Homebirth: what did you do with your toddler?

[Wigeon]

I am due DC2 in May, when DD will be a month shy of 3 years old. We are possibly considering a homebirth (DD was born in a midwife-led centre in part of a hospital). My main worries about a homebirth all relate to DD. I really don't like the idea of DD being in the house for the whole birth (and certainly not at the actual birth), mainly because I made a complete racket during my first labour with DD (or rather, "I found vocalisation very useful in dealing with the pain"), and because I want to be able to concentrate on me, rather than worrying about DD at all.

DH is keen on considering a homebirth but also undecided, and during my first labour I wanted him with me throughout the whole thing.

My mum, who lives an hour / 1hr 30 mins away, would probably be the person who would need to look after DD, and I also don't really want my mum around for most of the birth. I'm not entirely sure where they would go because I am fairly new to this area, and although I have made a few local friends, I'm not sure if I could invite my mum round at any time of day to their houses!

Please share your stories of what you did with your toddler and how you managed a homebirth with an older child! I have searched previous messages, but only found ones about having your toddler with you at home during the labour and birth.

When I had DD2, DD1 was at nursery (I do wonder if there isn't something that makes your body "hang on" for a convenient time!). I had her godmother collect her - nursery staff were warned that she might need to stay a bit later than usual - and she took her out (to the zoo) for the afternoon, after she'd been home to meet her new sister.
When I had DD3, DDs 1 and 2 were in bed :) I had a list of friends who could be called if necessary though.

Went into labour 4am, was sure enough by 6am to tell dh not to go to work, luckily it was a day dd1 would normally go to the childminders, so she was out of the way all day.

Things got serious (and seriously loud) about 4pm, so dh asked mum (who works 30/45 mins) away to pick up dd1 (21 months at the time). Mum gave dd1 tea at the back of the garden and sang lots to try to distract her from the noise. I couldn't have given a fig by then what they were doing, so long as I knew dd1 was being looked after and they weren't coming anywhere near the dining room where I was. Mum put dd1 to bed, took a little longer than normal but she was down by 7.30, and she (was!) a champion sleeper so that was that.

In the end I had to transfer in to hospital at about 9, but I escaped complete with dd2 in the early hours, so I got my first night with baby in my own bed, which was what I'd longed for. And just being at home when dd1 got up the next morning, and showing her dd2, with no fuss about me being at hospital was just so worth it. I would totally recommend giving it a go.

By the way, I think you might find people more helpful than you imagine, especially other mums - we do love a new baby (that we don't have to actually have ourselves!).

When I had DS, DD1 had, with great timing just gone to bed and to sleep (she was nearly 2). He was born at about 8.30. My brother and sister in law were there and played with her. DS and I had to go in the hospital just for the night but DH picked us up at 8 am and we were home for breakfast. She was delighted although a bit put out that he was too small for the games she'd got ready for him.

DD2 was born when DS was nearly 3 and DD1 was 4 and a half. She was born at about 8.15pm after very quick labour. My friend was there and DS had gone to bed and to sleep. DD1 shouted 'Come on midwives!' over and over again until they showed up and DD2 showed up as they were coming into the bathroom. DD1 super proud and delighted to be first to hold her new sister. They never really seemed to notice I was in labour. But I am very quiet. Just too busy doing big calm breathing to make any noise.

I had DS3 at home. I started labour at 3pm just as I was picking up DS1 and 2 and from school and nursery

A school mum friend did their tea for them and then my sister came and put them to bed. Ds3 was born just after DS1 went to sleep!

TBH. I think these things usually work out ok. People are very willing to help and just because your mum is in the house, doesn't mean she will be "at" the birth. Mine went all very smoothly and DS1 and 2 met their new brother when they woke up in the morning - the best moment of my life!

Thank you very much for sharing your lovely stories! That's a good point - my mum and DD could be in the garden (given it's May). And that's great that you had a positive experience even though you needed to tranfer to hospital, lukewarm.

I went into labour with DD at 4am but she wasn't born until 2pm. If I follow the same pattern, even with a quicker second labour (fingers crossed!) there would still be quite a bit of time when DD would be awake.

She doesn't go to a childminder or nursery - that would be convenient though! She will hopefully have just started at pre-school about 3 weeks before the baby is due, but that's only a morning or afternoon two or three times a week.

More stories very welcome!

My yoga teacher had her older kids in the room for the birth when the youngest (third) one was born. They are the loveliest family and the older ones took it all in their stride. They were just very excited to see the baby as it came out - think that conquered all other memories. The oldest girl is on her gap year helping at a very deprived maternity unit in Sri Lanka for her voluntary work. Seems to have been a very positive area for her!

All 3 of mine slept through the whole thing, my dh woke the older 2 up to come and say hello. We all then went to bed and the youngest who was nearly 3 then came in to us in the morning to find his brother fast asleep in the crib, its a lovely memory.

don't think about following the same pattern! That's what I was anxious about when I started at 3pm (since DH was a couple of hours train journey away)as I'd only had a 2 hour labour with DS2.
Ds3 took 6 hours so Dh was home well before it all kicked off properly

Just on the accelerating labour thing - my first was in hospital 26 hours, next was at home and awas 12 hours. Third was also at home and was 3 hours. Think that's fairly common, at least amongst my friends...

actually it was positive until I got to hospital, but that's a whole other story, and certainly nothing against homebirth!

DS1 and DS2 were both at home, and I knew I was going into labour when I put them to bed in the evening.

DS2, who was 2.4, woke up just before I gave birth, and DH went to see to him. I insisted DH came down as I really wanted him there as the baby was born, and he bought DS2 with him.

Yes I was vocal, but DS2 certainly wasn't traumatised, as It was only a couple of pushes.

I've no idea what would have happened if the birth had gone on any longer. I imagine DH would have settled them on the sofa with a snack to enjoy the show.

DD was 2.5, started labour at 9.30, so she was already in bed. Needed to get in the bath around 11.30 which was right next to her bedroom and unfortunately woke her up. She sat by the bath for a while and chatted between contractions . Contractions getting rather painful by then so she did witness me moaning (she called it humming!). Waters went in the bath, and a bit of poo - which she saw (and talked about for weeks afterwards ). When I got out of the bath and midwives came DP took her downstairs and stuck her in front of a Pingu video. She was happy down there during the birth (maybe an hour or so). She was brought up minutes after DS arrived and we had a happy time in bed together drinking tea and eating Jaffa cakes, while the midwives finished up.

She didn't seem traumatised by the experience and was full of interest and questions. She still talks about it now, over a year later (though fortunately has stopped mentioning the poo )

If things had not worked out so well DP's mother or sister (20 minutes away) would probably have been phoned to help out with her.

Oh, cross-posted with Kitty and Tommy - thank you for your thoughts. I see your point about my mum not being "at" the birth, but I really did make a helluva noise with DD (shouting "ahhhh" at the top of my voice - I'm sure it actually helped) and I really don't like the idea of her (or DD) hearing me. And my mum worries about the most trivial things, so goodness knows what that would do to her worry levels!

I think you are both right, Lukewarm and Tommy, that local mums would help if I asked them.

Hm, am genuinely undecided. Only about 10 mins from the hospital now, which makes me think (a) I might as well just go into the midwife-led bit (hopefully) but also (b) I might as well stay at home because I could quickly transfer to hospital if necessary.

Still keen on hearing more stories!

Thinking a bit more - my midwife was very keen on me having good plans and backup plans for looking after dd1, as she said she'd had lots of ladies who hadn't made good plans, not go into labour until they'd worked it through/or labour didn't get established properly until it was sorted. So if you don't want to go overdue or have a really long labour, start calling in those friendships!

Cross-posted again! Thank you so much for your various experiences - very useful. Things do just seem to work out. Pingu on tap a very good idea.

Totally agree that I can't bank on second labour being a template of the first. Think the various possibilities re timing / nature of labour / complications make it hard to plan all the options with DD!

boogeek
"(I do wonder if there isn't something that makes your body "hang on" for a convenient time!)"
Absolutely spot on.
That was CERTAINLY the case for me with DC3 who was a HB. Niggled for a few hours whilst DCs1 &2 were about. As soon as they were taken out for tea by DSIL my CX ramped up and as soon as they were put to bed (by DH) I jumped to about 8 cm and DS2 was born an hour or so later.

OP I wouldn't worry about the noise. I REALLY wouldn't. Your toddler will likely as not sleep through it.

I made a horrific racket as well - June heatwave with all the windows and doors open, the neighbours swear they didn't hear a thing but I'm sure they're being polite! My mum says it was awful listening to me in such pain (sorry..), but she got over it! Dh, otoh, is probably traumatised for life.

But at the time, I honestly didn't give a toss, didn't even cross my mind what anyone else could or couldn't hear, you're too focused on the hard work of labour and birth for that.

Mylifewithstrangers: the poo ! That would totally be my DD!

I had an unintended home birth five days ago. One minute I was having contractions ten minutes apart and the next I was pushing over the toilet and DF could see the baby's head! Needless to say we called an ambulance who called the midwives and I had a living room consisting of DF, DD (two and a half years old), two midwives and two paramedics.

DF had vomiting and diarrhea so was in and out of the room with DD at his side. I actually have no idea how everyone stayed so calm, especially since I was only 38 weeks and only expecting to watch the X Factor results that night, not deliver DD2 with DF ill and DD in the house!

DD witnessed the whole thing but didn't really pay any attention and was more interested in her puzzle book and playing with DF while DF was trying to hold my hand and coach me through contractions.

Not the ideal home birth but if something were to happen unexpectedly it can work out. Get your mother to come to the house and go into a separate room with your older child for a little while, go for a walk if they can and so on.

DC4 - DC3 (not a toddler but only 5 with SN. Stayed downstairs most of the time and then went to my friends house for a few hours. DC4 was born in the afternoon during Christmas hols so that worked out well.

DC5 - DC4 (toddler) and DC3 slept through it and met their little brother the next day. We only have a little house and their room is next to mine but they were oblivious. They do say that women are not as noisy during homebirths. I know I am not . It was worth keeping quiet just to see their faces when they walked in and suddenly realised there was a baby in bed with mummy.

We had back up plans, a neighbour was going to take them if needed.

TBH I prefer to get on with it on my own and only call OH in for the last bit. So he was able to keep them occupied when needed.

Hm, yes, with DD I didn't care two hoots about anything other than getting through it (and aren't at all ashamed or embarrassed about the noise, although my DH is also probably traumatised for life - he claims not but I think he is being brave!). I think I'm just worried about not being able to concentrate 100% on my labour if I'm worrying about DD / my mum.

Arcadie - I think my labour def slowed when I was in the car going to hospital with DD (had planned on hospital birth) and then started up again once I was in a delivery room, so I'm sure it's true that your body adjusts. Isn't that why most women go into labour in the night (vaguely think I might have seen there is some scientific research on this - anyone aware?).

And just noticed you are in York - you didn't go to the recent York meet up did you? My SIL (fellow Mnetter, 34, DS 7yrs and DD 5yrs) recently moved to York so you possibly met her .

I've had 2 hb's.
Number 1 - dd1 was with my mum. Had a stretch and sweep at the docs and things started almost immediately. dd1 stayed with my mum and came home next morning to see her baby brother in his moses basket. Dd was 2.3 at the time
Number 2 - slightly different. dd1 was 4.9, ds was 2.5.
I had days of niggles but nothing. Dh arrived home 5.10 and I becan with painful contractions. Dh fed the children their tea and lots of chocolate cake whilst I was upstairs labouring in the shower. I was shouting "instructions" of what he needed to pack for them; whilst he or I were on phone to midwife / hospital. dh finally got hold of my mum at 6.30 and he whizzed the kids there. dd2 born 6.50, delivered by dh!
So in answer to the op - they were nearly watching Tv on their own.
Not recommended in hindsight, but it would have been ok!

Laurtopsy - wow, congratulations on your new DD! I would love to have such a quick labour (although probably not the circumstances!).

Labour was 12 hours of contractions and 4 hours of active labour with DD so I was expecting something around the same. It was a complete surprise. I just wish I could have stayed home and really appreciated my home birth but unfortunately I had to be taken into surgery for a retained placenta so my natural birth was ruined with a spinal block .

I joked to DF that if I went into labour that night it'd have to be a home birth since with diarrhea and vomiting he wouldn't be allowed anywhere near the hospital and I would refuse to give birth without him there. I didn't mean it but I'm glad he got to witness the birth and cut the cord. Sods law though, eh?

I agree with others who say not to worry about the 'vocalisation'. I was quite vocal during labour and DD didn't seem to mind any of it (at one point she found it hysterical and said over and over again "Daddy, Mummy cry!")