6 week old baby, partner not helping, don’t know what to do.

[makeupgirlie]

AIBU: We have a 6 week old beautiful baby. My partner has a full time job and I’m obviously with the baby all day every day. My partner will do one feed in the evening when go and shower and then I’m back on the night shift. There are times I have woken him for the 2-3am feed and he seems to get very mad at this. I only wake him when I am struggling with tiredness and just want some help so I’m not falling asleep whilst feeding the baby. He tells me ‘I have a job’ ‘every other mother seems to do it’ ‘I don’t understand why you don’t just nap in the day it’s not hard’ in beginning to get really upset. I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable with asking him for help as he reminds me he works. I told him I think others partners help them and he tells me ‘I’d like to see one who has a job’.
i really don’t know what to do as I’m worried of getting burnt out. I get near to no sleep and if I do it’s like 4 hours a night. I try to nap in the day but for some reason I struggle with day time sleeping.
I'm beginning to feel like I can’t ask for help.

If he genuinely thinks ‘every other mother seems to do it’ and therefore ‘every father does nothing’ then he is in company only with selfish dickheads and so I would suggest finding a completely new circle.

Shouldn’t just be women helping.

Working is no excuse. DH used to wake up at 4am everyday to take the early AM shift so that I could sleep at minimum 4-8am until he had to leave for work (or other times he'd take any wakes pre midnight/1am). He had no paternity leave and worked full time around also doing his degree full time - it was a wild time. He has always been very difficult to wake in the night (once I almost could not get him up to get to the airport on time as he was just so drowsy!) so we knew prior to having a baby that swapping over each wake was not going to work... but pre-organised "shifts" worked very well as you can have a cuppa and wake up properly for your 'shift'.

Does your DH have friends who have kids? Are they good parents?

When we had our eldest, DH didn't know anyone who had kids so was basing his expected role on what his own dad did (v little). But now we are older and have a group of friends with kids, they all talk about what they do and kind of shame each other when they aren't pulling their weight and it's very nice (as well as sharing tips/supporting each other obv). DH does also have some work colleagues that seem to pride themselves on never doing anything with their kids which is bizarre but unfortunately not as uncommon as I would have imagined.

PS sorry you're going through this OP. It know it feels very very lonely. Do you have any mum friends yet? Going to groups (church hall type ones are nice and relaxed over the organised baby sensory type if you want to get to know someone imo) can help you feel less alone x

I feel quite teary reading your post OP. I had to do it myself as no family near by or friends willing to help with a non sleeping, high needs baby. My DH was useless. Didn't help. He was too tired apparently. I was on my knees by 6 months. I basically tried to throw him out and he did step up a bit but he was mostly utterly useless. I will never forgive him. Mine did change nappies though so yours is worse. The fact your DHs sleep is more important at 6 weeks than helping his wife and child tells you all you need to know. Don't be a martyr. He's not going to get any better. I want to give you a big hug. He's a total shit.

My Ex H worked full time and was also studying for his accountancy qualifications and still managed to always help me. He had DD from as soon as he'd finished dinner to when he went to bed - I would go to sleep for about four hours in the evening

I was so tired that I didn't feel safe looking after her

I agree with the advice to go to bed early evening, I sometimes went to bed at 6PM and got some sleep before the next feed. I bf so had to wake up after 2-3 hours, but it really helped. As you're bottle feeding, you can probably get 6 hours if he does a 10/11pm feed before he goes to bed.

Oh OP, no women shouldn't have to do it alone but many do because once baby is here there is no choice. As per PP try and get the 7-midnight slot to prepare you for the night, take what you can in the middle and rest even if you don't sleep in the day.
There is nothing like newborn sleep deprivation but in a few short weeks you will get longer stretches. I tried to speak to XH about it but can count on 1 hand the number of night wakings/early mornings he did. DD has stayed overnight 3 times in the last year. It wasn't the only reason but I won't ever forget his behaviour at one of my most vulnerable times. Also, try to meet other new mums. I know it's the last thing you feel like doing but venting with them is so cathartic.

My DH did the early shift every day, I would breastfeed at 5/6ish then hecwould take the baby down with him until he had to go to work, or until the baby next needed feeding if he was WFH or weekend. Where your baby is bottle fed there is no reason your DH can't let you sleep in as long as you need on the weekend. Or indeed do Friday and Saturday nights to give you a full night sleep.

This is exactly what we did. Knowing I was going to have a long stretch of sleep every evening kept me sane

He has a full time job and so do you and then you BOTH have another one as well
When we were at this stage DH got home at 6 and then took the baby while I did anything such as bottles etc and then I went to bed at around 9 and he brought the baby up at 11 and then i did the nights as he had to get up for work
Weekends we were 50/50
And don't frame it as him "helping", its parenting and a joint enterprise

In the early days I went to bed around 8pm whenever I had fed DS and DH did the next feed which would be around 11pm. Then at 2am and 5am I did the next feeds. I ended up with a 5hr ish block of sleep at the start of the night and a couple of short naps between feeds. I was tired but this was enough to survive. DH slept from midnight ish through until about 7 and he’d probably napped as well while I was asleep. It was a bit broken for him as he heard me get up in the early hours but it was enough for him to function at work too. The early days don’t last forever you just need to find a way to cope until the night wakings become fewer and more spread out.

I didn't ask DH to do the night feeds when I was on mat leave but after I could express and she would take a bottle he would do the 11pm for me which I found worse as I'd be so tired. So then I could get a few hours in between going to bed earlier and the middle of the night one, which I found better. Also worked for him as he never went to bed before midnight anyway.

When were were both back at work we took it in turns to get up in the night and had one lie-in each at the weekend.

He isn't having lack of change and why would his hormones not help? The massive change he's had is that his partner has birthed a baby.

This is depressingly common! But no, of course you’re not being unreasonable. It saddens me how often I hear your exact situation being shared on here and other places. It’s not fair at all, but I think you already know that. For context, I have two DCs and my partner works four days a week, and is a brilliant hands on dad, but my situation should be the norm! Standards for dads seem to be through the floor and it is such a shame. I hope things improve for you OP x

This is not sharing parenting. Do you know any other parents? It sounds like he needs a reality check preferably from an involved dad.

Once DH went back to work, he took the straight after dinner til normal adult bedtime shift while I slept for 3+ hours bar a quick feed (boobs) then I did the small hours before handing DS over for an hour or so in the morning to sleep a little more then DS was brought in time for a nap which we coslept for.
It was better planned so DH got an almost normal stretch through the small hours

He doesn’t sound very helpful but I agree with some of what he’s said.

And a lot of it depends on his job. If he’s operating machinery, driving or doing brain surgery then he needs sleep.

And make sure you sleep when your baby sleeps.

Your husband is a twat and every other mother doesn’t do it alone. Don’t have another one!

Whereas she has to get up and look after baby all day….

Just because a job is paid doesn’t make it more difficult.

It's not helping you, it's parenting HIS child.

Helping you would be something like taking a parcel to the post office or checking over your tax forms.

He is a parent now. Feeding, playing with, bathing, changing, dressing his baby is part of parenting. He wanted a child, that child is his joint responsibility.

Firstly, the comment comparing you to other mothers was very spiteful! He should absolutely be apologising for that!! You need him to build you up not put you down as a fragile new mum.Things like that can cause PND.

Not a popular opinion on here (and kind of irrelevant for me as I breastfeed during the night so am the one to be up anyway) but even if was bottle feeding i wouldn't expect my husband to get up in the night when he has a full day at work as he has a 30min drive each way and a physical job, plus doesn't cope aswell with less sleep as me, HOWEVER if he worked from home or close by, had a non-physical job etc i would get him up more, and also if I was consistently the amount of sleep you are (not enough to function safely the next day with driving etc) i would absolutely be getting him to help me out abit, especially at weekends but even in the week.I did used to get him to do the odd bottle feed in the newborn stage if I had been up for hours and baby wouldn't settle, especially whilst he was on paternity leave.
I had the same as you when baby was a newborn, I actually fell asleep afew times feeding and it's scary! In our case, in the first few weeks baby was not settling til 12/1 on some nights then waking regularly so I started to get an early night to get a head start whilst husband had baby for the evening, and i took over when he came to bed.Would that be an option for you?
Also, at weekends when my husband doesn't have work, there is a expectation that if I have had a tricky night with baby he will always get up with him and our older kids and give me a lie in without question.
I agree with PP, you need to tell him not ask....don't allow him to have an option, as she is his baby too! Unfortunately even decent men can be inherently self absorbed with these sort of things!

Oh I think you need to give him a big wake up call! This weekend, tell him you're taking a day off and leave him in charge ALL DAY. He can make up bottles and change nappies - he just has to learn! Don't give him the opportunity to duck out of parenting, when he's home it's just as much his job as yours!

I understand that you want him to want to spend time with his baby but if he's not doing it enthusiastically and willingly, then tough - he still has to do it! When he gets home, hand him the baby and a bottle, tell him you're going for a long soak in the bath and a lie down because you've been up in the night and had the baby all day. Then walk away and let him get on with it.

He'll never pull his weight unless you make him. So make him!

Great advice!

I’m sorry your h is so useless, op.

Yes this. DH did Friday and Saturday nights.