6 week old baby, partner not helping, don’t know what to do.

[makeupgirlie]

AIBU: We have a 6 week old beautiful baby. My partner has a full time job and I’m obviously with the baby all day every day. My partner will do one feed in the evening when go and shower and then I’m back on the night shift. There are times I have woken him for the 2-3am feed and he seems to get very mad at this. I only wake him when I am struggling with tiredness and just want some help so I’m not falling asleep whilst feeding the baby. He tells me ‘I have a job’ ‘every other mother seems to do it’ ‘I don’t understand why you don’t just nap in the day it’s not hard’ in beginning to get really upset. I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable with asking him for help as he reminds me he works. I told him I think others partners help them and he tells me ‘I’d like to see one who has a job’.
i really don’t know what to do as I’m worried of getting burnt out. I get near to no sleep and if I do it’s like 4 hours a night. I try to nap in the day but for some reason I struggle with day time sleeping.
I'm beginning to feel like I can’t ask for help.

I did not think it would be like this.
Nip it in the bud now,or you'll be doing all the child-rearing even if you work.
Some men think that Maternity Leave is a holiday where you play with a doll all day while he's out at the coalface working himself into the ground.

Why can’t he do weekends- presumably he doesn’t work 7 days a week? That worked for us. Mind you my DH did reveal years later he dreaded weekends!

I also can assure you it’s normal for both parents to be waking up and doing their share. 3 of our team at work have had new babies recently. Two men, one woman. All the fathers are highly involved in parenting. All sleep deprived.

What happens over the weekend when presumably he’s not working? Can he take baby on the morning of those two days so you can catch up a bit?

I'm sorry OP, you must be exhausted. 💐 Do you feel confident leaving him alone with baby?

If so, extreme advise is booking a hotel for the weekend and let him experience a full 24 hours with baby. If he complains, ask him why he didn't just nap during the day with them?

Or, can you travel to your family or friends, and take a break with baby that way?

Having both worked full time and had newborn children, the baby stage is harder and you deserve help.

He wants to ‘rest himself’ on a Saturday as he is ‘too tired’ I’m allowed Sunday last afternoon for an hour or two but I make every bottle and change every nappy.

Could you go to your mother instead of her coming to you?

Are you safe? Men like this scare me for the sheer lack of empathy and as a new mother you are vulnerable.

I understand how hard it is but you need to establish some rules with him and what works for you both. So in my case he did the last feed before our bedtime (like the 10/11pm), went to sleep and I did the two in the night then he did the 5/6am before work. The reality is that he will need less interruptions in the night because he needs to be alert when at work dealing with whatever task he’s got to do. But you need that time just before bedtime and the one in the early morning to get what you need to function in the day. I hate the phrase nap when baby does because they can cat nap or nap on you but make sure you get at least some rest. So if it means doom scrolling on the sofa / in bed when baby naps then so be it - don’t feel like you need to get up and do stuff. It’s a very hard adjustment period, but it’ll pass.

Having a newborn is a huge adjustment, and some people cope better than others with the change. Some people cope with sleepless nights, others, including me, struggled.

I agree that you need a big discussion about how it’s going to be going forward. He sleeps during the night whilst at work, but gets to do the night feed on a Friday and/or Saturday night. Housework - lower your excitation and work out a new routine. If you have to live of a few ready meals or takeaways to make cooking easier, so be it. Get him involved in the nappy changing. Possibly he’s just nervous but once he’s done it a few times, he’ll gain confidence.

its a period of time and adjustment for you all. Some people take to the transition easier than others.

Im sorry you are having a rough time. My DH used to help at a weekend, so Saturday night he would do the night shift.
As others have said, you are technically working 24/7.

Dont let him make you feel rubbish. Tell him to take a weeks holiday and he can pretend being mother and see how he gets on doing 24/7 for just a week and remind him you have done 6 weeks of that.

Can you go and stay with family for a week or two? You need to sleep! Even if they can't take time off it might be easier to get naps in when you don't have to also make meals for everyone and can just focus on you and baby instead of also looking after the house and partner.

Did he want a child and did you discuss how things would work after the birth? I EBF for our 2 and the first couple of weeks were miserable but by 6 weeks they were sleeping for 5-6 hour+ stretches so sleep was getting back towards normal. Hopefully this will happen for you soon. I also never slept in the day (though neither did DC1!) My DH never got up on work nights as there’s no point in two people being disturbed. However, he really needs to step up at the weekend and should be doing 50% of nappy changes etc.

To help you now - you go to bed as soon as he’s home of an evening, and sleep until he goes to bed. That should be a good 5 hour stint hopefully. One lie in each in a weekend is fairly obvious and can hardly be argued as fair that one parent takes both. Your mum is the other option.

to help you going forward - you know now that he sees parenting as your job, so not a decent father. Cast iron protection if you do want to have sex, because you can’t risk having a second with this man. Other option is to look into splitting up and how you would cope financially etc.

to help others going forward - the op has used ‘partner’ in her op, and whilst we don’t know whose decision that was, a man who wants you to have his child but doesn’t want to give you the protection of marriage, is never going to be a good guy.

We did split nights, so I did the 6pm feed, put baby to bed, ate at high speed and went straight to bed. I slept from 7pm until some point after midnight. DH stayed up and watched the baby (and tidied the kitchen very quietly) then did the 10pm feed and then was the one responsible for any wakings until midnight. Then after midnight any wakings were me. So that meant I always got 5 hours of sleep and he always got 7 hours..he woke up at 7 to go to work.
At the weekends, he always got to lie in on Saturdays until 10am, and I always got Sundays from 7am to 10am. If one of us was ill or wanted to go out or something we would switch the weekend lie ins.

He sounds pathetic. Does he remember that working isn't special, as he'd have to go to work regardless of whether or not you had a baby, so he's not doing anything above and beyond what he'd already be doing.

Not changed a single nappy or done a bottle? Doesn't he want to care for and bond with his baby. The baby isn't just a job to be done, it's his child. I'd be so hurt but this, too, OP, sounds like he's acting as though he doesn't give a shit about how you're feeling when you say you are struggling.

Yet another depressing shitty man. Dont have any more kids with him.

The bare minimum a decent partner does is this situation is...

Weekdays- Has the baby from after work til 11 / midnight so you can rest or even sleep then.

Weekends- helps at night so you can rest then.

The baby's sleep pattern is normal.

It's fucking brutal.

It's much worse if your partner is a selfish dick.

This is worrying, if you need permission to take time off.

As others have said, every mother isn't doing this herself - they have supportive partners and families to help share the load. I would recommend joining some baby groups and finding a Sure Start/Home Start centre near you. Other new Mums can be a huge support, even just helping pass the days.

Can you sit down and speak to him about how you feel? How off kilter his expectations are? Counter his "every mother.." with "every father enjoys bonding with their child", "every father is normally involved in caring for their baby" ?

I would also make arrangements to go out on a weekend day. He and baby will survive fine for a few hours. And when you come back, ask why he's not done a load of washing and made your dinner?

How have domestic chores been divided pre baby? Did he do his share of cooking/cleaning/washing before?

Also to add, 6 weeks is still very early in parenthood - hormones and lack of sleep don't help. Sometimes it takes new dads longer to adjust to this massive change in their lives - especially when back at work and not with the baby 24/7.

Can you have an honest chat with him, is he normally supportive?

DH was setting a business up when I had our last, so I'd get the older 2 to bed around 7pm, feed the baby and leave a bottle out (expressed that morning) then I'd go to bed until around 11.30pm when he'd come upstairs. Then I took over again, those 4 hours of sleep every evening kept my sanity.

@makeupgirlie
You are yet another in a never ending stream of women who has had the misfortune to have a baby with a useless fucker.

I was working from home from immediately after the birth and often did a couple of hours work after the 2-3am feed to get ahead for the day while DD was sleeping, as well as working during the day (as much as possible) and a lot of hours at weekends when DH was home. I worked for a small company and a lot of things depended on me including being on call at night for emergencies, problems with software or data, etc, everything online and on the phone.

My DH would be up at 5am for a long commute driving and not home till 6pm. I don't think it would be fair for him to have to do the 2-3am feed and then be up at 5am and on the road at 6.

Change the narrative it is 'parenting' not 'helping'. What parenting is he doing?

It's really simple OP. He does 10 hours a day in his job (incl commuting). You do 10 hours looking after baby. So far, you are equal. The other 14 hours in each day should be shared. The weekends should be shared.

So he should do his share when he gets in and give you a break, before you do the night shift. At the weekend he should be getting up in the night while you catch up on your sleep.

My ds' dad did exactly the same, no matter how often I asked for help. When ds was two I packed all my & baby's stuff in the car, and we left.

Ex had rendered himself completely pointless. He contributed nothing to parenthood, and life was considerably easier without him around. He then claimed to be blindsided. God knows why. I'd been yelling for help for two solid years.

Maybe show your man this thread.

Agree.

I didn’t do it and neither did any of my friends - every single one of them had at the very least a helpful partner and mostly also a Mum / Mother in Law / sister / best friend who also chipped in.