Who should the child live with?

[Lostinheaven]

Hi,

I’m interested in everyone’s opinion on who the children should live with after divorce/separation. My son currently spends half his time with me and half with his dad. I don’t feel this is working as he asks why he has to go stay there and when asking why he doesn’t want to go he says he doesn’t know (usually his go to if he thinks he’s getting into trouble for something). I am wondering what you’re opinions are, should I still force him to go or not? I feel it’s to much for him.
TIA.

[ClaireAngelaReid]

It’s s hard one, if you’re prepared to do the heavy lifting then yes you should be given the opportunity to do so. I would have welcomed 50/50 that didn’t mean 50% unless something more important pops up

[Ss770640]

@ClaireAngelaReid

Courts seem to default to a 2 night fortnightly visitation period.

I don't know why.

But it's hardly fair on any father or child to have access only 1/7th of the time.

[ClaireAngelaReid]

Ss770640 - the courts don’t think it’s equal or just so if that’s what you’ve hot there’s a reason for it. Care to elaborate?

[Allalittlebitshit2019]

I think if the nrp wants to be as involved, Drs app, homework etc etc and if the separated parents can have a good working relationship 50/50 can work. I suspect the courts could agree. But I suspect the real reason a lot of nrp choose not to be as involved. They enjoy/like having less responsibility. They have often left and have a new focus and to be blunt arnt thst interested. I think your probably an exception to the rule, good on you i wish more nrp took their roll more seriously.

[Drawtheline14]

Neither do I Ss77 but I don’t think 50/50 works great either. Lucky for us we didn’t need a court order as everything was agreed between us. My husband had 2 nights a mont hand that’s all he wants (apart from special occasions. I even offered him Boxing Day night as extra and he turned it down. Unfortunately not all fathers think like you

[Ss770640]

I'm horrified that courts think 2 days a fortnight is somehow equal and just.

I currently have my son half the time. And love having him around. Even when he grumps.

It's the highlight of my week.

[Allalittlebitshit2019]

Ss77
I'm not sure I agree that men provide most finances?? Cm means that they pay the bear minimum. £150 my husband pays for his 2 children per month!!! Thank God I don't contribute the same!!

[Drawtheline14]

Ss770640

I don’t think she meant it like that at all, I think she was just stating that if they weren’t ‘hands on’ why would that be any different when they are separated. I know so many fathers that I know fob that kids off to baby sitters in their time so why shouldn’t that time be spent with the mother rather than a baby sitter.

My husband gave his mum the kids on a day he had them, he has them every other weekend and he couldn’t even manage that.

Only two dads I know wanted 50/50 all the others can barely cope every other weekend, cancelling last minute, dropping them off early.

My husband’s latest excuse was he was off for tapas so couldn’t have them that weekend 🤷🏼‍♀️

I think it’s great if you’re a father and fighting it! Please talk to my kids dad and get him to show a little more encouragement.

[Ss770640]

@pearl

That's sexism.

Many fathers are hands on. They are also the ones who provide the most financially.

Families are team efforts and children require both parents not excluding bad parenting or abuse of some kind.

[PearsOfWisdom]

All these fathers advocating for 50:50. I’d love to know how many of them were doing half the parenting and housework before the split.

My guess is very few. Otherwise some of the divorces wouldn’t have happened.

And I’d also like to know how many of those who get the 50:50 actually care for the children themselves and don’t sub contract it to their mother or their new Female partner. So many step mums on MN complaining about being left to do everything .

[Allalittlebitshit2019]

So much better.
Thank you i was getting confused. I know they didn't use the term any more, but thought residency order was used instead.
Yes only server abuse is considered i experienced this.

[somuchbetter]

Allalittlebitshit2019 - no, full custody (the term no longer exists legally speaking) involves the children spending all the time with one parent and not the other.
Ss770640 - And that is because? But perhaps you see no justification better than self justification, who knows. As for abuse and neglect , know that only severe cases are taken into consideration, nobody in the system even blinks at emotional abuse (despite of what the law says it is the sad reality). They actually have thresholds for intervention.

[Demented101]

Those are really good points @somuchbetter. I think 50/50 is the ideal but that is only if that has been the case up to the separation/divorce.

I think there can be some playacting around this issue for the very reasons you mention. Lets assume that the NRP would have had every chance to display full involvement in their childrens life up to the point of separation but hasnt availed of it, why the scramble to ensure their rights after it?

I too would have concerns about their needs being met in a 50/50 arrangement. Basic stuff like education, social life, hygiene etc. I know they need a full relationship with him and to feel loved and supported in both homes but am not prepared to subject them to some weird experiment to meet his feelings of entitlement even though 50/50 would benefit my working life. They have enough going on for them with this shit happening anyway. Why shouldnt I consider them? Thats what I have always done but he doesnt understand that outlook...

[Allalittlebitshit2019]

When a parent goes for full custody (residency order) i am presuming you mean they live with one parent and see the other parent?? I think it just means one parent has the childreb more than 50%?

[Ss770640]

Unless there is abuse or neglect, and a will to parent:

It should be 50/50.

Otherwise don't leave the relationship or try harder to make it work.

Seems like too much self justification going on in these threads.

[somuchbetter]

unicornchaser - there are lots of reasons a NRP would ask for 50/50
He may genuinely want to care and parent the children
or
He may feel entitled to have the children but have no genuine desire or know-how to parent
He may wish to not pay or pay as little as possible CM, or they fear the asset split will be more favorable to the RP if the children are there most of the time
Control or simply an attitude of revenge towards the other parent, yes hurting the other parent through the kids is fairly common side effect of divorce

50-50 default care gives the benefit of the doubt to the NRP and doesn't consider the child's best interest
It makes a lot more sense to look at how a parent behaved prior to breakup as it is a strong indication of how the relationship with the children will continue.
Why should an absentee father, one who never cared much for the kids be suddenly considered a competent parent? It makes no sense. If he demonstrated years of neglect why would they suddenly become good parents

In addition, children don't just get used to it. Perhaps the biggest convenience misconception is that "children are resilient". They adjust and adapt but they suffer sooo much, many are left with life long scars and some never adjust. Some have self esteem problems, depression, anxiety. This conception is there to put the divorcing parents minds at ease but it doesn't do justice to the children.

I would love to be in a situation where 50/50 would work for the kids, it would allow me to expand my career a lot faster, it would benefit me financially. In my dreams my ex would be a caring parent who would be proud of the kids and happy to do things for them, my kids would feel safe and loved and valued in both houses. It is not the case though. But he does ask for 50/50 and has threatened me to go for full custody.

If 50/50 was the norm I fear my kids would be severely damaged emotionally, their education would suffer and, given the considerable differences between the two households and how they function, they would not feel they have two homes, but two different bed stays.

In the future, if the children will feel at ease with the dad and how he treats them, if their relationship will become one of care and mutual respect, I will happily consider a 50/50. But I don't hold my breath for it.

Those of you who can never fathom the situation where you would have to seriously consider the safety and happiness of your children because it is a given are really fortunate. Just don't assume it is a universal rule. Plenty parents are not as lucky and what they don't agree with the 50/50 it is because they put the well being of their children first.

[SunnyintheSun]

Where I live (not UK) 50:50 is the norm. I guess you go into having kids knowing this is the likely outcome if a relationship breaks down and kids see their friends doing week about too so don’t question it. It doesn’t work for all children but I know lots who do thrive on it. And the dads here do seem to be more hands on?

[unicornchaser]

These kind of posts anger me. The responses are always full of mothers saying the fathers should not get 50/50. Why the hell not?! Is the child not 50% the dads?!
I get if there is abuse or the dad is a waster, but surely an absentee father isn't going to be fighting for access in the first place so isn't a valid argument?

I am a stepmum. Currently we have SS 2nights/3 days every week. Initially it was every weekend from 5pm Friday - 5pm Sunday when SS was 3.5-6. We were the ones baffled that the child mum didn't want any weekend time with her son but we happily went with her arrangement here.

Eventually DH reassessed this with ex as we felt that SS should get weekend time with his mum to do 'fun' stuff and not just the routine school pick up, dinner, home work & bed through the week and so both parents now have one day and night at the weekend with him.
Unless there is an event or a reason for a change then the days are always the same so he knows exactly where he is and on what day.

And also bollocks to any attitudes of a child should not have 2 homes. They adjust and adapt and it makes them no worse off as long as they have a structure and routine to how their weeks are made up!

With the OP's son saying he 'doesn't know' why he doesn't want to go to his dads, this is likely just an age related phase. SS went through a phase where every answer to every question was just I don't know.

[Herja]

I do feel that's important Rebecca we live a 5 minute walk from each other for that reason. For now it makes school play dates and birthday parties easy and if tjey want to see eitherf of us for any reason it's easy to facilitate. As they get older it will help with their own social lives, so it doesn't cause one parent to be forgotten.

[Allalittlebitshit2019]

Ella

I hear your pain. Xx
But does it work for the children? Are they happy and are their needs met in both homes.? Even if he hit you the out come may well have been the same. He needs to failing the children for the courts to consider it! X

[Rebecca36]

I'm all for parents having shared custody but as children get older, they usually have a social life in the same area as one parent and that takes precedence. It's OK if both parents live near eachother.

Ultimately it is up to the child to choose.

[Ella1980]

My controlling and abusive ex took me to court simply because he was that, controlling. He applied for full custody (no, I kid you not). Our children were 3 and 6 st the time. Courts decided to go with exactly 50/50 split to 'make it fair'. Do I think that decision was in the best intereats of the children? No. Their father's primary aim was to get at me and boy, did he succeed. Almost five years on and I'd like to say it's easier. But the reality is I don't feel like a mother. I am 11 days again without my children. The devastating impact the decision the courts made has hurt me beyond measure. I wish I'd have stayed until he physically hit me and things would have been so much better in the long run. A sad state of affairs.

[Drawtheline14]

Three days at a time**

[Drawtheline14]

Allabitshit2019

Exactly, most have left because it’s too ‘difficult’ because being a parent gives them the choice to walk away but this isn’t just for father’s I know of a number of mums that left and never came back.

My solicitor said every other weekend is the norm. Whilst they are so young too having a week from not seeing either parent isn’t great. So I think if you were considering going a long with it then it shouldn’t be more than three days at a day and that’s a lot of to and froing xx

[Allalittlebitshit2019]

Drawthe line
That was kind of my point. Im not sure a lot of nrp actually want them 50/50. They left for a reason and that's often that they dont like/bord of family life. Its mundane they want the single life. Obvioisly not all nrp though, i just wish it wasnt this way.