6 week old baby, partner not helping, don’t know what to do.

[makeupgirlie]

AIBU: We have a 6 week old beautiful baby. My partner has a full time job and I’m obviously with the baby all day every day. My partner will do one feed in the evening when go and shower and then I’m back on the night shift. There are times I have woken him for the 2-3am feed and he seems to get very mad at this. I only wake him when I am struggling with tiredness and just want some help so I’m not falling asleep whilst feeding the baby. He tells me ‘I have a job’ ‘every other mother seems to do it’ ‘I don’t understand why you don’t just nap in the day it’s not hard’ in beginning to get really upset. I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable with asking him for help as he reminds me he works. I told him I think others partners help them and he tells me ‘I’d like to see one who has a job’.
i really don’t know what to do as I’m worried of getting burnt out. I get near to no sleep and if I do it’s like 4 hours a night. I try to nap in the day but for some reason I struggle with day time sleeping.
I'm beginning to feel like I can’t ask for help.

Glad you started the thread, too.

Does he have any family or friends?

This has just come to light for me!

Yeah he’s got family and friends but doesn’t see his friends much.

Sounds sensible with the bonus of not having to spend the evening with this arse!

A few practical things:
you both need sleep and this is the shit bit when you are really really really tired. He can’t really help you every night and still work. He should be helping sometimes.
you do need to nap in the day. Tempting as it is to get things done when baby sleeps; you really need to sleep then aswell - save your sanity above everything else.
any other family support nearby? Don’t be afraid to ask others for help too.

this part is the hardest most gruelling part and it’s when I really struggled aswell. Xxxx

He shouldn’t be “helping you”. He should be parenting. You’ve got a day job. He’s got a day job. The evening job should be shared. Then you need to work out about the nights. In practice as you’re not in paid work just now it probably falls to you. He should do some parenting at weekends.

If he’s like this now, it’s unlikely to change for the better. It’s likely you’ll end up doing everything for the house and child forever. So you need to communicate your expectations asap.

He could do his bit in the evening.
FFS what's with the helping? He is the baby's parent too.

Do any of his friends have children?
Does his family know he’s so useless and heartless?

I don't think you understand. She means that her partner did shiftwork. If they're asleep during the day, they need to be left alone to do their job at night. Mine had long stints in-between shifts often 7 or 8 day stretches where he could help but other days he just couldn't doing 12 hr shifts. Especially the nights.

Lots on this thread think partners are only available to help on weekends. Wrong. Many people out there work shifts. So often are working at weekends and rest days fall during the week.....

We have no idea what line of work OP's partner does. If safety critical post, he will need adequate rest but can help out on his rest days. There's no excuse for him slacking off. He's responsible for this baby as much as OP is.

If the mother ship goes down.....

Childcare is women's work. Housework is women's work. Cooking is women's work.
When you have a baby, that baby is your sole responsibility, and you must suck it up.
If (or when) you go back to work, none of this changes.

If the sperm donor lives in the home, you can ask him politely for some help, but the work is yours. Don't realistically expect him to do more than play with or bathe the child. His role is to earn money.

Any requests for real help, practical or emotional, should be directed towards a female relative or friend. If they refuse they are cold and heartless.

Stop with the HELP.
The father/partner needs to pull his weight not 'help'.

I do understand very clearly. I think it’s actually you who doesn’t understand. I am a shift worker and have had twins so well versed in how demanding the baby phase is. Life goes on. Babies Dad’s can’t just opt out if they have a job. They aren’t “helping”, they should be parenting

@Every1ElseInKnowsleydid you know it’s 2026 not 1926???

her post was very clearly sarcasm

So how come most of the posters are pretty much saying what I posted?

@husbandcallsmepickle , many not most.
Had you read to the end of my post, you'd have seen that it's the repeated use of the term help that is making me cross.

Like @SweatySpider321 posted "Babies Dad’s can’t just opt out if they have a job. They aren’t “helping”, they should be parenting."

This makes my blood boil on your behalf! My dh wasn’t quite this bad, but he just didn’t ’get it’ with our first. He just couldn’t see how my life had changed beyond recognition, yet his remained largely unchanged other than been slightly more tired. We did marriage counselling in the end and that, plus just maturing (him!) helped and the positive news is that he managed to turn it around and now gives equal importance and weight to my ‘me time’ as he does his own.

Mind you, he wasn’t saying things like ‘other mums manage, why can’t you’ - I suspect we’d have needed a funeral director and not a marriage counsellor if he had!! 😡

Just know that you’re doing amazing, especially because you’re doing all of it! That doesn’t mean that’s how it should be, but know that you’re basically a super hero.

❤️

My husband works full time too. When our daughter was born I used to go to bed at around 7pm after I fed her and he'd bring her up at around 10pm for another feed then either put her in bed or stay up with her until around midnight depending on how sleepy she was. He'd then get up with her at around 5:30-6 and give me an hour in the morning too. We eventually ended up switching the 10pm feed for formula so I got a really good stretch of sleep.

I didn't want him to wake up during the middle of the night, it was my own personal preference as I breastfed through the night and I didn't see the point in us both having disrupted nights but he was willing to get up had I made the decision that I wanted him to.

We're now due our second imminently and we've already agreed we'll follow a similar structure again - I'll go to bed when my toddler does at around 8pm, he'll bring baby up at around 10/11 then I'll do the night feed and he'll get up with the baby anytime from 5am. Then our toddler will join us in bed whenever she wakes up while he gets ready for wok and she gets ready for nursery.

This baby isn't just yours, they are your husbands too and he also has to take 50% responsibility. He can't just live like sleeping beauty because "he works full time". Looking after a baby is demanding and relentless and you'll end up in a really bad place if he doesn't start pulling his finger out.

I also couldn't nap during the day, I was too switched on and on edge and my baby would not let me put her down, she lived for contact naps.

However, it did get much, much easier and it all seems so long ago now. That doesn't mean that you should settle for a husband and dad that doesn't pull his weight.