6 week old baby, partner not helping, don’t know what to do.

[makeupgirlie]

AIBU: We have a 6 week old beautiful baby. My partner has a full time job and I’m obviously with the baby all day every day. My partner will do one feed in the evening when go and shower and then I’m back on the night shift. There are times I have woken him for the 2-3am feed and he seems to get very mad at this. I only wake him when I am struggling with tiredness and just want some help so I’m not falling asleep whilst feeding the baby. He tells me ‘I have a job’ ‘every other mother seems to do it’ ‘I don’t understand why you don’t just nap in the day it’s not hard’ in beginning to get really upset. I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable with asking him for help as he reminds me he works. I told him I think others partners help them and he tells me ‘I’d like to see one who has a job’.
i really don’t know what to do as I’m worried of getting burnt out. I get near to no sleep and if I do it’s like 4 hours a night. I try to nap in the day but for some reason I struggle with day time sleeping.
I'm beginning to feel like I can’t ask for help.

Do you have any other family support? He should absolutely be helping you and I’m so sorry that’s not happening.

I’m so sorry, this is horrible but it’s common.

You need to start by getting the help which you need to be able to sleep, and then worry about the relationship in a couple of months once baby is a bit bigger and you’re sleeping a reasonable amount.

Do you have anyone who you can ask to come and help for a few days? Your mum? His mum? A close friend or sister? Or someone who you can go and stay with?

You have a full time job too, one so full time, in fact, that it’s 24/7. I can confirm that not ‘every other seems to do it’ or certainly not without having a breakdown and nor is it easy to just nap in the day, especially with the unpredictability of baby napping. This early phase is so incredibly tough (it does get better!) and he needs to be supporting you and helping to find a solution. Can he help more at the weekends so you can catch up a bit then? Please look in to ‘home start’, too, volunteers who can offer help where needed and take any family help if possible. Repeat the phrase ‘this too shall pass’!

Unfortunately it’s been quite hard to get some help. My mum has an illness where she really needs her rest and also she works all day every day. I don’t really have many friends and the one I know would be there lives over 200 miles away. His family are currently in conflict and I have no siblings, rest of my family lives 3 hours away.
The comments of ‘every other mother seems to be able to do it’ just makes me feel like I shouldn’t ask for help either way.

Have told him that I have a full time job and mine doesn’t finish at the end of the day but he says it’s not a competition. I really never thought it would be like this.

The best advice I can give you is get on reliable contraception asap and plan to go back to work.

He is a fucking loser.

In the meantime look up council stay and plays, mum breastfeeding cafes, baby massage classes. Anything that gets you out and with people who are empathetic (not just pathetic).

Stop doing any laundry or cooking for him or anything "him" based. (Errands / admin) focus on your recovery and health and the baby

Even if you cant sleep when baby sleeps lie down close your eyes and rest.
Stay hydrated.

I worked with guys that pissed about during the day failing equipment that led to overtime so they didn't have to go home to help with the kids and scamming money from the company.
Pricks

Every other mother doesn’t do it by herself, that’s why other women find it easier, because their partners are helping.

Can you call your friend who lives 200 miles away and explain what’s happening? Maybe you could stay with her for a week so that you can catch up on sleep?

Can you call your mum and explain what’s happening? Maybe she can take a couple of days off and come and look after the baby? I know you find it tricky to sleep in the day but I think you’d manage to if you knew that your mum had the baby. Or maybe she could come over early evening and look after the baby 7-10 so that you can go to sleep early and get a few hours.

Everything will feel easier once you’ve got some sleep. But, I also agree with a pp about rock-solid contraception and plan to go back to work.

No it's not a competition, it's reality!
I found the first 6 weeks with my first baby absolutely shattering. Whilst nothing magically changed after that, I did feel a little less wiped out.
Your DH does need to help out though. Yes he's out at work but looking after a baby when he's not at work is different. He can't just opt out because he doesn't feel like doing it!
Sleep deprivation is a form of torture, so not to be taken lightly .
Even if you can't sleep during the day, do try and rest. Try to go to bed earlier in the evening and sleep then, whilst your DH is around and able to give a feed. If you have to wake him for the early morning feed, you have to. He can be as grumpy as he likes about it but you need the support and you need to keep pushing for it.
I EBF, so I did do all the feeds but DH did support where he could. Also, once the babies were weaned, I made him do any night wakings (,he usually woke before me anyway!!) as 'payback' for all the times I'd have to be awake to feed the babies!! He never argued about that one!

I could have written a similar post when DS was newborn. Things did change as I got desperate. There were times I told (not asked) DH to watch the baby as I was going to sleep, or in the night I would say "your turn, I've already been up twice tonight."
Do contact your HV or GP for support too. Mine were both enormously helpful as my sleep deprivation was a factor in my PND.

OP, just to reassure you - Your husband doesn't know what he's talking about. I didn't do it. My sisters-in-law didn't do it. None of my friends did it. I know there are women who do, but most women have help. Don't feel bad because you're struggling. Most cultures provide new mothers with lots of help in the first months after a baby is born because it's so hard to do it on your own. He is being incredibly selfish.

I wouldn't have asked my DH to do a 2-3am feed if he was working the next day, can you try to get some rest in the day? Could he do some over the weekend say Friday night and Saturday night so you get a good sleep those days?

That sounds so so tough. There’s nothing like that bone deep exhaustion and of course it’s cumulative.

When my LO was that age, I would go to bed at 7pm and his dad would stay up and do the 10pm feed then go to bed. It mean that when the baby woke up at midnight, I’d had 5hrs sleep and could carry on and do all the night feeds. And the days he slept until 2am felt like a lie in! It meant we didn’t have much of an evening together but meant we could cope in terms of sleep. Would that be feasible for you and your partner?

When my DC were tiny, I would go to bed at about 8pm, DH woukd do the midnight feed and bring baby to bed. I would then takeover and do the 2/3am and 6am feed. Means we would both get some sleep. Can you suggest this?

Sadly I think this is common. The reality of how hard a first newborn is is shocking, and lots of men realise they can just refuse to play their part.

My DH is a night owl and I’m a bit more of a lark. Where we ended up was with him taking the reins until 1am and me going to bed at 9pm. That way, the first four hours was baked in. He would have DD downstairs. After that, I was in charge for wakings. I expressed a bottle DH gave DD just before he went to bed to try to maximise sleep. From 4am I took the baby downstairs to try to give him proper rest for the last few hours of the night.

Also try to bake in one lie-in per person at the weekend as soon as possible. He’ll fight that one too, I expect, but it’s vital.

I’m sorry he’s so useless and ill informed. I think going to bed at 7pm to get some solid hours in is a really good suggestion - this is what we did and it is still tough but hopefully temporary in the grand scheme of things. I exclusively breastfed but my husband did whatever he possibly could around that (whilst working full time). I also agree about considering contraception and an eventual back to work plan so that you don’t become dependent on someone so horrible - the comment he made about other women managing is not just a lie but also really cruel.

I wouldn't ask him to be helping if he's got to get up and drive to work in a few hours, that said what's his excuse for the weekend?

Tbf I was EBF so no my husband didn’t do the night feeds ever- and we have 4 kids. But what I would say is if I had needed him to help during the night he would.
However you need to try to find a way that works @makeupgirlie so I’d suggest you have an early night and let your husband do baby duty until 11pm or even midnight so you get a chunk of sleep to set you up for the rest of the night. If you can sleep 7.30-11.30pm for example. Then you do need to persevere with trying to nap when baby naps at some point in the day (as if you have more than one child believe me you’ll wish you’d take this opportunity now!)
But you and your husband have to be a team and he needs to stop thinking that his job (which starts and stops at set times and allows him breaks) trumps your 24/7 one.

I think you need to have a proper sit down and explain that most women do get some help. From their partners, their families and their friends.
So he's plain wrong. Now that doesn't mean he has to do the 3am feed. But it does mean that he needs to step up and cover so you can sleep in the evenings. What times does he go to bed? Can you go early as PP suggested? Get a few hours kip in and he does bedtime with baby and then comes to bed later. You can then cover nights. He gets up a bit earlier in the morning and covers abut of morning before he goes to work so then you can get an hour or so extra.
Weekends he needs to be covering much more. These weeks are hard so he can't expect to live a normal life. It does get better ! But you need to muddle through as a partnership and he needs to help you

Rephrase it. It's not help you want from him, you want him to pull his weight.

You are a mother 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. He works about 40 hours a week, 47 weeks a year.

Every other mother isn’t doing it all by themselves. I ebf one baby so DH didn’t do any of those night feeds but he did take the baby after they’d been fed so he did any nappy changes/settling. With second DS he would give a bottle at night. With both once he was back at work we settled into a routine where I would go to bed early and he would come up around 11 so I got some sleep and same in the morning he would get up early with them so I could get some more sleep as I did the true night wakings. He would be very hands on with the baby on th weekends to let me get some rest.

Don’t be ridiculous, mothers in the US go back to work when the baby is 3 months old, who do you think gets up in the night?

@makeupgirlie your dh is wrong, he absolutely should be parenting his own dc and he could easily stay up with the baby until 1 am to allow you to sleep from 9 pm.
I ebf and my dh still got up with me so he could settle the baby whilst I got back to sleep as quickly as possible.

First piece of advice - make sure you are using contraception just now. One baby is hard enough, don't risk adding another in so soon.

My DH worked in a safety critical job so needed to sleep and couldn't always help as years ago he did 7pm to 7am or 7am to 7pm. Usually two days followed by two nights when my two older children were newborn. But on his rest days he helped me as much as he could to let me rest. I understood not to disturb him during the day when he had to sleep.

What does your partner do for a living? If he does a non safety critical role he should be pulling his weight in the evening.

"The comments of ‘every other mother seems to be able to do it’ just makes me feel like I shouldn’t ask for help either way."

Don't ask for help. Every other mother isn't with a father who doesn't appreciate that there is more to fatherhood than ejaculating some sperm.

Incredibly grateful for all of your comments 🙏🏼
My mum can’t come until two weeks time but that’s something to look forward to.
I am just deeply shock at DH, I did not think it would be like this.