not interested in a "magical experience" I just want to meet my baby

[MissyPie]

I've read a lot of posts on here which refer to the "magical experience" of chilbirth, so much so that someone has insinuated that they would prefer an unassisted birth in favour of this "magical experience"

I know some women like to connect with the baby as it is being born and I admire you, however AIBU to say that I'm not interested in how the baby gets here..I just want my baby in my arms and safe & well.

Although I look back fondly on my birth, I pretty much saw it as a "means to an end" and most magical moments have been in the 12 weeks since she was born.

Is there anyone out there who agrees with me? Obviously it's a personal choice but for me - I'd have epidural/drugs (the works) every time!

I agree. I'll be having a CS in the next couple of weeks. So many people think it's sad that I won't experience the magic of a proper birth.
Bollocks to that! DS1 would be dead if I hadn't had an EMCS. Like you say, the birth is a means to the end. In fact, if I could just miss out the birth bit, and just have this baby magically transported from tummy to arms, that would be great :o

It's a means to an end. Labour isn't magical, it's painful and dangerous, and I wanted it to be over. th4e magical bit was grabbing the baby!

I agree - I was seriously anxious about giving birth - asked for an elective CS - was refused - ended up with an EMCS - I was delighted !

I think you're very wise. The expectation of a magical experience just sets up many women to feel like they failed (myself included).

The moment of meeting, as you say, is the thing to aim for. Be flexible about how that happens and keep your eyes on the prize.

Fwiw if I were to have any more (prob too late now) I'd go for a much more managed birth and leave the magical fantasy behind.

When I hear other women talk about lovely, natural, home births, I get a lovely warm feeling inside. Sounds wonderful.

Never been interested in going there, though

Mainly, I just want to avoid really horrible things happening.

I've had two births - a labour ending in crash section and an elective section. Elective was like some futuristic fantasy shit. Quick, efficient, serene. I would take that (and the shitloads of morphine afterwards) any old time.

All in all, though, YADNBU.

Healthy baby and mother at the end of it, and avoiding any great trauma = sorted.

There's lots of different issues tied up together in your post OP, which makes it hard to say whether I agree or not.

No, I wasn't interested in a "magical birth" (whatever that may be). No, I wouldn't personally want an unassisted birth because positive positive birth outcomes are strongly associated with the present of a trained and experienced birth attendant.

However, the birth process does matter, and not because of some nebulous magical ideal. Most of us recognise that the process matters because it influences birth outcomes, not for its own sake. If we can avoid certain interventions we run a better chance of a problem-free birth.

Just look at the threads on this site about physically and psychologically traumatic births. Women can take years to recover, or never recover. Having a healthy baby at the end of the day is the most important thing but not the only important thing.

Personally, I wanted a safe birth with minimal physical and psychological trauma to me and DD. Looking at the evidence indicated that my best chance (as someone with a low risk pregnancy) of getting this was with a home birth attended by an independent midwife. Everything was fine for both of us (no tears, minimal bleeding and no afterpains) and recovery was quick.

So, I did as much as I could to influence the process in order to increase my chances of achieving the outcome I wanted. There was no ideology or "magical" thinking involved.

I had a blissful birth. No pain, really enjoyed it, and I have to say it's really shaped my relationship with my daughter. It's been proven to help with bonding and breastfeeding. It doesn't mean you won't have a good start, it just helps and I'm certainly glad that I worked towards the great experience!

OP I thought the same as you before my first baby

you were clearly lucky with your birth experience. I was not

I chose to have homebirths for my subsequent babies in order to avoid my first experience. I did have that "magical experience"

sorry if that offends you so much

thisisyesterday, I'm not offended in the slightest, I'm glad you took the time to post with your opinion.

I simply like to put something out there and see what others think and get also take other peoples views and experiences on board.

Reheeeally Mooer? No pain? Wow, you have defied nature and science, very impressive.

she must've been living in the same block as the person who posted about her neighbours growing cannabis lol

I had an epidural first time, and no pain relief next time (not out of choice!). Both births were great and positive (and was lucky to get healthy babies out of them) but tbh after the second I did get an amazing rush of 'wow, my body/I knew what to do' and isn't nature amazing etc etc. So yeah, kinda magical.

Am hoping for epidural this time but may try and wear it off... But I don't know! I think it is very, very hard to deal with something that is so different for everyone - every perso and every birth is different . I think a 'go with the flow' attitude is great - but I was lucky in that my hospital were fab. Can see how it could be scary if you didn't have that confidence in your midwives/hospital.

Great Post Adair - i agree with the go with the flow attitude, as that was my game plan.

I however, couldn't cope with the pain and opted for an epidural, once the epidural was administered my experience was certainly magical :)

My epidural was great too. I had NO plan to cope with the pain whatsoever. And don't this time either. Though even the epidural can be good or bad apparently...

To be honest I would love to feel as you do and be able to say that the only thing that matters to me is that I have a healthy baby, but sadly I don't feel that way. I wonder if the fact that you are able to feel this way is because you say you look back fondly on your birth so I assume (sorry if I'm making assumptions here) that you had a relatively positive experience.

I agree that having your baby in your arms at the end of it is the most important part. However for me I was interested in how the baby got here, I wasn't expecting a "magical experience" I wanted to do the best and safest thing for the baby and myself and I hoped that at the end of it I would look back on it as a positive experience.

I planned a natural birth however ended up being advised to have an ELCS for various reasons. Unfortunately the CS wasn't a good experience for me and my baby had some (mild) complications as a result of it. I look back on ds' birth with great sadness and feel that I have missed out on the positive experience I hoped for and even the fact that I have a wonderful healthy happy ds is not enough to take away that feeling for me.

I have just reread and I think Togarama has summed up what I was trying to say far more succinctly and with much less rambling than me!

pinkelephants, I was terrified of giving birth before the actual event and if I look back I didn't prepare properly for the task ahead - however I do remember conversations with my sister who was due 2 months before me that all I wanted was to meet my baby - regardless of how she arrived, there were a lot of people pressuring me into doing it without any drugs etc and was made to feel somewhat guilty for wanting pain relief.

Knowing me, and my low pain threshold, I opted for pain relief working from the lowest strength to the highest.

You could in fact say that my birth was fairly straightforward and I suppose I'm lucky.
I'm sorry that your experience was not 100% positive - that's why I like these forums, to get other womens perspective as I know that all women/births/babies differ.

I didn't defy nature or science - no other mammals experience distress or pain while birthing their babies, they just do it in calm and quiet. Humans only started feeling pain while birthing in the past couple of centuries, and only in certain parts of the world at that! There are still countries where there is no word for 'pain' in birthing. It's a cultural thing.

I'm not saying it's the only way to do it, I'm just saying if you have a normal pregnancy it IS achievable to every woman. Check out Hypnobirthing, or Orgasmic Birth, or Birthing From Within if you're interested

em, mooer, i've seen a cow give birth and she really didn't look all that happy.

and i gave birth with minimal pain relief, and it really hurt. i don't think the pain was psychosomatic, not even remotely

there was a woman in hospital when i had ds1 who had only had one paracetamol (cos a midwife said she might want it) for pain relief

she said it was easy, nothing, hardly any pain....

different people experience things differently. I don't think anyone on here can say that mooer is wrong, or not believe her. she experienced what she experienced.

my births were all very painful, but as I say, ds2's was a fairly "wow, that was magical" experience regardless

MissyPie I think your attitude is probably far more sensible than mine. I wasn't scared at all which turned out to be a mistake. I had done loads of research but all into natural birth because it honestly never occurred to me that I would need a CS let alone an elective.

Nobody should feel guilty for wanting pain relief (or any other intervention in childbirth), every women should be able to decide what is best for them at the time. I didn't know I would be having a CS until my due date so I had written a (very short) birth plan and I put that I hoped not to have pethidine or epidural but I didn't know how I would feel at the time so I was open to whatever was needed. As I said I opted for the CS despite desperately wanting a natural birth because that was felt to be the safest thing for my baby, and having a healthy baby was far more important to me than the "experience." I got my healthy baby and I want to be able to be thankful for that and not sad for the experience I missed out on.

Its not the experience of a natural birth that I'm sad I missed out on, because for me a natural birth wasn't the best option. I'm sad that I missed out on a positive CS experience (I read loads of posts on here about how lovely an ELCS can be and most people I know in RL who had ELCSs describe them as great experiences.) Unfortunately complications during my surgery meant things didn't go quite according to plan.

Thank you for starting this thread, it is interesting to here other peoples experiences. I hope you didn't think I was implying your views were wrong, I was just trying to explain why I feel differently.

Mooer, I have a Hypnobirthing book and tbh I thought it was all abit Airy Fairy for me - I liked the idea that it was the fear of birth that created the pain so I went into my labour with that at the front of my mind, I tried not to be scared but bloody hell there was pain :) Maybe I should have finished the book and I would not have started this thread eh??

Just out of sheer, pedantic curiosity mooer, if "there are still countries where there is no word for 'pain' in birthing", what is the English word?. It's a bit late for me now, but I would have loved to have known it at the time so I could have shouted about it.