Views on in laws being annoyed you haven’t taken newborn round in a week and don’t want to pass the baby around

[makeupgirlie]

So everyone met the baby and held her within days of her being born. Everyone as also seen her since. As her parents at the moment we don’t want everyone holding her and passing her around. The in laws are annoyed by this and keep requesting to see her and hold her. She’s only 5 weeks old. Anyway as her mother I have had recent comments off my other half’s dad in a not very nice tone ‘I’m due a cuddle you know’ same with his sister. We have spoken to them that we would like some time to bond as a new family and that when we feel comfortable people can start holding her again. She also hasn’t had a vaccines yet and has been a little poorly recently. I’m starting to feel a lot of pressure off them and when my partner goes to his dads and the baby isn’t there he gets annoyed at him. It’s only the past week we haven’t taken the baby round…

Just ask people to wash their hands. I’m not telling you to set aside your principles and I wouldn’t want loads of people around me too often but Have a think about whether you want to burn bridges this early on because you might need to rely on some of these people in the future.

Who cares if they are safe being held by anybody - and it's questionable if that is a fact.

If the parents don't want their newborn baby passing around people like in a pass the parcel game, that is THEIR RIGHT. Whether you like it or not. It's their baby. You don't get to make the rules. (Or tell them that they are 'wrong.') It's incredibly entitled and rude to think you should be allowed to hold someone's baby and pass it around the world and his husband, when the parents are not happy and comfortable with it.

I never see this in real life - people demanding to give people newborn babies hugs and cuddles and for the baby to be passed about, when the mother (and father of the baby are not happy with it.) Only on Mumsnet do I see this. In real life, most people will respect the parents wishes. If you don't, then you don't deserve to even see the baby quite frankly.

🙏🏼👏🏼 thank you

I’d think you were being precious and would feel hurt that you didn’t want the baby to spend time with grandparents.

If parents want their children to grow up with the family they deserve and have the supportive ‘village’ around them, they need to stop doing this shit.

Thank you for your edit.
I don’t think many people are reading my posts properly.

I’m pretty sure we were advised to ask guests to wash their hands when we were discharged with our newborn very recently. That and no kissing baby for anyone outside the household.

Obviously OP can choose to ignore that like many people do but I don’t think it’s fair to make out OP is over the top for following NHS advice.

Please ready comments and original post. Everyone has met and held the baby on a number of occasions. We just haven’t ferried the baby around for a week and it’s a problem.

Not sure why you're getting such weird responses, I can only assume people aren't reading your posts properly. Visits several times a week seems excessive to me, you need some rest time too! Once a week on average seems fine (perhaps half a day split with your family too) and if you want to skip the odd week due to illness/ spending time as a family/ you just don't feel like it then that's also fine. As the baby gets older I'm sure everyone will chill out a bit!

It is expected of us to take her to his dad’s house multiple times a week.

This is the bit that is wrong.
Tell them to come to you, but only invite them about once a week.

Can’t see why anyone would have a problem with this. A poorly baby doesn’t need to be passed round for grown adults entertainment.

I like involved and invested family members as much as anyone but there’s something about family members who think they’ve got some sort of entitlement to baby that gets my back up as their mum. I don’t blame you for being annoyed at their moaning.

Mean I think you’re completely wrong but your baby and all that jazz.

Mean how? And completely wrong with what exactly?

I suspect it is the constant wanting. Almost territorial. As if they own her. And you feel she is yours.
This is an argument about control. How awful OP. The last thing you need.
They can give it a rest. ‘All in good time’ would be my reply. And leave it at that.

OP of course if your baby is poorly you as parents decide how to look after her. You can welcome people to your home when she is better and there is no need for you to have to go on visits on demand. When someone has a new baby most friends and family know to go for short visit, offer to take meal/make tea and only hold baby when parents offer, definitely with clean hands (eg if have touched pet). I find the entitlement of your inlaws really disrespectful. Just emphasis her being poorly and to think about infection while she is so small. How can they argue with that?

So they've already all met and held the baby a few times but now you're putting in more boundaries? And they're annoyed that you're not visiting them a few times a week?

1. you're allowed whatever boundaries you want, you're the parents
2. it doesn't mean everyone will like those boundaries or not be hurt by those boundaries
3. it is unreasonable at 5 weeks old to expect you to be visiting them multiple times a week. You have a life, you are allowed to spend your maternity leave as you wish. I would've felt claustrophic if I'd not been able to go for walks when I wanted, go to baby and toddler groups to build relationships with other new mums and learn skills that helped me as a new mum (baby massage, baby first aid, swimming, breastfeeding etc)
4. At 5 weeks one my youngest was at my sibling's wedding so he met all the extended family. At 5 weeks my middle one was on summer holiday with us because that's the week we have the caravan. He was at a wedding at 2 weeks.
5. I get FOMO and cabin fever and the idea of staying in our little flat all day on our own made me feel and go a little bit mental (as in I genuinely believe in hindsight that I should've sought more support for my mental health at the time but I was stuck in that fear of someone thinking I was unfit and taking my baby away, which I know logically wasn't going to happen but that's how I felt) and getting out to see other people, getting fresh air, leaving the confines of our home were (and still are) ways I keep myself afloat.
6. People do things differently from each other. My MIL rolled her eyes when my DH told her to support the baby's head because she does, she knows to do that, she's raised seven kids and cared for gazillions of grandkids. She knows! So it can be discombobulating and feel patronising to be told how to look after a baby by a new parent. EVEN though you're absolutely right that the grandad needs to wash his hands after using the toilet!
7. Each generation of parents believe they have reinvented the wheel. I see this with my friends who are the same age as me but their kids are a generation this can be true at the same time as it being completely reasonable to be a bit careful around who and when holds the baby. Yes they do need to be exposed to some germs but it's also really normal and sensible to not want them to be kissed by someone with a coldsore, or accidentally get sneezed on, or for grandpa to let the baby suck his pissy finger because he doesn't wash his hands after using the toilet (which is fucking maaaaadness)

I think the world can be divided into pre and post covid when it comes to babies. At least I had my babies shortly before covid and people were far less worried about germs and baby. People would kiss family babies, and if a baby was vulnerable you might wash your hands, but that was about it.

Then covid hit, and people (rightly or wrongly) have become a lot more germ aware. So to those of us who had babies since COVID, this stuff is as obvious as putting baby to sleep on their front. Yo those of us that had babies before covid it often seems OTT.

Btw, the extra cautiousness has not resulted in lower infant mortality - it's actually slightly increased in the last few years.

I was totally happy with other people holding my baby as long as my baby seemed happy. But that’s me.
I certainly don’t get the ‘we want to bond with our baby’ chiché. Like the 23 other hours in the day is not enough bonding time?

This post is just a little bit unhinged

Is this an irony?

Hand washing and not kissing on the face is the basic politeness around someone else's baby.

Immune system develops over the time and very early exposition isn't really helpful.

You’re the poster who had her whole family round for a week after baby was born but wouldn’t let her in-laws see the baby, aren’t you? You just hate your in laws.

Bloody horrible way to treat grandparents, who after you will be the people who love and cherish your children most in the world.

I don’t get this hostility,, spikiness and control In new parents.

This ^^

It’s normal to want to see and cuddle a baby. It does a baby no harm at all. YABU

Yabu, precious and ott.

I hate the entitlement of family members when it comes to babies/children.

Work out your boundaries & stick to them.

If people wanted to come over or for me to visit, id put baby in a sling. He was more than happy there & it saves the passing around!

Are they helping you? Or just interested in what you can do for them?
if they’re generally good helpful and kind people I’d let it go. If they just want you to go to them to provide them with their new grandchild toy whilst it’s convenient for them, then I’d ignore them and probably reduce contact a bit. You’ve had them round, you’ve visited them, they’ve seen the baby multiple times already. You’re not obligated to provide x amount of holding a baby time x number of times a week.

If they’re unhappy anyway you may as well just do what suits you, go when you want, let them hold the baby when you want. Maybe start baby wearing. I found postpartum quite liberating in that I was so exhausted and so fucked off with all the demands people were placing on me to serve and clean up after them and give them my child, whilst I was in agony and exhausted that I found I felt much more comfortable than usual telling them what I thought.