period. Unless some form of abuse is occurring.

Shared parenting works perfectly well for lots of people and children. Certainly in my case.

Snuggy buggy i agree it appears that too often the nrp just mentally checks out. Even if they continue to see the child/s their not really parenting, and certainty not taking on their fair share of parenting duties. Eg no homework, bathing, taking to birthday parties etc etc. I find it so so sad, it appears that they often just do the minimum.

Every case is Sui generis but, why, when a couple have opted to split responsibilities re money and childcare does splitting up mean the money is now shared but the children are not?!

Of course there are useless fathers (and also plenty of lazy parent mothers) but, on the whole, children hugely benefit from having both their parents in their lives to a significant degree. Why would stepdaddy (who will frequently appear fairly soon) be better than actual 50% DNA Daddy (and do not underestimate the significance of the biological component).

And if the children are used to a SAHm and a WOHF they need to continue to see both as role models as they grow up.

Divorce is about making sacrifices and adjustments and that cannot only be one sided.

The ones making the sacrifices and adjustments appear to be the children