Why see them after they’re gone?

[nevertherightweather]

I lost my mum 4 years ago. She was fairly young (had me very young) and should have had decades left. But cancer took her and I am heart broken.
I remember the day we had a call and was asked to go to hospital. So we hurried straight there. When we arrived we were put in a room and waited there for ages. Finally someone came and told us my lovely mum had a heart attack (due to cancer encroaching on her heart) and died. I was (still am) devastated because I never truly believed she would leave us. Next thing was “let’s go and see her”. And so I saw her there, lifeless and gone. It was awful. It haunts me to this day.

Do you think it’s really necessary to see your loved one after they’re gone? I don’t know. My partner thinks is but didn’t say why. I think about this horrid day a lot.
what do you think?

I never saw my parents. I did see my ds. It was not particularly comforting to me. Will never do that again.

I was with my Dad when he died last year, also far too young, and from cancer, his body remained at home for 5 hours as we waited for the funeral home to collect him, it is a time I will always cherish.

Going to see him 4 weeks later in the chapel of rest, I will never ever forget the smell, the way he looked, and some days I can still feel the icy cold feel of his forehead on my lips.

That being said, I would do it all again. I guess I am just learning to live with the trauma. I describe that time with him at home and the chapel as the most horrific/traumatising time of my life, yet I am glad that I did.

It's personal choice. Some find it comforting but I elected not to view my dad's body. To me once the person has passed away the body isn't them anymore. It's just an empty vessel. But I was only a child then. I am not quite sure whether I'd want to see my mum's body.

I'm so sorry you lost your lovely Mum. X

It’s a personal thing and also a cultural thing. There is no right or wrong way to do it. I’m Irish and it would feel odd to me not to see the person . In saying that while an open coffin is normal here at funeral homes during the part of the funeral where people come to sympathise with the mourners my mother in law left wishes for hers to be closed as she wanted no one apart from immediate family to see her. I’m sorry for your loss OP you obviously miss her very much. Life is so unfair sometimes.

My mother lived in another country and was released from hospital to die at home. My sister, a doctor, told me to come but it wasn’t like ‘get on the next plane’ urgent in her opinion so as I had children we waited until the weekend (two days later) and flew out. Unfortunately she died while we were in the air. When I got to her house she had been collected already and her bed was made and the medical equipment removed. I really wish they had waited so I could have seen her and said goodbye. As it was it felt like she had just gone out for something and would walk through the door any moment- I had no ‘closure’ as they say, especially as the last time I saw her she was up and about, so I didn’t see her deteriorating. So yes I think it’s important to have that last image and say a quiet goodbye. Otherwise it almost doesn’t seem real.

I think seeing them dead in the hospital Vs at the funeral home are probably very different experiences. My mum died by herself and we were only allowed in a few hours later because it was still within COVID restrictions. I found the sight of her very shocking and not what I'd expected. I found the vision of it very haunting for a long time. The funeral director told me if I came the next day she would look better - but I didn't do it.

I saw my mother when dead - wish I had not - it was no help.

I chose not to see my Dad.

My OH died very slowly and I watched the whole of it but just missed the moment of death - I had gone to lie down as I was exhausted. I sat with him after death and waited for my AC to arrive. It was all a bit of a blur.

When my mother in law died, we were all with her. All of her children and their spouses, and my father in law too, and her grandchildren had, had the chance to say goodbye the previous day.
We were asked about visiting in the chapel of rest and my father in law said no. He said everyone was there when she died and was able to say goodbye properly. He didn’t want her as he saw it “ messed around with” with embalming fluids and make up etc.

we all acknowledged it was his decision and we’re fine with it. One of her friends was not and harassed my father in law into letting them see her. He stuck to his decision so they then turned up at our house, at 9.45pm demanding to see her. My husband had known them all his life so found it difficult to be too assertive. Luckily I didn’t, I’d never met them before and had no qualms about telling them no, it wasn’t happening. I was probably bordering on rude but constantly harassing her family, I felt was totally inappropriate.

I saw both my parents annd my best friend after they’d died and it didn’t look like them. It didn’t give me any comfort. Personally it did nothing for me and I chose not to see them again. But I know other people who visited a lot and got something from it. It’s a personal choice.

Everyone processes grief differently. I was with DH when he died and he was only 59. I went to see him at the funeral directors as I was still in denial and had to see for myself that he was truly gone before I could begin my grief journey properly.

Mom died in January. She was very old and frail. I chose not to see her afterwards because I made the decision I wanted to remember her full of life and healthy for the husk of a person she had become.

interestingly a friend of the family was the funeral director for her and she said that if she hadn’t known it was mom she wouldn’t have known it was her if that makes sense and made me more secure in my decision not to see her.

It’s a very personal choice, however, I do think, as a society, we have become disconnected to both death end the end of life phase.

My husband died at home from lung cancer. He wanted to die at home. We had a hospital bed in the front room, and regular hospice nurse visits. He died at midday, and after the nurses left. the children and I sat round him, just chatting, for a couple of hours. They drifted off and I just sat with him. A nurse later came to wash him ready for the undertakers, and asked if I wanted to help, which I did. I sat with him until he was taken away at 7pm. I still have the metal images ingrained in my head, but, I really do think I needed those hours of peace with him to accept the finality of it.

I refused to see him in the funeral home though. I didn’t want a memory of him slightly changed by their aesthetic team.

I'm in the middle of this now. My dad passed away last week in hospital and we were all there at the end. I now have that image of him dying in my mind whenever i think of him.

If i am to go to see him in the chapel of rest - am i going to replace that image with one of him in a coffin.

I don't know what to do

So sorry about your mum ❤️

I saw my sister (teenager, died in an accident). It was awful and, many years later, still makes me upset to think about it. The only benefit was it gave me one last chance to be with her physically. Which, facing a lifetime of never seeing her again, on balance I am glad I took.

I’ve never wanted to, but I know some people find comfort. I’ve known people take comfort that the soul of their loved one has already left their body, because they looked so different in death.

When she was alive, my mum made us all promise that ‘one day, when I’m gone, I don’t want anyone coming to look at me. Promise?’

My grandmother (her mum) had died suddenly in her 50s and as a young girl my mum had been to see her. My mum was always traumatised by the experience of seeing her own mum that way and she didn’t want us to remember her that way.

I promised and so when the time came and my mum died, the decision wasn’t mine to make. I’d already promised. I wouldn’t have gone anyway as it’s just not for me and I’d much prefer to remember my mum as she was. However, she died so suddenly that some of my family struggled with the idea of ‘not saying goodbye’. One family member asked the funeral director if he could go and see her but was advised not to. Instead he went and sat beside her closed coffin and that gave him some resolution.

But it’s also a very personal decision and some people get peace from that decision. No one should ever feel pressured either way.

My mum died in her care home unexpectedly. She was old and declining so we knew it was coming but not quite so soon. I hadn’t seen her for 3 days and was planning to go over that day when I got the call from the care home. I felt a real need to go and see her, almost to check that she really was dead, which I know sounds a bit daft, but I hated the thought that my last visit had been so routine.

I was glad I did. I know it’s a cliché but she really did look peaceful.

Absolutely a personal choice, my mum wanted to see my Dad after he died in his early 60s, I took her as she wanted someone to go, always wished I hadn’t, when she died much later, none of us went to see her, not out of disrespect or anything, but wanting to remember the person she was , we were all there when she died and said our goodbyes then, but if people find some benefit from going, that’s their choice

Trying to choose words carefully here but it will never be right. I’ve had many deceased people both pass through, and die in my care. I think at the initial point of death, and soon after, the body does show some signs of the stress of dying and it is not optimal. However, after a day, that seems to lift completely and they look so much better, very ‘relaxed’ and being real - ‘at peace’, and funnily, usually younger, all of which you don’t get initially. Due to this I always encouraged people to ‘visit’ their loved one the next day but realistically most people either don’t want to see them at all, or if they do, want to do it immediately/as soon as possible.

Obviously, if the deceased has suffered significant trauma you can override people’s want to be with them immediately if you think that will lead to added psychological harm. Let’s the person get ‘fixed up’ to be more ‘fit’ for a viewing, although in severe cases it may still not be great, so they warn people to give the option.

So sorry for your loss.
I would actively avoid see a person I know dead. I understand that for some people it’s comforting but I don’t get it.
I like to remember people when they are alive. The dead body means nothing. I feel like it was just what they were wearing when they were alive.
When my Dad died in hospital we didn’t go and see his body and he had a direct to crem with no service and no ashes funeral. It was perfect and the right thing to do. It’s nothing about being squeamish or not being comfortable dealing with bereavement it’s just a belief that the body is not relevant.

In Ireland a wake would usually have a open coffin, be at home and the night before the funeral. I think its a lovely way to say goodbye, it makes it real and final. But no-one is forced to see the body.
Edit to add they are also significantly closer to the death than in England. 2 or 3 days, not the 5 weeks we waited for FiL.

Sudden unexpected death is bloody awful, brutal and traumatising.

I lost my Mum suddenly 5 years ago. I was only talking to her on Facetime the day before and we were laughing and making plans. She was in the middle of cooking dinner and telling me what she was making (dads favourite)

The next thing I know I am getting a call to say she has collapsed and has been rushed to hospital where she went into ICU and never woke up. She passed away and I never got chance to hold her, see her, tell her I loved her or say goodbye. It was the most awful life changing experience and I still remember to this day what that sudden realisation felt like that my Mum was gone from this world forever.

I made my decision to go and see her in the chapel of rest, as did my Brother. I actually got so much out of it. I spent time with her, stroked her hair, touched her face, held her hand and told her how much I loved her and was forever grateful for everything she had done for me. I know she couldn't hear me, it was more for me than anything else. But seeing her 'in the flesh' one last time brought me comfort.

My Brother however, hated the experience and wished he had never done it, and now still struggles with the memory of seeing her dead and cold.

It absolutely is personal choice and preference and its not for everyone. But for me it was very important and I am glad I chose to see her.

@Pleasehelpme90 yes I wondered if it would help my brain understand she’s gone and not coming back. Otherwise I wonder if my mind would be confused. I miss her so much.

I’m sorry you had to go through that OP. I don’t think they should have done that to you. They should have asked whether you wanted to see her and say good bye or remember her as she was.

i chose to see both of my parents after they had gone. As a final goodbye. They were both in their beds in the care home. I would not have wanted to do a funeral home visit like some people choose to, nor am open casket.

its a personal choice.

I think this is a very personal experience. People are so different.

My beloved daughter died, totally unexpectedly last October, aged 24. She lived at home with us, but was not with us when she died.

For me me, the time I spent with my daughter after her death was essential - identifying her body, then visiting her each day at the funeral home and finally having her home with us the night before her funeral. The latter was particularly important to me. We sat with her, talked to her, played music, read to her and finally made our last journey to with her. She was never left alone in her last 24 hours.

In all the desolation of our loss those couple of weeks, spending time with our darling daughter and becoming accustomed to her absence - a gradual departure after such an unexpected death - was vital. Every situation is different though.

I hope you find peace and healing and I send you all good wishes.