Homebirth: what did you do with your toddler?

[Wigeon]

I am due DC2 in May, when DD will be a month shy of 3 years old. We are possibly considering a homebirth (DD was born in a midwife-led centre in part of a hospital). My main worries about a homebirth all relate to DD. I really don't like the idea of DD being in the house for the whole birth (and certainly not at the actual birth), mainly because I made a complete racket during my first labour with DD (or rather, "I found vocalisation very useful in dealing with the pain"), and because I want to be able to concentrate on me, rather than worrying about DD at all.

DH is keen on considering a homebirth but also undecided, and during my first labour I wanted him with me throughout the whole thing.

My mum, who lives an hour / 1hr 30 mins away, would probably be the person who would need to look after DD, and I also don't really want my mum around for most of the birth. I'm not entirely sure where they would go because I am fairly new to this area, and although I have made a few local friends, I'm not sure if I could invite my mum round at any time of day to their houses!

Please share your stories of what you did with your toddler and how you managed a homebirth with an older child! I have searched previous messages, but only found ones about having your toddler with you at home during the labour and birth.

Apologies if this post is a bit all over the place - I'm a bit sleep deprived!

I really didn't want my ds (nearly three) to be there for the birth of ds2, partly because he would have taken all my dh's attention when I really needed him to be a supportive birth partner. I also didn't want someone else to come and look after him at home as I wanted my privacy. My sister had said she would be on call to look after my ds at her house, but then organised a couple of weekends breaks close to my due date! I was starting to get a bit panicky about who would look after him - I had friends who'd said they would but I didn't feel secure that they would definitely be available when I needed them.

Eventually on the Friday a week before my due date I had a chat with a friend who said she'd be happy to look after my ds, day or night (I thought he'd sleep through but obviously needed someone on call in case we had to transfer to hospital) and we ran through what would happen and the best way to contact her at different times of day. I think people actually feel pleased to be asked and to be involved in such a special event so you'll probably be pleasantly surprised at your friends' reactions if you ask them.

You will definitely need someone local on standby anyway as it could take your mum too long to get to you. My first labour was 10hrs, my second was 2hr 45min, and since it took me about half an hour to decide I was definitely in labour, someone that far away would've been no good to me!

Anyway, that chat with my friend obviously did the trick as I went into labour on the Sunday morning. My friend picked ds up and he had a great day with her and her kids, and she kindly suggested he stay all day so we could have a bit of a chill out with ds2. I thought I would want ds1 to come back straight away, but it was actually really lovely to have that special time, and ds1 was enjoying himself anyway. Then when he got home that evening there was a baby brother and his grandparents waiting for him. I highly recommend homebirth - so much more chilled than hospital. Go for it!

My 3rd child was born at home [a planned home delivery]. At the time I had a son of 11 and a son of 3 years old.
I realised I was in labour at about 7 '0'clock, so kept my eldest son off school to look after youngest. Their Dad [we were seperated at this stage] arrived about 5 minutes before the actual birth. My 2 boys sat downstairs and watched Pokemon whilst the baby was being born, then they saw her after about 5 minutes.
I got up after about an hour and that was that really.There was nothing scary for either of the boys, the eldest was excited but the youngest didn't really seem that bothered.

Sorry, should have said my labour started at 7 am, unlike many of the ladies in this thread who gave birth at night. All of my children were born in the morning.

My DD was 2.9 months when I gave birth to my second. They say most labours begin naturally at night. THat happened with me with my second. DH took me to the midwife clinic, and DD was fine. When the pain got really bad, he took DD out for a walk. DS came very quickly (as they do usually with second births) and when DH came back in he'd arrived! DD was fascinated by DS, and the first thing she did was put her arm around him and hug him. (Her feelings of unconditional love towards him aren't always apparent these days, however....)

bookeek Yes, IME your body does hang on for a convenient time. I live abroad so was very worried about my first birth. DD patiently waited until the bank holiday when DH was off work! Amazing

DH is quite definite about not wanting the boys around during labour/birth but i know things have a habit of not going to plan so my plan is to gently prepare DS1 esp for how i might be, that it's hard work pushing a baby out, that i might make noises, etc. but i'm ok really and the MWs will be looking after me & baby.

I can imagine a scenario where local friend is at work (she works p-t so it is a risk), DH is away with work (poss up to 2/3 hrs away), a MW makes it but no-one else.

DS2 will hopefully watch Night Garden and DS1 could be near me but calm about it all, so i will keep talking about it with him despite DH's raised eyebrows.

I'm due in May as well but haven't put much thought into what to do with DD. We had a homebirth and this one will be too. I remember all I wanted DH to do for her birth when I was in labour was to hold the ice water and keep it coming, no talking to me at all and no touching. Not in any way that I thought I would be like. I've been looking at birthing videos on youtube and DD has seen a few so come May, I'm hoping it won't be much of a surprise really and DH will be able to handle her and manage my ice water demand.

Both mine were born at home, DS was 2.5 when DD was born. My mum had been at DS's birth (intentional) as I wasn't worried about having her around - she was v supportive to me and DH. So second time we agreed that mum would come and stay around the time of my due date so that she could look after DS.

My body was definitely hanging on too - I was due on the Sunday, weak contractions started pretty much as soon as my mum walked through the door on Monday afternoon. We all went to bed as normal and I was woken at midnight by my waters breaking. Proper labour kicked in at around 2am and DD was born just before 6am. I was thumping up and down stairs to the bathroom mooing my head off throughout the night and DS slept through it all (mum was sleeping in his room). He came down to find his new sister in the morning, we all had breakfast together, then mum took him on an early walk to the park whilst DH & I went to bed with the baby.

I did also have some friends on standby if I went into labour before my due date as mum lives 3hrs away.

Backing up the Hanging On thought - I went into labour at 9am on the morning my favourite midwife came back on duty after a long weekend away. She had made sure I knew she would be back then but away before that. I am sure I was hanging on for her. She said it often happened.

I definitely wanted ds out of the house when I was giving birth and had arranged a plan A and a backup plan. I had a queue of friends and acquaintances offering to help in return for a chance to coo over the new arrival.

My first labour was so quick and uneventful we decided to have DC2 at home. DD1 was only 3.5yrs old at the time, but I felt reassured to have friends and some family around to help out with her if needed. I think the best thing about homebirth is nothing is set in stone - you can change your mind, make arrangements etc as it all progresses. Labour came on fast with DC2 and DD1 witnessed waters breaking over the hall floor - I had hoped i'd manage to get her up to bed before things really 'kicked off', but the pain intensified then and it was her who suggested going to a friend's house! My friend gladly arrived minutes later to have her overnight. DS1 was born 2 hrs later and we had a lovely first night together in our own bed (DH even nipped off to Macdonalds for some post labour dinner!). My friend brough DD1 back home in the morning to meet her new little brother and it was so lovely not being stuck in hospital. We are expecting DC3 in may and hoping to go for a homebirth again. Do you have friends who could help you out if needed?

Thank you so much to all the new people who have contributed their thoughts - amazing what being a "discussion of the day" does! (My first one ). It's really really useful hearing your experiences.

I'm impressed by how many people had their young toddlers around, and how, without exception, the toddlers seem completely unphased and untraumatised. (Unless all those homebirthing mothers with traumatised toddlers have decided not to post!).

The local friends I have would probably actually be happy to be involved if necessary (eg if the labour was going really quickly and my mum couldn't get here), and I actually have some closer friends in the town next door too, who would definitely be happy to help.

Hm, feeling like it might be a definite possibility. Although the option of leaving DD in the house with my mum and just dashing out the door to the midwife centre in the hospital also has some attractions. My midwife centre birth was probably as good as you might hope it to be (arrived hospital 11am, birth 2pm, fortunately no need for any interventions etc, stayed with new baby and DH in the same room until discharged at 8:30pm). That might well not happen again - eg might need to spend a sleepless night on a postnatal ward, the idea of which does not fill me with joy.

At least we have a few more months to decide! And I presume you can change your mind even on the day itself if you want? But that it's easier to change from a planned homebirth to a hospital birth than vice versa.

Thanks so much again everyone!

Yes, i was going to say, you could always plan for a homebirth then go in if you want to on the day? Keeps your options open, which is always a good thing in childbirth I think, as you never know what's going to happen.

I had a home birth with DD2 after a very long difficult labour with DD1 I'm surprised I hadn't worried more! Nearer the time all I was worrying about was actually being able to have my home birth as I was overdue again.

In the end I woke up at 2.30am to go to the loo, my waters broke and my contractions started straight away very strong about a minute apart. I was thinking God-I can't do this for hours and hours !
I told DH to go back to sleep but 20mins later I realised that we needed to get organised. DH started filling the pool up thinking we had ages. After speaking to the midwife and her saying she'd be there asap I decided to phone my mil to pick up DD1-I was worried about her waking up and walking downstairs.....
Mil came about 3.30 and took dd1 (3.2 at the time)to hers and put her back to sleep.
I got straight in the pool as it was almost ful. The midwife turned up (with only half a tank of gas and air ) and the second one came as I was just about to start pushing. DD2 was born at 5.45! It was the most relaxed birth ever. As it turned out i made no noise and i doubt dd1 would have woken up at all. Mil brought dd1 back at 7am.
Really couldn't have worked much better

So really it is a huge matter of timing-when you go into labour and how long it takes, but I think it has a habit of all working out. And as someone else said-I think you natuarally wait for a 'good' time.

Good luck Wigeon-i'd love to be doing it all again now-my second experience was 100x better than my first!!!

I went in to labour just as my toddler was put to bed by my husband. She slept through me giving birth in the bedroom next to hers and was oblivious to all the people in the house. My labour was really quick (about 2 hours), partly because i was at home i think. We have no relatives nearby so we had decided that if i went into labour during the day my husband would just have to look after our toddler and i would labour with the midwives. In the end, i actually didnt really care who was there, i just went into myself and had the baby, if that makes sense!

We had a very similar situation, DS1 was born at a birthing center, he was just over 3 when DS2 born and we wanted a homebirth. We were also quite new to the area, I didn't want my mum there and thankfully she was 24 hours flight away so no probs there. Luckily though we had found some good friends whose son was a good friend of DS1's I started pre labour in the early hours, he was due to go to football the next morning so we rang our friends at 8 they picked him up took him to football and to a birthday party their son was going to and he had a ball. DS2 was born at 9 pm and i really wanted to wake up all together so at 11pm DH went and picked DS1 up bought him home and we all slept the night together.

I had actually wanted DS1 at home with us for the birth but DH quite wisely vetoed it, one because he wanted to.concentrate on me, and because he knew how noisy I could be.

ds1 was 15 months and ds2 was born at 4am so we had just tidied up as he woke up.

this time i'll have an 18month old and 33month old so will wait and see what time things start - am planning on starting in the morning so they can go out with my mum for a few hours then they still have an afternoon nap so i can deliver while they're asleep!

We were undecided as to whether we wanted DD1 (2.5 at the time) to witness the birth, I was all for seeing how she coped on the day, DH didn't like the idea of her being around. We had friends on standby to take her to their houses.

But on the day, it was fine as I went into labour at 11pm while DD1 was asleep. She slept through the whole thing, and was woken by DD2 crying at 7am, bounced out of bed shouting "baby come out!" and met her new baby sister!

I think a lot of 2nd labours happen at night, so it might be less of an issue than you'd think.

My experience was much the same as others in that DS4 arrived during the night.

DS3, 2.4 at the time, slept through it all (only 15/20 mins though) but did have paramedic banging door down whilst DP delivered DS4, then ambulance crew arriving plus the two midwives separately, so, a busy house!

I felt strangely calm during my pregnancy, convinced that he would be born on a certain date and in the early hours of the morning, thus would'nt have to worry about DS3 as he'd be sleeping. So much so that I did'nt arrange back up (but knew that my parents, 5 mins away, would be there if we called). I was right about both things. Wierd .

Now, DS1 and DS2, both teens, were horrified at the thought of being there! Luckily they were away that night as apparently being present would've been 'like, uhh totally gross mum'

It was quite, quite the loveliest thing to cuddle up on my sofa then get in my own cosy bed. DS4 was born around 2.20, when DS3 got up at 8 DP bought him into our room, he took one look at DS4 on the bed pointed at the crib and said 'put baby in there' he remains rather unimpressed by his little brother!

Oooooh good luck, thinking about it again has made me all broody and nostalgic

I think the best things is to have multiple plans. I planned to have DD2 at home but a medical emergancy resulted in an emergancy transfer to hospital and a total of 12 hours labouring at home 12 hours at hospital then a 48 hour stay (thank heavens DD2 was born safe and well). My mum had come to stay and the plan was to keep DD1 happy as long as possible and I had a friend who volunteered to let my mum use her house (at this point my mum lived in another country). I went into labour at night, my mum slept through, I woke DD1 once and she took a while to convince that we weren't having a party :-) but she did settle. I was transferred to hospital at 8 am - my mum sneaked her out the back door at 7 am for breakfast in McDonalds (enough of a bribe to distract her). My mum went to DD1s normal toddler groups etc then back to my house. Biggest trouble in my case was DD1 was still breastfeeding and refused to sleep without a feed - the midwives smuggled her into the labour ward an hour after dd2 was born so I could feed her. Sadly, DD1 was shaken by the length of seperation from me and this caused a lot of problems BUT if I hadn't have been at home she wouldn't have had a feed when she first woke up in the night so I am pleased I started at home. Plan for every eventuality and do ask other mothers - my mum said that having a contacatable mum who my daughter knew was a welcome distraction. You'll be amazed how many people want to help.

Oh and sorry to break the untraumatised toddler thread :-) My DD1 was just 17 months when DD2 appeared and I'd had severe AND which made everything difficult for everyone. Just realised I sounded very gloomy

I had my DD at home when my Ds was 18 months old. Like a pp one of the reasons i opted for a hb was so that i didn't have to worry about childcare as both mine and DH's parents live around a 2.5 hour drive away so if i'd needed to get to hospital quickly, DH would have had to stay with DS rather than come with me.
We still arranged for my mum to come over when things appeared to be be starting (which occured when i thought my waters were trickling the night before) so that i knew there was someone who could give their time to DS and keep him entertained so i wasn't worrying about him while in labour.
As it was i'd had a few niggles the following day after i thought my waters were trickling but nothing major, i bathed DS and as i put him into his cot at 8pm i got my first real contraction and it all kicked off pretty quickly from there and DD was born less than 6 hours later .
I do agree with what a pp said about your body knowing when is a good time, i couldn't have asked for more perfect timing. DS slept through the whole thing and woke up and came into our bedroom the following morning to find his baby sister asleep in the moses basket, we even managed to take a photo of him as he saw her for the first time - perfect!!
Oh and on the noise i was definately much quieter than first time round (i screamed when pushing DS out!). I vividly remember growling this time lol!!

Good luck with your hb, it's a wonderful experience

i wish i'd thought about asking on MN when I was having these thoughts a year ago! it's been lovely hearing all these great homebirth stories, complete with untraumatised toddlers!!

I didn't have a homebirth with DD2 but in retrospect i think i could have - and it was the What To Do With Toddler that mostly put me off the hb (that and not knowing exactly what my body would do after a heavily induced first labour).
But - my plans to have my Mum up to look after DD1 actually slowed my labour - I was in a very long latent phase from the moment she walked through the front door (bless her). I think I just didn't want to give in in front of her if that makes any sense? Looking back I should have either sent her out with DD1 or retreated to bed to see what happened.
Anyway. DD2 was born very fast once it did all start up - i went from 4cm to birth in 40 minutes. and I made a LOT OF NOISE. so perhaps it was good to be in the midwife led unit.

And I haven't ruled out number 3 so we'll see.

Good luck whatever you decide. We'll be lurking!!

I had a homebirth while DD1 and DD2 slept, they were 4 and 7 at the time.I do think you hold on until its convienent sp?) sometimes. My contractions became strong as soon as they were settled.

My oldest son,14, was very upset that he couldn't be there for the birth of his youngest sister,now 2, as she was premature & in hospital in the end...he had been present for the birth of his other 2 siblings at home (aged 11 & 6). Granted, not in the same room,as in his own because they were both born in the middle of the night but he came in the minute they were born.
And with both the other homebirths my partner & I were on our own as I have very quick labours & on both occasions the midwives did not get to us on time. But I much prefer that as am a free birther at heart!
I can understand there might be some reservations if you were to have longer labours & during the day when other siblings are up & very much awake. In that case I think having someone other than your birthing partner to take sole charge of the children is a very good idea,leaving you to concentrate on your labour.

Congratulations on your very recent birth Lauratopsy.... sounds nearly like one of mine that was just 20 minutes at home :)

My kids are spooky when it comes to this!

DS1 was 18 months oldwhen DS2 was born, he was a co-sleeper, woke constantly to check we were beside him nd never spent a night in a bed alone because he howled if we tried!!

So thenightI went into labour I was tucking him into our bed, lay with him waiting for him to fall aslepp, was about 7pm, and i got my first pain.

I went down stairs and DH set up the pool. DS stayed asleep ALL NIGHT, did not make 1 sound!

The same when DD came along - DS1 AND 2 both awful sleepers, shouting us all night - both slept through!

Manybe I'm just super lucky?!

I labour overnight and birth in the morning so is pretty convinient.

Am due a HB with DC4 in April so will be interesting to see how that goes with co-sleeping DD (2)!

you could do what my neighbour did and get your mum to come and stay a few days before your due date, get her to look after your toddler, labour on your own and then get a neighbour (ie me) to come in at the last minute totally unprepared to deliver your baby before the ambulance arrives!!

No seriously, I don't have proper advice to give other than to say that you will be surprised at how helpful other people can be particularly other mums that you may have met at toddler groups or nurseries. Most mums I know who have gone on to have a second DC have been able to line up someone who is prepared to help out at the drop of a hat even in the middle of the night.

good luck with everything and I hope you get something sorted in time