Homebirth: what did you do with your toddler?

[Wigeon]

I am due DC2 in May, when DD will be a month shy of 3 years old. We are possibly considering a homebirth (DD was born in a midwife-led centre in part of a hospital). My main worries about a homebirth all relate to DD. I really don't like the idea of DD being in the house for the whole birth (and certainly not at the actual birth), mainly because I made a complete racket during my first labour with DD (or rather, "I found vocalisation very useful in dealing with the pain"), and because I want to be able to concentrate on me, rather than worrying about DD at all.

DH is keen on considering a homebirth but also undecided, and during my first labour I wanted him with me throughout the whole thing.

My mum, who lives an hour / 1hr 30 mins away, would probably be the person who would need to look after DD, and I also don't really want my mum around for most of the birth. I'm not entirely sure where they would go because I am fairly new to this area, and although I have made a few local friends, I'm not sure if I could invite my mum round at any time of day to their houses!

Please share your stories of what you did with your toddler and how you managed a homebirth with an older child! I have searched previous messages, but only found ones about having your toddler with you at home during the labour and birth.

We had a list of emergency phone numbers (friends) who could be contacted to pick up my daughter and take her on an outing or to a hotel if it was evening/ night. But 2nd baby came unexpectedly early, no friends were available, labour was only 2 hours and eldest daughter heard the screams! She was upset and confused at the time but was comforted by my husband (he had to deliver the baby - ambulance arrived after the birth!) My eldest daughter was not traumatised tho, we spoke openly about it as she asked questions for a few months about "when the baby came and mummy was shouting". We reassured her and it was all ok in the end!

I have had 3 homebirths and the children have been here whilst they were happening, that said I am not a screamer. The one thing I would say is this time, with number 4 it was a bit of a bloodbath (not sure why it was not this messy before, maybe a lot of water) and I was covered in blood from ankle to neck!!!!!!!!!! I did get cleaned up and showered before the children came up (they are 9,7 and 2) because I think the amount of blood would have bother my DD2 who is 7 because she obviously equates that with being hurt. The older two came into the room about 10 mins after number 3 was born with a small bit of mess but they were fine then.

I think it does depend on whether you are a screamer or not tbh but as long as someone is with your child and you have plenty of distraction then i really think it should be fine.

I'm scared now I've read that, woolymindy about to have DC4 at home. Might have to buy extra plastic sheets!

Our three year old stayed at friends whilst our youngest was born at home.

I didn't feel I could relax into labour until she was off the premesis.

This is such an inspiring thread! I'm also due with DC2 in May, my DS will be 30 months and my mum lives a similar distance away, so a very similar scenario. I've been wanting a homebirth this time anyway, but all these great stories have totally clinched it for me! Will be following any further stories with interest...

Another thank you to the OP for posting this. I am due in March with DC2 and planning a home birth. DD1 was born at home but it did take 26 hours and she was 8 days late. I've not contemplated NOT having this one at homer but haven't really focused on the issue of who would look after DD so thank you for prompting me to do so, and thanks to the other posters for their suggestions.

Given the overdue/length of labour thing, it wouldn't be worth asking family to stay (and DD can be rather sensitive to shouting!) so
it's going to have to be a case of getting DD off to family or friends and hoping it doesn't take too long this time around!

I've loved reading the stories as well, DD1 was born at home and the plan is to do the same for DD2 in Feb when DD1 will be 2 and 4 months - have got various back-up people but it sounds as if a lot of babies do keep themselves until the right moment!

I have loved reading these stories and really feeling very nostalgic for my own homebirths. DD1 was born at 2.30pm after a 4 hour start to finish labour so I was pretty sure DD2 would be quick.

Went into labour with DD2 at 1.30am, woke DH at 2.30, called MW at 3 and had baby at 5.30am.

DD1 slept through the lot, woke at 6am and I have a brilliant photo that I now keep on my phone screensaver of the 4 of us all together on our sofa. We had a lovely day together with lots of fuss of DD1 from visitors. DD1 definitely not traumatised and very much included in the celebrations.

I'm only loud infrequently when giving birth and vividly remember shouting "Get out, get out, get the fuck out NOW". I'm pretty sure that DD1 wouldn't have been upset even if she'd seen that part as long as Daddy was there to explain.

Oh DD1 and DD2 16 months apart.

I had 2 homebirths, my first one without children present and the second one with children present but in their bedroom with a relative looking after them. DD2 was about 2 at that time. I think it really depends on what you feel comfortable with and how you cope and what help is available. I knew someone who had a hb with her toddler around, and she was fine with labouring with the child around and didn't mind her child hearing all the sounds. I personally found it quite difficult to focus on my breathing and manage the contractions when my DD2 was buzzing around me - when the contractions got worse I got a bit antsy. When a relative arrived at my home to help out as planned after I'd been in labour for about 4 or 5 hours and she was able to whisk DD2 away to her room to play with her, I felt very relieved and could actually start to labour better. I did moan and groan a bit towards the crowning stage, and I did shout a bit when pushing (LOL) but because my DD2 was still in the house it was at the back of my mind constantly that I tried to keep my voice down as much as I could, so whatever came out was really something I couldn't have helped - I tend to vocalise when dealing with contractions, that is something that had always been the case and I've had 2 babies before that. That said DD2 wasn't traumatised or anything although she did hear my sounds, she said. Since growing up a bit more, she has developed some interest in babies and birthing and has said on many occasions she intends to have babies of her own when she's grown up! That said, I've had 2 homebirths and I think if I were to have another one, I would still prefer to labour and birth without the children present in the same room as the one I'm labouring/birthing in.

You could consider hiring a doula you trust to be your birth support so that your husband is able to focus his attention more on your toddler.

Thank you to everyone else who has posted on this thread since my last thank you! It's so
interesting hearing everyone else's experiences.

I am feeling all warm and fuzzy that other people are also finding this useful and that it's bringing back good memories to several nostalgic people. .

Wigeon I've not read all the replies, but your post shows you have the same expected gap between your 2, and my dd was born at home in May while ds was about.

I'd planned and dreamt of a lovely home birth, just wandering in from the garden while ds played. However I went into labour at college and had to get the 40 minutes home, driving past the hospital!

I'd planned for my neighbour, his childminder to have him, but she was out, so another neighbour had ds for a couple of hours. We are now firm friends with them.

Mum arrived just in time for me to push, but she stayed in the kitchen till I had finished!

Best plans that went well were getting the fairy lights on the wall (don't pack them away after Christmas) they make much better back ground lighting and reflect on water if you are having a pool.

Get a big ground sheet or 2

Be prepared for all plans to go out the window...

I've had 3 homebirths

ds1 was born rather quickly (and conveniently) as dd was eating dinner. Dh had to leave her in highchair to deliver as was too quick for midwives to arrive. She had a banana, so was happy. He was slightly stressed but rose to occasion admirably.

ds2 was born while dd and ds1 were downstairs watching a dvd. Dh kind of ran backwards and forwards between the 2 rooms. Midwives were there a good 40 mins before delivery though so he didn't have to stress too much!

dd was 3 and actually most put out that she didn't get to see.

Hope it all goes just as you want.

Just adding my own story... I wish I had started a thread like this before the birth of my DS (my youngest DC2), as I had exactly the same anxiety about what to do with DD.

My firstborn DD was born in hospital and in hindsight I wished I'd just had a home birth as her birth was fast and relatively easy, the transfer to hospital was just a nuisance in the end. With that in mind I planned a home birth for DS, DD is exactly 4 years older than her DBro. We moved house not long before DS was born, to a new area so we didn't have many friends here to call on at that time, our nearest relatives are nearly 2 hours away, and I didn't feel that I wanted anyone to come and stay with us for the birth, so there was nothing left but to prepare DD for the possibility of seeing the birth happening. I did put together a list of neighbours and a couple of local people we'd got to know a little, and as others have said above my experience of this is that everyone was more than happy to help, we ended up with perhaps five people we could have called if we'd needed to, though I didn't feel we knew any of them very well.

As luck had it we didn't need to call on anyone, as I went into labour with DS just minutes after settling DD into bed in the evening, she'd just gone to sleep, I went to sit down and my labour started with waters breaking. At this point I had a good 10-11 hours to get the job done - there must be more than just coincidence in this, I think subconscious 'go for it' vibes!

DS was born at about 6am, I think I was quite vocal for the last 15 mins or so but DD slept through it. She was woken by our doorbell 10 mins after the arrival of DS by the second midwife who arrived too late for the birth. I have fantastic memories of the moment she came through to see her brother, I was still in a bit of a mess at this stage, she must have seen blood and medical equipment, but doesn't seem to have been upset by that. In the run up to the birth we read her Hello Baby picture book, which I thought was good.

I wish in a way I could have seen into the future to know just how well it was all going to work out, so then I could have relaxed, I was so anxious about DD.

I gave birth at home after 4.5 hours of labour while my little boy was fast asleep. He woke up just after the 3rd stage. Brilliant timing and I have heard lots of similar stories. My independent midwife sais that women labour in a way that fits in with their lives so labour might stop when kids are around and start again when they are asleep.

Thank you thank you yet again to all the nice people who have taken the time to post. Definitely thinking a HB seems like a good idea...

Thanks for this thread wigeon I'm planning HB with DC2 any day now (due in a week). DD is 2.8 and we have a couple of people on standby, but depends when things kick off and how fast it goes. It was a very long labour with DD and I was certainly vocal at the end! It's really good to read everyone elses' stories. I'm now hoping for a swift overnight labour :o

Lovely thread!

Had similar worries to you, OP, as DD was just over 3 when we were planning a homebirth. Like others have said, we were amazed how all the neighbours rallied round (we hadn't lived here that long) and offered to have her, since our nearest relatives are nearly an hour away.

My contractions kicked off at 7am, rather conveniently on a day DD was due at nursery in the afternoon. They were mild all morning then she went off at 1pm and my contractions promptly got stronger and more frequent. I didn't want to bother the midwives as from this point with DD took four days. But by the early evening, I realised the baby was coming much faster!

DD got back from nursery at 6:30; the moment she came into the room where I was labouring with the midwife, my contractions stopped. It was really strange. Then, as soon as my fab sister-in-law arrived to take her to their place for the night, my contractions speeded up and DS arrived at 11:30pm.

The homebirth was fab; so relaxed compared to having DD at hospital. Me, DH and DS snuggled on the sofa, eating pizza and having a celebratory beer (well, a BF for DS!). And seeing DD's overjoyed face when she came into the room the next morning to meet her baby brother is a memory that will never ever fade.

Good luck to you.

More lovely stories! Thank you again. Good luck with your imminent birth Wholelottalove - do post your birth story.

I am thinking that I definitely need DD (and my mum!) out of the house, unless they are asleep - don't think I'm the kind of person who could relax when they are around. But hinking about it, here are lots of options as to where they might go.

So interesting hearing all the stories of labour getting going when the mother is happy with the surroundings (whatever that means for her).

Have posted earlier, but have just remembered that I was the toddler at my mum's homebirth 30 years ago. She had initially ruled out a HB as they had no heating upstairs and my bro was due in January. However he had other ideas!

Apparently we had friends round for the afternoon, my mum started feeling a bit rough while cooking tea (she was about a week overdue) and went for a lie-down. She quickly realised that things were moving fast and called the midwife. MW came out, along with an ambulance and paramedics, who weren't needed in the end, just drank a tea in the kitchen. DB was born at around 6pm, my parents friends kept me amused downstairs.

So that's why my mum was pretty supportive of HB...

Great story, RhinestoneCowgirl!